Akatsuki Fitness Club Membership

I don't own Naruto nor do I make any type of profit from my fictions

"Alright Itachi, can you read that line for me?" Itachi leaned forward.

"X, T, N, S, U." Itachi leaned back with confidence

"How about this line?" Itachi leaned forward again and squinted his eyes.

"A……L, Q….H….Z, K."

"No, Itachi you need to try that line again." Itachi rolled his eyes in disgust.

"R, Y, P, D, C." He said squinting harder.

"Itachi, you're leaning forward in the chair, can you sit back with your back resting against the pad and read it. Itachi huffed at this doctor.

"Y, T, W, R, J!" he was getting disgusted.

"Okay I think we need to try…"

"OH MY GOD! F,U,C,K Y,O,U!!!!!!!!!" Itachi yelled.

"Itachi, I know you're upset but you can't read the 5th line on the chart. I think you may be developing a great degree of near sightedness. You're going to need glasses to see at a distance." The doctor said. Itachi was appalled.

"Oh…my….god…I…I….I do NOT wear GLASSES! Why can't I have CONTACTS! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M PRETTY!? Oh my god…..you're jealous…you want to fuck up my face!" Itachi was on the edge of a dramatic breakdown.

"Itachi, you can have contact lenses but we don't have any available in your prescription strength right now, I would suggest you get a pair of glasses until we order them. Not to mention there will be times when perhaps you don't want to wear contacts but will still need to be able to see at a distance." Right now Itachi was trying to deal with this unfortunate and traumatic news.

"Glasses? Glasses?" he repeated to the doctor desperately. The doctor scribbled a prescription for lenses.

"Here you go, here's your lens prescription. Your contact lenses will be ordered today and we'll call you when they come in." The doctor reassured him although Itachi still had a look of disgust, defeat and nausea on his face.

Meanwhile, back at home Marisol was preparing to leave for the salon where she worked part-time when the doorbell rang. It was a delivery man.

"Lola Aagard?" He questioned.

"No, I'm not Lola I'm not in my thirties." Marisol answered him. "But I can take a message for her!"

"I have a delivery for her. Here you go." The delivery man handed Marisol a package.

"Thanks! I'll make certain she gets it!" Marisol left the package on the kitchen counter and headed out the door. Itachi had left the doctor's office and was headed back home…in the most wretched of moods of course. It was a low key early afternoon back at the house.

"You must be an attorney cause you hung my jury?" Kisame read a message on a paper towel with a questioning attitude. Sasori was in the kitchen and he turned around to face Kisame.

"Oh yeah, I really like that one." He laughed at the message. "See everyday, I write tacky pick up lines on Lola's paper towels I pack in her lunch. That one is for tomorrow."

"So…what was today's?" Kisame asked.

"Is it hot in here or is it just you." Sasroi said.

"That is so tacky...god I wish I had a collection of tacky shit like that." Kisame said. This pleasant conversation was interrupted by the front door flying open and Deidara bursting through it excitedly.

"Oh my god! I am like………so excited right now I can barely breathe, yeah."

"Shit, that means that somewhere in the world some dumbass bird either laid an egg or hatched from one." Sasroi mumbled as he worked on his tomato basil bruschetta. It had been a while since he had made this dish.

"Okay, okay…okay. So, I was t the leader's place because I was dropping off his dry cleaning because he doesn't trust his wife to do it since the last time she accidently put a load of delicates in the dryer on high heat instead of low heat and then the colors in his favorite…."

"Deidara, get on with it." Zetsu cut him off.

"Oh yeah, well anyway. Pein was over there and he's lost weight! I was like all happy because you remember how self conscious he was at that last convention in Toronto a few years ago? You know the one where the leader forced us to go to that stupid Raptors game and my god hockey people are like so…."

"Oh for the love of god Deidara what the hell are you trying to tell us!?" Kisame was getting frustrated because Deidara always did this when he got too excited.

