The fact that it took Maggie of all people to lay it out for her was sort of funny, Kara guessed? But the fact that anyone had to say anything at all was less so.
Here she was thinking she finally knew what it looked like when someone was interested in her, just for that to be untrue once again. It was more than a tiny bit annoying, really. Always feeling like she was this massively oblivious and clumsy idiot.
That persona was one she'd created for herself though, so how much could she complain, really? She understood why the Danvers had pushed her so hard to be normal, normal, normal; but she almost felt like she'd lived in a mask for too long. One she longed to finally rip off and shatter.
Rao, she was of The House of El! There wasn't a ditzy or unintelligent bone in her body. She'd learned the science that was being gleaned and shared amongst the highest intellects of earth when she was four.
She didn't look down on those scientists. They did have great minds. She only wished to be among them, to help. So many of the questions of earth's modern science were related to vital medical science, or to predicting national disasters to save lives. If she could help cure Parkinsons or alzheimers or MS shouldn't she?
Withholding her knowledge just to protect herself sometimes made her feel like the villian so many xenophobes already saw her as.
But Kara Danvers couldn't stand out, couldn't excel. And so Kara Zor-El became this lost part of her, and this was who she'd become. Anyway that was all something to consider in the near future. What she was so worried about now was Lena, her best friend.
Lena, who Maggie was certain had feelings for her.
Now that she had taken the time and looked back, examining every moment of every occasion they'd spent together; the pieces were easy to assemble.
The hang up was that Kara knew that having feelings for someone didn't always mean you actually wanted to be with them. Cat had taught her that.
For all she knew, Lena could not want those feelings; or her. So Kara's only recourse was to go and see her best friend, try and feel her out, discover whether or not this...her; was something Lena could want. That, and open up herself.
Regardless of what she found out, what she revealed, Kara Zor-El knew one thing; she wanted Lena. Desperately. And so perhaps she'd show up with flowers, lunch, and some gifts? At least one of them something special. Something she'd make herself.
::::
"Oh, Kara. Hi!" Lena stood, walking around her desk to set aside the items in Kara's arms and pull her into one of the warmest, most satisfying hugs of her life. Lena allowed her to hold onto her for a full two minutes, taking in her all too comforting scent and loving the way their curves matched against each other.
The way Lena said her name was something that never failed to make her feel welcomed and cared for. Cherished. She almost couldn't keep her next words in after that. Not that she wanted to. Never.
"Missed you, Lee." She breathed out quietly into her best friends hair, cherishing Lena's quiet but sharp inhale and the racing of her oh-so-good heart.
When they finally separated, the smile that curved Lena's red lips was one that Kara knew decisively had only ever been aimed at or because of her. It was beautiful, and she especially loved the way it reached green eyes. It made something like deep affection fill her chest, and she smiled that 'For Lena Only' smile right back.
The brunette responded by straightening her falling glasses for her and pressing the softest of soft kisses against her left cheek. Whispering quiet words in her ear.
"I missed you too, Kara." When she finally stepped away, striding over to the couch against the wall and taking her usual seat, Kara turned to retrieve the gifts she'd brought.
"I'm so glad you're here. It's been a very frustrating day so far. And you, Kara, are the only person who has managed to consistently brighten my days in many years." Lena admitted with a self-deprecating little grin, waving Kara over. She sat then took a few moments to gather the courage she needed to speak. To illuminate the darkness inside her. Her fear of losing Lena ran rampant.
After all, who would want to – even if they could – share the grief of the last daughter of Krypton, the last true living member of the House of El?
"Well…well you do the same for me, Lena. I – well I've sort of become this happy, effusive, persona, you know? Sunny D!"
Lena smiled sweetly at the nickname she knew Cat had given Kara, but it was short lived. It wasn't lost on her that this conversation would not be so light for long. She nodded for Kara to continue; her expression one of infinitely sincere caring and compassion.
"But that's… It's only part of who I am. Only a fraction of my emotions, the only part of me I let a lot of people see. But I'm more than that . I feel more than that. I have had some…some completely, unequivocally horrible days since we became friends. And I love them each so, so much, but each time, nothing Alex, Maggie, or Eliza could say or do to help made me feel like I would ever be okay again."
Something dark sucked the light out of her eyes for a few frightening seconds before it was back, though dimmed. A few wild tears leaked from her eyes, and Lena slid closer, slipping a thin finger beneath the frame of her glasses to wipe them away.
