Nicol Bolas vs Interplanar Revenue and Customs

Submit your M25 form within two working weeks

A/N: So, I've been a MTG fan for many years and was thinking today about the one thing that could stop Magic's Big Bad. Some ideas were more legit than others, but when this one hit me I just had to share it…

As the sun lowered on yet another glorious day, Amonket's Second Sun gazed proudly over the fruits of his labour. Within only a few short weeks he had turned the previously desolated landscape into what was effectively a factory for his eternals. All he had to do now was oversee the mass production of his army then progress his plan to the next stage.

"You know…" Bolas thought, a wide smile cracking across his face, "sometimes I forget the boundlessness of my intellect."

Taking a well-deserved seat on a throne crafted from a destroyed pyramid, the only thing on the Elder Dragon's mind was whether to use his sheepskin bed or his whale carcass to sleep on that night.

"Hello is this Nicole?"

Bolas almost jumped off his throne. "WHO DARES SPEAK TO ME IN SUCH A…"

"Nicole? Is this Nicole speaking right now?"

Flying off the broken pyramid with great haste, the God Pharaoh scanned the area for any signs of a challenger. He wasn't worried about being hurt; not many creatures alive were capable of that, but he was curious as to who would have to gall to be so disrespectful.

"Mrs Bolas you will have to speak up, I cannot hear you."

The dragon blinked. "Mrs?"

"Ahh yes I can hear you now Mrs Bolas. How are you today?"

"I…am doing well…How are you?" With his sight failing him, Bolas turned to magic. Sending pulse after pulse throughout the planet, the only sign of foreign magic detected was a very weak mental connection coming from…

"I am good thank, you. Mrs Bolas, I am calling you today from the Interplanar Revenue and Customs. Do you know the reason for this call?"

"…Interplanar Revenue and…what?"

"Interplanar Revenue and Customs." The voice clarified. "We…apologies, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Jared, but you may call me Jared for short. Would you prefer me to call you Mrs Bolas or Nicole?"

At this point Bolas was beyond speechless. Throughout millennia of conflict and scheming he had always had some inkling as to what was going on with events around him. Armies from the north; planeswalkers from the south; dragons from the skies. Anything and everything had an order and a vulnerability. Except for Jared. "I…I have…"

"Mrs Bolas I am afraid I do not have all day." The voice told him with enough irritation to snap the dragon out of his stupor. "Now…the reason for this call is…"

"Lord Bolas."

"I'm sorry?"

"That's Lord Bolas to you, meagre conjurer." The dragon snarled. "I suppose you think yourself with this little trick?"

Jared coughed. "Apologies, you seem to have lost me." There was a noise that sounded like paper being rearranged. "Are you referring to your activities on Tarkir?"

Bolas' eyes widened. "How would…Ugin." His face darkened. "That withered snake. I suppose he somehow put you up to this?"

"Yes, Mr Ugin mentioned your activities in Tarkir during his call."

"Perhaps I can bend this underling to my advantage…" Bolas took his turn at clearing his throat. "Indeed, it was a well fought battle, but as always I emerged the victor. Now tell me Jared, what do you desire?"

There was another brief pause consisting of more shuffling papers before the voice spoke again. "We…have no record of a 'battle' as you call it but we shall note it down. No Mrs Bolas, we are here today to talk to you about your travel expenses."

The Elder Dragon blinked. "Travel expenses?"

"As the department of Interplanar Revenue and Customs is relatively new within the planes we accept that there have been problems with our audits, which is the reason for my calling you today. I assume you did not get your invoice in the post?"

"…Invoice in the post?"

"Yes, we sent the invoice two weeks ago to your home in…Grixis. Now, as I was saying…"

"Grixis?!" The Forever Serpent snorted. "I haven't ventured there in decades! And what address would even be there; the plane is dead!"

"Now Mrs Bolas, I understand that nobody likes a call from…"

"Lord Bolas!" Bolas roared, infuriated by the man's apparent lack of competence. "You will refer to me by my proper title or I shall annihilate you."

The voice fell silent for an instant. "…Your first name is Nicole, correct?"

"NICOL! I AM THE GLORIOUS NICOL BOLAS! RAVAGER OF WORLDS, CONQUEROR OF PLANES AND…"

"Is that spelled without an 'e' then?"

For the first time in centuries, the dragon threw his face into his claw. "I WILL…yes, yes there is no 'e' at the end."

There was a brief scribbling of notes. "Apologies, I will amend that for next time. Now, LORD Bolas," the dragon did not care for the patronising tone used to speak his title, "do you know the rate of Zinos per planar jump?"

