Disclaimer: I don't own anything, especially the Naruto franchise. Though, most obviously, I am rejecting Kishimoto's reality and substituting my own.
Note: This is a revision of the same story I posted a long time ago. Revised/rewritten for fun, practice, and the lulz.
Naruto
The Bastard of Konohagakure
A Man of Many Titles
Konohagakure no Sato is known for many things other than its impressive military power.
There's the culinary wonder known as Yakiniku Q, a favorite restaurant of the Akamichi and Sarutobi clans that connoisseurs from all over the Elemental Countries visit for inspiration and satisfaction.
Also, the legendary Will of Fire Hot Springs, said to cure ailments that no medicine or treatment can remedy. Though, most male vacationers come to get a peek at the vibrant beauties that frequent it for cosmetic reasons.
However, those are merely places.
No, what Konohagakure was most well-known for are the unique personalities that make up the bulk of its populace. One such personality belongs to a blond-haired, whisker-cheeked young man of many titles.
"The One Man Army," for his gluttonous abuse of Kage Bunshin and their astounding durability in battle that make them seem beyond clone existence, or at times feared due to their damage output in retaliation to being hit.
"Konoha's Reversal of Fortune," for his uncanny ability to show up whenever a fellow leaf-nin is in dire straits and needs assistance immediately.
"The Kamikaze Sannin," for his near suicidal use of Fuuton ninjutsu against the spiral-masked aspiring dictator of the Elemental Nations and true leader of criminal organization Akatsuki. That legendary battle awarded him the honor of being dubbed the strongest shinobi of his generation, quite possibly dwarfing the founders of his own Hidden Village in prowess.
"Great Jinchuuriki Sage of the Elemental Nations," which may be long-winded, but true since he now contained all the spirits of the tailed beasts in his heavily modified seal, enabling him to become more in tune with the natural energies required for Sage Mode.
Not all of his acquired monikers were serious, though. One he particularly liked was "Konoha's Reckless Nuke." The stories behind that one were many, and each more humorous than the reality of it. To make a flashback would be entirely pointless, so suspend all disbelief and leave it to the imagination if at all curious.
"Good morning, Village Not-So-Hidden by Tree Leaves!" Naruto shouted merrily from his spot high above the waking community. It was a beautiful spring morning, and also his first day off in months ever since he was promoted to the prestigious rank of Head Ninja by his dear old, big-titted, Hokage Obaa-san.
Currently, the blond-haired young man was dressed in a casual black t-shirt with an orange yin-yang design on the front and Uzumaki spiral on the back, charcoal grey standard ANBU pants, ending with a pair of ANBU steel-toed combat boots meant for harsher conditions. Despite his vacation day, he knew that there was no guarantee he wouldn't be called in at any moment for action. Such was the life of an over-powered existence like himself.
"Life is good," he exclaimed with a stretch as he continued lounging atop the Fourth Hokage's stone head, watching the sun's first rays hit the quiet streets below. Merchants were groggily waking up, moving their stands out to the Market District to earn their daily wages. Housewives were preparing to go outside to exchange gossip and secret recipes for more time-wasting fodder before their usual duties. Drunkards were leaving the twenty-four hour shinobi bars after a long night of drowning their sober thoughts into oblivion using a liberal dose of the devil's nectar. He could see it all.
Yep, the Hokage Monument granted him the best view of everything, especially the hot springs if he had the right equipment for it. How else was he supposed to rival Ero-Sennin's Icha-Icha series material?
Deep azure eyes took a peaceful moment to explore the depth of sky above, peppered with slow moving clouds. If only he could develop a Jikuukan (space-time) ninjutsu to freeze this moment…
"Naru-nii!" Fuck.
"Onii-sama!" My.
"Ero-teme!" Life.
Each feminine voice penetrated the blissful ambience of one Naruto Namikaze-Uzumaki.
Or, as the Konoha populace knew him better as, "The Bastard of Konohagakure."
My Little Sisters Can't Be This Weird!
