Jen's feelings about leaving Jethro.

Disclaimer: Don't own it blah blah blah !

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I wake alone, in an empty bed, in an empty room, in an empty room, with what seems to me like an empty life. I know it's my fault. I left him. I left the only man I've ever loved, and now I have to pay the price. I left him, and now I have to pay the consequences, my life is empty without him. The price of leaving him was sso much more than I ever thought it to be. Its cost me, my happiness, my love, my soulmate, and now I'm being punished.

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

My punishment is that I have to wake alone every morning. Before I realise what I'm doing I reach out for him in the bed, feeling nothing but a cold, empty space where he should be. The realisation that I left him, hits me every morning like a bullet to my heart. But now, Im dying, and all I want is him. I want him to be here for me, to tell me that its not true, and it was all a nightmare, and that he forgives me. I wish he still loved me. Truth is, I don't think he does.

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

When I look in the mirror in the morning, and see myself. I see the reason why he isn't here with me. I wish that when I looked in the mirror that he would come up behind me and wrap his arms around me, just like it used to be. Then I realise he's gone.

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I know it's my fault he is gone. But I know that if I tell him I love him, it'll mean I have to tell him I'm dying, and if he feels the same way I do, then I would feel worse because I would leave him again. I don't think that would be fair on him. He has lost so much; his wife, his daughter, me. Truth be told, he never really lost me because he still holds the key to my heart.


I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

A heart now protected by walls that I built to protect me from the pain of losing him. Walls that crumble when I see him, and makes it hard to keep myself together when I see his smile, when I look into his eyes, and when I hear his voice.

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I don't know how to tell him. I don't know whether he would listen. I don't know whether he would care. Would he cry at my graveside? Would he say he loved me at my funeral? Would he even care? Or would he join me?

I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything you said
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

So, I sit in my study and I write a letter to the man I loved, and lost. I hope he will understand why I left him, but also know I never forgave myself for losing him.

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