Note: This story contains two original characters (OC's as they're called) Zach Brown and Sophia Primrose. They are two characters I created a while back as part of an idea for a paranormal adult-cartoon. Hope this statement either avoids confusion or creates lots of it. More stories about them can be found on my Fictionpress page. Almost all of their phone conversations are very similar, which I do on purpose to create an eeri effect. Sophia complains about Zach's murmuring, Zach is either smoking or riding his motorcycle, and Sophia usually received roses.
Lightening flashed and thunder crashed. The air was ripe with mystery and intrigue, as a certain man known as Zach Brown made his way via motorcycle up to the entrance to Fawlty Towers, relinquishing his tight grip on the road as if trapping a ravenous beast in a cage. He took one look at the sign. It read:
Fat Rollers
Zach wondered if he was in the wrong place. So he called up his girlfriend Sophia Primrose and told her what he witnessed.
"Hello? Sophia?" asked Zach.
"Hello Zach. I have to tell you I just love the roses you sent me, thank you so much!" said Sophia, sniffing her roses.
"Sophia, you'll never believe this," said Zach, in a deep melodramatic voice that was oddly almost hard to hear at times.
"I already know, you've become a habitual chain-smoker! So have I actually!" said Sophia.
"Well, yes, but also there's stuff that's really strange about this place you sent me to investigate!" said Zach.
"The place is crawling with ghastly pigeons last I heard. What did you encounter, my love?" asked Sophia.
"I didn't encounter anything, it's the sign. I went right to the exact spot on the map but the sign doesn't say Fawlty Towers like you said it would" said Zach.
"You're murmuring, Zach. Every time you talk it's like you're murmuring" said Sophia, with a look of uniquely feminine concern and uncertainty.
"You say that all the time, try to overlook that. I saw the sign and it said 'Fat Rollers,' so I'm not keen on entering" said Zach.
"Zach, you are strong. You are brave. Enter that eclectic establishment of danger. I'm counting on you!" said Sophia.
"Sophia? Sophia? She must have hung up. Well, I'll go in!" said Zach.
Zach entered the hotel and greeted Basil, who was about to smoke one of Sybil's fancy chocolate cigars at the reception desk.
"Hello, my name is Zach Brown" said Zach, a strange gray haired late twenty-something year old man wearing sunglasses.
"We haven't got any rooms for the likes of you so forget it" said Basil.
"That's not it. I want to know if there's been any reports of paranormal activity, there's more people coming soon to check it out!" said Zach.
"Charge of the fright brigade is it? Sorry, no can do. Be gone!" said Basil.
"We won't be long, we just want to know about it!" said Zach.
"Paranormal activity? Oh yes, there's plenty of that. Ghost upstairs, in fact, but you'll have to come by later" said Basil.
"I'd light your cigar" said Zach.
"No, no, and no!" replied Basil.
"Okay then, also your sign was messed with, bye!" said Zach, leaving the hotel, but not before looking at some newspapers.
"He was certainly a strange man!" said Basil.
"I heard some murmuring," said Polly, as she entered the room.
"Yes, it was some bloke named Zach Brown, said he wanted to find a ghost, he should have just looked in the mirror!" replied Basil.
"He might have been a perfectly fine normal bloke!" suggested Polly.
"He dropped a bag of parachutes on the floor. Does that sound normal to you?" asked Basil. Zach, who was just about to leave, heard Basil. He then raced back
inside and grabbed the bag of parachutes.
"Sorry, I always travel with parachutes. It's my style!" said Zach, taking a puff from a cigarette.
"He does a lot of stunts on his show!" shouted Polly.
"No Polly. It's his style apparently, funny, he wouldn't know it if it bit him in the bottom...or ass as some call it" replied Basil.
Meanwhile:
Later, that same rainy day at Fawlty Towers.
"Morning, Major" said Basil.
"Evening, Fawlty" replied the Major.
"No, I said good morning. Oh, never mind how are things?" asked Basil.
"Oh, I just made it all the way back from the River Wye. Excellent fishing there!" said the Major.
"Is that so? Could have gone to Torquay Harbor you know. I've always wanted to take Sybil fishing" replied Basil.
"Oh, I can show you all the best charters," said the Major. He continued, "Remember, always fish deeper in the lake when the temperature rises, and bring plenty of cheap lures"
"Cheap lures, Major?" asked Basil.