"Kara, sweetheart…"
"I'm okay, Lena. I am, that's my point. On those days the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing you care. Knowing that I can come here and see your smile, and that look in your eyes when you first realize I'm here. The way you talk to me, Lena. Like I'm not just some naïve little cub reporter, trying to find love, and justice, and hope in all the wrong places. You see me. All of me. Not just… just Kara Danvers or Supergirl. But who I really am. You, with your beautiful eyes…You see Kara Zor-El. Even when I feel like I've lost her along with the rest of Krypton. And so… I brought you some little gifts. Of appreciation, I guess."
Lena's eyes were a little wide, her breathing just now evening out.
"Are you okay? Is this too much? Do you need me to go?" Her heart seemed to metaphorically shatter at the thought, and she closed her eyes for just a split second, silently praying to Rao that Lena was ready to hear all of this. When a pale, delicate hand reached out to pull her closer desperately, Lena hugging her like she'd never quite been embraced before; Kara sighed quietly, weaving her fingers into the silkiness of her ebony hair.
"We're okay, Sweetheart. Just fine. I just really didn't think you'd ever tell me, Kara. I've been wrestling with myself, with my mental health. Doubting that you could ever trust me. That I would ever be able to know you as you are."
" No! No no no no no… Lena please don't think it was a trust issue. I trust you with my life . With kryptonite, with every atom I'm made up of. It was about me being afraid. Every person who has ever known only ever sees me as her. I... I mean Cat tried to fire me! Force me to be Supergirl full time. I didn't want to lie to her, I loved her. She forced my hand, then there was this whole stupid thing with me and J'onn being both Supergirl and Kara Danvers in the same room and she sort of let it go. But my heart was broken . My trust in her was broken. Rao, I felt like she couldn't even see me anymore. Just her. Exactly like everyone else. Do you understand?"
Lena shook her head, tears filling her eyes, too.
"I survived that with her, Lena. But I couldn't with you. I can't. So that's why. I thought it would be good that you saw me at all. Even if that was only as Kara Danvers."
"Kara, I've always known, and I've always seen you. Even when you couldn't see yourself. I know you. Supergirl is only an expression of what you can do wrapped up in your own heroism, selflessness and bravery. I have never forgotten that. And neither should you or anyone else who loves you. If they need a wakeup call I'll be quite happy to provide." Kara was as gentle as she knew how to be when she threw herself into Lena's waiting arms. And that was quite a bit, considering this was Lena, who she quite literally would never - ever - allow herself to harm.
"Lena…"Her sobs were heavy; causing her entire tall frame to tremble. But she was entirely silent, and Lena couldn't help but wonder if she'd learned to cry quietly, too. The memories that brought up were both painful and poisonous, and she gripped Kara tighter like the rock amongst raging seas she was for Lena.
"I've got you, darling. I'm here. You're not alone." Kara's sobs lost their silence, and she howled out in unimaginable pain.
Kara Zor-El cried for a lost family, a lost culture, a people, a world. For Zor-El, Alura, and Astra. For Non, Lara, and Jor-El. Most of all, she cried for Kal-El. Kal-El who had been robbed of a culture he would now never come to truly understand because of Kara's grief. Because she had been a child, and couldn't help but watch Krypton's last moments. It had been both devastating and also one of the most beautiful l things Kara had seen in her life. She cried, she grieved, and she let that weight start to slip from her shoulders.
When she'd managed to stop, she looked up at Lena and accepted the loving kiss to the forehead, folding further into her arms submissively. She was exhausted, and tired of crying, and still hurting so much when she thought of Cat and the shattered trust between them.
They rested for nearly ten minutes, Lena once briefly texting Jess to let her know to cancel a meeting she'd been on the edge of refusing anyway. Kara finally sat up, still in Lena's arms, essentially in her lap. Lena continued to rub comforting circles into her hips.
"I'm sorry, I really do have gifts for you! Like…like these." Kara carefully handed over the bouquet of sweet alyssum, azalea, yellow daffodils, and clematis. Smiling nervously, she watched as Lena examined each flower.
"Oh, Kara." Her eyes filled with fresh tears, making them glitter like the emeralds in her next gift.
