Here is the (not very) revised and updated version of RATDOTL. I hope that you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Especially since it could very well be the last thing I ever write of its sort. From now on, I have a feeling I'll be sticking to little humor fics, and leave the writing to the good writers. So if you don't like this, probably the only big thing I ever write, then I guess I'm shit outta luck. Anyway, enjoy!
Rage Against the Dying of the Light/Everybody Needs Somebody
Book One
Awakenings/Stand by Me
When the night has come and the land is dark, And the moon is the only light we'll see No I won't be afraid. No I won't be afraid, Just as long as you stand, Stand by me.
Ben E. King
"Stand By Me"
Mama!
Mama was here! Mama was with her!
Asuka was transported by joy, a joy unlike any she had ever felt in her life. Her mama was here protecting her, watching over her, and nothing could touch her! Her battle with the Nine was like a dream, and she spilled blood and rent flesh in a haze of euphoria. These insignificant weaklings could never stop her, not when she was with her mama!
Then something changed.
She heard the whistle of air being torn behind her, and she turned without thinking and spread her A.T. Field. The flying weapon stopped in midair, quivering. She heard Maya screaming something, but her mind was preoccupied with keeping her A.T. Field alive. The weapon stopped quivering for a second, then its metal skin began to ripple and flow, fusing together and changing until it formed into a shape she found all too familiar. "The Lance of Longinus?" she muttered, confused. Then she felt her A.T. Field tearing and giving way. She focused all her strength into the field, the rest of the Nine ignored for the moment. She pushed more and more of herself into the A.T. Field, but she was losing. Finally, with a horrible ripping sound, her A.T. field tore apart, and before she could even scream, the Lance of Longinus flew through the destroyed A.T. Field and directly into her Eva's left eye. Her world halved, and she screamed as the vision in her left eye was replaced with red, and pain beyond her worst nightmares tore into her brain. Her Eva shut down. She tugged futilely at her controls again and again with one hand as she held her other to her ruined eye, willing her Mama to come back, willing her Mama to save her. She looked up just as the first of the Nine slammed into her, pushing her deeper into the ground. Then the eight others landed all around her and she had just enough time to wonder how all nine could have possibly come back before they began to tear her apart. The pain in her eye faded to nothing as she could feel her organs being torn out and eaten. Her hands flew to the stomach she was convinced no longer existed and she screamed in agony, again and again. She felt the weight leave her suddenly, and she looked up. Her left eye flared in agony at the bright sun burning into it, but she could still see the shadows of the Nine flying above her through the haze of pain and light. She raised her right hand in defiance, reaching out towards the monsters that should have been dead. It reached higher, higher, and she knew that in a moment she would reach those hated Nine and tear them apart. She would kill them all. "Kill you. Kill you all. Kill you," she gasped out as her hand rose higher, eclipsing the heavens. Then her arm split in two. She stared dumbly at the two flaps of what had once been her arm for a second before the pain shot into her already overloaded brain. She did not have time to scream before the first was joined by a second, and a third, and then the world blacked out around her. As she faded into the darkness, she cried for her mother.
Asuka Langely Sorhyu woke up screaming, her arms racing along her body, expecting to find ruined flesh and mutilated organs. She found nothing but unblemished skin, and slowly her screams faded into sobs. Her body shook with grief and horror.
A hand went around her shoulders. She nearly screamed again, and probably would have had her throat not been too sore to emit sound. She looked up to see Shinji sitting beside her. He turned to her and smiled. Her throat finally allowed her to make words.
"Go…away. Just leave me alone, godammit. I don't need your pity." She wanted her voice to be furious, to be strong, but it came out as little more than a harsh, pathetic whisper.
The arm only clenched tighter.
"No you don't, Asuka. But you do need sympathy. Whatever you're going through, I can help you."
She shoved his arm away.
"What could a stupid baka like you know about anything?"
Shinji sighed and began to get up.
"You're right Asuka. I'm just a stupid baka, so I guess I'll just be leaving." His voice dripped with sarcasm.
How could I be stupid enough to think she would want my help? he thought to himself angrily.
She prepared to make an insulting comment about running away when the remnants of her nightmare struck her like a whirlwind. She suddenly realized she didn't want to be alone. Not tonight.
"No…" she whispered
"What did you say, Asuka? Another insult?"
