Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their king to save them. A noble king, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth.
But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the Drow elves can manipulate their mind and use them to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick… controls the universe.
…
South Park Colorado, a quiet little mountain town in the middle of nowhere. It was a nice place to settle down and hide out in, which is exactly what Chris and Kelly Mathers were looking for. They unloaded a large moving van parked out in front of their house, bringing in the last of the boxes.
"Well, I think that's everything." Chris declared as he set down his last stack of boxes.
"We did it, hon." Kelly replied, smiling at her husband. "We're really moved in."
"It's a new beginning for us." Chris announced, hugging his wife. "Things are finally going to be good."
Kelly hesitated a moment, her eyes slowly drifting to the stairwell that led up to the bedrooms.
"Do you really think it will be better for… for Alex?" she questioned.
"They won't look for Alex here." Chris assured her. "We just need to make sure they don't attract any attention. C'mon, let's see how they're doing."
The two walked up the stairs towards the door closest to the stairs. Kelly approached it, giving the door a light knock.
"Alex?" she called. "Sweetie, are you dressed."
"Yeah mom." Alex replied, opening their door.
9-year old Alex had tan skin and medium length black hair that somewhat hung over their face. They also had a long scar going across their right eye. At the moment, they were dressed in a black shirt with red pants and a matching scarf to combat the cold Colorado weather.
"You like your new room?" Chris asked, looking down at Alex.
Alex gave a shrug, having decided not to get too attached to the town. All their life they had moved about, never remaining in one place for very long. They never understood why, and their parents sure as hell weren't gonna explain, so Alex had elected to simply stop caring.
"I know that moving to a new town again must be difficult, but I'm sure this time will be different from before." Chris assured them.
Alex sighed. Their father had promised that many times as well, and each time the cycle repeated itself. Kelly noticed Alex's face and decided to speak up to clear the air.
"Your father and I are going to continue unpacking." She informed Alex. "Why don't you go outside and make some new friends?"
"Yeah." Chris agreed. "It looks like the entire neighborhood is playing some sort of massive fantasy game. I'm sure you'll have a ton of fun."
"Just make sure to be back before dark, okay sweetie?" Kelly requested.
Once again, Alex gave a silent shrug, then made their way past their parents and out towards the front door. Their parents watched them leave as Chris grumbled irritably.
"Yeah, we love you too…" he muttered sarcastically.
…
Alex pulled their scarf tighter around their neck as they stepped out into the cold, Colorado air. There was fresh snow on the ground that crunched under their feet, but the roads and sidewalks had been cleared, making travel relatively easy.
"You shall not prevail, evil drow elf!" a high pitched voice shouted from down the street. "I banish ye to the forest realm!"
"Nuh-uh." Another voice argued. "I banished you first."
Alex turn towards the sounds of the argument, coming across two kids duking it out. One was dressed like a stereotypical elf with the green Robin Hood outfit and a pair of Halloween elf ears stuck over his own. He was armed with a wooden sword, which he was currently using to beat up his opponent.
The elf's opponent was a boy with blonde hair that stuck out from around a cardboard circlet. He wore what looked like to be a light blue snow suit with a dark blue blanket as a cape and other cardboard armor pieces either tied or taped to his coat. He was armed with a ballpeen hammer, but the elf he was battling quickly disarmed him.
"Ha-ha!" The elf cackled, beating the blonde haired boy over and over with his wooden sword. "You can't hold out much longer!"
The blonde boy began crying for help, trying to cover his head. Alex approached, letting off a cough to get the elf's attention. The elf turned towards them just in time to get a face full of Alex's fist. The kid fell back, rubbing his nose in pain.
"Hey, that's no fair!" the elf whined. "I'm going to tell my mom!"
The elf ran off, no doubt to tattle to his mom, but Alex didn't care. They turned their attention to the elf's victim, recovering his hammer and returning it to him.
"Whoa, thanks." The blonde boy said gratefully, getting to his feet and reclaiming the hammer. "He had a health potion I didn't know about."
Alex raised an eyebrow in confusion as the kid held out his hand.
"My name is Butters the Merciful." He greeted. "I'm a paladin, and I live right next door to you."
Alex glanced over at the house next door to their own, then over at Butters. After a second, they took Butters' offered hand with a small smirk.