"Yes, that way you won't worry about losing them so much. It's rather like a hotel" said the Major. Sybil came through the front-door and placed a ceramic duck on the reception desk.
"Ah, that would fetch a pretty penny!" said the Major, who seemed to like the object.
Basil seemed quite at odds with it, and leapt away from it as though it were a venemous snake.
"What in the bloody hell is that?" asked Basil, looking at the duck in horror as it started to glow.
"It's a luminescent duck, from a gift shop. I got it at a festival Basil. Beautiful isn't it?" said Sybil. Basil began hesitantly examining the duck.
"Well, it hasn't bitten me yet. But keep it at a safe distance and stop making it the cynosure of all prying eyes!" said Basil.
"You mean you think I should keep it secret?" asked Sybil, grabbing the duck away from Basil.
"Sybil that kind of seizure inducing monster should be locked in the Tower of London and the key should be thrown in the rivers where Major is fishing!" said Basil. Polly came into the room, clad in a soaked raincoat.
"I brought you your ticket," said Polly, handing Basil his lottery ticket.
"Not so loud!" thundered Basil in a vociferous tone.
"Okay, well I did bring you your ticket" said Polly. "Good, good, did you use the numbers I asked for?" asked Basil.
"Of course," said Polly. "Is there anything else?"
"No, no that'll be fine. But don't tell Sybil, we all know what would happen!" whispered Basil.
"What would happen?" asked Polly.
"Don't act like you don't know!" shouted Basil, confusing Sybil and the Major.
"Don't act like we don't know what?" asked the Major.
"Don't act like you two don't know anything. You're both very intelligent" said Basil, smiling widely.
"We are? Well thank you Basil!" said Sybil.
"I've always been a keen eye for British intelligence, just like you Basil" said the Major.
"I didn't know you and Basil were in British Intelligence" said Sybil.
"Oh, we're not. But us blokes, we know how to detect it" said the Major. Sybil looked perplexed.
Later, Basil was watching television with the Major. It was a local news broadcast.
"Can we watch a nature film?" asked the Major.
"No, not right now, I'm checking the local news" said Basil.
"Oh. Well after that, can we watch a nature film?" asked the Major, reaching for a chocolate.
"No," replied Basil. Suddenly, the announcement was made on-screen.
The winning numbers of Torquay Tumbler are...20, 37, 2, 31 and 35.
"Oh good god in Heaven! This is impossible!" said Basil.
"What? I don't have a calculator, sorry" said the Major.
"That's not what I mean Major. I just won the lottery" said Basil.
"Ah, did you? Good for you, St. Augustine! Good for you!" said the Major.
"Oh my god I can't believe it. I musn't tell anyone how much I won. You will keep it a secret won't you Major?" said Basil.
"Oh, yes yes. Can't say I've been to South Korea in a long time though" replied the Major.
"Good, Major. I knew I could count on you, you're a reliable friend" said Basil, in a surprisingly earnest tone even though Major's words didn't entirely relate.
"Basil! There's someone at reception for you!" said Sybil.
"Sybil, we're all going to go on vacation for a few days, while some renovations go on" said Basil.
"What?" asked Sybil.
"YOU HEARD ME!" shouted Basil.
Fishing with Major:
"Don't tug. It's not good to tug!" shouted the Major.
"I am not tugging, I'm engaged in a militant war of aggression" said Basil.
"Oh, he's hopeless" said the Major.
"How much did you win?" asked Polly, whispering in Basil's ears.
"I can't tell anyone" said Basil.
"Not even me? Your special companion who always comes through for you when you're in a tight spot?" asked Polly.
"Afraid not!" replied Basil.
"What about Manuel?" asked Polly.
"We're gonna fire him" suggested Basil.
"You can't just fire him, none of the problems were really his fault, he was always trying his best!" shouted Polly.
"Oh, I suppose you're right" said Basil. Later, after some hard work by Stubs etc.
The Fawlty Towers sign was emblazoned with expensive gold. The outside of the Hotel was converted into an outdoor eatery complete with chairs, tables, and a buffet. A red carpet could be seen as soon as anyone entered. Many more rooms had been added.
Things were certainly different. The whole place looked like a mansion within a mansion. Not since Gourmet Night had anyone witnessed such a spectacle.
"Welcome to Fawlty Towers, sir!" said Basil, greeting a guest.
"Sir? That's Sir Glastonbury to you" replied Sir Glastonbury.