"Don't leave…"
Shinji's eyes opened wide. She could see everything in them, surprise, disbelief, mistrust, compassion. He had never been able to hide his eyes as well as she had.
"Please…I'm scared…"
Shinji said the last thing in the world she had ever thought, ever imagined he would.
"No."
She looked over at him, startled beyond words.
"That would be taking advantage of you. You just woke up from a nightmare, and you aren't thinking straight, not to mention what happened during Third Impact. Normally you would kill me for even thinking like that. I will not take advantage of you…"
As he said that, he realized how horribly callous it sounded. But he had no choice. His mind screamed obscenities, calling him a coward for leaving a defenseless girl all alone to stave off her nightmares. He shoved away his internal arguments and walked slowly to the other side of the camp they had built, stepping cautiously around the dying embers of their campfire, rolled into his sleeping bag, and turned away. She stared after him, then got up slowly and walked over. He had not heard her coming, and he nearly jumped out of his sleeping bag as she opened it up and slid in next to him. He turned to her, his eyes unbelieving, but she had already turned away, and he could hear her soft breathing indicating the rapid onset of sleep. I need to leave…can't take advantage of her…like…this… he thought, but her warmth against his chest put him to sleep in seconds.
If someone had chanced upon their meeting place and seen them wrapped up together in a sleeping bag, their warmth stopping what nightmares would come, he would almost have believed the world was not dead.
In an endless unchanging sea of LCL, there was movement. The amber liquid rippled and twisted, as if blown by a strong wind. Then, slowly, five forms rose from the LCL, liquid given form and substance. The liquid took shape and formed five old men, their faces contorted with hate. They hung inches above the lake of red in a mockery of gravity.
"We have failed."
"Ikari has betrayed us."
"We should have killed him when we had the chance."
Then one of them spoke, his voice powerful and commanding.
"Have you all forgotten our failsafe, our last resort? We suspected that Ikari might betray us, and we planned accordingly."
"Ah, yes. The…S2 Engine modification."
"They are only two children. We will use our trump card, and with their death, Instrumentality will be completed. If they are allowed to live, our world could unravel about us. We have worked much too hard to lose now."
"Yes, but Kihl, why did you only modify one of our Evangelions? Shouldn't we have outfitted them all, just in case of emergency?"
Kihl shook his head slowly.
"It would have been unnecessary, the difficulties in maintaining more than one of the Nine would be a worthless risk, and the cost would have been…astronomical."
As one, the five old men nodded.
"Let the Instrumentality of Man be complete."
And the council dissolved back into the LCL.
In the vast ocean of LCL a monster hung, crucified. It was massive and white, a savage mockery of the human form. Its arms were spread and nailed to a gigantic cross, and the blood from the wounds ran down its dangling legs and into the sea. Its blasphemous form lay still as death. Then, slowly, one arm moved. It tore free of the nail that pinned it in a gout of blood. Unflinchingly, it reached across and tore the nail from its other hand. It fell forward into the LCL with a monstrous splash.
Hours passed, then, slowly, a head rose from the Sea of LCL and looked towards land. It raised the ruins of its hands to the light and flexed. There was a sound like the tearing of cloth and a second later the wounds closed. Bringing its attention to the task at hand, it scanned the horizon for signs of life. In the distance, it could barely see the smoke rising from the dying embers of the Children's fire. It smiled, a ghastly sight, and then it began to swim.
In life, there is mystery. What allows us to survive? What saves us when death has tightened its icy grip around our heart? There are some who believe in psychic powers, in abilities beyond our comprehension. Some believe that our lives are not our own to control, that we are die being cast by a higher power. Then, there are some who believe that what gets us through life is luck, plain and simple.
Whether it was luck, providence, or something more, something awakened Shinji Ikari in the early hours of dawn and saved his life. He came awake suddenly, his heart pounding in his chest. He could have sworn he had heard something outside their camp, something huge and horrible that was reaching for him. A nightmare, he consoled himself, just a nightmare. But he could not get back to sleep, even with Asuka's warm and gentle weight against his chest. He crawled out of his sleeping bag and looked around, shivering from the early morning chill. How he longed to crawl back into the sleeping bag and just sleep…
In the woods outside their camp, something fell over with a crash.
A choked scream escaped Shinji's lips, and he whirled around, fully expecting to see some horrible otherworldly beast reaching through the night towards him.
