Leon plopped on his small behind onto the floor, looking up at his father while attempting to cram his hand into his mouth. Ed sighed and sat down on the wooden planks with him and pulled out the baby hand, not minding the sticky saliva. Winry was taking a nap with Millie, who they'd finally coaxed into sleep, which meant he had an hour and a half before they woke up.

"Leon, there comes a time when I need to give you a talk on being a big brother."

The baby smiled like the sun. Ed coughed uncomfortably.

"Look, Leon, when you grow up, your sister- hey, don't do that!" Leon had attempted to chew a metal plate. Muttering about letting sharp metal things lie around on the floor for their small children, Ed took it and placed it (carefully) somewhere very high.

0o0o0

"To be a good elder brother, you need to…" Ed trailed off, smelling something he was hoping fervently he wasn't smelling. Something that had caused Winry to laugh at him until she'd collapsed on the floor, because he was disgusted by one thing; not vomit, not snot, not saliva, not even blood could compare:

Nothing could be worse than the smell of a filled diaper.

"Crap crap crap crap crap…" he muttered, scooping up his son. He ran off to the bathroom and got out a new diaper and warm water and other things that Winry always seemed to need. But when he came back, he was at a loss.

How did you magically rewrap a baby's bottom so that they could toddle around happily? He wasn't going to wake Winry up to do it. Not after that time when Leon had started gumming one of her wrenches…

He shuddered. No way. He was a man, right? A tall man! Yeah! He could do this!

0o0o0

A few minutes later, he was seriously contemplating letting Leon run around naked.

Cleaning him up wasn't a problem. He could dispose of the nappy and clean up the nether regions just fine. But how did you make the confounded diaper stay on?

Leon was extremely unhelpful in this process, alternately crying, spitting up, or sleeping, blissfully unaware of the complexities of the nappy. Ed would try and wrap it all up neatly and pull out the safety pin, but by the time he'd done so, Leon was thrashing around, wailing for some reason. This made all his hard work come undone.

Eventually, Ed held it in place and tried to soothe the baby by singing, but his musical abilities were so lacking that he ended up making the baby cry even more.

In desperation, he recited the Table of Elements.

"Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen, Oxygen-" The baby shut up and listened a bit. Emboldened, Ed kept going, while carefully tucking the linen cloth together.

"-Actinium, Thorium, Protactium, and finally Uranium." Ed finished, slowly easing the last fold into place. His child was still looking up at him with big eyes as if waiting to say more. Ed pinned the swaddling together and picked up the kid, setting him on the ground.

"There! And Winry says I can't change diapers!" Ed beamed, hands on his waist. Leon attempted a similar pose, but he fell over backwards on his rump. He got back up again, ran around Ed, and ran out through the halls.

Ed stood there for a full five seconds before remembering that the front door was unlocked.

0o0o0

Den, used to this lively new ball of energy, had already herded the child back to the house by the time Ed had searched the backwoods. He woofed in a resigned way, knowing that his master's mate was rather hopeless at this sort of thing.

"Leon!" shouted Ed. He scooped up the baby and threw him up in the air. Leon was violently sick on Ed's shirt, but he didn't care.

0o0o0

"Okay, Leon, that scared the shit out of me." began Ed. Once again, they were seated upon the floor. "Since you're the eldest child, you have to be responsible and care for your sister."

Leon drooled.

"Even if it seems the whole damn world is against you, always think of your sis first. If she's scared, then you should comfort her. If she's sad, make her laugh. And if some boy," he added, an evil look in his eye, "tries to cozy up to her, you have to report that immediately! I have to judge if he's worthy! Remember, this is a secret between men!"

Winry watched her husband in amusement as he attempted to make the baby pinky-swear with him. She leaned against the doorframe, cradling the still-sleeping Millie in her arms.

"Geez, Ed, he's only two. You can't make serious promises with a two year old." she muttered to Millie.

... :'D

I really can't write Ed anymore. Could you tell how OOC he was?

Ed as an inept parent is my personal headcanon.