-0-0-
"You're awfully quiet." Jay said, glancing at Alex from the corner of his eye as he pulled up in front of her apartment building.
"What do you want me to say?" she snapped back, her attention still on the tented window and the scenery beyond it.
Jay sighed as he twisted the key in the ignition, shutting the car down. After a moment's hesitation he turned in his seat so he was facing her, "This isn't our fault, Lex. The freak was unhinged."
For the first time since they'd left school she turned to look at him, "And we pushed him over the edge. How is this not our fault, Jay? We dumped paint and feathers on the psycho, we spent the last few weeks torturing the freak."
"And we weren't alone." Jay replied defensively.
Alex simply shook her head, "Maybe not but we were the ones that took it too far, like always."
Jay turned away from Alex as her chocolate eyes began to mist over. He'd only seen her cry on rare occasions and he refused to watch her cry over Rick Murray.
"If you ask me, we did the world a favor." he started. "One less abusive asshole around to ruin lives."
"Are you kidding me?" Alex asked, her voice laced with anger. She shook her head in disbelief as she unfastened her seat belt. "Do you even have a heart? A kid's dead and another one's been shot in the back. Jesus, Jay, where's your compassion?"
Jay clenched his jaw against the fire flashing through him, "My compassion lies in the fact that you and I are still alive. I'm sorry Jimmy took a bullet but how the hell was I suppose to know that was going to happen? I'm not a damn mind reader, Alex. And this whole crusade wasn't my bright idea. You're the one that decided to team up with Cause Girl and Malibu Barbie on the whole ribbon campaign, you're the one that dragged me into this."
Alex swallowed the lump in her throat, "Screw you, Jay."
"Alex…" Jay started but it was too late. She'd already climbed out of the car and was in the process of slamming the door shut on him.
Jay twisted the key in the ignition bringing the car back to life and with a squeal of the tires he headed away from the apartments. A few twists and turns latter landed Jay in the middle of the Ravine.
He grabbed a beer from an open cooler then stood a safe distance away form the circle of lawn chairs. He tried his hardest to tune out all conversations that were revolving around the shooting but that was all anyone seemed to be talking about.
"I knew that guy was a freak." someone said.
"Did you hear about Cameron?" someone else asked.
"Man, I never thought anything like that would ever happen around here."
Jay rolled his eyes. Like here was any different than anywhere else. He took a long drink of the beer, ignoring the burn as it made its way down his throat and nestled on top of the guilt that was forming in his stomach.
He took another long drink, trying to get rid of all the what ifs floating around his head. What if he hadn't let Alex pull him into the ribbon campaign? What if he hadn't gone after Rick at The Dot? What if he hadn't seen Rick kiss that grade niner? What if for once he'd minded his own damn business? What if he hadn't grown up in an abusive household, would he still have been so invested in getting rid of Rick?
There were a million questions that would never be answered because Rick was dead, because you couldn't go back and undo the things you wanted to, because life was just that ****ty. Jay made his way to one of the picnic tables that wasn't littered with empty bottles and cans. He lay out on the top of it starring up at the blue sky that was darkened by the tint of his Oakley's.
"You're a ****ing screw up, son," his father's voice invaded his head. "You're nobody, you'll always be nobody."
Jay closed his eyes at the memory, his father's fist flying into the side of his face for what, a broken glass, or music playing too loudly, a C on his multiplication homework.
"Where is your compassion?" Alex had asked. The truth was without compassion people rarely disappointed you, hell you rarely disappointed yourself. He'd learned that lesson a long time ago in the basement of a Montreal two-story, the first time his father had raised a hand to him and his sister.
"Hey, loser," a familiar voice broke in. Jay pushed up on his elbows to see Amy standing in front of him, a perfectly plucked eyebrow arched, arms crossed across her chest.
"Oh, it's you," Jay replied, rolling his eyes even though she couldn't see them through his dark shades.
Amy cracked a smile as she moved closer, stepping in between Jay's legs that were hanging over the edge of the table. "So, where's Alex?" she asked.
Jay shrugged, "I dropped her off at home."
"She hasn't been around much," Amy continued as Jay pushed himself the rest of the way up into a sitting position. "Her new friends have been taking up an awful lot of her time lately."
Jay nodded sliding his sunglasses up on top of his hat, "Yeah, she's been…busy."
"Well if she's ever busy and you get bored or whatever you could always call me," she offered, uncrossing her arms and setting a hand on Jay's thigh.
Jay looked down at where Amy's hand had landed before ****ing an eyebrow in her direction. Was she serious?