Naruto glared a hole into Minato Namikaze's immortalized stone face as he walked down the monument's steps with the three young women who interrupted his peaceful sunrise. Yeah, his father had a multitude of monikers as well, other than "The Yellow Flash" and "Fourth Hokage," that is.
"Onii-sama, you promised to train with me today. We were supposed to practice grappling techniques…" a stern voice belonging to his youngest sister, Hanabi Hyuuga, stated as she hugged his right arm between her budding breasts. She wore a red side-tie dress with a low-cut mesh undershirt and hot-short length mesh pants. The outfit was held together at the waist by a bird patterned white cloth that had her village plate stitched into it.
"We will Hana-hime, but let's focus on getting breakfast first, alright?" he asked with a foxy grin that made the petite girl blush and bury her face into his sleeve, nodding her head while doing so. He chuckled and was about to ruffle her dark brown hair when he felt a tug on his left arm.
"Weren't we supposed to tend to father's bonsai garden before he gets back tomorrow, Naru-nii?" a gentle, quiet voice inquired from his left, holding his appendage with two nervous hands. It was Hinata Hyuuga, the sister he was closest in age to. Her attire consisted of a flower patterned, navy blue tank-top trimmed just below the rib-cage, revealing her attractively slim midriff. She also had on khaki shorts with a compact medical supply pack across her right hip.
"I didn't forget about that either, Hina-chan. Right after I'm done helping Hanabi, we'll get straight to it. I'll even make the tea this time!" he verbally comforted the elder Hyuuga sister, who smiled gratefully and quickly grasped his arm into her own plentiful valley.
"Ero-teme…" Oh, yeah. There was another girl here, wasn't there? His oldest sister, Yuugao Uchiha, wasn't one to take being ignored lightly.
She stood there staring at him, violet hair whipping around from some unknown source of wind. She was wearing a strapless purple kunoichi battle dress that cutoff mid-thigh with an orange obi wrapped around her slender waist.
The blonde-haired jinchuuriki regarded the remaining member of his company with a slight wince, as he just noticed she hadn't said a word since their departure.
"Y-yes, Yuu-sama?" He really hoped adding that honorific would sate her bloodlust.
Foot met groin. "Urk!"
"I'll murder her, Onii-sama!" Hanabi poised to strike, but was instead held off by the Uchiha girl's outstretched hand on her head, pushing the young Hyuuga heiress away without any effort.
"Naru-nii, are you alright?" Hinata asked worriedly while trying to undo the belt of his pants so she could tend to his injury, among other things.
"You're supposed to come over to the Uchiha compound today to talk with mother!" Yuugao shouted at him. She kept her sandaled foot against his aching manhood for a second longer before retracting it to bend down and look him in the eyes.
Pain-filled azure met concern-laden crimson, three tomoe spinning in characteristic pinwheel fashion.
"Don't you want to get closer to my family? To me?" her pale-pink lips pouted out, almost quivering.
Why couldn't she just stab him in the back with a kunai instead? Kami…
Trying to stand straighter despite pain any true man would find hard to recover from, Naruto calmed his other two sisters down and settled two calloused hands on Yuugao's smooth shoulders. "No worries! Once I'm done assisting Hanabi in her training and finish working on the Hyuuga bonsai garden with Hinata, I'll get freshened up and head over." His trademark smile accentuated his whisker-cheek lines, making the previously angry kunoichi nod in good spirits.
She took a step forward, close enough that she was only an inch away from his face, her long tresses of violet hair teasing his nose with a moonflower scent. Turning her head, face red in embarrassment as she whispered to Naruto. "Did it really hurt? I just got lost in my emotions. I know you wouldn't forget, but we haven't talked for days and I've…" Her red eyes glazed over, staring at the mouth containing her prize.
Before the confused blond could respond to Yuugao's fast shift in personality, she closed the space between them and met his lips with her own soft pair, hungrily kissing him and trying to taste more of what she had sorely missed for the past couple of days. To her, his saliva was a narcotic. Of course, she always had to force it out of him through surprise tactics, which made it all the more fun for her.
