Warning: Contains Finn's thoughts and language, and he is not completely politically correct. Also, some sexually explicit material.

This is another M-rated companion piece to my other story, "I Finally Know Where My Heart Is," Chapters 12-14. If you have not read IFKWMHI, you should still be able to follow this one without being lost (though- would love for you to read both). For some reason, it amuses me to tell the smutty parts from Finn's perspective. This piece occurs roughly 3 months after the Season 3 Finale, while Finn is on leave after basic training and visiting Rachel in NYC.

I own nothing but my own mistakes. For those, as always, I beg humble pardon...

Still Finn Hudson, Still Clueless, Part 1 of 2

Evening in an 8 story walk-up apartment, somewhere in the Lower East Side of New York City:

It was official... I. Was. A. Stupid. Ass. Kill me now. Slumped on Rachel's couch, I couldn't bring myself to open my stinging eyes and look across the room at the disappointment I knew I would see in her dark eyes. Usually, I liked that I could sort of tell what she was feeling by looking in her eyes. Not today. Today, I just didn't want to know.

Earlier that day:

The day had started out so great, too. I got a really scorching goodbye kiss from Rachel when she left me at her apartment door to go to her 9 o'clock dance class. Her hot little body in her tight dance outfit pressed up against me- fantasy material for weeks to come. I'd already started imagining the ways I could get her out of it later.

Best of all, I was meeting her for lunch at some building at NYADA in few hours. She'd printed me a map and everything. Where was that map anyway? Glancing around the small living room, I noticed the water bottle she had been carrying and then had dropped when we started making out at the doorway. I reached under the little table by the door and picked it up. She'd need that after her dance class. I could probably still catch her, since my legs were like twice as long as hers. Stepping into my shoes by the door, I bolted down 8 flights of stairs and out her building to come to a skidding stop on the sidewalk. Which way was NYADA, anyway? Looking around, I saw my fiance about a block away, now covered in a big sweater thing, but that wasn't all! Some dude had his arm draped around her shoulders and was like leaning all over her talking to her, while she laughed up at him. What the hell? My Rachel with some random guy's arm around her. Oh, hello no. I called out to her, but she didn't hear me because she was so into her conversation, and the traffic was sort of loud. Well, I was not going to run after her like some sap.

After they turned a corner and were out of sight, I stomped back into her building thinking over what I had seen. This was Rachel, so there had to be a reasonable explanation. He was probably a good friend or something, and hopefully gay. Okay, Kurt would slam me for thinking that way, but damn- Nobody should be that close to my woman unless they were related or gay or me. I tried to shake it off, as I knocked on the apartment door. Hopefully, the she-devil, Santana, would let me back in, since I didn't have a key or anything.

"Do I look like your doorman, Tiny?" Santana grumbled when she finally opened the door after I'd been knocking for like 10 minutes.

"Either that or give me a key, Santana," my tone dripping sarcasm, as I smiled sweetly. I was in no mood for her shit right now, though we were getting along better these days, which was good since she was Rachel's roommate.

Rachel's roommate... "Hey Santana," thinking how to put what I wanted to ask, "Does Rachel have any close friends in the city besides you and Kurt? I haven't met any during my visit..." I trailed off.

"Oh, you know, several intense, creepy theater types... kind of like her actually." Santana replied, "Why?"

"I just saw her with some guy. I was kind of wondering," Okay this was pathetic. I did not want Santana to get the idea I was jealous of Rachel's friends. She would never let me hear the end of it.

"Hmm...what- worried she's going to dump your ass for Jesse St. James, the Sequel?" she looked at me with disgust.

"Forget it," I went in Rachel's bedroom and closed the door.

I was so anxious to talk to Rach about Mr. Get-Your-Damn-Hands-Off-My-Woman, that I was a full 10 minutes early for my lunch date with her at the Student Commons place at NYADA. I had thought about it all morning while I did my laundry in a laundromat near Rachel's apartment. Sitting in a dinky plastic chair watching my whites spin in the washer, I decided that I just needed to chill. Rachel wouldn't cheat on me, not after what had happened with Puck junior year. Still, it was like an itch that I couldn't reach to scratch, I just couldn't get the image of that jerk with his arm wrapped around Rachel out of my head.