Another crash, closer this time.
Without thinking Shinji ran over to the sleeping bag where Asuka lay and began to shake her awake. His terror was complete, his heart slamming against his chest so hard that he felt he was going to faint. Asuka woke up slowly, her voice bleary from lack of sleep.
"Wha…What the hell are you doing baka! I'm trying to slee…trying…to…"
Her voice faltered as she saw the look of primal terror on Shinji's face.
"Shinji? Shinji, what's wrong?"
"We have to get out Asuka!" he nearly screamed. "We have to get out now! It's coming! It's coming! God in Heaven it's coming and when it gets here it will kill us both!"
Asuka's terror was matched only by her confusion.
"But Shinji, what's coming? Nobody's left. Or haven't you noticed?"
Her words did not carry their usual bite, diluted by their shared terror. Shinji did not answer, but began frantically packing what few things they possessed. She was about to restate her question when she heard a sound that chilled her to the bone. A low guttural roar echoed throughout the forest. It was close. Very close. Asuka stood frozen in terror, staring at the woods where that horrible roar had came from. She remembered it. But from where? Terror is not a conductive state to clear thinking, and the answer would not come. She was still paused in indecision when Shinji grabbed her by the arm and yanked her out of the clearing.
Seconds later, the white thing that was once an Evangelion tore into the clearing, ripping aside trees to reach its quarry. The clearing was empty. It roared in fury, and proceeded to tear apart the remains of the Children's campsite. In the middle of its rampage, it noticed a path of torn branches leading out of the clearing. It smiled again, but there was no mirth in it. It promised death and blood and horrors the likes of which this fragile earth had never seen. It followed the trail.
Shinji and Asuka ran, branches slapping against their faces hard enough to draw blood, but they never noticed. Behind them, they could hear the roars of the horror that chased them. Trees crashed behind them, each one closer. They burst into a clearing, nearly blinded by the sudden light. Their faces brightened in hope. Across from them was the remains of an apartment complex, and through the rubble they could see stairs leading down into the basement. The ran harder, galvanized by new hope. They were barely six feet away when the thing that was once an Evangelion burst into the clearing. They turned, slack jawed in horror as the white monstrosity lumbered towards them with deadly and horrific intent. Asuka spoke first, her voice trembling in horror.
"One of the Eva Series…"
Shinji grabbed her unmoving form and ran, nearly dragging Asuka along. He could hear her whispering something, but he was paying too much attention to the destroyed building ahead of him to catch what she was saying. He ran through the rubble as the Eva thing roared again and lunged like a cat. At the same instant, Shinji dove straight at the stairs leading into the basement. His right arm flared in sudden agony as a metal rebar tore into it, then he was tumbling into darkness, inches away from the horrific claws of the Eva Series. He turned his body to protect Asuka as he slammed hard into the ground, and he heard something crack. He was turned so that he looked straight up into the horrible face of the Eva Series. Its face was split by a smile that chilled Shinji's soul and froze him into place as the monstrosity reached into the stairwell towards them. Death reached for him, and he froze like a deer in headlights.
Asuka saved him. "MAMA!" she screamed, and jolted Shinji out of the fatal hypnosis he was under. He slid backwards as the clawed hand slammed into the ground in front of him. His back fetched up hard against a door, and he turned, ripped it open, and ducked inside before the questing hand could reach him. He slammed the door seconds before something huge smashed into it. The door cracked, and Shinji realized immediately that it would never hold the Eva for more than a few seconds. He stumbled to his feet, pulling Asuka up with him. He tried to walk, but stumbled, weak from loss of blood. With the monster out of sight, Asuka was recovering from her shock, and without thinking she put an arm around his shoulder and helped him across the room and towards another door. They reached it just as a white fist slammed through and into the room. She screamed and yanked the door open. She slammed it shut behind her and pulled Shinji deeper into the room. She looked around and saw they were in the boiler room. There was no exit other than the door they had just come through. She listened for a moment, but nothing pounded against the door. That must mean that the Eva thing could not reach far enough to hit the door. She sighed and sat down against the wall, pulling Shinji down with her.
"Well, I think were safe in here. But anyway-Hey! Don't put your arm around me like that! Hentai!"
Shinji was helpless to protest as she yanked her arm away from him. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and immediately noticed that the arm she had been using to hold Shinji was soaking wet. She held it up to the light, and gasped as she saw that it was covered in blood.
