"Babe?"
My boyfriend's voice was quiet and uncertain. He had his arms around me and as always I was tense against his grip. I never relaxed, I couldn't relax. Relaxing would leave me open for attack, it would put me in a position for danger. I had to be aware. Emotions were unimportant. Caring was not an advantage. That's what I had had beaten in to me, that's what I had taught myself. I remained by it. No one cared to understand, I didn't care for anyone to understand.
I looked at him, blinking slightly. "Yes?" I asked.
"Are you all right?"
The problem with Sebastian was that he cared so much. He always did. He was so emotional, so very human. He loved me but it went beyond that. He adored me. He would've given me the world had I asked for it. He would, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, kill for me. He had hospitalised my tormenters at school. He cared too much, though, it was too much. He idolised me like I was some sort of king or even a god to him. I had told him so many times that he needed to stop, that he was going to get himself hurt, he needed to learn to control his emotions. Sebastian only smiled and told me that he was perfectly happy to get hurt by me. Ridiculous. I didn't understand it. How could someone be happy to be hurt. I valued self-protection above all.
"Of course," my words were simple. I was always all right. I couldn't not be all right. If I wanted to get anywhere in the word, I had to be all right. No one ever got anywhere with emotions.
Sebastian ran his hand through my hair, his long fingers were soft and gentle. A gentleness I knew was only saved for my purpose. I knew that those fingers were capable of, the bones they had broken, the bruises they had caused. All to keep me safe. It was a bit part of why I kept him around. I sighed, slightly but didn't tell him to stop. Sometimes I did, sometimes I couldn't bare the touch but I was willing to appease Sebastian at times. He put up with a lot because of me. I wished to be fair for him.
"You know I never believe you when you say that," he said, softly. His hand moved to the back of my neck, his fingers cold against my warmth and I couldn't help but shiver. Just a temperature difference, perfectly normal.
I said nothing, looking down at my lap, doing what I did so often. I imagined that Sebastian wasn't here, I imagined what I would do then, where I would be. Over time the image had got worse and worse. It started off with me knowing little would be different. All Sebastian did was clean the blood away and beat up the bullies. I could deal with them as I had done before he came along. Now, it was different. Now the image of Sebastian missing seemed to put a halt on everything I have planned. The business I wanted to create relied on him. My safety relied on him. I needed him.
I nodded, "I know," I replied. Did my voice shake or did I imagine that? Was there really a level of uncertainty there? "I am fine, Sebastian," I insisted.
"What's wrong?" Sebastian completely ignored my insistence and asked.
I rolled my eyes and slipped off his lap. "You're being over-emotional," I told him, sharply.
Sebastian shrugged. He wouldn't say it but I know my coldness got to him. I know he longed for something softer, something nice from me. He wanted some sign that I actually cared for him. I may've suppressed my emotions, but I was able to read them in others, Sebastian more so than any others. "One of us has to be," he told me.
"I am fine," I repeated, my tone sharper still. I turned and left the room.
I wasn't aware of Sebastian walked up behind me when I was staring at the kettle waiting for it to boil. I was too lost in my thoughts to hear him. I was thinking about him, how he felt about me, what I thought about him. I couldn't allow myself to feel. I jumped violently when I felt his arms around my waist, silencing a yelp before it left my lips.
"I'm sorry," Sebastian's voice was quiet and gentle and with a small sigh, I let myself lean back against him. "You can trust me.
"I do," I said, instantly. And I did. I was never in denial about that. Sebastian wouldn't have got as close as he currently was if I didn't trust him. Trust had never been the issue though and as I realised the truth of the situation, I felt my throat tighten, my heart race and my breath catch. "Seb…?"
"What is it?" there was a hint of panic in Sebastian's voice.
The whistle of the now boiled kettle was too loud, his gentle grip on me was too tight, the room was too small. I pulled away from him quickly and faced him. He was towering over me, too tall, too big, too threatening. I side stepped him, ignoring his protests, ignoring him trying to stop me. No. No. No. This wasn't right. This wasn't how it was. No.
"Seb…!" My voice was somewhat desperate. I stayed, staring at him without really seeing. He reached a hand out for him, and his held it gently. He was speaking, some sort of reassuring nothingness but I couldn't make sense of it. "Seb…"
I swallowed, trying to contain it. I had control of my emotions. I pushed them back. I didn't feel, couldn't feel. "I love you," the words tumbled out, I was barely even aware of saying them. I felt myself snapped back into reality them. The words working in a similar way to a slap and I sobered up, going very still and very quiet.
Sebastian was staring at me, still holding my hand. There were a mixture of emotions on his face and for the first time I couldn't make sense of them. For the first time I wasn't above him in my emotionless state. For the first time, we were on an equal plane. I didn't know what he was thinking, but he knew exactly how I felt.
"Well that's good," Sebastian said, laughing slightly in disbelief. "I wondered if you were ever going to admit it."
I felt myself tense once again as he said that. I was exposed, Sebastian could read me. Sebastian understood me. That terrified me. I couldn't help it, tears pricked at my eyes and started to fall. I wasn't the protected, cold teenager I had forced myself to become, I was the scared, lost child desperate for care. And that time, when Sebastian wrapped his arms around me, I clung to him, silently pleading with him to never let go.