So, I wasn't prepared or happy to see her with the dude again when they walked through the crowd in the Student Commons 5 minutes later. They were at least 20 feet away, and they didn't see me. He leaned over her looking into her eyes and laid his hand on her neck. Burning rage filled me as I started to step forward and slam that son of bitch through the window...Oh, god...They were kissing!

Everything slowed down to half speed. I couldn't move. My world stopped and stuttered for few seconds and the room seemed suddenly empty except for the three of us. He drew away from her and looked at her. She didn't slap him or anything. She just looked back at him and said something I couldn't hear, not that I could hear anything with the weird whooshing sound in my ears. Suddenly time came rushing forward again, and he reached to squeeze her hand and turned to walk off. I honestly felt like I was in an Aliens movie, and one of the little alien babies had just ripped out of my chest and taken my heart with it.

I felt something wet hit my cheek. Was I crying in the middle of all these people after watching my girlfriend make out with some asshole? How pathetic and stupid was I to think that a girl like Rachel could be happy with just me? Not really thinking of anything except getting the hell away from the burning pain that had settled in my chest, I turned and ran out of the building. I didn't stop running for 8 blocks. By some miracle, I had run in the direction of Rachel's apartment building, because I recognized the laundromat with the sucky plastic chairs, where I'd done my laundry that morning.

I pounded on the apartment door until Santana finally let me in again.

"Damn, Finn, this is getting old..."She stopped when she looked up at my face, stepping back silently. I probably looked like I had been bawling like a little kid, but I couldn't even make myself care that my former enemy saw me this way. Some alien baby had run off with my heart, leaving only pain, hurt, and rage.

Damnit! Rage coursed through me as I stepped over to the couch and kicked it as hard as I could, wishing it was that guy's face. How could I let this happen again? Did I have "sucker" stamped across my forehead or something? Why did girls always cheat on me? First Quinn, then Rachel and now Rachel again. Well, never again. I was going to see to that. Think Hudson, you need to get out of here. Your flight back to Georgia is tomorrow at 11 am. I could just wander around until then or go to the airport. People slept in airports, right?

Just then I was distracted by my phone beeping. Glancing at it, I noticed a text from Kurt. Kurt! I could go to my step-brother's. His apartment was somewhere in the Village. We were supposed to hang out today anyway, since he didn't have any afternoon classes at the fashion design school he attended. I quickly texted him that I would meet him at his apartment in half an hour.

I packed my duffel bag as fast as I could, moving around the apartment collecting my stuff, trying really hard to clear my mind of everything. I did a lousy job of it, until it came to the note I planned to leave for Rachel. The words wouldn't come, but then I just decided to tell her what I saw and how I felt about it. Grabbing a piece of paper from the printer in her room, I wrote:

Rachel,

I saw you this morning outside your building, and again in the student place, where I was supposed to meet you, with some guy. Kissing some guy. How could you not tell me there was someone else? I think it's best if I remove myself from your life now.

Finn

Handing the note to a worried looking Santana, I was out the door before she could say anything. I looked up Kurt's address in my phone and was there in 20 minutes.

He buzzed me in, and met me at his door, but his cheerful smile faded immediately when he took in my face, "Finn, what is wrong? You look like Blaine when he found out Oprah was retiring."

I walked in his apartment, dropped my duffel and did something I thought I'd never do. I leaned into my brother and just broke down. I tried to tell him about Rachel and the guy and the kissing in between well... racking sobs. What the hell was wrong with me? Men didn't cry like this!

One of Kurt's roommates came out of a nearby room to stare at me. It was pretty embarrassing. Kurt must of gotten that, because he glared at his roommate snapping, "Brandon, go watch 'The Biggest Loser,' if you want to see men cry!" He pulled me into what I assumed was his room and gently pushed me into a chair by his bed.

"Finn, I'm getting you a cup of camomile tea and then I'm going to call Ms Berry and get to the bottom of this. No one cheats on my brother - twice! As Mercedes would say, 'Hell to the NO!'"

The tea was pretty good actually, kind of sweet and flowery, like Rachel's perfume. Oh, God...Pain. I squeezed my eyes shut. I needed to forget- at least for a little while. Maybe if I slept, but who was I kidding? How would I sleep like this? Alcohol always made me sleepy, and I certainly couldn't feel much worse, so a hangover wouldn't be a problem.