"Oh, that exorbitant suit, those god fearing eyes, those golden jewels, rings, crystals, extravagants. Excuse me, haha. Is there anything at all I can do for you?" asked Basil.
"A single room with a bath, a television set, a view of the English Riviera!" said Sir Glastonbury.
"Of course, of course. Oh, sorry. I'm just rather ebulliant right now because I'm not used to this sort of thing, I mean I am used to it, it's just...good mood today!"
said Basil.
"Good mood, eh? Me too!" said Sir Gastonbury.
"Manuel will show you to your rooms" said Basil. Manuel came rushing by to take Sir Glastonbury's bags.
"I no understand this place anymore. Too huge!" said Manuel.
"Well, you'll get the bloody hang of it!" said Basil, who was more happy than any other time in his life. He could barely contain himself. No more Lord Melbury types.
Nothing but truly rich sophisticated folk. But perhaps Basil was overlooking a few details, too caught up in his own bliss. Sybil walked by.
"The duck worked, the coruscant duck worked didn't it?" said Sybil. Basil kissed Sybil on the cheek.
"Yes, it certainly did, dear. The duck! The duck, what about the duck?" asked Basil.
"King Henry, yes that's his name. Well, King Henry the Duck has symbolic meaning it attracts prosperity and plenty of guests" said Sybil.
"Oh, is that what the Major told you?" asked Basil. "No," replied Sybil as she walked away into the office to smoke and eat chocolates. Basil greeted another guest.
"Hello, oh damn, who might you be?" asked Basil.
"I'm the Duke of Grafton" said the guest. Basil fainted.
Later...
Fawlty Towers had been receiving more guests than ever before. It was becoming somewhat nerve wracking for the staff, Manuel kept spilling food, Polly kept having to clean it up, but there was something beyond that as well. The over-abundance of guests was starting to weigh down on everyone.
"Oh, god, all these guests. It's a good thing mind you, but oh I can't wait until we're fully booked. Until then, pressure!" said Basil, biting his fingernails.
"A book? Oh, they don't write books like they used to mind you" said the Major.
"That's not what I mean! I mean I wish we'd just be fully booked" said Basil.
"Oh, oh. Well then Fawlty, have you ever heard of Hilbert's Hotel?" asked Major.
"I don't trust anything with the name Hilbert" replied Basil.
"It's not a brand of cottage cheese. It's a theory!" said Major.
"A theory?" asked Basil, who was now beaming with curiosity.
"It's basically a theory which states that if you have an infinitely large number of rooms you can always make accommodations for new guests by moving them out of one room and into another to make room for new guests" replied Major.
"Brilliant!" said Basil.
"Well, it's just a theory. Besides, I thought you wanted to be fully booked" said Major.
"I did. But really it's just the class of guest. I mean I've had dukes and dutchesses and earls, pearls, and swirls. But rugby teams, ugh. If we keep going,
however and make a really good run for the rest of the day we might end up with the Royal Family" said Basil.
"Oh, good lord. I was just trying to tell a good story" said the Major, going up to his room. Polly was cleaning a room nearbye.
"Don't worry. It'll be easy. We have very large rooms and we're always adding more. Ah, rooms, they're so-so roomy! Haha! Never enough rooms eh?" said Basil.
"Are you alright?" asked Major.
"HA! Rooms! Jolly good old rooms, Major! With O'Reily's help who knows what's possible. What could be better?" said Basil.
"Things would be better if the little Spanish fellow could remember where he put Lord Glastonbury's ruby ring. Left it in the Duchess's salad he must have"
said Major.
Basil began entering rooms.
"I'm afraid you all have to leave. Not the hotel, mind you, but you're all going to have to go to Room 1 instead of Room 2" said Basil.
"Why is that? You can't just do this! You're nothing but a belligerent bellwether of bullshit!" said the guest.
"Well, this belligerent bellwether of bullshit says you have to leave!" said Basil.
"You can't do this!" shouted the guest.
"According to the laws of physics, I actually fricking can!" said Basil, his eyes gleaming with insanity to fit his wide grin.
"But Miss Emma Peel is in the next room. We're not even married!" said the guest.
"You are now! Bye!" said Basil, forcing him into Room 1 and slamming the door. He then ordered Polly to Major's room.
"We're not married either!" said Polly.
"As I recall, we used to be" replied the Major.
"Basil!" shouted Sybil from a distance.
"WHAT?" screamed Fawlty.
"What are you doing Basil?" asked Sybil.
