Note from the stupid author: Do I even have to say that I don't own Radio Free Roscoe? I DON'T THINK I DO, unless I think everyone in the world is that stupid. Included in the story below is coarse language such sa "poopoo". Sorry I was lying just then. Anyway I'll shut up.
It was the showdown. Lillian Randall held a black revolver clasped tightly in her hands. Her palms were growing sweaty around the gun. Facing her was Travis Strong, with his own weapon pointed at her.
"Put the gun down, Lily," he said in a smooth voice. "Buddha says to forgi-"
"SHUT UP YOUR STUPID FACE!"
"Come on now, girlfriend," Travis said, sweat dripping down his nose and into his mouth. He made a face and spat the sweat onto the ground.
"THAT'S SO GROSS!" Lily screamed. "DON'T CALL ME GIRLFRIEND THAT'S A HOMOSEXUAL THING TO SAY. ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL, I DON'T EVEN THINK SO CAUSE YOU'VE KISSED LIKE TEN BILLION GIRLS!"
"Lily, calm down," Travis said, with emotion in his voice. "And I'm bisexual, so I'm both, okay? Now you know the truth." He sneezed, so snot starting pouring down his face. Lily noticed that he had a bright red zit on one cheek.
"I'M A LOVELY GIRL!" Lily screeched, her hands shaking.
"No," Travis said seriously. "You don't understand."
"I'M SO MUSICAL!" Lily yelled. "WHEN I SING IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHICKEN IS BARFING BUT I THINK I'M GOOD!"
"Stop saying that," Travis' eyes filled up with tears.
"What the poopoo is going on?" Raymond Brennan said as he came into the room, watching two of his best friends (he didn't actually like them but they kept on following him because they thought he was funny even though he wasn't really).
"TELL HIM, RAY!" Lily shouted. "TELL HIM I'M GOOD AT GUITAR!"
"Um, why are you even screaming?" Ray asked, trying to be funny.
"Tell her to drop the gun, Ray," Travis begged, boiling tears streaming down his face so he got third degree burns.
"How bout YOU drop YOUR gun?" Ray responded smugly, thinking that that had been a cool retort. Then there was a knock on the door and Robert McGrath entered.
"Hey, my hip chums," he said.
"DON'T CALL US HIP CHUMS!" Lily rounded on him, the gun no longer pointing at Travis.
"What the heckioooo?" Robbie said, being really bad at acting.
"Buddha says-" Travis began, but he was cut off by Lily, who swung around to face him again.
"WHO WAS EVEN TALKING TO YOU, I DON'T THINK WE EVEN NOTICED YOU WERE ALIVE!" She wept openly and barfed on Robbie's shoes.
"Ew," Robbie said. "EW! I HATE ALL OF YOU! Now I want to comb my hair." And he retreated out of the room, but then his big hair got stuck in the door so he started crying and vomiting at the same time.
"This is gross," Ray said.
"OH YEAH BOOBA?" Lily shrieked. "HOW BOUT I SHOOT YOU NOW? HUH?" Ray rolled his eyes.
"Stop freaking out," he said, trying to be funny again, but no one even laughed. Robbie and Travis were both crying now, they hiccupped and sniffled and snorted at the exact same time.
"PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS!" Lily roared. "RAY. PLUCK. YOUR. EYEBROWS."
"But my eyebrows are so hip!" Ray moaned.
"DON'T. SAY. HIP. JUST. DON'T!" Lily screamed.
"Why are we trying to be angsty?" Robbie asked between sobs. "Why must we choose this path? I'm Question Mark, and I'm wondering-"
"SHUT UP!" Lily cried. "STOP YOUR WONDERING! I'M GOOD AT SINGING!"
"Eugh," Travis sighed.
"DON'T EUGH MY LIFE!" Lily bawled, so some tadpoles came running out of her mouth and onto the ground. Ray stepped on them.
"Ray, that was like so mean to animals!" Robbie said as he stopped crying, and his eyes became big and round like his hair.
"THAT'S THE FINAL STRAW!" Lily shrieked. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS CRAP ANYMORE!" She rounded on Robbie with her gun and pulled the trigger. Only she accidentally shot herself. "OWIE!" She screamed repeatedly before she died.
"Sheesh, finally," Ray sighed, failing, once again, to be funny.
"She should have listened to me," Travis murmured, scratching the sole of his shoe. Ray rolled his eyes.
"Why are you even scratching the sole of your shoe?"
"I'm stuck," Robbie complained.
THE END I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT LOVELY BUTTISH STORY