"Alex." They greeted.
"Nice to meet you Alex." Butters declared, releasing Alex's hand. "It'll be great to have a new friend."
Alex gave a shrug, sticking their hands in their pockets as Butters continued speaking.
"You know, you're pretty good in a fight." He complimented. "We should go see the Wizard King. I'm sure he'd love to have someone as tough as you as part of Kupa Keep."
"Wizard King?" Alex repeated questioningly.
"He's my friend Cartman." Butters explained in a quieter tone. "He's been talking about your arrival for some time now."
Alex gave a shrug, one that Butters took for consent. He turned and began walking down the street, Alex trailing behind. As they continued walking through the snow, Butters began rattling off a long series of questions about Alex.
"Where are you from?" he asked.
"Nowhere."
"Where'd you live before moving here?"
"Everywhere."
"Do you like Colorado?"
"Dunno."
"Why are you wearing your hair like that?"
"Because."
"You don't talk much, do ya?"
"Nope."
"That's okay, I can talk for both of us!"
Eventually, the pair reached a green house, Butters immediately running up to the door and giving it a knock. After a moment, a very fat kid with a double chin opened the door for them. He was wearing a red bathrobe with a blue blanket as a cape. He also had an obviously handmade blue wizard hat with a rough gold star haphazardly stitched to it. He had a long stick in his hand, no doubt serving as his wizard staff, and he looked upon the two kids with an air of pomp and self-worth.
"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters cheered, throwing his hands up in the air.
Alex looked at Butters with a raised eyebrow, wondering who he was talking to considering the street was empty. After a moment, Butters lowered his arms as both he and Alex turned towards the fat kid.
"So you are the new kid." He declared, glancing Alex up and down. "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Grand Wizard."
Alex gave a small nod, unsure of how to react. The Grand Wizard, or Cartman as Butters had explained earlier, merely continued on.
"The time for talk is not nigh." He announced. "Let me show you my kingdom."
The Grand Wizard turned and walked into the house, Butters and Alex following after. As they walked through the living room, Cartman's mom looked up from the TV, smiling at Alex.
"Oh who's your new friend, Eric?" she asked in a high and somewhat demeaning tone of voice.
"Shut up mom." Cartman let out, continuing to lead Butters and Alex without even looking at his mom. "Not now."
After this brief encounter, the three ventured out into the backyard, where a large kingdom had been built using cardboard, blankets, rope, and a lot of duct tape.
"Welcome!" The Grand Wizard declared. "To the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"
Alex looked around, honestly impressed by the amount of work that had to have gone into making the kingdom. There were a few other kids scattered about the yard, all of them dressed in medieval costumes. The Grand Wizard approached a folding table covered in an old tarp and fake weapons, coming up next to the boy supposedly in charge of the set up.
"This is our armory, which is tended to by Clyde, our level 14 warrior." He explained.
"Sup." Clyde greeted, giving a small wave of his hand.
Alex gave a small wave back as the Grand Wizard moved on to a sandbox marked off with jump rope. Inside was a single cat being petted by a boy wearing a belt covered in bottles and syringes. For some reason, his tongue was sticking out of his mouth.
"Our stables are overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson." The Grand Wizard continued. "He is also a master of Diabetes."
Alex gave a nod, now understanding the significance of the bottles and syringes. No doubt they were Scott's insulin. Once again The Grand Wizard moved on, approaching another kid in an orange parka that almost completely obscured their face. They wore a blonde wig over the hood of their parka, as well as a purple and white dress, and some fake jewelry to top it all off.
"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny." The Grand Wizard introduced. "The fairest maiden in all the kingdom."
Alex blinked, giving Kenny a strange look. Kenny gave a falsetto giggle that was muffled by his parka before curtsying. Cartman sighed, then placed a hand beside his mouth so Kenny wouldn't see.
"Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick." He whispered. "It's just how he seems to be rolling right now."
Alex shrugged, then The Grand Wizard spoke once more.
"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger." He explained. "I need something from you, and in return, I am prepared to offer you into my kingdom."
Alex gave a slow nod, intrigued by the elaborate game, and curious to see how well they'd fair.
