Dear Yusuke,

He stared at the two words like he did every time he sat down and slipped the letter out of his wallet. The once pristine white had slowly aged over the years and become a wrinkled and crinkly yellow-ish color as he slowly blinked his dark eyes and attempted to focus on the words.

Not that he really needed to read the letter again- he knew all of the words by heart.

I don't know if you'll read this... Or if you even care-

His heart constricting in his chest as he continued on, his dark eyes scanning the ink scribbled onto the paper in a neat and tidy manner as he continued to read,

I'm sorry I called you weak.

His eyes blurring at the simple apology that he would never hear voiced, he tried to blink away the wetness gathering at the corners of his eyes, blurring the words until they all ran together.

I know more than anyone that you aren't weak. You simply lose your cool far too often.

Truer words had never been spoken, he mused darkly as his mind taunted. And truer words would never be spoken from the same lips again. We killed her, remember?

Of course he remembered. How could he not? It was one of the most horrifying things that had ever happened to him- to them. He had been her protector. Her refuge from pain, and sorrow. He had done all that he physically could to keep her safe from harm.

And yet...

It had never been enough.

Between his dad, his mom, the physical and mental abuse, school and his work- he had never really had a chance now had he? He had attempted the impossible and been spread far too thin. That was why she was dead now.

His eyes locked onto the next words as if they were a sacred mantra or prayer. And perhaps to him they were. But dammit after everything that had happened between them before she had died, didn't he at least deserve to know how she had really felt about him?

And that's fine. I still love you-

Love?

What the hell had she known about love? All she had ever experienced was the darker and more negative side of the emotion. Whether it had been at his hands or another's. And yet- the words were so fucking confusing to him.

How could she have loved him?

He was stupid.

Uneducated.

A bastard.

A punk.

And so much more... He was violent, arrogant, egotistical, shallow, cocky- Did he mention he was violent and stupid?

Perhaps it didn't really mattered one way or the other. What's done was done, there was no changing it. No point in whining and bitching over it.

It was over.

Done.

Finished.

A nameless chapter in a nameless book of epic failure's that was his life. Now wasn't that poetic? Maybe he should try writing a damned book about his failures.

He could start with chapter one- his birth and just sort of jot down all of the failures of his life, maybe add a few regrets and then, Bam! he'd have himself a goddamn book.

And even if he didn't, he still had this. This stupid letter from her to remind him of his failures.

I love you.

He knew that she had.

I'll say it as many times as you want.

She had.

I'll say it until you believe me.

He let out a low, hysterical sounding laugh. Oh he had believed it alright. He had believed it with all his goddamn heart and soul. It was impossible for him to believe otherwise, especially since he had spent so much fucking time with her.

He had spent everyday for four long years by her side. That was one thousand, four hundred and sixty days. That was close to thirty five thousand, and forty hours that he had literally spent glued to the side of one girl.

Doing nothing, and yet everything.

They had lived together, slept most nights in the same room (if not the same bed). He on his side, his larger body usually curled around her smaller one. His face usually buried in her thick mass of silken black hair or against the side of her slender neck where he could smell her slightly sweet, floral scent as he slept.

He had always slept the soundest when she was right there with him with his face either in her hair or against her neck. Where he could feel the heat of her body, the softness of her skin, her breath stirring his hair slightly after he settled down for the night with his face buried against her skin.

She had never once complained about his weight. Though she had clocked him plenty of times for not letting her up during the night to go to the bathroom.

Reaching up with a shaky hand, he used it to rub at his face before threading his fingers through his dark hair, taking a moment to push it back away from his eyes like she used to do. It was a habit that he had developed after her death as a means of trying to keep some part of her with him.

He didn't really think about it anymore. And no one bothered to point it out to him because they hadn't really known his habits all that well to begin with. So now when he did it, it was mostly used as a means to comfort or calm himself without anyone knowing.

Which was all well and good he supposed.

As long as it kept him from flipping out. Nothing else mattered. Sighing tiredly, he refolded the letter in his hands, carefully, so as not to accidentally destroy it with his clumsy oafish hands, and then slowly put it back into his wallet and tucked it into it's usual place in his back pocket.

Sitting back for a moment on his hotel bed, he rested the back of his head against the wall and listened to the going's on in the room next to his own.

He could hear Kuwabara griping at Hiei. And Hiei was likely bitching to Kurama.

As usual.

The oh so soft chattering between the three was giving him a headache, and if he were feeling alright at the moment- he'd probably get his ass off of his bed and march himself out there and tell the three of them to shut the fuck up. However he wasn't feeling like himself at the moment, his mind felt million's of miles away. His heart was still constricting off and on in his chest.