"No strings, just…good times," she continued.
She was serious. He thought about if for a minute then with a chuckle replied, "I'll keep that in mind."
"Good," she smirked.
"Hey Amy," someone called from the other side of the Ravine, drawing both of their attentions away from the innuendo.
Amy tilted her head in acknowledgement before turning back to Jay. "I've got to go but I'm sure I'll see you around," She offered before walking off across the can cluttered grass.
Jay shook his head in disbelief. He knew she was easy, any guy at the Ravine could tell you that but he never thought she'd throw herself at him. She was Alex's best friend, he was Alex's boyfriend. It was a line you just didn't cross.
-0-0-
"What did you spend it on?!?" Her mother's voice yelled as the apartment door swung open and banged against the wall, "Those tramps at the strip club?"
"It doesn't matter. The money's gone and as soon as I grab some clothes so am I," Chad yelled back, taking his turn with the door by slamming it shut.
Alex rolled her eyes, turning up the volume on the nightly news. She'd spent over an hour trying to find something, anything else to watch but every channel was broadcasting the tragedy she felt responsible for.
"We needed that money to pay the bills," her mother continued to rant before turning to Alex and shouting, "Would you turn that damn thing down??"
Alex turned the television off and tossed the remote to the other side of the couch. "I'm so glad you're okay, Lexie. I was worried sick when I heard about the shooting," Alex muttered sarcastically as she made her way back the hallway and into her bedroom.
The yelling continued, drifting up the hall and through the closed bedroom door, slowly driving Alex insane. Air whipped around her drawing her attention to the open bedroom window, to the fire escape lying just outside it. She grabbed an old sweatshirt off the edge of her bed before climbing out the window and winding her way down the metal stairs, ignoring the way it groaned in protest with her added weight.
Once on the ground Alex slipped the faded sweatshirt over her head shivering in the added warmth. She shoved her hands deep in the pocket as she made her way to the deserted street. Everyone was nestled inside their warm houses, tucking their children safely in bed, hovering around the television with tears in their eyes, thanking God it wasn't there child that had been wounded. Normal families had rushed home just to make sure their children were safe, normal families were gathered around the dinner table with home cooked meals and stories of how their days went.
A loneliness crept over Alex as her feet automatically led her in a very familiar direction but she was too lost in thought to notice. It wasn't until she was standing on the doorstep, hand poised to knock that she recognized the little white house, with it's peeling paint, and broken shutters. It had been the only place that had felt like home since the family inside had moved in.
"Hold on I'm coming." a voice called out after Alex had forced her self to knock. A few seconds later the door swung open leaving her face to face with Jay. Without a word he stepped back offering her safety, security, entrance.
She only hesitated a second before walking into the darkened living room. The only light came from the glow of the television as she waited for the door to shut. She turned around facing Jay, neither of them were any good with apologies, giving or receiving, so the words went unspoken.
"Have a seat," Jay offered motioning to the empty couch where he'd obviously been sprawled out before she'd arrived. A pillow rested against the arm, a blanket balled up in one corner, a million memories of being curled up on that same couch came rushing back to her as she made her way towards it.
"What are you watching?" she asked cautiously as she crumpled onto the worn out old sofa.
Jay shrugged, not moving from his spot by the door, "The news is pretty much the only thing on so I popped in one of Spinner's lame ass clown DVD's. I swear the boy's a step away from retarded."
Alex offered up a weak smile and a small chuckle as she turned her attention to the paused screen. She couldn't exactly remember when or why Jay and Spinner had started hanging out. She figured it had something to do with her extra shifts at the theater and added responsibilities of student council.
"Have you talked to him?" she asked, looking back across the room at Jay.
He shook his head no, "You hungry, thirsty?"
"I'll take a pop. Whatever you have," Alex replied.
He disappeared into the kitchen only to return a moment later with two cans of soda and a large bowl of popcorn. He sat the bowl down on the stained coffee table and handed Alex one of the cans.
"You okay?" he asked, showing a rare hint of concern as he sat down beside her on the couch.
The cushions sank with his weight, causing Alex to dip towards him slightly as she nodded. "I am now," she added swallowing the sip of pop she'd taken.
Jay offered her a crooked smile as he sat his untouched can down replacing it with the remote. He un-paused the television screen before draping an arm around Alex's shoulders and pulling her a little closer. Alex rolled her eyes at the familiar move leaning her head over onto Jay's shoulder, her attention on the lame movie playing out in front of them.