This would have continued too, if it weren't for several palm strikes aimed for her vitals. She back stepped expertly, letting the two younger girls watch as she licked the string of saliva connecting her to their half-brother.
"Looks like I got today's first kiss, Hyuuga. You mad?" The Uchiha heiress grinned victoriously before having to block several more lethal strikes from both enraged Hyuuga sisters.
Naruto just stared at the scene that was becoming commonplace ever since he had returned from the Fourth Shinobi World War two years ago. He was never the one to initiate the overly-affectionate actions of his half-sisters, but neither did he stop them. Truthfully, he grew tired of even trying after a year of telling them it wasn't appropriate. Even so, he loved his sisters dearly. They helped him get through many dark times, and comforted him when he needed them the most. For that, he would ignore their odd behavior and humor them till they grew out of it.
It didn't matter, though. He only had eyes for one woman, a woman capable of filling his heart and stomach to the brim with joy. Dismissing the catfight that was escalating near him, and feeling no desire to get caught in the resulting dust cloud, he started to continue his descent towards his favorite eatery.
Looking back at his father's face on the Hokage Monument, he couldn't help but smile at remembering his dad's most famous Konohagakure nickname, which consequently led to him having three half-sisters from two noble clan families, and being born out of wedlock by Kushina Uzumaki, Minato's sole true love.
Minato Namikaze would forever be the village's "Golden Boy," secretive womanizer responsible for many affairs within the royal clans and infamous impregnator of Makoto Uchiha, Kokoro Hyuuga, and Kushina Uzumaki. However, Fugaku Uchiha and Hiashi Hyuuga were greatly reluctant to confirm such facts, even if their wives did so publicly with nostalgic faces. It really was Konoha's worst kept secret in history.
Was Naruto proud of his fraternizing, powerful, Fourth Hokage biological father? Of course he was! If he ever saw his old man in the afterlife, he'd give him a hug, congratulate him for dying at the hands of a monstrous construct of chakra rather than at the hordes of angry husbands who discovered the man behind the royal clan affairs, and then thank the guy for providing three caring sisters who gave him their undying support.
Yes, Naruto Namikaze-Uzumaki was one proud bastard!
Those Little Bastards!
Naruto looked eagerly at the cloth flap indicating the entrance to Ramen Ichiraku. He was about to move it aside when he heard the sound of several feet running toward him.
"Boss!" three children shouted in greeting with large toothy grins.
The blond-haired young man halted his progression and turned around, acknowledging them with his own wide smile. "Well, if it isn't my favorite little bastards!" Oh, how he loved impressionable twelve-year-olds.
Konohamaru shook his fist angrily at him, stomping a foot in protest. "No way, Boss! You're the little bastard! We're the biggest bastards here!" His exclamation was joined by huffs of agreement from his two teammates, Moegi and Udon.
"Alright, alright. You're the biggest of them all, Team Ebisu." Naruto snickered at how the mere mention of their Jounin leader was enough to make them frown.
"Anyway, are you here to set a new record, Naruto-senpai?" Moegi asked, hoping to have another opportunity to win some money off of her two male teammates.
The scarf-wearing Genin nudged the rosy-cheeked girl in the ribs playfully, grinning lecherously the whole time. "Yeah right, he's here to try and score with Ayame-oneesan again."
The young girl had the decency to blush, thinking about different excerpts she had read in the Icha-Icha series her forgetful father laid around the living room before being beat half to death by her pan-wielding mother.
"H-h-have you done it more than once, Boss?" Udon's fogged glasses cast an eerie glare as he stared attentively at his ninja idol, sniffing up a globule of snot mixed with blood, waiting for an answer.
The blond-haired shinobi looked left, right, and then straight at them. Should he lie? Was it wrong of him to squeeze as much admiration as he could from his little bastards? Ha! Yeah, why the hell not?
"Sixty-nine times. Each time a different position, involving steaming ramen broth, and in almost every area of her father's house. Seventeen times on the counter, eighteen on the old man's recliner, nineteen in the shower, and the rest everywhere else."