"I know you are very excited." The Grand Wizard remarked. "For it is time for your first quest, but first- please tell us thy name."
"Alex."
The Grand Wizard squinted a bit.
"What kind of Douchebag name is that?" He let out. "You know what, I'm just gonna call you Douchebag, okay?"
Alex opened their mouth to retort, but was cut off.
"Glad you agree, Douchebag." The Grand Wizard interrupted. "Now we just need to choose a class for you. There are four to choose from: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. A fighter has courage, honor, and the ability to kick fucking ass. A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool. You certainly look sneaky enough to be a thief, though I hope you don't pick Jew. You seem okay and I'd hate to have to single you out."
Alex mulled over the choices, wondering whether or not they should even play. Cartman was proving to be a huge dick, as well as an asshole, and being his friend seemed detrimental. However, Alex knew that their parents wanted them to make friends, and while Cartman was proving to me a prick, Butters had been nice, and the other kids seems okay too.
"Fighter." They eventually decided.
"Very well." The Grand Wizard declared. "Welcome to Kupa Keep, Douchebag the Fighter!"
Alex went to try and argue about their name, but was once again cut off.
"Hooray!" Butters cheered.
Clyde approached with a wooden sword, as well as a headband and a pair of gloves.
"Here is thine armor, Fighter Douchebag." He explained, holding them out like one would an actual sword.
Alex took the gear, sliding the gloves on and tying the headband onto their forehead. Once they took the wooden sword, The Grand Wizard patted them on the back.
"Now that you are properly attired and armed, it is time to test your fighting ability." He announced. "Take up your weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight – beat up Clyde."
"What?" Both Alex and Clyde exclaimed.
"Kick Clyde's ass, Douchebag!" The Grand Wizard demanded.
"What did I do?!" Clyde let out.
"I'm the king, Clyde!" Cartman snapped. "The King wishes to be amused! Now go on New Kid, kick his ass!"
Clyde and Alex exchanged glances, then they both moved into fighting stances, both of them lifting their weapons.
"Sorry…" Alex said softly.
"Don't sweat it." Clyde replied. "Just don't get mad when I own you in this fight."
"Just remember that we have to wait turns." Cartman called out.
"Wait turns?" Clyde repeated. "Dude that's fucking lame."
"No Clyde, it's like the olden times." Cartman argued. "You have to wait your turn, like in the Middle Ages Clyde. I know it's lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it."
"So, I go first?" Alex questioned.
"Yes." Cartman answered. "Now bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy!"
Alex shrugged, then swung their sword at Clyde. Clyde easily blocked the blow, then tried for a swing of his own. The wooden blade connected with Alex's side, causing them to yelp in pain. Alex rubbed their side as Clyde smirked. The Grand Wizard pinched the bridge of his nose in regret.
"Great, it's Butters all over again." He moaned. "Come on Douchebag, hit him with everything you've got!"
Alex growled, then lifted their sword, clipping Clyde on the side of the head. He stumbled a bit, his helmet nearly flying off his head. The Grand Wizard gasped as Clyde straightened up.
"Holy shit dude, I think I see blood!" The Grand Wizard exclaimed. "Fucking nice, brah!"
Clyde tapped the side of his head where Alex's weapon had connected. Sure enough, there was some blood. His eyes narrowed as he turned to Alex.
"You're fucked now, New Kid." He warned.
He rushed as Alex, barely giving them time to lift their weapon. The sword would have connected with Alex's head had they been two seconds slower, but luckily, they weren't. Alex shoved Clyde off, then delivered a blow to his stomach, sending him reeling over in pain. The Grand Wizard visibly winced.
"Fuck man that was brutal." He remarked.
Clyde coughed, then straightened up, visibly hurt. Alex approached him cautiously, then saw Clyde drop his sword.
"You win, New Kid." Clyde declared. "Nice fight."
Alex breathed a sigh of relief, sliding their sword onto their belt before offering a hand to Clyde. Clyde took it, then The Grand Wizard approached the both of them.
"Fuck yeah that was a nice fight!" He shouted. "You totally got your ass handed to you by a fucking noob!"
Clyde glared at Cartman, then dusted himself off and returned to his post. Cartman calmed down a bit, then turned back to Alex.