"Shinji?" she asked.
Shinji turned towards her and tried to smile. It was futile, and his face merely contorted into a grotesque parody of happiness.
"It's…okay Asuka. Just a scratch."
She stared at him.
"Now is not the time to act so damn superior! It's more than a scratch and you know it! Let me see it!" She tried to summon up her old anger, but it failed her, leaving her feeling weak and helpless.
She grabbed him by the waist and pulled him across her lap. She was horrified by the depth of the wound. The rebar had torn a goodly chunk of flesh out of his right arm, and she could see his blood pulsing. While it was not wide, it still seemed incredibly deep. She thought she might be able to see a bone down there. She stared at it in morbid fascination until she looked up and saw that he was blushing.
"Hey! Don't get any ideas you hentai! We need to stop the bleeding or you'll die! And while I say good riddance, I still owe you one from saving me back there." Once again, her anger dried up, and she just ended up sounding childish. She winced inwardly at her weakness.
She ripped his shirt off, trying to ignore the blush on his face.
"God, you are such a baka hentai! I need your shirt to make a tourniquet. And I'm sure as hell not using mine so don't even think about it!"
She began to wrap his white shirt around his arm above his wound. She cinched it tight, then pulled back to check her handiwork. She smiled, and surprised herself by realizing she had actually been worried for a moment there, almost scared.
"There! Now we're even!"
Shinji looked at her, then at her tourniquet.
"Where…Where did you learn how to do that?"
She shrugged.
"College. Anyway, how are we gonna get out of here? That…thing is still outside. And you need actual medical supplies."
Shinji began to reply, when he was interrupted by another voice.
"Come out, Asuka-chan…It's you mother."
Asuka stared in shock at the closed door. The voice had come from behind it, from the room outside. And it did sound like her mother.
"Mama?"
The voice replied.
"Yes, my dear Asuka-chan. It's been so long since I've seen you. I'd love to see how you've grown. And is the Third-that nice Shinji boy with you?"
Without thinking, Asuka ran towards the door.
"Mama! You came back Mama!"
Shinji's hand whipped out and grabbed her ankle. She turned and slapped him.
"What the hell are you doing?" she hissed.
"Saving your life. What makes you think that your mom could possibly be out there? What about the Eva?"
She stopped for a moment. The Eva? The voice seemed to realize instantly that it's hold was broken. It's changed to a hiss of fury.
"Come out Children, or I will come in! I will rend your flesh and break your bones if you don't come out!"
They did not answer, so it answered for them. A gigantic hand slammed against the door and it tore off its hinges and slammed against the opposite wall. A huge white fist followed after it a second later. The fist uncurled and began searching the room for the children. It found the boiler instead. Without thinking, the monster squeezed, and the boiler crumpled, bending inwards like a tin can. A gigantic shard of metal bent outwards and tore straight through the palm of the Eva's hand. The monster outside screamed and pulled its hand back, spurting blood in fountains. Shinji and Asuka saw their chance, and they ran for the door the hand had just vacated, Asuka nearly carrying Shinji along. As they ran out of the room, they could see the Eva outside screaming and writhing in pain. There was no time to look though, no time to do anything but run. Any second now the monster would recover itself and find them. They scanned the room, praying for another exit, for anything to save them. As luck would have it, there was an open elevator shaft directly across the room. They ran, Asuka pulling Shinji, until they reached the shaft. They could see the beginnings of daylight pouring in, and they immediately began to climb the crumbling walls. It was difficult and dangerous, but Lady Luck seemed to be on their side that day. Neither fell to an almost certain death on the jagged rubble below, and they finally clambered out of the shaft and into the gradually brightening day. They looked around and realized that they were on the other side of a decaying wall from the Eva, and they planned to keep it that way. They ran into the forest, roars of pain and hatred following them.
The Evangelion had been intended as the perfect killing machine, engineered for the sole purpose of destruction, even given a sort of mind of it's own. But there was one thing the creators had never planned on. There was a darkness about the Evangelion now, a dark and twisted insanity that pervaded his very being. The Eva Series 01 had gone insane along with all his brothers during Complementation. He had been reactivated, and given a goal, but his mind was in pieces. All it knew was an imperative, a need to kill. It had thought the Children easy prey, but somehow, some way, they had managed the impossible. They had hurt it. It knew deep in its heart that the children had been toying with it by running away. It had simulated the voice of Kyoko Zeppelin Sorhyu from the data files it had been compiled at SEELE, and it had thought to use that to trick them into coming outside. But they had tricked him. They had set some horrible trap and he had fallen into it. Its hand still burned with pain from the shard of metal that it knew was set by the Children to hurt it.