Their doe-eyed expressions and tomato red complexions truly made the young jinchuriki feel proud and extremely manly. Who's to say it really was a lie anyway, because he surely did dream about it enough. So, essentially, there was a modicum of truth in there.
"Sixty-nine times, huh?" a smooth, mature feminine voice purred near the stock-still blond's ear. He could already picture the body-hugging, one-piece cobalt blue cheongsam characteristic of Ichiraku's waitress staff. "We must have had some really good times, eh, Naru-koi?"
Naruto felt the cold steel of a sharpened kitchen knife rub near his crotch area. "Please don't slice open my baby batter factory, Aya-koi?" he pleaded pathetically.
"See ya, Boss-teme!" Team Ebisu booked it liked the damn little bastards they were.
They threw him under the bus…
"Cowards! See if I ever call you my little ba-mmph!" The flat of the blade was now patting his very favorite appendage. "Ay-Aya-chan, you really should put that away. It's not healthy!"
"Neither is lying about getting dirty with me to some twelve-year-olds, Naru-chan," Ayame teased by pulling his whiskered-cheek with her free hand. "Is that your way of offering to take me out to shop for clothes, maybe a few necklaces, and, oh, how about some of those exotic spices I've wanted to try?" The knife did not leave its spot.
"Of course! I didn't mean for it to come across crude, but that is totally what I meant!" Naruto confirmed, still eyeing how close the point of the blade was getting to his poor love pump.
"Great!" Ayame retracted her weapon of choice and promptly smashed the traumatized blond into a deep, lust-filled kiss, accompanied by her own moans of pleasure when he probed her mouth with an expert tongue. She loved threatening her godly shinobi boyfriend, and the rewards reaped from doing so.
"Ayame! We have more customers, get in here!" Teuchi's gruff voice called out for his daughter.
The auburn-haired woman pouted as she broke the heated kiss off, enjoying Naruto's taste in her mouth. "Looks like we'll have to wait till later, Naru-koi. Coming in?"
Naruto smirked at his girlfriend's manipulative behavior. "Well, you did just give me an appetizer, might as well stay for the meal."
Ayame laughed at his lame innuendo. "Do that. Then maybe we'll see about reaching that sixty-nine quota mark you set for us." Ticking her fingers off and faking that she was counting, she cocked her head to the side and smiled. "Maybe we can get halfway there depending on how our next date goes." She walked back into the small restaurant, hips swaying seductively.
That minx.
Why Sai?
"Your face has been twitching since you came in, Dickless-san," a young man with jet-black short hair and pale skin commented observantly.
"I'm well aware of that, Sai," Naruto replied as he took a seat as far away as possible from the artist shinobi. It wouldn't be very advantageous for him to start a brawl in Ayame's place of employment, his number one favorite place in the Elemental Nations. Plus, his Gama-chan was already feeling the hurt coming from his impending date with her.
"Maybe if you went to the hospital and requested a penis transplant, the twitching would stop," Sai stated nonchalantly, but with great interest, as if this was the most brilliant conversation piece to ever be had between two perfectly sane people.
A few of the customers near them couldn't help but laugh at the legendary duos' interaction. When Naruto and Sai were together, comedy would ensue. That or a huge sum of destruction.
"Sai, I have a completely functional-," he was about to finish when Sai decided to wisely intervene.
"Is it your lack of balls that worries you, Dickless-senpai?"
Was this guy purposely using different honorifics instead of choosing a better alias for him?
Alright, maybe it was because he was feeling a bit sensitive from Ayame's previous threat to eviscerate his testosterone bags, or perhaps his morning confrontation where little sister's foot met older brother's love spuds, but he needed to say something damnit!
"Look here, I'm perfectly capable of-," the Jinchuuriki Sage was about to defend himself when he was interrupted, again.
"I did notice you looking at our escort's carriage horse quite enviously last mission. Is it possible you were jealous of his sexual equipment?" Sai rubbed his chin thoughtfully. It looked as if he was actually trying to genuinely help his fellow blond-haired leaf-nin, who seemed to be developing a large vein on his forehead.