"You've proven yourself worthy, Douchebag." He declared. "Come into my war tent, there is something I wish for you to see."
He turned and made his way towards a tent that had been set up behind the large cardboard castle. Alex walked in after them, curiosity getting the better of them. The inside of the tent had been set up to resemble a throne room of sorts, with an old easy chair that had several gardening tools duct taped to it serve as an Iron Throne replica. There was a table with a crudely drawn map of the city beside the throne, as well as a bucket or two of fried chicken.
"Behold, the source of the never-ending feud between the Humans and the Drow Elves." The Grand Wizard announced. "The relic for which human and elf are willing to die… The Stick of Truth."
Resting upon a column made from an old birdbath and a pillow, a single stick resided. It was a very boring stick, no ornaments or decorations. It didn't even have any leaves. However, when the Grand Wizard spoke of it, it was with great reverence.
"Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves." He explained. "Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whomever controls the stick, controls the universe."
Alex let out a whistle, now seeing the significance.
"Don't gaze at it too long." The Grand Wizard warned. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at."
Alex dutifully looked away.
"So, what now?" Alex questioned.
"Now, we guard the Stick." The Grand Wizard answered. "There's no doubt in my mind that the High Jew Elf King is trying to find a way to snatch the Stick of Truth from us once again."
As if on cue, Butters began shouting from outside the tent.
"Alarm!" he screamed. "Alarm! Alarm!"
Both The Grand Wizard and Alex came running out of the tent to see Butters jumping around and waving his arms like a crazed chicken.
"What is it?" The Grand Wizard questioned.
"The elves are attacking!" Butters exclaimed.
"Oh my god!" The Grand Wizard shouted. "Everyone, defensive positions!"
Kids began scrambling about grabbing weapons and attempting to barricade the fence. Outside of the gate, a large group of kids, all of them dressed like elves, were quickly approaching Kupa Keep.
"Give us the Stick, humans!" A blonde elf leading the charge demanded.
"Fuck you, Drow Elf!" the Grand Wizard taunted. "Come and get it!"
The Elves charged at The Grand Wizard turned to Clyde.
"Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!" he ordered.
"Aye, aye!" Clyde replied, running off towards the Stick.
"Aye, aye?" Cartman repeated in annoyance. "We're not playing Pirates, Clyde!"
Alex gripped their sword, turning to The Grand Wizard.
"What should I do?" They asked.
"Hold off those asshole elves at all costs, Douchebag." He replied. "We cannot let them reclaim the Stick!"
The backyard had become a warzone, with humans and elves attacking one another viciously. Alex barely had time to blink before a suction cup arrow struck them in the arm. They turned just in time to see two elves approaching. One was aiming another arrow at them, one that Alex quickly dodged. They yanked the arrow off of their arm, tossing it aside.
"Douchebag, catch!" The Grand Wizard shouted.
Alex turned in time to see a bag of Cheesy Poofs being thrown at their head. Alex caught it.
"It's a health potion!" he explained. "Eat some."
Deciding not to question the logic of the game, or how a food item could be considered a potion, Alex opened the bag, taking a few Poofs before shoving the bag into their coat pocket.
"You can have one potion per turn according to the rules." Cartman explained. "I asked for five, but this was the compromise."
Alex nodded, then turned back to the fight. The second elf, armed with a wooden sword similar to Alex's, charged at Alex. He swung twice, Alex blocking each attack. After the second block, the elf lost his grip on his sword and it flew out of his hands. Alex took advantage of that, clipping him across the chest before kicking him back. The elf ended up sprawled out on the ground, moaning in pain.
The elf archer looked at his fallen friend, then over at Alex. Alex grinned, then slid their sword back in their belt before picking up a rock. With a deft toss, they lobbed it right into the elf's head. He fell, joining his companion on the ground. Alex snatched the bow and arrows from the elf before returning to combat.
"Ow!" Butters cried out. "Help!"
Alex turned to see two elves ganging up on him. Knocking back an arrow, Alex took aim at one of them, the arrow sticking to the back of their head.
"Headshot!" Cartman shouted. "You're dead asshole!"