Children, it thought. I will tear you limb from limb, Children, and I will bathe in your blood. I will feast on your corpses, Children. But first, oh girl that tricked me, I will rape you. I will invade your body and tear it apart. I will kill you in ways you pathetic humans could never imagine in a billion years. I know you can hear me, Children. As I have God himself on my side, you ally with Lucifer. I know what powers he has given to you, Children. But they are no match for me. Beware Children, for I come.
It laughed madly, a horrible sound that echoed in the halls of the dead. It laughed, its head filled with thoughts that would have driven any mortal completely insane. But it was more than mortal, and it was already completely and utterly insane.
Asuka and Shinji finally stopped running when they reached the ruins of Tokyo-3. They needed shelter, and more importantly, they needed somewhere to hide. Though the town was little more than a wasteland now, they found what they were looking for rather quickly. It was an apartment rather like the one they had lived in prior to Third Impact. Due to its strategic position on the side of a hill, it had survived the recent apocalypse in Tokyo-3. The apartment they selected was rather similar to the one they had lived in with Misato, and they settled in quickly, choosing rooms in relatively the same place as their previous ones. They spent the first night shivering in terror, expecting every moment to herald the arrival of the monstrosity that had chased them. The next day was marginally better. Shinji found some bandages and antibiotics in a nearby apartment, and bandaged himself as well as he could, feeling it unwise to ask Asuka for assistance. As night fell over the dead ruins of Tokyo-3, their second night in their new home, Shinji sat at a window and looked over at the crater that was the last resting place of Rei Ayanami. At least the second, he thought bitterly. He knew what Rei had been, and it hurt him in more ways than he knew were possible. What his Father had done…was blasphemy. But despite what she was, he missed Rei, missed her a lot. He was still deep in mediation over the First when two hands fell across his eyes. His screamed and fell forward.
"What the hell are you doing, Asuka! Don't scare me like that!"
"Oh, but you looked so funny!" Asuka said, and laughed.
Shinji Ikari was pissed off. He got up and began to walk past her. He was surprised when she grabbed his arm and turned him around. He was approximately a thousand times more surprised when she kissed him on the mouth. He stared at her, shocked, looking for the evidence on her face of some joke on her part. She was still smiling.
"That was for saving me back there," she said softly. Then abruptly, her gaze hardened, "But don't get any ideas, you hentai!" She stalked away, leaving a startled Shinji Ikari staring after her.
Shinji ran his finger over his lips.
"Kaji was right…I will never understand women."
The next days passed in silent tension. Asuka and Shinji paced around the apartment they had picked out for themselves, constantly searching for the horror they knew was looking for them. Shinji spent his time in almost constant thought. He thought about Third Impact, Rei, his father, his mother, anything that came to mind. But not the kiss. He didn't want to think about that. Likewise with the Eva. He tried valiantly to keep all thought of the white monstrosity out of his mind, but it was an utter failure. Asuka spent most of the time in her room, sleeping. Shinji was bemused and more than a little surprised at how much one person could sleep. Even Misato had not slept this much, and she had slept quite a lot after one of her drunken binges. But thinking about Misato hurt, and he pushed her violently from his mind every time she surfaced. When they ate, they did so in silence. When they talked, it was reserved and uncomfortable. They waited.
It was on their sixth night of self-enforced imprisonment that Shinji woke up to the sound of screaming. Asuka, he thought dejectedly. He walked across the hallway and stood at her door for a moment, frozen in indecision. Then, breaking it, he opened her door and saw her thrashing back and forth across her futon.
"MAMA!" she screamed. "Come back Mama! It hurts, Mama! I love you Mama so please don't leave me! Don't leave me!"
Shinji's heart broke at the sight of the normally strong girl acting so fragile. He walked over and kneeled down beside her.
"Asuka" he called softly, "Wake up, Asuka. You're…"
His voice faltered as the moon caught her face and held it gently in its light. Her beauty was almost unearthly now, ethereal beyond all pretense of humanity. He stared at her face, lost in it. Then her eyes snapped open. For a moment, he marveled at how it made her even more beautiful, and then he realized the implications of her eyes being open. Namely, she was awake.
