Disclaimer: I do not own Call of Duty.
100 Parodies
Chapter 1:
A Campaign Mission. I guess.
Aman in a ghillie suit entered the briefing room. There, he found every single man he'd ever known inside it, dead. Soap, Ghost, Roach, Yuri, some other Russian nobody cares about, and a bunch of unnamed NPCs.
The man shook the hood of the ghillie suit off to reveal a boonie hat that somehow fit under it, and a mustache covering his face.
In the chair at the end of the table was a man in a suit with a Five Seven pistol in his hand. The pistol was gold-plated, with a silencer that was also gold on it. Underneath it was a grenade launcher, with a flashlight under that. It was also welded to an upside-down one, with the same attachments, except the top one had a tactical knife attached to it that had a rope on it.
"Price. Bitchtits, how have you been?" the man asked, placing the weapon down on the table and leaning forward in the chair. Price could now see the L118A, I mean L96A1, strapped to his back. On it was an aimbot scope that cost your soul and another five dollars. It had a new camo on it, a black background with seventy-five differently styled nyan cats on it, all of them holding a different gun already used in CoD.
"Fuck you," Price replied, shrugging off the ghillie suit and walking forward. He paused to hump Soap's body for a few minutes, and then again to smoke a cigar over Makarov's body, and then again to beat his meat to Ghost's body.
"We need you back Price. We ran out of storyline ideas after CoD 41: The Return of the Black Man named Charles Who Fucks Over All the Russians. The plot was stale, and the players didn't like the addition of kittens as enemies, so we replaced them with orphans. That held them for a while, and then after CoD 56, they threatened to fuck my son in the ass if we didn't bring back you. I refused and then did what they said they would, and then mailed me his dick in the mail.
"After CoD 58, my own mother threatened to kill my brother after I didn't bring you back in the game. She mailed me his nipples. Now I'm getting threats against myself, and I need you back, Price," the man ended, and stood. He reached for the gun and pushed it across the table to Price, who picked it up and licked it.
"Now, you can come back, or you can kill me," the man offered, spreading his arms wide and inviting Price to shoot him in the chest, right where his heart was, or should be.
"You killed my team. My friends. My lovers," Price choked out, looking at the man who had caused him so much pain. He looked down the sight that was somehow on the gun and sighted the man's head in it, his hand twitching at the trigger. He tried to pull, but it wouldn't budge.
"Of, that's right, safety," Price released the safety and fired at the man. He was stunned when he got a FUCKING HITMARKER, I MEAN, DAMN, WHAT THE FUCK WITH THE HITMARKERS?
Sorry there, but Price got a hitmarker and the man, using Fast Hands from CoDBO(NER): II pulled out the sniper and queekscoped the Captain, getting no hitmarkers whatsoever and earning his Lightning Strike killstreak that he called in over Libya like a good bastard should.