"Suck my dick, Sai!" Naruto exclaimed in frustration. He really couldn't tell if the socially awkward artist was joking or taking the matter, which there was none, seriously.
"…Gladly."
The restaurant became dead silent. All customers turned their head to stare at the unblinking youths at the bar. Even Ayame and Teuchi stuck their heads out of the small kitchen to see if they heard that right.
Naruto narrowed his eyes at Sai. "I'm not into yaoi, kouhai. I mean, it's alright if you are, but please refer to Sasuke of the Uchiha clan if you're into it. He has itches no woman can reach." He spoke those words with utter conviction.
Sai didn't even blink. "Is this yaoi you speak of a type of rash condition?"
A collective sigh from the restaurant was the only answer the ink-user received.
It was at this moment that the cloth flaps of the restaurant were harshly ripped to the side as three young women entered.
"Naru-nii!"
"Onii-sama!"
"Ero-teme!"
Naruto slammed his head into the bar table, denting it and surprising a few of the customers who didn't expect to hear such a loud impact.
Ayame came out the kitchen to greet the new batch of customers. "Welcome to Ichi-...Oh, it's just you three." She glared at the three sisters who had already glomped HER boyfriend, totally disregarding her presence and asking him endless questions even though he was already face flat against the table.
"I was close to killing Yuugao-tan, Onii-sama. Are you proud of me?" Hanabi asked, pulling his right arm for attention just like before.
"Naru-nii, you shouldn't associate yourself with a girl like Yuugao. She's an Uchiha, a rapist of the heart!" Hinata advised while snaking her hands near his pants zipper.
"Tell them how much you enjoyed my kiss, Ero-teme!" Yuugao requested as she pulled his head back into her bountiful chest.
"Ah, it's Dickless-san's dere sisters."
"Finally, Sai has said something beneficial to me for once. Fucking. Finally," Naruto mentally spoke to himself with a tear in his eye.
The three girls looked to their right where Sai sat pointing at them. His finger directed over at Yuugao, "You're the tsundere," to Hinata, "dandere," and then stopped at Hanabi, "and the yandere. Perfect examples, if I do say so myself."
Sure, the ink-user wasn't too experienced socially or with subjects not pertaining to art and assassination, but he wasn't an A-ranked shinobi for nothing. He adventured with Naruto the Jinchuuriki Sage and Jiraya the Toad Sage, frequenters of hot springs and hostess clubs everywhere. In consequence, he knew what female killing intent felt like and when to avoid it.
And this was such a moment.
"I think I've made a slight mistake in the structure of my words just now. That said, I bid you all good day." Sai calmly put the appropriate bills for his meal next to the register and exited the restaurant, then promptly high-tailed it back to his apartment.
Needless to say, the perturbed "Dere Sisters" soon followed, leaving Naruto alone to finally enjoy his day off.
The whiskered-blond sighed in joy as a steaming bowl of ramen was put in front of him. He then squeaked in horror as a gleaming knife stabbed into the chopsticks he was about to lift to enjoy his meal.
Closing one azure eye, he risked a weak glance up where he could hear a hand patting the super strong metal of a soup ladle. "Yes, Aya-chan?"
Ayame smiled sweetly, disturbing given the aura of dread emanating from her presence. "What's this I hear about you kissing your half-sister?"
Let it be known that Naruto Namikaze-Uzumaki knew when to fight his battles. Like Sai, he wasn't at his current rank for nothing. So, with that in mind, he chose to fight his girlfriend bravely.
By running away without dignity and hoping for the best.
"Sorry, Aya-koi! I do believe there's an old lady out there that needs my help crossing a street! See you on your next safe day!"
Teuchi frowned in the back kitchen area as he heard customers gasp at the sight of his daughter becoming an enraged woman with a personal vendetta fueled by righteous female fury.
"Come back here and take your lumps, Naruto-teme!"
And that was just one of the many personalities running around Konohagakure freely.
