Author's note: This is mainly a Twilight parody with bits of Alice in Wonderland. I'm pretty sure you'll find it OCC, which is kind of the point. Parody. P-A-R-O-D-Y. I have to admit I wrote the first half of this with an attempt to make fun of Twilight and with no traces of Alice in Wonderland what so ever. However, I changed some stuff up and now it's a crossover.
No, it's no longer here to make fun of Twilight, I got over that a while ago. I know the current fad is anti-twi'ism since all of the twiterds mysteriously died, but I find it very immature.
Total respect for both Stephanie Meyer and Lewis Carol. Speaking of which... I do not own Twilight or Alice in Wonderland... If I did, these characters wouldn't be so darn OOC. :)
Uncle Popsicle drove me to the airport mumbling about birds. He has an obsession with birds; that's why he lives in Phoenix, a town named after a mythical bird that laid its own egg from its on dead body's burnt ashes things or whatever. I rolled my eyes at him and dug my nails into the leather, scratching it just enough to make him go nuts later.
For those of you nosy ones, my name is IsaBellyache Goose, but I just go by Belly. Uncle popsicle is making me move to Spoons, Washington, the rainiest place on earth, to live with his friend, some Indian dude in a wheelchair named Billy White. And for no apparent reason at that. Okay fine, there is a reason. I got a few STDs, robbed a bank, almost got charged for murder, and some other stuff. Whatever. Like who even freakin' cares anyways? It's still not any reason to ship your only niece of to some crazed reservation where she'd have to do ritualistic dances and pray to the Sun and Rain gods. Not there ever was any Sun in Spoons. Well at least this La Pull reservation has a beach. I can drown kids in the ocean and everyone would think it was an accident.
"Okay we're here. Now you flutter off to the airport, ya hear Belly? And don't go squawkin' that big beak of yours to Billy, he's an Inkpentette. Now shoo, fly off my birdy!" Uncle Popsicle waved his hands at me frantically, flashing his neon green nail polish. I collected my bags and walked into the airport, trying to sneak past the security guard. It didn't exactly work but whatever. I was on my way to the green alien planet of rain-filled, sunless doom, no point in being a pessimist on top of it.
...
Billy came to pick me up at the airport followed by this smiley kid with long hair pushing the chair. Billy seemed cool enough though. He had ipod speakers in his ears, a sea blue shirt with a ninja holding a bunny on it, Ray-Bans, and he was waving his arms around in this weird way that was probably some time of Michael Jackson dance thing for the handicapped.
The guy behind him started running towards me screaming "BBBEEELLLLYYYY" I pushed him off as he hugged me, making him fall to the ground.
"I don't even know you, you blasted cannon-banana!" I shouted and walked towards Billy who gave the kid a stern look.
"Now Jake," he started, "How many times have I told you to not hug strange juvenile delinquent girls?"
I grinned. "Yeah Shakey Jakey. They'll achy breaky your face." I was still in the middle of grinning idiotically when from the corner if my eye I spotted a rabbit. It looked at me with panic-filled eyes.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING HOW LATE I AM? DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING IDEA HOW I'LL EXPLAIN ALL OF THIS TO MY MISTRESS? DO YOU? YOU DON'T! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" With that he hopped away, eyes on his wristwatch. I shrugged and straightened my pretty long white dress. Rabbits can be such hypes at times.
...
Soon, we made it to La Pull. When I arrived, I saw a surprise awaiting me in the front yard. It was a big red car with scratched off paint, no rearview mirrors, and a police siren on top. I started to scream at the top of my lungs and let Jake hug me this time.
"OMG! It's flipping awesome! I can pretend to be a cop and totally scare the chiz out of kids having outdoor s-" Billy cut me off, covering Jake's ears. "He's only fifteen!" I rolled my eyes.
"When I was 15-" he cut me off again. "You. NO! You eck ah aghz CUCKOO!" he punched his wheelchair violently, making his Ray-Bans fall off. I started to back away.
"Uh, I'll go check out my room." I murmured and turned to run up the stairs.
...
Today was the first day of school and surprise, surprise, It was raining! I closed the blinds back after opening as I sat up in bed. I choked, tasting my horrible morning breath. I rushed over to the bathroom to find it locked. Kudos to the bathroom-hogging Shakey Jakey.
After like forever, I got in to my relief. After brushing, peeing, and showering I turned to the mirror. I brushed my straight dark hair, getting out some of the tangles while I frowned at my reflection. Gods, I was sooooo pale. Ugh Life Sucks. Psh, I'm part albino, so yeah. GODDAMN ALBINO GENE! Sigh. This sucks so much I cannot express it in words. Ooh, maybe someday I'll find someone paler than me. Then I'd laugh at them all like ha ha ha.
I smiled at my reflection, hoping maybe there'd be some pale people in my new school. Mostly I smiled because I knew that no matter how much I complained and whined I was still excruciatingly gorgeous and would probably spark wet dreams in most of the male population. Ah, I already sparked some in myself except they were just so hard to play out.
"Oh jeez. Get out of the bathroom already!" Jake pounded on the door. "We have to leave for school in like ten minutes."
"Oh fine." I whined and wrapped a towel around myself, prying open the door. I tried to punch him but the towel slipped off a bit so I just held it up and huffed off to my room with every piece of dignity I had. (Which wasn't much)
Two minutes later I walked out in short leather shorts and some low-cut tank top. Billy handed me a bowl of lucky charms cereal. How flipping awesome! Uncle Popsicle never let me eat anything but cornflakes. In my happiness, I actually pet the sleeping mouse in the tea-kettle.