"Kurt," he jumped when I spoke after so long, "You got any alcohol?"

"That is such an epically bad idea, Finn," Kurt tsk'ed, "You somehow managed to get drunk from 2 beers at Puck's graduation party. It took Sam, Puck, Mike, Blaine, and me to get you home that night. Remember how upset Rachel was. She kept trying to help us, but just managed to get under foot."

"Fine, I'll go get some myself," I responded stubbornly, the mention of Rachel shoving the knife the little alien baby must have left in my chest a little deeper.

"How?- I'd like to know." Kurt glared at me.

"I'll go give the first street person I meet my last fifty bucks for his bottle."

Kurt's eyes flared with alarm, "Well, we might have some Remy Martin left from our Oscar Wilde party a couple of weeks ago..." at my clueless expression, Kurt explained, "It's French cognac. If you're going on a bender, might as well be the good stuff."

"I just want a glass, so I can sleep, and forget for a while. Can I crash here tonight? And if you do call Rachel, tell her I don't want to see her or talk to her," finishing with more conviction than I felt.

Kurt's eyes widen briefly at this, but then he said, "I'll get you a cognac."

Kurt returned with this huge glass he called a sniffer or something of brownish alcohol. He was on his phone. I heard him say something about what Rachel knew about men being able to go through the eye of a needle, and that I was ruining his bedspread by sobbing all over it. I glared at Kurt. Not sobbing now, my eyes were just watering a little... and, I was only sort of leaning over his bed from the chair with my head in my hands. I don't think I'd cried on his damn designer bedding. Whatever.

Kurt held the phone away from his mouth and covered the mouthpiece, "Finn, Rachel really needs to talk to you. She says it's all a big misunderstanding."

I grabbed the snifter thing from Kurt's hand and downed the whole thing in one go. It made me cough and burned like fire all the way down to my stomach. It kind of blended in with all the other pain I was feeling. I adamantly shook my head no. "Not happening. Tell her to find some other chump."

Kurt finished his call to Rachel. I couldn't hear it all, because he was talking low, and I was starting to feel the alcohol. Last I remember, I slumped down in the chair.

I woke sometime later, to Kurt shaking me, "Finn! Finn! Stop yelling. You're making Brandon hysterical." I looked at him blearily, "You must have been dreaming. You kept yelling for Rachel."

Seems I couldn't even escape her in my sleep. I'd been dreaming of Rachel running to a train and leaping on laughing. She just looked back at me as I ran to catch up to her, but I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried.

"Kurt," I was surprised at how raspy and slurred my voice was when I spoke, "I need to go to Rachel's apartment. Now. Will you help me?"

The cab ride across Manhattan was a whirling ride of nausea and agony. I think I puked out the cab window at one point. I threw Kurt my wallet saying, "Give the guy a good tip, will you."

I looked at the annoyed eyes reflected in the cab's rear view mirror, "Man, I'm so sorry." Though I really didn't care much at this point.

Somehow, we made it up all the steps to Rachel's apartment, and Santana opened the door and let me in for the third time that day, "Never thought I'd be glad to see the..." Pausing to look at me. " …drunk off his ass idiota!" She then called for Rachel. I wobbled a little where I stood with Kurt trying to hold me up.

Rachel's bedroom door opened suddenly. There she was, my beautiful little bird. After a wicked fight junior year, she had told me that I made her so happy, and she wanted to hold on to me so tightly, that she was crushing me in her hands like a little bird. It had been a very touching speech where she basically told me she was alright with me doing my thing, playing football and stuff. Something poetic like opening her hands and letting me fly free. Now, I tried to get the basic idea to come out of my mouth, which wasn't cooperating.

"Ra-shh," I slurred, leaning toward her, "You're my little bird. I'm not going to squashhh... you in my hands. I'm going to open them up and let you fly free." There I'd said it. I had garbled it, but she would understand. When I looked at her, I just wasn't so mad anymore. I loved her so much. I loved her enough to let her go, so she would be happy, even though, I was pretty sure it would kill me.

I guess I stood there kind of stupidly for a while before Kurt shoved me onto Santana and Rachel's couch. I fell back with a thud, as he and Santana took off, leaving me to face Rachel- alone.

