Dan VS Danielle
Synopsis: After having watched many episodes of this incredibly hysterical, clever and entertaining cartoon, I felt I would write a fanfic. Granted, this is my first Dan Vs. fanfic...and I know it may be a bit OOC but everyone deserves a bit of love, right ?
Chapter 1—Hottie Next Door
Dan had gone to sleep after staying awake til the wee hours of the morning indulging in 'Gore Fest' by himself. He would've gone with Chris, but Chris seemed to have become more attentive to Elise recently. He wasn't sure as to why this was, but Elise seemed to be even prettier than usual, if that was possible. He shrugged off any notion that was in his head and went back to sleep until Mr. Mumbles awoke him.
"You hungry again, Mr. Mumbles ?", Dan griped. Mumbles rolled over on his back, paws straight up, looking at Dan cutely, mewing pleasantly.
"I can't possibly be angry with you. Ok, sweetie. I'll feed you.", Dan said, getting a small can of Fancy Feast and opening it, since Mr. Mumbles deserved only the best catfood. Mumbles didn't eat cat food, he devoured it. Dan had to laugh at Mumbles' antics. His merriment was quickly silenced when he heard his neighbor next door scream in absolute terror. The screech made his blood run cold.
"Jaime ! Jaime, where do you think you're going ? No !", the feminine voice yelled at the top of her lungs. Suddenly a black cat crashed through his window and began having intercourse with Mr. Mumbles. At first he was mortified and appalled, but strangely aroused. The two cats rolled around for what seemed to be hours on end until they collapsed and fell asleep. The neighbor, frightened and worried, rushed to Dan's apartment, panting. She had the same sort of fashion sense that Dan did, and had she not been a woman Dan would've thought he met his twin.
"Have you seen Jaime ?", she asked, concerned. Dan felt his face flush, his heart race and his breathing shallow in her presense. This had never happened with other women he had met, which were few and far between. This lady was definitely a hottie, and his body was responding in ways he never felt possible. Without saying anything, Dan simply pointed to the two cats lying flat on the floor.
"They just finished having sex.", Dan said, bluntly. Danielle nearly fell on the floor laughing.
"I had always thought Jaime was a girl. Guess she's a boy.", Danielle said, her blue eyes momentarily mesmerising him.
"I'm Danielle.", Danielle said, offering him her hand to shake. Dan shook her hand and shook pleasantly himself. The air around Danielle seemed to crackle energetically and her aura was like that of freshly cut rosees.
"Dan. Pleasure's all mine, I assure you.", Dan said, wriggling his eyebrows seductively. Danielle hadn't even freaked out due to the mess in his apartment. She was perfectly placid. For some reason, Dan had a feeling that this friendship was going to turn into something beautiful indeed.
Chapter 2—Vengence Is Ours
The more Dan learned about Danielle the more he saw himself in female form.
At first, it was freaky, but then, he found it flattering and even, sexy, if he could think such a way without being thought of perverted or lecherous.
Together, Danielle and Dan took vengence on hundreds of different aspects of life and found their lists were similar. They noticed that marriage and sex were on the list as well.
"What's so wrong about these two things anyway ?", Danielle asked, sort of out of character for her usual misanthropic self.
"It took my best friend Chris away from me, and I'm fairly certain he and Elise have been consummating their marriage...repeatedly. He's been spending far too much time with her and none at all with me.", Dan said.
"Don't you think you're being a bit...immature ?", Danielle questioned, half feeling that the inquiry was directed at herself.
"Yes. Maybe these two aspects of life aren't so awful. It isn't that I haven't thought about either one of them. Goodness knows I wouldn't want to grow old alone without a child growing up to idolize me.", Dan said, starry eyed.
"That's a selfish reason to have a kid, Dan.", Danielle said with a chuckle.
"Oddly, I don't want to take vengence on Chris and Elise's marriage. More than likely they have a baby coming into the world, which is why he has been so attentive to her lately.", Dan said, not realizing that he had cupped Danielle's hands into his.
"That's mature, not to mention responsible and curteous.", Danielle responded, relieved for Dan's repentant nature and his newfound mallibility.
"You know what, instead of vengence, I was thinking we could do something else.", Dan stated, surepticiously wriggling his eyebrows again. Danielle loved the way he could be so expressive with his facial muscles.
"And what's that ?", Danielle responded, already well aware of where this answer was leading. Dan leaned in close to kiss Danielle, and before the two newfound lovers were aware of it, they had ended up in the same bed together.
"I can see myself getting used to this.", Dan said, with a hearty laugh as he caught his breath again. Sex had been downright pleasurable, if not exhillerating. In fact, he was looking forward to it multiple times in the future, without forcing Danielle. It was as if they were on the same wavelength; sympatico with one another.
"You aren't kidding, Dan. That was astronomically, absurdly terrific.", Danielle complimented. As soon as Danielle had said those words, she had snuggled underneath Dan's chin and fallen asleep. Dan felt his heart melt again. Love was truly wondrous. He hadn't a clue why he had hated it so fiercely before.
Chapter 3—The Shock At The Baby Shower
As Dan had anticipated, Elise was pregnant and Chris was strutting about like a proud father half the time. The other time, in the company of Dan, he was a nervous, twitching wreck.
"I don't know how to take care of kids, Dan ! I hardly even babysat growing up !", he confessed, jittering as he drank some bottled green tea to try to calm his nerves.
Dan patted his back.
"You'll get the hang of it.", Dan said, confidently. Chris was surprised at his friend's reaction. Something was definitely out of place with Dan, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Dan wasn't even angry. Why, he hardly even yelled. Chris dismissed the thought that his best friend had been abducted by aliens and replaced by a kinder, gentler clone. Little did he know he was about to experience a near coronary when his friend introduced Danielle at his wife's baby shower.
