Chapter 1 - Wanting What I Can't Have
Chapter Synopsis: Sitting in her charms class, Makoto marvels at no matter how much it hurts…she'll stay by his side.
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I hate myself for wanting what I can't have.
But I feel so alive, so complete with him…well, not with him, just around him. With his biting comebacks and his instigating nature, pushing my buttons just the right way.
I love him.
I don't know why, maybe its cause I can't have him? People DO tend to want or believe that they love a certain object solely because they don't have them. Which leads everyone to thinking, do you really love this fellow?
Yes, yes I am…for the past five years actually. Five blasted years of living off his very, every word and whim…hoping, wishing, praying, screaming for just maybe…for once that I..I…
'DON'T SET YOURSELF UP!' I screech in my mind, blinking away the tears gathering in my burning eyes and dammit they won't go, they won't…
I just fight the sudden urge…the urge to just break, shatter, crumble down right here and now, in front of everyone, in front of him cause it hurts so much, it hurts to love someone and have them not loving you back, it hurts having to SIT next to them in every blasted class, his musky entrancing scent enshrouding you and you can't run, you can't you can't…
Diminutive little half-goblin Professor Flitwick peers at me with a puckered brow, curious worry etched about his face. He mouths 'Are you okay?' which is thankfully missed by the absent-minded class. And I swallow the sob forming in my throat, squeezing my eyes shut and nod.
He lingers for a moment, face wrought with hesitancy and and is my pain so obvious? Is it? IS IT!
He turns back to his announcements.
And I release a sigh of relief, disappointedly going unnoticed by my desk partner, my crush, my obsession. I immediately put my strengths in forcing myself to pay attention to Flitwick's lesson, which worked…for about five minutes. No sooner then those five minutes passed, I found my eyes wandering from the front of the room to the person sitting next to me.
And as fate would have, it's Draco Malfoy himself, the blue-eyed devil with soft, damn startling white-blonde hair.
Soft, damn startling white-blonde hair I would give forever to just play with all day, sift the ultra-fine skeins through my fingers…the soft stuff entangling in my fingers. And the ice-blue pools of rippling mischief and mystery that I could drown in forever…
…I wonder if he thinks my eyes are as pretty as the way I think his eyes are.
'Just stop setting yourself up, Makoto.' I croak in my mind, feeling my eyes burning again, chest throbbing and god it hurts…
'He'll never notice you, never care, never understand…'
This isn't healthy, is it? Obsessing, watching, living off another person's every word and action...for five- count em FIVE years. I know what toothpaste he prefers, shampoo and conditioner as well, his clothing and shoe brand…favorite food, music, book, color and movie…which is a tie between Finding Nemo and The Breakfast Club by the way.
Now tell me, isn't he the CUTEST guy you ever met? Well he's clarified all my suspicions.
Glancing at him through the corner of my eye (which is seriously starting to hurt as fuck but it's all worth it, all worth it...); I can tell he's bored. With his chin propped onto his unscathed left fist, his shoulders slouch forward with his laze, eyes scan lethargically about the room. He stares at anything and everything…
…but me.
He looks at Goyle's square-shaped head then at Crabbe's round bowl-cut one, then at some Hufflepuff with black hair. He stares at his nails, frowning slightly as he found one unevenly cut, and then at his bandaged arm, before eyes finally rolling up to the ceiling.
…but not me.
Not me.
Never me.
I would give everything for him to just look at me, I don't care if it's a glare or a sneer just please please…I need those crystal blue orbs, I need the light, I NEED HIM…
But it's never me he looks at. And after five years, I shouldn't expect that he would. Why would he? I'm nothing in his eyes.
He's everything in mine.
And then...and then…he looks to me, to me…he's looking at me…DRACO MALFOY IS LOOKING AT ME, AT ME, AT ME!
ME! Makoto Kino, me. Me.
But I completely forgot I'm looking back so his face contorts with a disgusted scowl.
"What are you looking at, mudblood?"
My cheeks scorch with a flame at my stupidity and goddamit I'm so stupid, so stupid, so so STUPID. And I immediately look away, feeling so utterly humiliated, horrible…so stupid. How dare I even think I can look at that face…that handsome face that I will never touch, never bare a smile…at least not one directed to me.
"Thought so." He mutters with a sneer and then nonono…
Don't, don't go, don't leave me alone. Please! PLEASE!
He looks away.
And I'm nothing again, fading to a lifeless black and white while he remains in bright, vibrant color...still the platinum-haired, luminously blue-eyed devil that I love so much, and god I love you Draco can't you see that?
But suddenly…he looks at me, without the slightest qualm of uneasiness in its orbs…they're so warm…
This…this can't be real, it can't be, it's not me, never me, it just can't can't can't…
Whirling around about myself, I search desperately if maybe it's someone else, behind me cause it can't be me, it's never me…don't set myself up…but no one's there…not another heart break…it's me…it can't, it's never…god, it's me…
Turning back, I glance at him through the corner of my eye and he's still staring at me, with avid intent…something fogging his eyes, it's an indiscernible blur…emotionless. So strong, such interest…like I have been doing for the past five years.
I've watched him for that long, watched him change hair styles, grow in stature, grow in size…watch him go to school functions with some gorgeous looking chick on his arm with my heart breaking every time. He's broken my heart too many times to count..but I..I never stopped loving him…I always forgave…cause in the end its worth it, its worth all the pain and tears for just a moment in those wonderfully warm arms, safe and protected…
I release a shaky breathe, the room spinning and don't Makoto, don't break in front of him, he can't see you like this, can't see it…
You know we've been desk partners every year, every class without fail…a cursed blessing within itself. It was almost as if…as if we were destined…destined to be together. I mean…why would fate choose to put us together then? For him to notice that…notice that I…
'Notice that you, WHAT exactly?' I hiss in my head, words slow and laced with wrenching, practical sense.
'Notice the damn fact that you'd take the fall for him at any given moment, no matter the cost? Or perhaps the fact that you'd give him the world and all he'd have to do is ask? You think he hasn't noticed the obvious, Makoto? You HONESTLY think that he really cares—'
A sob is curling its way into my throat, eyes burning again, cheeks the same…he'll never notice, he'll never care, he'll never notice, he'll never care. He won't…won't…
"Kino," A low, rumbling voice reverberates about the grey blur around me, shatters it into shards and…and…
----I'm back in Professor Flitwick's seventh year third period Charms class, with my heart lodged in my throat and stomach upended in itself, once again trying to fight the urge to break, shatter, crumble…my heart implodes in my chest, I'm so tired...wrought dry with feeble exhaustion, waiting waiting…for him to notice, for him to care…
…why? Why bother? You know he'll never notice, he'll never care, never know…why bother? Why fight the unbeatable fight? Just let go and get on with your life, stop caring cause he doesn't.
Just let go.
'I can't…'
Let go!
'I can't.'
LET GO!
'I CAN'T!'
…why? He doesn't know, ever notice. HE DOESN'T CARE—
'BUT I DO!'
…I do, I care and I still love him. I'll forgive him for this…for everything because…
…you can't help but to forgive when in love.
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This, I like this one better then the original.
Review please. Thanks.