"Liz, are you okay? You don't even seem yourself".
Elizaveta expected her friend's question, as she herself noticed her sudden change of behaviour.
She had been feeling off lately. She often spaced out and got lost in her own thoughts, she had been having trouble sleeping, and everything that once she enjoyed, now just felt didn't appeal her.
She just had hoped that no one else would notice her discomfort.
"What makes you ask me this question?"
"You haven't insulted me for 30 minutes".
Touchè.
"Yeah, I'm fine, idiot. Just a little nervous".
Well, that isn't a lie.
The white haired guy laughed, and strongly patted her back.
Thanks God there's his laugh.
"That's normal, you moron! You're going to take your Abiturprüfung*, who on earth wouldn't be nervous? It's an important exam, Liz. I was terrified as well when I took it last year, but everything went just fine, and I'm not as smart as you! I used to come late at the lessons, I skipped school days to go out with my scooter, I was loud and slept in class. But I eventually passed, and if I made it, you can too, trust me. "
She sighed deeply, closed her eyes, and squeezed the mint green she was currently holding while sitting on her bed.
"Gil, I know, you're right. It's just that..."
She paused. After so many weeks keeping that sensation for herself, locked, it sounded strange to say it out loud.
The words died in her throat.
"...that?"
A distinct voice brought her back to reality.
She looked at the older boy, and sprawled on the bed, while still holding close that mint green pillow.
"You know you can always tell me everything. I've known you since you came to Germany and we still were in der Grundschule*. I think we know each other enough"
Gilbert has been her first friend. Elizaveta remembered the struggle with moving to a new country, and attending a new school, without any friends. She remembered trying to learn German, but she was too self conscious about her knowledge of the language to actually talk with the other kids, so she would often stay by herself.
Until, a day, a loud kid with light, messy hair and a freckled face came to show her his awesome collection of dead bugs.
The girl looked down, frowning.
"...I'm confused".
Gilbert sighed, and laid down next to his friend, looking at the ceiling.
"Liz, what do you want to do after high school?"
She rolled her eyes, and folded her arms under her head.
"Well, I don't have much choice: medicine faculty, or medicine faculty" she replied, her voice suddenly assuming a colder tone.
"I didn't ask you that, though."
She looked at him, taken aback from his affirmation.
"I asked what do you want to do".
She took a deep breath, and let her pillow fall from the bed, as she brought herself to a sitting position again, her legs folded.
At that moment, Elizaveta let everything out. She felt like she was going to explode, the pressure of her feelings overwhelming her.
She couldn't keep them for themselves anymore.
So she started to speak, her words coming out like a waterfall.
"You know, Gil? I'd like to travel. I'd like to put on a pair of sunglasses and jump on my grandfather's aged camper, to run away from my house.
I'd like to see new things. I'd like to lay in a camp of flowers, and enjoy the fresh breeze on my face and the sweet smell of daises. I'd like to explore simple yet breathtaking places, capturing them with an old Polaroid and collecting the photos in a shabby handmade album".
She chuckled bitterly.
"I'd like to go to the beach when it's already dark, and jump on the water with all my clothes on. Then, I'd spend the night singing drunken songs with my friends, with the bottle of tequila still in hand, around the campfire.
I'd like to run, scream, dance, kiss, taste, breathe.
To feel.
But how can I.
How can we feel, when just a tear too much, a laughter too much, a breath too much, is forbidden.
Because we have to pretend that everything is okay, that our lives are fucking perfect and that we don't have any fears, any difficulties, any anxieties. We have to pretend that we're free when everything we do, is to please someone else. Everyone except us".
She sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes, trying to hide the fact that she was actually crying.
"Because we're always too young to live, until we're too old to live. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.
I don't want to be a woman. I don't want to be their woman. I want to be myself".
She closed her eyes, letting more tears roll down her cheeks.
At that moment, she felt a pale hand brushing against her face, wiping all the tears off Elizaveta's face.
Then, she felt another hand take her own.
The two slowly got closer, without even realizing it, until their foreheads could touch, and they could breathe into each other's space.
They didn't even notice when their lips connected as well.
"Everything is going to be okay, princess".
Gilbert let her lay her head on his chest, while his arms enveloped her body against his own.
And they left it like that.
Elizaveta eventually passed the exam.
She felt like an extremely heavy weight had been taken off her chest.
That night, she finally managed to fall asleep, even if still agitated for the party her friends had organized for her.
She dreamt of freckled, white haired boys with a red and black scooter.
The morning after, she woke up due to something hitting her room's window.
She ignored it the first time, but the noise persisted.
She decided that she was too tired to check, so she just turned to the other side of the bed, covering her head.
Then she heard her phone vibrating, and reluctantly came out from her cocoon to see who was messaging her.
From: Asshole
Come out, idiot! There's something for you
Something for me?
She put on a pair of slippers, not even bothering to change herself from her pyjamas, and quickly ran down the stairs.
When she opened the door, she certainly didn't expect her boyfriend with a suitcase, wearing shorts and sunglasses, standing next to a done up version of her grandfather's camper.
He was laughing.
"Finally Her Majesty woke up! You better prepare your things, sleepyhead!"
She stared at him, unable to speak.
He grinned.
"We're going on a road trip, princess".
Abiturprüfung: school leaving examination
Grundschule: elementary school