Oh shit, he thought, a second before she screamed and shoved him away. They ended up tumbling across the floor until Shinji finally managed, after many a slap, to escape. He ran for the door, not nearly fast enough. She tackled him from behind, and they slid into the kitchen. If Asuka had not been busy screaming at him, she would have heard the gasp of pain he gave. She turned him around and slapped him again and again, until his face burned.
"You bastard!" she screamed. "You were trying to rape me! I never should have kissed you!"
"N-no Asuka! You were having nightmares again and I was just trying to comfort you!"
"What! By creeping up on me and staring at me in my sleep? You were just being a pervert!"
She hit him again. Shinji decided to just give up and stopped trying to escape. He rolled with the slaps as best he could, and tried not to cry out in pain.
"Why aren't you fighting back, hentai?"
"Can I say anything that will make you stop hitting me?"
"No!" she said, and hit him again. This time, he could not hold back the pain, and he cried out. She stopped instantly, her face contorting in shock.
"Shinji?" she said, unbelievingly, "Oh…oh…Gott…"
She lowered her head in shame, and her hair fell forward, spilling onto Shinji's chest like a waterfall. She lowered her head farther, farther, until it was touching Shinji's chest. Form beneath her auburn flow of hair, she choked out words.
"I'm…so…sorry…"
She began to cry, and for a moment Shinji did nothing, so overcome with shock was he. Then, tentatively, he reached a hand forward and stroked her hair. It was a pathetic gesture, but it was all he could think of to do. It seemed to work, though. Her choked sobs began to die down, to fade into whimpers. He continued to caress her hair, marveling at the silky feel of it. The whimpers ceased, and his hand stopped. He waited there, afraid to move or make a sound. After an indeterminable amount of time, he heard her slow breathing and realized she had fallen asleep.
What the hell? he wondered. She…She fell asleep? Lying on my chest? How tired could she possibly be? He lay there on the cold linoleum for a moment, his mind in an uproar. After a moment, he decided to make the best of it. He fell asleep himself, with his last thoughts thinking about how painful tomorrow was going to be.
It dreamed.
The thing that was once an Evangelion dreamed of desecration and blasphemies, of deaths beyond count and of oceans of blood. It dreamed of what it would do to the Children once it finally caught up to them. It knew that it would catch the Children soon, the Children that had hurt it so much. It did not remember all the hurt they had caused him, but he knew it must have happened. It knew the Children had pinned it to a giant cross and driven nails through its hands. It knew the Children had driven a shard of metal through its right hand. Every time it had hurt in life, the Children had been there, laughing at its pain and misery. But it would catch them, though they would try to stop it, to hurt it again. They were smart, yes, but it fought with the power of God himself on its side, with divine retribution. It would not fail.
It dreamed.
Shinji woke up slowly, his eyes blinking in the harsh morning light. Something was odd. His recently awakened mind tried valiantly to determine what the oddity was. It took him several minutes to finally place it. Something was lying on his chest. More appropriately, someone. Even more appropriately, Asuka. His eyes widened in shock as the implications struck him. She would tear him apart when she woke up. Never mind that she had been the one that had fallen asleep on top of him, she would still kill him. He was in deep shit, and was sinking rapidly. He thought for a moment about the merits of his own life, and decided he wanted to live at least a little bit longer. He tried to slide out from under her, slowly. Her eyes snapped open. He froze in shock as she grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him back underneath her.
"Stay there…" she whispered sleepily. "The floor's cold."
Shinji decided not to argue the pluses and minuses of waking up and simply tried to go back to sleep. Outside, there was a loud thump.
Sounds almost like an Eva walking, he thought sleepily. It hit him with the force of an N^2 bomb. His eyes jerked open and he jerked up, temporarily forgetting that Asuka was lying on his chest. He whirled before she could even get out a protest and ran into the next room, where he knew there was a window. He had to see if what he suspected was true. It was. There was a flash of white outside the window, and the face of his nightmares came into view. He ducked back around the corner, praying that the monstrosity had missed him. It seemed luck was with him, as after a couple moments, he could hear the sound of receding footsteps. He chanced a look out the window and saw Eva Series 01's receding back circumventing the giant crater in the center of Tokyo-3. He breathed a sigh of relief and headed back into the kitchen. He never saw the slap coming.