This is where my story began:

I. Was. A. Stupid. Ass. Kill me now, etc. Peeking under my eyelashes, I could see that Rachel sat in a small chair across from me, not saying a word, just waiting, and looking at me with that stare she had that could wear a hole in a person. Maybe I could fake passing out, and buy some time.

No! Time to man-the-fuck-up and face the worst, Hudson. I opened my eyes completely and looked around the slightly tippy room to focus on Rachel. She said my name... there she was...so beautiful and so... sad... looking back at me. What was I thinking? I couldn't let her go without a fight. Screw the free the little bird crap, she was my little bird, damn it! I had to at least try to get her to remember that she loved me.

"Ra-shh, I lied. I-I can't set you free. Be-cause of what you said to me that night when we made love in the rain. I am yours, and you are mine. Ras-shel, I belong to you, and you belong to me. Not-not to some guy you kissed that wasn't me. We belong to each other."

Silence. Deafening silence, after that. Oh, crap. This was bad. My already churning stomach, clenched. She was going to tell me to go to hell. Closing my eyes again, I cursed my fuzzy brain- if I could just think of what to do...

I could tell when she got up and walked to her kitchen, and I heard water running behind me. I felt the slight shift of the couch when she came and sat next to me. She put a glass in my hand, and took my other hand to put what felt like pills in my palm, saying, "Here- take these aspirin and drink this whole glass of water, and then maybe another."

I did as instructed meekly. Anything for her to talk to me, touch me.

"Finn,"she touched me on my arm, gently, "Do you think you could manage to get in the bathroom for a shower? I really think that would help."

Was she crazy? Move? - When the room was spinning like one of those rides that always made me sick at carnivals, even when I was sober. Well, I guess I could at least give it a try, to make her happy. I slowly stood up and almost just sat back down again.

If I hadn't been concentrating on staying on my feet, I would have laughed when she wrapped her arm around my waist and started helping me to the bathroom. I put my arm behind her shoulders, and as bad as I felt, I could have done that all day. I tried not to lean on her too much, since I was so much bigger. What a brave woman she was, coaxing a guy to walk that had more than a foot on her in height, and a least 70 pounds in weight. I could really hurt her if I fell on her. That thought helped to sober me up some.

We finally got to the bathroom. I felt like I could not go another step, let alone do the stuff it took to take a shower. She handed me a toothbrush. Since my breath could probably make paint peel, I brushed my teeth. It felt good to get the taste of alcohol out of my mouth.

Then she was pulling off my t-shirt, and unbuttoning my jeans. This would have been some kind of hot another time, but I just couldn't summon the energy to be turned on.

Standing in my boxers, feeling all kinds of a loser, the room only gently tilting now, which was an improvement, I said sheepishly, "Rach...The room is like- spinning a little. Can you um...stay with me?- In case I need help."

This was humiliation on a whole new level. I felt like the next time I tried to go to a Mens room, they wouldn't let me in. She agreed to stay with me, her voice all soft and soothing.

As she was pulling down my boxers, (Oh, how I wished I didn't feel like I was wearing my brain like a party hat on the outside of my skull, because this was the best part.) anyway, I needed to say something, anything: "Rach, I'm so sorry you have to do this. Sorry for everything. You must be so pissed at me."

"It hasn't been a very good day for either of us, Finn. We'll talk more about it after your shower. I just want you to know one thing- Adam, the guy you saw, was a huge misunderstanding. I hope you know that."

Her eyes seemed so large and bottomless as she looked up at me, as if willing me to understand. I nodded, and I went on to explain about seeing her kissing ...Adam, the dick finally had a name. How it felt like the alien baby just ripped out my heart and left in beating on the floor in front of me. I didn't say that exactly, but I could tell what I did say kind of grossed her out. "So much worse than it had been with Quinn or even with you and Puck," I finished lamely.

"I think we both have a lot more to lose this time around, Finn. We need to talk about that, but now it's time for a shower," and she held my arm as I stepped into the shower.

I hadn't realized how keyed up I was. The warm water felt really great on the tight muscles of my back. I rolled my shoulders, groaning under the steamy spray.

"How does that feel?" Oh, she must be asking about the shower. Wake up, Hudson!