"NOTHING DEAR, GO AWAY NOW!" shouted Basil.
"He crazy! He scared of Sybil, he has that thing I read about in every college class, Sybilus!" said Manuel.
Finally, by the end of the day, everyone was sick of being pushed around and began leaving. But even though many guests were leaving, many more came rushing in like a murder of crows.
"Hello, my name is Sophia Primrose!" said Sophia, an attractive guest who just entered and approached Basil's desk.
"We don't do that here," said Basil.
"Excuse me?" asked Sophia, flouncing her golden hair.
"It's just that I've never been down the primrose path, until now. Okay what do you want? And who are they?" asked Basil, noticing a camera crew.
"I'm a paranormal researcher. Your hotel has been marked down as haunted, inhabited by a ghastly ghost pigeon! Is that a mistake?" asked Sophia.
"I don't believe in such nonsense. Get your heathen butts out of here" said Basil.
"So it is a mistake?" asked Sophia.
"Oh, mistake? Oh no. No, not at all! Have at it! Go ghost hunting why don't you? Who ya gonna call? Hell if I know" said Basil angrily.
The ghost hunters were working in the hotel, filming every nook and cranny for unusual activity. And they got plenty of it. But not ghosts.
"I feel cold in here," said one ghost hunter.
"Why you say you feel cold?" asked Manuel who was walking by. He tossed a large sheet over all the ghost hunters. When Primrose came back to join the crew, she shrieked, thinking Manuel was some sort of phantom. Meanwhile, the Major and Polly were playing chess upstairs amid the chaos. Basil went up to check on them.
"How are things holding up?" asked Basil.
"Things aren't holding up very well sadly!" said Polly.
"Sophia Primrose is here," said Basil. "I know how much you love her show on the History Network"
"OH, Sophia Primrose? Why didn't you say so!" said Polly leaving the room in a hurry. "Here, Major, let me help you beat Polly at chess" said Basil.
"Polly isn't here!" said Major.
"Let me help you win as if she were" replied Basil.
Polly saw Manuel walking about in a sheet, being filmed. She took the sheet off of him, to the dismay of the camera crew. Manuel went downstairs to take orders from people who wanted food. Manuel, still not realizing that toad in the hole does not call for pigeons, ended up letting more pigeons inside from the window.
"Sophia? Sophia?" asked Polly. She finally saw Sophia Primrose. She could barely contain herself.
"Hello!" said Sophia, waving.
"Sophia, can I have your autograph?" asked Polly.
"Well, we're filming right now, but sure!" replied Sophia. Suddenly, lots of pigeons began flying around the hotel.
"Oh my goodness, there they are. The ghastly horrible deathly phantom pigeons!" said Polly, pointing at all the pigeons. There were so many, nipping and biting at cameras that the equipment malfunctioned. Everyone had to leave, and the pigeons were flying absoloutely everywhere amidst folks trying to clean, prepare food,
and deliver it. Tables fell, chairs, glasses, everything. Polly and Sophia didn't seem to notice.
"You know, I had trouble finding the place. The sign didn't even say Fawlty Towers on it" said Sophia.
"Oh, well what did it say on the sign?" asked Polly.
"I'd rather not say," replied Sophia. "Wouldn't go with the show we're filming very well"
Suddenly, the Major attempted to shoot down the pigeons. EVERYONE LEFT THE HOTEL!
The next week...
"What were you doing in the Major's room when I ordered Polly out?" asked Basil.
"You put me up there Basil, so don't get any ideas" said Sybil.
"Oh, thank god it's a weekend" said Basil, with a packet of ice over his head.
"Now, now dear I'll throw away the duck if that's what you want" said Sybil.
"I can't afford to fix the hotel again for tomorrow, too many disasters in one week!" said Basil.
"It's okay dear, I'll handle it, who knows maybe we'll win the lottery" said Sybil.
"Don't say such horrible words!" shouted Basil.
"WHAT?" asked Sybil. Suddenly the winning numbers were announced.
"YOU WON? How dare you! It's not your fault Sybil. It's King Henry!" said Basil, picking up the duck and attempting to break it.
"YOU STUPID, SEIZURE INDUCING, HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE OF A CONTRAPTION. HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT YOU MURDERER!" said Basil.
He continued, "DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH SUCH INSOUCIANSE! YOU ARE THE MOST FOUL FOWL I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED IN MY LIFE!" shouted Basil.
THE END