"OW! What the hell was that for?"
"What were you doing just dumping me on the floor like that and running off?" she responded angrily. She knew, but oh God she didn't want to believe it. In her terror, she had hit him harder than she had intended, and she felt a moment of repentance so strong it was almost painful.
"The Eva." He said simply, and was only slightly surprised at the look of abject horror on Asuka's face.
"Don't worry, Asuka. It's gone," he said reassuringly. The look of horror never left her face. She stared at him, her eyes unfocused. Her lips attempted in vain to form words. Suddenly she crumpled to the floor. He started in shock, then bent down to help her. She was unconscious. He lifted her up in his arms and carried her over to her room and her bed. He set her in the futon and pulled the covers to her chin. For a minute he just looked at her.
She is so beautiful, he thought. I don't deserve to be around her.
He left the room without looking back.
They were running low on food, he noticed with dismay bordering on fear. He would have to get some more. He would have to go outside, where that monster was, and try to find a store that still had some food. Nearly paralyzed with fear, he walked out of their apartment and down the stairs to the lobby. He opened the lobby doors marginally and peeked outside. The white Eva was nowhere to be seen. He breathed a silent sigh of relief and stepped outside. Hours of wandering later, he found what he was looking for, a small department store nestled between several larger buildings which had been destroyed almost completely. He guessed that the larger buildings had sheltered the smaller one during the JSSDF attack. He stepped inside, and began to search the dusty aisles for canned goods and anything that hadn't spoiled. He had reached the ramen section when the foot slammed through the ceiling of the store. He screamed, and immediately realized his mistake. Instead of continuing on, the foot had stopped. A fist punched through the ceiling immediately above him, and he dove behind the counter just as the massive head of the Eva came into view. Its horrible black eyes scanned the store, searching for the source of the scream. Upon finding nothing, the head pulled back, as did the foot. He heard the sound of footsteps getting quieter and quieter in the distance, and breathed a shaky sigh of relief. In a daze, he finished his shopping and walked out of the store cautiously, looking left and right for any signs of the Eva. Nothing. He walked out, never even thinking about looking up. With packages in hand, he ran home. But not alone.
Night had fallen by the time he got home. He wondered if Asuka had woken up yet. He walked over to her room and opened the door quietly. She was still asleep, and he could see her chest rising and falling under the covers of the futon. He walked over, knelt down. He looked at her, lost in thought. He stayed that way for a long time.
He was getting up to leave when her hand grabbed his arm.
"Don't," she said pleadingly, her voice choked with emotion.
He smiled reassuringly at her, still trying to get over his shock. What the hell is wrong with her? he thought. She was supposed to be the strong one here. But she seemed frightened and fragile, like a little girl lost in the dark, and his heart went out to her. He crawled into the futon next to her. They stared at each other across eternity. Then with a suddenness that was shocking she broke down crying and collapsed sideways into his arms.
"Mama!" she cried into his shoulder. "They killed Mama! Just after she came back, they killed her!"
He stiffened in shock. Mama? Who had killed her mother? He had heard Misato mention something in passing about Asuka's mother dying after an Eva accident, very much like his. But how… His thoughts were interrupted as she clutched him tighter, crying into his shoulder. He tried feebly to put his arms around her and give her some small bit of comfort. It worked, and she calmed down slightly, her sobs quieting. He held her tighter, suddenly struck with a horrible certainty.
She would hate him after this. She would hate him for seeing her cry, for seeing her be weak. It ate into him, twisting like a knife into his gut. He didn't want her to hate him. Not her. As her crying finally turned to quiet snores, he prayed to whatever God there was that she would not hate him. As he joined her in sleep, a final, sickening thought twisted its way into his mind.
Why shouldn't she hate you? You deserve it after what you've done…
He knew with a horrible certainty that what the voice said was truth.
He woke up hours later with her face pressed up against his chest. He smiled softly, happily. His smile quickly turned into a grimace of self-disgust as he remembered what his voice had said.
"She hates me…" he said softly. "And she should…"
"I don't hate you, Shinji," she replied softly, startling him.
"But you should," he said, his surprise deepening into fury. "You should choke me to death like I…tried to do to…you. Instead you are…are kind to me. What is this anyway, Asuka? Sleeping in the same bed, kissing me like that? Why? Are you playing with me, or…or what?"