Omake (A.K.A. - Totally unnecessary scene with little entertainment value that the Author gets off to.)
Konoha's Reckless Nuke
During the Fourth Shinobi World War, there was a portion of it where many of the countries' soldiers fought an army of plant like men utilizing the abilities of Hashirama Senju, Konoha's First Hokage. These men were simply called "Zetsu."
Now here's a simple fact, Naruto hated bugs, small bugs that had nothing better to do than fly around his face and try to impregnate his pores with their filthy eggs, at least that's how he viewed it. Not to say he didn't mind the Aburame Clan's colony of insects. They usually stayed with their hosts unless told to target someone specifically, and he liked that.
So, during a critical mission to infiltrate a core facility making the multitude of Zetsu clones, he was unexpectedly attacked by a swarm of annoying gnats whose sole purpose was to bother the hell out of him. It got so bad that his tracker squad, comprised of Kiba Inuzuka and Neji Hyuuga, stopped to bemusedly stare at his infuriation that was accompanied by his many pathetic attempts to swat his diminutive enemies to death. Not thinking about letting a pulse of chakra off to burn them in his immediate vicinity, he instead conjured a ball of pure wind energy with both hands. Energy that continued growing till it rivaled an Akimichi's size.
Kiba and Neji anxiously ran in two different directions to avoid the oncoming destruction.
Naruto let out a primal roar and released the ultra-huge sphere of pure wind chakra out towards the azure sky, piercing the thick canopy of foliage above him and seeing it arc at one point without any sign of weakening. At that time, all he could say was, "Whoops."
Absurdly enough, the over-powered wind rasengan amplified in strength during its descent and took out a significant portion of the Zetsu army, decimating the base of operations for Akatsuki which harbored the clone producing mechanism. It really proved to him that there were such things as good mistakes, and he even started liking bugs a little more! Because, seriously, those pesky winged whores helped him develop his "Nuke Rasengan" technique; a ninjutsu that was now categorized as forbidden and totally banned from use due to the joint agreement of the Great Shinobi War Council that it was over-powered and totally a bitc-*ahem*-reckless move, given its area of effect.
Fucking ban-hammers…
~End~
Author's Note: That, comrades, is why I don't write much and stick to reading instead. If I try, it turns into a gobbly-gook of disorganized ideas splayed onto canvas only to be sold at a cheap art store bargaining the piece for a mere $5 and a possible rebate upon delivery.
Yeah, I'll stick to FanFic hunting, thank you.
Anyways, hope you enjoyed my one-shot slop and endured it with a good amount of cynicism. And as always, comrades, have nice day!
General Dere (Lovestruck) Reference:
Tsundere - Hates you, will be violent towards you but generally grows to love you. (Examples include Aisaka Taiga from Toradora.)
Kuudere- Silent, adorable and grows to love you. (Examples include Tachibana Kanade from Angel Beats.)
Yandere- Batshit crazy, loves you and will kill you. (Examples include Gasai Yuno from Mirai Nikki.)
Dandere - Shy, low confidence and loves you. (Examples include…do I really have to provide one? Hinata's standing right there.)
Extra Character Information:
Name: Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze
Rank: Head Ninja
Age: 16
Name: Hanabi Hyuuga
Rank: Chuunin
Age: 15
Measurements: 77cm / 53cm / 80cm
Outfit Reference: Mai Shiranui (Fatal Fury/King of Fighters)
Name: Hinata Hyuuga
Rank: Chuunin
Age: 16
Measurements: 94cm / 61cm / 91cm
Outfit Reference: Yuffie Kisaragi (FF7 Advent Children Version)
Name: Yuugao Uchiha
Rank: Tokubetsu Jounin
Age: 16
Measurements: 89cm / 56cm / 84cm
Outfit Reference: Ayane (Dead or Alive 2)
Name: Ayame Ichiraku
Rank: Ex-Chuunin
Age: 18
Measurements: 86cm / 55cm / 86cm
Outfit Reference: Waitress at my nearby overly-expensive Chinese restaurant. Always leave a good tip.