I'm Not That Boy
Summary: One of a series of unlinked oneshots, songifcs, inspired by seeing Wicked too soon after CofE. Spoilers obviously my dears. Slash Janto.
The songs aren't in order and I won't be using all of them, or even all of those that I do use.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Wicked, but recommend you watch both.
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
I saw how attractive he was the first time I met him. I knew I was attracted to him, as he rolled up from his place on the floor where the weevil had been and hoisted it up onto his shoulder. All man. Not like me. Not with that feeling. I've never had that feeling before, not for a man. But it was the first feeling I had when I saw Lisa. However, I didn't let it distract me. I had to get into Torchwood. I had to fix Lisa. That's what mattered.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
Did he know how he made me feel, every time he touched me? Whether it be sexual or the brush of my hand against his as I passed over the first coffee of the morning. Sometimes I liked to pause, to watch his expression as he takes that first sip. He would always close his eyes and then smile in pleasure. I gave him that. Before any tie was loosened, any zip undone, any belt buckle sworn at, I gave that pleasure and it set up a dull flame in my stomach to see him enjoy it. So I always gave more.
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
Toshiko saw it first, I know she did, but she never said a word to me. And she was killed before she had a chance to tell me that she'd seen. One more thing left unsaid. Gwen saw it next, and she mocked me for it. She pitied me for that great rush of emotion I felt every time that I looked at Jack. But I didn't care. I should have listened, I know, but I was… too far in love. I didn't care about anything but him.
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I hated feeling how I did. So hopelessly, foolishly, in love with a man who… he told me, his shirt undone, his braces hanging at his sides, he told me that he couldn't love me, before I'd ever kissed the curve of that neck, the strong line of that jaw… He wouldn't let me without making sure that I knew the rules. Did I listen? My ears did, but my heart didn't. It never has listened to my calm and logical mind, merely spun it in circles and left it feverish and reeling. But the heart aches. It aches for more and more until it tries to twist. Every one of Jack's touches it stored, every soft word spoken to comfort in the middle of the night, waking from dreams of metal and fire and blood. It stored the words which spilled like water from a tap during the heights of their passion. Yet they were just as meaningless. He was just as full of them. Yet they were just as vital for the continuation of Ianto's life.
He could be that boy
Foolishly, I spoke of dying of old age. Preferably with Jack at my side, but realistically I knew that would never happen. It would never happen. It would never happen because hours later I was dead.
I told him I loved him.
But I'm not that girl
Not even then, when I was moments away from death with my slowing blood pounding desperately in my ears… trying and striving to stay that way. Not even then could he say it. Maybe he said it once I was gone. But that's too late. Everything now is too late for me. I understood how he couldn't say what he felt, that he'd take a whole lot of time to be able to say that he loved me. But having just confessed it to him, dying… I thought he'd be able to say it then. It wasn't like I could reject it.
And now it's all dark.
There's no where I can go.
There's nothing but the thought… the thought that Jack… never loved me.