Asuka did not reply. In truth, she could not. She stared into his deep blue eyes, and in their silent strength found some of her own. "During Third Impact," she whispered , "I saw what you had…had gone through. What you were going through. And it was almost all because of me. After that, I couldn't hate you. Not…not like I did before."
Shinji stared, then it was his turn to break down sobbing in her arms.
"But you should, Asuka! You should! I'm a monster!"
"You saved my life, too," she continued," Several times when that thing was coming for us, you saved me. You aren't a monster. But that…thing is. Do you want to compare yourself to that?"
He found that he did not. He shook his head slowly. She bent close to his ear and whispered.
"I said that I couldn't hate you, Shinji. Even if you deserve it. Because…I believe the feelings I had at that time were true."
Moments later, she slept, her cheek pressed against his, her arms around him. Shinji, however, did not get to sleep for a long, long time.
Asuka woke up in the middle of the night trying to bite back a scream. She had had the most horrible nightmare, a feverish vision of some horror reaching for her through her dreams, reaching for her to rend and to kill. She looked over at Shinji sleeping across from her and her face immediately softened. She smiled gently, a smile not unlike that of her late mother. She had not lied to him. Third Impact had changed her in ways she would never fully comprehend, and she knew the old Asuka was dead and buried. For better or worse? She did not know, and in some dark and shadowed recess of her mind, never wanted to. She hoped it was for the better. Pushing him gently away, she got up, and headed towards the bathroom. Halfway down the hall she heard a noise behind her. She turned, her blood freezing in her veins. Staring through the window at the other end of the hall was a horrible black eye, filled with hate and dark, dark insanity.
To be continued…
Anticipation killing you? Didn't think so. Oh, and yes, I realize I stole the name Rage Against the Dying of the Light from another fanfic, and I apologize. But I felt that it summed up my story as well as it did his. Sorry again. I will have book two up as soon as I reasonably can. It will be named Nevermore/Dreaming in Digital. Oh and there's a surprise coming up that will probably make you hate me for a long, long time. I don't know exactly how many installments I will have altogether, probably about three or four. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this first installment.
Now, I don't do omake, at least not in the traditional sense. Instead I do what I call "Essays on Evangelion." Simply put, I give my thoughts on various aspects of Neon Genesis Evangelion. In other words, poorly written crap forcing my opinion on you. Today essay is for the most part, concerned with the movie End of Evangelion. I hope that you will enjoy this, and maybe, just maybe, you may just see something you never even knew was there. I kinda doubt it though.
An Essay on Evangelion
Part One
A man named Peter S. Beagle once said this of J.R.R. Tolkien, writer of The Lord of the Rings:
"For in the end it is Middle-earth and its dwellers that we love, not Tolkien's considerable gifts in showing it to us. I said once before that the world he charts was there long before him, and I still believe it. He is a great enough magician to tap our most common nightmares, daydreams, and twilight fancies, but he never invented them either: he found them a place to live, a green alternative to every day's madness here in a poisoned world. We are raised to honor all the wrong explorers and discoverers-thieves planting flags, murderers carrying crosses. Let us at last praise the colonizers of dreams."
His words are as true for the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion as they are for the world of Middle-earth. Hideaki Anno found this world, he found Shinji, Asuka, and Misato, and he told their tale as best he could. But there are some that doubt his skills as a magician, or worse, misinterpret them. I pity those who smile as they praise the destruction of a world. I pity those who analyze each segment and piece of Neon Genesis Evangelion, looking for hidden symbols and deeper meanings, and in their quest for knowledge, forget humanity, and believe in a world as bleak as our own. Most of all, I pity the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion, for it has had to bear the brunt of hatred and stupidity evidenced by all those who could never see. Their case is particularly evidenced in the movie, The End of Evangelion. The movie is as disturbing as it is beautiful, and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between the two. But in a world ending, there is hope. There is hope in the Ending of Evangelion, and though some doubt it, and even worse, dispute it vehemently, it is there. The world is dead, but that does not mean it cannot be reborn.
My Pre-readers are:
The ShellBack
Dante Abbey (Ascension of the Lamb, Blasphemy)
(They were the only people I could trick into reading my story more than once.)
Send comments, criticisms, and essay ideas to