"Hey Billy, Why are you turning this adorable sleeping mouse into tea?" I asked ,concerned. "I mean, isn't it murder?"
"Nah. He's immortal. Comes back to life every time we eat him and finds a new place to sleep in." He answered, taking out the newly dead mouse and licking it's tail and throwing it into the giant tea pot besides the door. I shrugged and chugged down the cereal, waiting not-so-patiently for Jake to finish eating. Once he did finally finished, I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside.
"In the car you blasted pansy!" I said, ruining the effect by tripping on my own two feet. Did I mention I'm a complete klutz with absolutely horrible hand-eye coordination. Yeah well I've mentioned it now, so don't go into shock if I trip a bit too much. The last person who I told my tragic story did. He died of some sort of a stitch in his stomach or something like that. Come to think of it, Carlisle started an anti-laughter campaign after that. I don't get it...
...
We arrived at school kinda early. Taking advantage of my time, I threw Jake in the dumpster just to hear him whine about how he forgot to pack extra cologne. Ugh, this was so not a mistake I was making again.
I decided to look around at the cars, the nicest here was a shiny Volvo. Either this was some type of poor hood neighborhood -which it wasn't - or the people here were seriously cheep. I sighed and ran towards the entrance, tripping on a bush on my way, going flying into the air but landing safely in front of the front door.
In first period, this pimply, over helpful, chess club type guy turned to me and asked me where my next class was.
"Oh I'm going that way, Walk with me!" He said enthusiastically, "Oh and for the record my name is Eric. You're IsaBellyache Goose right?"
"Belly. Just Belly"
"Um, kay," he nodded and we started to walk. So basically that's how my day went, with people calling me IsaBellyache. I groaned, deciding I would see no cool people today. Or so I thought because just then this awesomely dressed girl walked around the hallways. She had on a brightly-colored The Supremes-like dress, pointed toed alligator boots, her black curls held up by a hippie hair band. I grinned.
"Hey. I'm Oprah Winfrey!" she grinned back.
"But you're white!" I exclaimed.
She grimaced. "Oh fine, you caught me. My name is Jessica. And I have dibs on Mike Newton sistah!
"Newton as in the scientist?" I burst into laughter, "What type of a name is that?" She grimaced some more and I tripped on the hall carpet. Fair enough.
...
She took me to lunch with her and introduced me to her friends. Last she introduced me to Mike, who wore a small chain around his neck with a dog-bone-shaped thing saying "Newton" hanging on it.
He smiled sheepishly. "Whoa golly. You're so pretty-full." I smacked him on the face and spat "JESSICA HAS DIBS ON YOU, YOU INSOLENT FOOL OF A SCIENTIFIC PANSY!" He nodded absently and continued to stare at my boobs. I threw my hands up in the air with frustration, knocking myself to the ground. Getting back up, I continued with throwing my hands up.
"Why don't ya take a picture, it'll last longer!"
"But they're covered!" he whimpered. Ugh, how annoying. I made sure Jessica wasn't looking then grabbed his arm and dragged him behind the cafeteria. I pulled my shirt off and unhooked my bra. He pulled out a camera, looking all wide-eyed.
I was standing there, doing the various poses Mike asked me to when I saw them. They were all super gorgeous and, wait for it, PALER THAN ME! None of them really noticed me except for the hottie red-head. He turned and stared at me intently and totally excited, I pulled of the rest of my clothes too. The redheads gold eyes nearly fell out of his sockets.
I patted Mike on the shoulder. "Who are those pale kids?"
"They're the Cullens," he said gravely, "we don't like those kids. They're super-rich, super-conceited, super-gorgeous, and total meanies. Plus the blond Evil Barbie, Rosalie, wouldn't sleep with me. Oh and the redhead's Edward!" He huffed of with his loaded camera and left me standing there. With Edward still staring at me.
"Oh I'm so tired." I sighed "Will you please help me get dressed?" Edward just rolled his eyes up and held his nose with his hand. Before I could get fully mad, I got all hungry and stuff, so I quickly dressed and ran back to the cafeteria to eat.
...
As I walked into 6th period that afternoon, the fan was on. As I walked right past it, Edward held his nose desperately and pretended to be puking with disgust. All the kids crowded around trying to smell me. I hissed and pulled some deodorant spray out of my bag. Freakishly pissed off, I sprayed it all over myself then aimed at Edward. I sent a blast right into his eyes, making him fall back in agony. I realized that was the perfect moment to laugh at him.
"HAHAHAH! Look at how pale you are. HEHE!' I pointed and laughed until my stomach felt like exploding. He leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Serves him right!
...
The last class that day was gym. I didn't have to dress out since it was my first day, so I was okay for now. Anyways, so it was then that school was over. First though, I had to go to the office.
When I arrived, Edward was in there, arguing with the receptionist lady. I realized with a start he was asking to get out of 6th period biology with me. That lemon-roasting, marshmallow-squirting, bumblelooba! When he saw me though, he acted as if he was the one entitled to be POed.
"Well I see that nothing can be done." he whined/screeched and stormed off all teary-eyed. Jeez, what a nut-case. What a sexy nutcase!