Causing this abysmal ache in the center of his chest that would neither go away nor settle, making a little bit harder to breathe minute by minute. If it kept up he felt as if he may begin to suffocate.

Maybe he should leave for a while?

Go out on a run or something?

He seriously doubted that he was going to manage to get any rest here tonight since he was feeling all...mopey. Grrr. He growled aloud to himself in annoyance as he shifted forward a little bit so that he was leaning away from the wall, his body drawn in on itself.

His long legs touching his chest while he rested his head on one of his knees for a moment as he silently debated with himself. Should he or shouldn't he?

If he left his room now, Kurama and Hiei would get antsy and try to figure out what was wrong with him. Whereas Kuwabara possibly had already picked up something from his sixth sense. Though Yusuke doubted that the ginger would actually voice his thoughts or concerns in a similar way that the demon's might.

Ya know what, fuck this shit. He couldn't sleep and if he bothered to try right now he'd probably wake the other's later, screaming. And not the fun kind either.

No- he'd probably wake up from the same nightmare as usual. His body covered in sweat, his heart pounding, his lungs struggling to breathe as he bolted upright in his bed screaming until he either passed out from hyperventilating or someone slapped him hard enough to wake him.

And even then there was no real guarantee that he wouldn't react oddly and do something like slam his back against the nearest wall and stay there for a good long time.

A wide eyed, sweat drenched, shivering mess.

Now wouldn't that give his demon friends (and Kuwabara) something to talk about. He thought ruefully as he sighed again and finished up his internal debate and then deftly removed himself from his bed and grabbed his jacket and his shoes. And took a moment or so to slip his feet into the loose tennis shoes before he bothered to tie them and then stood up from the bed and slipped on his jacket as he quietly headed towards the door.

The door clicked when he turned the knob, no doubt alerting the others to the fact that he was about to step out if the sudden agonizing silence in the room was anything to go by as he slowly stepped out of his room, careful to avoid locking eyes with one of his friends as he moved towards the room door, leaving out.

He had just reached for the door knob when he heard Kurama's voice call out to him. Tilting his head ever so slightly to look at the red headed human/fox demon hybrid, Yusuke seemed to consider him for a moment or two too long as the fox asked again, "Is everything alright?"

If he were a mind reader like Kuwabara, he'd have heard the big fat mental scream in his head indicating that- no, everything wasn't alright. As it was he could see both Kuwabara and Hiei flinch slightly before masking their expressions so as not to let him know that they were picking anything up from him as he finally replied in a mumbling tone, "Everything is fine. I just can't sleep so I thought that I'd go out."

If he had bothered to stick around for an answer or reply from Kurama of any kind he might have seen the strange look that crossed the fox demon's face as he thinned his lips slightly in annoyance. Obviously able to pick up on subtleties that other's couldn't, Kurama probably knew that he had just been lied too and didn't like it one little bit.

Not that Yusuke cared much whether the fox demon cared or not.

He had too much shit on his mind at the moment to care much about his friend's concern for him or his well being. Yusuke thought as he slipped out of the hotel room and quietly closed the door behind him. After which Kurama slowly lowered his poker cards and placed them face down on the table and cast Kuwabara a quick glance before saying, "Kuwabara."

The ginger haired young man stiffened slightly at the overly pleasant tone the fox demon used when saying his name. He. Knew. That. Tone. It was the very same one that his older sister used on him right before she kicked his ass every which way.

"What was wrong with Yusuke?"

"I can't say." Was all that Kuwabara could think of to say in response to the fox demon's question. Especially since he knew all too well what was going on with Urameshi and didn't want to be the one who spilled the beans.

He doubted that Yusuke would appreciate anyone poking around in his business. Especially when he was busy reliving his past.

However his response wasn't one that Kurama nor Hiei seemed to appreciate since he suddenly found himself staring down the business end of Hiei's sword as Kurama shifted slightly in his seat, and crossed his long legs. His emerald eyes glittering dangerously from beneath his long fiery red hair as he propped his chin in his palm and stared at the ginger as he sat with his hands in the air, trying hard not to squirm as Kurama tried again.

"What is wrong with Yusuke?"

Which literally translated to- Tell me or else- in Kuwabara's mind as he replied again in a slightly shaking voice, "I can't say!"

"And why exactly can't you say what is wrong with the detective?" Hiei asked in a snide tone as he pressed the tip of his blade against the human's neck. Kuwabara made a growling sound and pegged the two with a hard look before snapping,

"There are just some things that a person would rather keep secret. So how about the two of you respect that, and back off!" Earning a slightly shocked look from Kurama as the teen slowly pushed Hiei's blade away from his neck and got to his feet and shoved his way past the small fire demon as he made a beeline towards his bedroom in the hopes that he could escape the two before they tortured the crap out of him.