Say Anything
"I wanna wear the Hokage hat
But more than that,
I wanna be your man!
I really, really, really love ramen
But I love you even more,
Sakura-chaaaan!
Say yes, baby!
Just say yes!
And I'll be your man
Forever, Sakura-chyaaaaan!"
The madness had unprecedentedly begun one late September night.
Sakura had sunk into her fluffy mattress, almost moaning at the gorgeous prospect of sweet, sweet sleep after a hellish day of administering the annual vaccine shots to a bunch of stubborn shinobi who liked to delude themselves with the thought that their mighty ninja prowess made them magically immune to the attacks of paltry microorganisms.
Not only she had to put up with their childish antics, she also had to bite down whatever scathing remark bubbled down her throat after a particularly infuriating pig called her hentai. The sheer nerve! As if she lived to ogle at their arrogant asses sprawled over the inspection table!
It had felt really good to jam the syringe down his butt with more force than necessary, Sakura reminisced with a sleepy grin.
A little line of drool had begun to adorn her pillow when it began. The horrendous croaking under her window.
Sakura initially tried to drown out the noise but the shrill refrains were impossible to ignore. Murder in her bleary eyes, she leapt out of her window and landed before the perpetrator.
Within seconds, Naruto was out like a baby. One with concussion and a couple of broken ribs.
Sakura slept contentedly for the last time that day.
*
She had been sorely mistaken to consider the horrible serenading a typical Uzumaki prank.
When the croaking continued for an entire fortnight, Sakura was forced to reconsider her strategy to beat him senseless then go to sleep as if nothing had happened. Jinchuriki or not, she couldn't just keep on inflicting severe damage on her teammate on a daily basis. Not when she was the one who incurably patched him up the morning after.
She wasn't heartless enough to watch him eat breakfast looking like he had been under a meat shredder, no matter how annoying he became. Besides, that shit eating grin looked positively morbid with the matted blood and the blue-black splotches covering his face like patchwork.
She liked to have a peaceful breakfast, thank you very much. Sasuke-kun's stupid morning face was enough to put up with without a literally bloody blonde idiot at the table.
*
The "ignore till he gets bored" method sadly failed to yield any results for Sakura. Other than pronounced eyebags and a more than usual short temper.
"You look like a zombie, Forehead."
Sakura looked up tiredly from the paperwork she was trying to decipher. It was really hard to give a damn about the exact number of condoms the hospital gave away for gratis when she hadn't slept for days.
"Shut up, pig. Not in the mood. Coffee- no. Bed. Quiet. Yes. Ugh..."
"I heard." Ino actually looked sympathetic. "Was on patrol duty few days ago. I thought his prankster days were behind him already?"
"Beats me, Pig. Punches didn't work. Ignoring didn't work. Sasuke Uchiha didn't work. Baka's lost it this time."
"Did you actually try talking with him for real? Since you guys happen to, oh, I don't know, share an apartment?" Ino deadpanned. "Which was a really stupid idea, but since I'm so kind and all, I won't say 'I told you so.'"
"You're only jealous, Pig."
"You wish. Last time I checked, nobody was wailing outside my window."
"Hahaha. We actually had an intervention, banners and the whole jazz."
"So what happened?"
"He listened calmly when we told him to cut out the banshee routine. Which just might be true. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to commit homicide with an enabler like Sasuke-kun whispering encouragement in your ears? Anyways, the baka smiled and said nothing, nodding like a bobblehead the whole damn time. There were extended lyrics that night."
Ino sighed. There was a pretty little thing called denial and her best friend apparently was its unparalleled practitioner.
"I just want some peace, Ino. Even if I try to snooze here for a while, I can hear him in my head. I don't have enough savings to rent a new apartment. Besides, Sasuke-kun will murder me if he knew. Then murder the baka next. Hmm. Not a bad idea..."
Sakura looked utterly miserable.
"There, there." Ino rubbed her shoulders. "If you decide to murder the next Hokage, Team Ten will help you. Whatever you need. And Sasuke can always Amaterasu that idiot's body to oblivion."
*
On the twenty-fifth night of the serenading, Sasuke burst into Sakura's room looking like some deranged demon.
"Put a stop to this, Sakura. Or kami help me, I'll pull out the damn windpipe out of his mouth and garotte him with it!"
Sakura looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.
"I'm ready to perjure myself, Sasuke-kun. Godspeed."
*
It was only after enduring thirty-one nights of caterwauling that Sakura finally came to her senses and dragged Naruto into her bed.
The morning after, their teammate was missing. There was a hastily scrawled note on the dining table.
It contained instructions for a soundproofing seal.
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