Dan had Danielle's help in choosing appropriate gifts for Elise's baby shower. The two of them were excited that they were invited and pitching in food as well. Fortunately for Dan, Danielle was an expert chef and knew her way around the kitchen blindfolded.
It was about noon. Dan and Danielle drove to Elise and Chris' home, greeted by a handful of chattering people they weren't familiar with, except Don and Elise Sr. Don had grown attached to Dan's iconoclastic, misfit personality but wasn't expecting Dan to have a real live girl tagging along with him. The last time he had a 'girlfriend' was when he had come into their house with a private detective searching for new mob members.
Luckily, Don had been able to keep his cover and Elise Sr. had maintained a low profile.
It was all for the better anyhow, but if Chris ever broke Elise's heart, he'd be sorry he was ever born.
Chris was still dubious about Dan's change in behavior. He pondered what had brought it on but was blind to the fact that Danielle had given Dan a new lease on life, in a manner of speaking.
"Who is this babe Dan totes around ? Even stranger still, why does she willingly go along with him and even laugh at his so-called 'jokes' ?", Elise questioned, waddling around a bit. Dan noticed her and came toward her, hugging her. Then the most incredible thing occurred. Elise's baby kicked inside of her.
"I felt that. What a kick ! I'd draft you for the next soccer team, little guy !", Dan said, laughing heartily.
"Or maybe he could be a black belt !", Danielle chimed in.
"Far more dangerous and far more entertaining. I like the way you think Elle.", Dan said.
"'Elle ?", Elise mouthed to Chris. She was half confused and bewildered about this girl. When she finally got her attention and was able to pry her story about how she met Dan, fell in lovewith him and ended up sleeping with him. She was still floored about the last part. She was pretty certain the latter part of the story meant that Armeggedon was on its way. She wasn't certain if she approved of the 'new Dan' or not, but one matter was certain, he was euphoric, and seeing him this way actually made her feel better for him. She hoped it wasn't just a passing phase and that this would be the one woman that would actually tolerate Dan unlike the few women who had been unfortunate to have had dated him before.
"Everyone, I have an important announcement to make. Hear ye, hear ye ! Ladies and gentlemen, though I am aware I have only known the lovely Danielle for only a few days but I want to know...", Dan stated as he got down on one knee and revealed a black-hills gold ring that he had bought through whatever means he had neccesary to him, 'If you would do me the honor of becoming my wife ? You're just like me, we both hate the same things and we even think similarly. With you I can cross vengence against lonliness off the list for good. What do you say, Elle?", Dan asked, his dark eyes probing Danielle's huge, warm, loving heart. Danielle fiddled her fingers around and twirled her raven hair momentarily. After pondering the question for a few seconds she came to her answer.
"Yes, you maniac of a man ! Instead of conquering the world with hate, I want to conquer you with love.", she said, kissing him full on, rather lustfully.
"Save that for later, you little minx.", Dan teased, flattening out the wrinkles Danielle's lecherous hands had made on him. Properly, she clasped her hands in front of her. Chris, dumbfounded, couldn't believe what he had heard. One meek clap filled the room, followed by scattered applause. Then Chris, exhuberantly grasped his friend by the shoulders and exclaimed,
"It's about freakin' time !"
Chapter 4—Dan Jr.
Dan and Danielle got married the following year and before Dan could utter "I hate kids", he was having one of his own. He used to loathe and abhor the little booger eating cretins, but now that he was experiencing the pride that went along with fatherhood, he had crossed 'children' off his vengence/hate list as well. It seemed that the more he stayed with Danielle, the shorter his list became and her list too.
They often commented on how tragic their lives had been before they had gotten married to one another. Sure, the two of them took vengence on other matters in life that they both despised, but the number of these items had significantly decreased.
Danielle wanted the gender of their child to remain a mystery, so even when the ultrasound had been definitive of the loving couple having a boy, she still kept his gender a secret. Dan was too eager to see the birth of his son, whom he would name after himself, naturally.
Once Dan Junior was born, he had become the apple of his father's eye. Danielle hardly had to lift a finger to take care of him, and she felt that perhaps she had been replaced by her own son, but such wasn't the case. Though slight arguments would exist on who Dan loved most, and he would stifle her fears with a passionate kiss. There was no doubt that he was dreadfully in love with Danielle and Dan Jr. only cemented that relationship.
Epilogue
As Dan Junior grew, he came to know Elise's daughter, Lily. Lily was named after Elise's favorite flower, but unlike the flower, Lily was quite the tomboy. She and Dan Jr. were inseperable and Elise fretted that Lilly would become an inconoclastic freak just like DJ was. Even at a young age, DJ showed signs of promise of carrying on Dan's 'list' though it only had a few items left on it. It seemed that DJ had a slight crush on Lily and Elise did everything but use her martial arts skills to stop the natural development of their endearment, but such an emotion couldn't be quelled.
"You knew eventually Dan would become a part of our family one way or another. Admit it, you're attached to the miscrient.", Chris teased, after the two had fallen asleep together, curled in each other's embrace resting off the effects of a long day at work.
"True, that much I can attest to. Inevitable as it is, I'll let nature take its course, but he'll have to prove himself later.", Elise said, as she fell asleep at Chris' side. Chris was so glad he wasn't DJ and pitied that little kid. He was only seven and already Elise had such lofty expectations and qualifications for him. Nevertheless, DJ, if he was anything like his father, would do his utmost to please Lily when the time came.
For now, it was interesting, not to mention humerous, to watch Lily and DJ play, acting out scenes from the latest summer blockbusters and old classics. Some things never changed.
The End