"Oh yeah, okay sorry. Anyway, so Pein's lost weight and he met this girl with blue hair…she had her back to me so I can't tell you much but anyway….he met her AND lost all his weight at…..THE FITNESS CLUB, YEAH!" Deidara squealed with delight.

"That's it?" Sasori asked dryly.

"Oh…and he gave me these passes for…A ONE MONTH FREE TRIAL MEMBERSHIP AT THE FITNESS CLUB! See, it's part of their refer a friend program where you get a special monthly discount rate when you get your friends to use the trial passes and join the club, yeah. And oh my god I saw the fitness center and it's like so….." Sasori cut Deidara off.

"No! No, no, no, no, no! You know how much I hate fitness centers! You know how much more in shape those people there are than me! You know that all those stupid as places do is make me want to go back to my childhood counselor and discuss my self esteem issues! I'm not going." Sasori said.

"Seriously, I thought you haven't had those issues since you met Lola." Hidan said.

"Well, I haven't…but going to that lame ass place will just bring it all back." Sasori said drizzling his olive oil on his baked bread pieces.

"But Sasori, Danna you just have to go you have to. We have PASSES, yeah! And you want Pein to get his membership discount."

"I don't care! He didn't like my cooking when I took a tiramisu to the leader's for that stupid ass birthday party for his wife. Pein deserves to be a fat ass…he didn't eat my cooking." Sasori was still put out by that even though it had happened several years earlier. Deidara was getting ready to convince Sasori that the fitness club would be fun when the door flew open.

"Itachi! Itachi's you'll never believe this, yeah!" Deidara was getting ready to spread the good news.

"Go to hell! Just go to fucking hell! My life is nothing but shit! Everything bad happens to me and there's nothing you can say or do to make this….GOD I HATE MY LIFE!" Itachi whined.

"What the hell Itachi? You just went to the fucking eye doctor…at least they don't look at you and say 'it's not you Sasori it's just that you aren't as popular as some of the other guys'. Sasori said reminiscing bitterly on his teenage years.

"Oh go to hell Sasori…I need GLASSES….GLASSES! Did you people hear me……GLASSES! I CAN'T WEAR GLASSES…I JUST CAN'T! THEY WILL RUIN ME! You known what I have a fucking head ache, I need aspirin."

"What's so bad about glasses?" Kisame asked. Well, that was the wrong question.

"What's so bad about glasses? WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT GLASSES!? WHAT THE HELL IS NOT BAD ABOUT GLASSES! God…I'm going to look like Lola when she's sitting in front of that laptop of hers. I DON'T' WANT TO BE SMART!" Itachi was getting out of hand.

"Itachi, just calm down. It will be okay, if we just find you some nice designer frames then we can use these fitness club free trial passes and you will look fine, yeah." Deidara tried to reassure him.

"Oh that's just fucking great Deidara….not only to I hear the worst news that someone as hot as me can hear in their life…but then I hear that we FINALLY get some passes to that fitness club that I've been dying to try out…..DAMN IT! Of all times I need to look on Deidara….we're going to Lens Crafters.

"Well, I can't go right now I'm going to….AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!" Itachi grabbed Deidara by the hair and pulled him towards the door.

"Come on you stupid ass! We have to go NOW! I don't want to hear your bitching! It's about me and it's my life that's ruined not yours!" itachi whined. Sasori rolled his eyes as Hidan held the mozzarella cheese for him as he sliced it.

"But why can't I tell Dana about the fitness club first, yeah?" Deidara begged.

"BECAUSE LENS CRAFTERS WILL HAVE YOUR LENSES READY IN ABOUT AN HOUR….IT CAN WAIT STUPID! COME ON!!!!" Itachi yelled. He let go of Deidara's hair and decided he needed to get the last word in before he dragged Deidara out the door. Itachi sighed. "You know….I blame this dumb ass Sharingan…I do….and why, why, why WHY could it have not been my dumbass brother! WHY!? He's not hot…he doesn't care..FUCK YOU DOMINAT INHERITED GENES….FUCK YOU!" itachi slammed the door.