The elf pulled the arrow from his head, looking back at Alex before flipping them the bird. He then dropped to the ground, pretending to be dead as his partner turned to Alex. He barely had time to react before another arrow fired from Alex's bow. The elf easily blocked the arrow, charging. Discarding the bow, Alex pulled their sword out again, blocking the oncoming blow before catching the elf upside the head. Once more, the elf hit the ground.
"You're slaying them, Douchebag!" The Grand Wizard cheered.
Finally, two more elves moved in on Alex. These two had bicycle helmets that had been painted green, leading Alex to assume they were some form of armor. Lifting their sword, Alex prepared for their assault. One lifted up a very crudely made wooden shield, charging at Alex. They swung, easily shattering the poorly constructed shield before aiming a blow at the elf's stomach.
"Jeez, what is this new kid?" The other elf questioned.
Alex grinned, lifting their sword before turning to the other elf.
"A Fighter." They answered before plunging the sword into the elf's stomach.
The kid fell, coughing a bit as he filled his mouth with a small packet of ketchup. The blonde elf that had led the charge looked around at his fallen friends. His eyes fell upon those that had been bested by Alex as well as those taken out by the other kids of Kupa Keep.
"Drow elves!" he shouted. "Fall back! Fall back I say!"
One by one, all of the elves peeled out of Kupa Keep, many of them nursing cuts and bruises. Those who had sustained a few more injuries than most were aided by their friends in running to safety. The humans of Kupa Keep watched them go as the Grand Wizard lifted his staff triumphantly.
"Yes! Awesome, dude!" he cheered before turning to the gate. "Take that you asshole elves! Better luck next time!"
He then proceeded to do a triumphant dance, shaking his oversized ass about in the general direction of the gate.
"We still control the universe!" he sang a bit, still dancing about.
"It's gone." Clyde suddenly said.
The Grand Wizard stopped his dance, turning to the approaching Clyde in shock and anger.
"What?" he questioned.
"The Stick of Truth." Clyde clarified, coming to a stop. "The elves got it."
There was a long moment of silence, then Cartman practically blew up.
"That was your one goddamn job, Clyde!" he screamed, getting right up in Clyde's face. "To guard the Stick of fucking Truth!"
Alex took a step away from Cartman as he continued shouting in Clyde's face.
"You know what, fuck you Clyde!" Cartman declared. "I banish you from space and time!"
"What? No!" Clyde snapped, more angry than surprised. "You can't do that!"
"Yeah I can!" Cartman replied. "You're banished, and lost in space and time!"
"Yeah, go home Clyde!" Butters added from behind Cartman.
Clyde glared at Cartman, then took of his helmet and tossed it on the ground. He stormed out of Kupa Keep, leaving the rest of the humans be. Cartman picked up the helmet, approaching Alex.
"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag." He complimented, placing the helmet on their head.
"Yeah." Scott agreed, his speech slightly slurred by his sticking out tongue. "This new kid might be a douchebag, but he can still fight."
Alex went to open their mouth to speak, but was once again interrupted by Cartman.
"Shut up, Scott." The Grand Wizard snapped. "Nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now. The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our entire army in order to get it back."
"But our three best warriors haven't reported for duty yet, Milord." Butters informed him.
"I'll get them." Alex volunteered.
"Of course you will." The Grand Wizard declared. "You're just a level 2 Fighter, so you're just a grunt, so you do the grunt work. You'll have to find my three best warriors; Token, Tweek, and Craig."
Alex raised an eyebrow, then Cartman sighed, holding out his hand.
"Give me your personal inventory device." He demanded.
Alex looked at the hand in confusion, then Butters slid forward, whispering in Alex's ear.
"He means your cellphone, Alex." He explained.
Recognition dawning, Alex fished into their coat, pulling out their cell phone and handing it to Cartman. Cartman snatched it, taking out his own before texting away.
"There, their pictures are now on your personal inventory device." The Grand Wizard declared, handing the phone back to Alex. "But beware, the lands outside are full of marauding Drow Elves, monsters, and Sixth Graders. That, and as a newcomer to our land, you will no doubt get hopelessly lost. Paladin Butters will accompany you."
Butters gave a nod, then turned to Alex.
"Let's go, Alex." He declared. "We have to gather the warriors!"
With that, our noble heroes took their valiant quest to gather the fighters of Zaron, and save the universe.