"You like them? I wanted to bring you something special. Because you're so special to me, Lena. "
"I love them. You're always so sweet and thoughtful with me, Kara. No one has ever made me feel so cared for. All this time I was looking to the wrong people for respect, compassion…affection. I convinced myself that the way Lillian treated me, the way Jack and Veronica before him seemed to care about me; that that was all that love was. For me, at least. That there was no point hoping for real love. True affection and kindness. Because what I had was what I deserved. That it was all I'd ever be worthy of. And then you - Kara Zor El - you were saving me. Being kind and welcoming, thoughtful. You really cared about me. You gave me hope, Kara. Real, legitimate, hope. For the first time in my life."
Kara almost wished there was such a thing as a red sun lamp. One which would allow her to wrap Lena up in her arms and hold her tightly. Help her to understand that Lena had brought her just as much hope. Instead she hugged gently, always particularly focused on not hugging Lucy, Maggie, and Lena too hard. They were all rather tiny, no matter the differences in their body shapes. Kara was always afraid of hurting them, Lena especially. Even if only because she cared so much for her and so hugged her more, especially when emotional.
"We're stronger together, Lena. I could never tell you in words how much better I am because of knowing you. Because of loving you. You're making me a better reporter, a better Supergirl.. And a better version of myself. And that… that's why I got you this." Reaching towards the table, she handed over the Black leather gift bag, sitting back a little and biting into her lip when Lena turned beautiful, jade green eyes up towards her before rustling around through the cream silk that serviced as tissue paper to grasp the ebony box. She gasped as she pulled it free, fingers tracing over the intricate celtic carvings.
"It's so beautiful…"
"Open it?" Lena nodded and carefully opened the box, immediately starting to sob. One hand came up to cover her mouth, and tears of immeasurable joy rounded her cheeks. They made little progress before Kara tenderly kissed them away, caressing Lena's jaw and up to her sensitive ear.
"A Claddagh? I never thought I'd be one of those people. Loving one of those people... Dia, breathnu ar se." (God, look at it)
Kara wasn't sure Lena was aware she'd slipped into Irish Gaelic, but she had no intentions of reminding her. Her accent was still rather on the light side, even when outright speaking Irish, but it was enchanting; lilting, melodic, and beautiful.
Anyway, she spoke the language fluently, as was true of most studied Earth languages. All of it due to her time in the pod. By the time she'd reached earth the vi had taught her everything they had in the earth database and all of the kryptonian stem fields. And so she spoke.
"Theastaigh uaim é a bheith chomh álainn a thabhairt duit mar a tá tú dom, mo ghrian dearg." (I wanted it to be as beautiful to you as you are to me.)
The words fell from her mouth as if they had always been meant to; the syntax and complexity curving over her naturally gifted Kryptonian tongue. She didn't feign an Irish accent, though Lena had no doubt she could have replicated any of the dialects of Irish Gaelic without difficulty.
"Oh – I didn't even notice I'd fallen into Irish. But I didn't know you spoke it, Kara. It sounds especially beautiful coming from you. And this…God this is perfect. I've never seen one like this. Or stones quite this color, or of this clarity."
"It took some practice, but I made them to match your eyes exactly. And getting the right pressure without creating inclusions was the hardest part. For the emeralds at least. I had to be super gentle with the platinum to keep from crushing the ring to dust." Lena's eyes closed and she inhaled sharply, her heart's pace at a dead sprint.
"You made this?"
"Well, yes. You deserve thoughtful, personal gifts, Lena. Not something generic that doesn't fit you exactly. Do you like it?"
"Will you put it on for me?" Her hands were trembling and her breaths came in sharp gasps. She was crying now, and started to sob the moment Kara slipped the Claddagh on her right ring finger, emerald heart pointed towards her wrist.
Kara gathered her up into her arms and held her closely, hoping the simple attempt at comfort helped.
"Baby…It's okay. I'm right here. I love you too." Kara didn't try to hush her, or ask her to stop crying. Instead, she just held her close, rubbing her back and hoping their closeness could begin to heal them both of all their old hurts. Kara sincerely hoped they could expand on each other's recognition of love. She hoped she could help Lena understand what it felt like when someone really did love you.
She hoped Lena could help her, too. Help her let go of all the pain and anger she still felt when she thought about the way Cat had finally seemed to see her behind the red, blue, and gold only to leave without even attempting to meet her halfway to work out their obvious issues. She had been willing to try. She had always tried with Cat.
Lena had tried for her. Had always put forth the effort. She continuously stepped outside her comfort zone for her. Was patient, waited for her to be ready to explain who she was. With all of that in addition to the beauty of all that Lena was as a person, how could she not love her?