I said the first thing that came to mind, "Lonely." Well, that was … honest. I looked her in the eye, terrified of what I would see, willing her to forgive my utter dumbassedness.

The girl certainly knew how to make a statement, that was for sure. Next I knew, she climbed into the shower with me- clothes and all! I just stood there in shock for a second. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed herself to me. I put my arms about her in return, and it occurred to me, not for the first time, that I was the luckiest bastard in the world.

Standing with the water washing over us, pressed tightly to each other, it became kind of a mailman moment for me. Her clothes were wet now, and I could feel her breasts, especially her taut nipples pressing into my chest.

Then, as if to torture me further, she started pulling off her wet clothes. Smiling up at me she said, "I might as well get clean, too."

Oh, on all that is holy, Grilled Cheesus! Give me strength! Her thighs, hips, tiny waist, and finally breasts were slowly bared to me in a sexy, watery strip tease. I watched as water ran down her body and felt jealous of the way it moved over the peaks and valleys of her supple skin. My fingers itched to follow its path.

She took a wash cloth in her hand and started soaping it up, while I eyed her warily. It was her soap. I had smelled it on her skin many times before. My head started spinning for reasons having nothing to do with alcohol, as she took the cloth and rubbed over my shoulders, neck and chest.

"Close your eyes," she said softly. I hated to do it (The view was so great!), but I obeyed her command.

After I did, I startled a little when I felt the soapy washcloth on my face. Somehow, probably on tip toe, she reached the top of my head, soaping it up, and scraped her nails over my scalp and all through my very short hair, I leaned over towards her, groaning. I felt her fingers glide over my soapy cheeks to the little dent over my lips. Kissing her fingertips, I tasted soap.

I must have made a face because she chuckled and moved my head under the stream of the shower to rinse it. I reached out blindly and found her face, cupping it in my hands. Drawing her to me until both our heads were in the direct fall of the water, I leaned over and pressed a very wet kiss full on her lips. My hands trailed over her back to her sides and down to her hips, my fingers clenching and unclenching over her soft skin.

Finally, she took a step back, picked up the washcloth again and scrubbed over my stomach and hips. She paused, looking up at me from under her eyelashes before her washcloth covered fingers passed with agonizing slowness over the length of my erection several times. I gasped aloud and shut my eyes. Not yet, we both seemed to be thinking. Not yet, but soon... She moved downward to wash my legs and feet carefully.

I reached down for her hand and pulled her against my chest with some force, murmuring, "Thanks, Rach. I really appreciate you taking care of me, especially when I don't deserve it."

She laid an open mouth kiss on my bare chest over my heart.

I felt so much better than I had before I stepped in the shower, and I told her so. She dropped her gaze to the part of me currently pressing against her stomach. The look smoldering in her eyes made them almost black. I felt another surge of desire. I just had to touch her right then...my turn!

"You need to get clean, too," I said in a low voice, she looked surprised when I took the washcloth from her loose grip and rinsed it, and began soaping it.

Turning her around so her back was to me, I moved her hair aside, placing kisses along her shoulders. I followed a path with the wash cloth along her shoulders, arms, and down her back. Both my hands stole around to her breasts and gently lathered them, my fingers plucking her taut nipples. I could tell by her breathing that she liked it, wanted me to touch her. My soapy hands moved over her stomach to the flare of her hips. I gently tugged her backwards into me, so our bodies were pressed together, as my fingers strayed lower, following the path of the water. So wet. I stifled a groan.

"Oh... Finn..." her quiet, breathy sigh seemed to fill the small space. Not yet...soon...

Straightening my spine, I reached over her for her shampoo and put some in my hand and began washing her hair. I dug my fingers into the long strands, moving along until my fingers were massaging her scalp. A throaty moan escaped her. Who knew washing a girl's hair could be so hot? With the fingers on both hands I could almost span her entire head.

She rinsed the soap from her hair, and reached back to put a glob of conditioner in my hand. "Start at the ends of my hair and go up," she advised. I did as she said, ending up at the top of her head kneading again. She leaned back into me- the lengths of our bodies touching again, the back of her head to my chest. I wrapped my arms around her as we stood in the spray to rinse off. Neither of us seemed to want the shower to end.

Thus ends Part 1. Part 2 will be up later today. Hope you are enjoying it! Reviews are like chocolate to me (a very good thing).