"Finally, a clue!" "I…am afraid I do not know the currency of Ravnica well." Bolas lied, his previously tense shoulders relaxing slightly. "Would I be able to come to your office, so you may detail it in person?"

"I'm afraid I am not able to give you our address, though even if I were able to it would do you no good." Jared explained. "As you planeswalked to and from Tarkir, the excursion would have to be paid at their office with their exchange rate."

"Tarkir?!" The dragon scoffed. "The only currency they have is blood! Most of the planet is overrun by inferior snakes and worms with their miserable wings!"

"Now sir," the voice said sternly, "We do not tolerate planar discrimination. Should you use such offensive language again I will be forced to take further action."

At this point Bolas' mouth literally fell open in awe. "F-Further action?! Further action?! I am the God Pharaoh! I have slaughtered realms and bathed in their blood! My minions are so numerous they outnumber the stars in any sky! What further actions could…"

"Minions? Lord Bolas, are you suggesting that you own a private business? Because if so I would need to ask you about your pension-…GAHHHHHH!"

Bolas had had enough chatter. In an unusual display of frustration, the dragon lashed out with a wave of blue energy that apparently was enough to damage the voice's commander on the other end. "With no corporeal form here, the imbecile must have been projecting his thoughts. Though it is unheard of for such a fool to have enough mastery to send messages across planes. Perhaps another force is at work…"

"Mrs Bolas?" A female voice suddenly called out. "Are you there?"

The God Pharaoh gawked at the origin of the sound. "WHO WOULD DARE TO…?!"

"Hello Mrs Bolas, I hope you are well. My name is Denise, but you may refer to me as Jared. Now, I am calling you on behalf of my…"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO…" The dragon spewed fire from his mouth, so enraged that he could not even articulate his feelings. Far below on the floor of Amonkhet, the squad leaders of his eternals hurried to get their troops out of the wrath of their master.

"…as he has fallen suddenly ill. Now, I must inform you to complete your M25 and submit it to the Tarkir office within two working weeks."

Bolas was gasping in air to try and calm himself down. "Now look here Jar-…but your name is Denise?! WHY ARE YOU CALLED…never mind. I…I have none of those forms."

Somehow, he could feel her disapproval. "Since you have obviously misplaced them, I shall remind you that in the letter we sent it mentioned a scribe that can re-print these forms."

"IF I HAVE LOST THE FORMS THEN HOW WOULD I BE ABLE TO…WHY AM I HUMOURING THIS?! BE GONE INSECT!" He unleased a far greater wave of energy this time, which not only silenced the voice but also removed the tops off a few of the surrounding mountains. "Never before in my existence have I experienced such…"

"Mrs Bolas are you there?"

There were no words to describe the cocktail of confusion and rage that was Nicol Bolas at that moment. "I…yes, I am."

"Hello Mrs Bolas, this is Charlotte calling from Interplanar Revenue and Customs, though you may call me Jared. I am here to continue…"

For the first time in his entire existence, the Second Sun felt like a fire elemental. As the new voice droned on about travel taxes, all he could think of was that whoever was responsible for this harassment would die the most excruciating death in recorded history. Of all planes.

"…so, a failure to submit this form would result in a fixed term penalty notice, then failure to pay that would result in further action. Do you understand?"

"Oh, indeed I understand Jared. I understand fine and well. Tell me, would you prefer for me to incinerate your children or would you like to eat them yourself?"

Jared cleared her throat. "I do not appreciate that tone Mrs Bolas, please do not use it again. Now, it says here that you mentioned that you are a small business owner, correct?"

The dragon's magic aura became so dense that his throne began to buckle under the pressure. "I…that is one way of putting it."

"And have you filled out the small business documentation as listed in your letters?"

The throne shattered, but strangely all Bolas felt was calm. "I have not."

"I see…" The shuffling of papers was heard throughout the land. "Well if you require help with that procedure, please feel free to come by our Tarkir branch at any time. We are located…"

"Oh there is no need to tell me," Bolas cracked his bones and allowed his magic to pulsate from him, "I will find you."

"Excellent!" Jared on the other side seemed pleased. "I'm happy that you are so motivated! When should we expect you?"

"Sooner than you think." Bolas cackled before shooting a final burst of energy to silence her. "SOONER THAN YOU ALL WOULD THINK! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

The manic laughter echoed throughout the desolate plane for a mere three seconds before it was interrupted a final time. "Hello Mrs Bolas, this is…"

"Hello again Jared!" Bolas yelled. "Not to worry my dear, I'll be right over to speak to you!"

And thus began the greatest battle of Nicol Bolas' career.

A/N: I'll be updating this as more ideas come to me, but tell me what you think. Its been a while since I've written something so any feedback would be appreciated. Hope you all enjoyed!