Author note: just finished the Citadel attack on a replay and asked Kaidan to rejoin the Normandy crew. After all the drama Shep and Kaidan have been through, I don't believe a brief conversation can mend the damage done. This is a more cathartic take on Kaidan coming back to the Normandy, with my headcanon sort-of love triangle involving James. Also, lemme know if you share my feelings and - if so/not - what's your headcanon?
Card games in the lounge became James' way of saying We're in some deep shit now. Might as well wade through it together. Naturally, his masculine pride would never allow for such deep, personal expressions to be made vocal; Shepard, however, noted her lieutenant's recent switch from solitude in the cargo hold to keeping company up top. This war affected everyone, of course. It seemed James finally got around to feeling the impact.
That, or the gambling addict needed a fix.
"Lola! You down to play?" James asked while shuffling his well-loved card deck. A lit stogie, held firmly between his teeth, muffled every syllable. "If not, feel free to mix me and these pendejos here a drink." Nodding his head, he indicated two crewmen sitting opposite the lieutenant — one man and one woman. They both chuckled at his mock insult. One tended to learn the seedy side of Spanish when working alongside Lieutenant Vega.
Shepard recognized the crewmates, recalling a particular fondness they had for each other. Alliance regs be damned, she thought. If the world's going to hell, might as well let people be happy together.
Kaidan brought up a similar point once, back when Ilos had relevance and the Reaper invasion appeared distant. If only he had a similar immediacy now, she mused.
No, no, she promised to put bad thoughts behind her. She and Kaidan reconciled past...errors in judgment and both looked forward to their future partnership. Relationship. Coexistence.
Yup, slap mutual apologies on like a bandage and emotional wounds heal instantly. Or so the two agreed.
"Uh, Lola?" James noted Shepard's lack of retort. She always left with the last word if she could help it, which made her silence odd.
Shepard shook her head a little, honey colored hair locked firm in a bun above her neck. "Sorry James. With all that eloquent Spanish, I thought I was in Rio for a second." The couple at the table laughed again, their humors currently siding with the commander.
James smiled, still biting on the smoldering cigar. "Right then, no drinks. How 'bout you sit down here," he invited, patting his thigh. "Be my good luck charm."
"Yeah, well," she began, advancing toward the table, "you're gonna need some kind of luck. I'm about to beat all your asses." She pulled a chair, slapped the table. "Hit me James."
The woman at the table chimed, "I don't know if we should stick around for this." She nudged her partner. "Let's leave before one of them flips the table."
"I have money on Vega losing it first!" the other joked. The woman cleared her throat. "Oh, right. Yeah, let's go before things get, uh, involved." Clumsily — more like drunkenly — the two stumbled out of their seats and out the door. It wasn't awkward, not for Shepard. She knew her lieutenant well enough to hold informal conversation and didn't mind being left alone with him. It wasn't that James didn't want to be left alone with Shepard, not even close. He just hated the one-on-one with her because...
Because it's never gonna be one on one. Not with that clingy maricón back on the ship...
James clenched his jaw, giving the cigar a few puncture wounds in the process. Hell, forget the lesser Spectre. Alenko wasn't there, James was, and the latter would relish every second he got with this woman.
Meanwhile, as all this ran through James' head, Shepard tried to decide on tequila or beer for her next drink. Depends on how much money I'll lose. She sighed. Probably tequila. Shepard knew James had a hell of a poker face. She simply didn't know how often he wore it around her.
"Alright Lola, but I don't wanna take funds from the war effort or nothing. Strip poker?"
She tried to hide her smile. "Better not. Been in jail for months, remember? Indoors, little sunlight. I'm so white it would blind you."
James couldn't help but laugh aloud. Shepard joined him, and the sounds of their camaraderie echoed beyond the closed lounge door. Kaidan, who exited the medbay a while later, heard his fellow soldiers' continued joking. He could identify Shepard's voice anywhere, anytime. Strong yet soft, her speech drenched his hearing with a kind of perfume that made blunt threats sound Shakespearean. Back when their relationship remained undefined, he longed to make his commanding officer at least chuckle in every conversation; to him, it meant another step closer to being, well, closer to her.
Yes, it had to be Shepard laughing in the lounge just now. There were two people, however, and the deeper male guffawing certainly did not belong to Shepard. Kaidan felt a quick twinge of jealousy. Who the hell is making her laugh so damn hard?
The Major would never consider himself a jealous man. He and Shepard worked alongside many young men back in the day. Athletically built and whatnot. They all joked around as soldiers do and Kaidan never thought twice of it. After their separation...after he declined her offer on Horizon...Kaidan didn't know how she felt about him anymore. No exclusivity to speak of, which tortured both Spectres (even if neither knew the other's state of mind). Now some guy in the lounge gets Shepard's laughter — the laughter Kaidan had worked so hard to earn before? To the man outside the door, that bode ill news.
Kaidan took a deep breath, gave a second for his fist to unclench, and walked inside as though he didn't expect a thing. Let's hope I've learned how to wear a better poker face. Unfortunately, his was not as well-practiced as James'.
"Hey, I heard—" he began before getting cut off by more laughter. The commander and lieutenant hardly addressed their superior officer upon his entrance. Voices were raised, all in good nature. Kaidan saw that it was Lieutenant Vega who sat with Shepard. He would rather have seen a Reaper husk sitting next to her. Stomping, Kaidan approached the pair. This got their attention.
"Ah Lola, we have a guest." James eyed his opponent, dropping his neutral mask for a brief moment to glare at the officer. Back to normal, back to teasing. "Care to join us, Lanky? Or would you prefer to watch?"
Kaidan opened his mouth to speak when Shepard choked, "Lanky! Because Alenko..." A confused expression furrowed her brow. "But he's not that thin..." She was definitely a little buzzed. "Anyway, sit down Kaidan. Play. Except you may not want to go up against James, seeing as my chips keep disappearing."
James smirked. "I'm tough to beat, Lanky. Lola can tell you that."
More glares were exchanged. Shepard didn't seem to notice. "I'm gonna win my money back one way or another. If you join in now, we can at least take some of his chips away." That confused look resurfaced. "Unless this backfires and I lose what little I have."
Kaidan sighed. "Not right now, Shepard."
"Come on, Lanky," James pressed. "Does it really bother you to know I'll end up winning? I think the commander here—"
The Major pivoted without a word and left the room. Triumphant, James grinned. Shepard appeared less than happy.
"What was that?" She faced James. "He looked mad. Did I do something?"
He leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the table. "Nah Lola. Cigar smoke probably gave him a migraine or something. Here, I'll deal again."
She shook her head. "No, I better take care of him now." Pushing her chips forward, she forfeited the game. "I currently have enough alcohol in me to allow this, James." Her omnitool glowed to life. After a few 'button' pressings, she said, "Go spend it all before I sober up."
He accepted the money half-heartedly. "Thanks. You sure you want to call it a night?"
"Yeah. Thanks for everything James. I appreciate you tolerating me."
"Yeah," he echoed, hiding any trace of caring on his part. "Yeah, go after your boy. I'll be here counting my wins."
She smiled and left. James considered the new credit figure in his account, then transferred his newly acquired money to the Normandy's armory budget. "From me to you, Commander," he mumbled. "Kick some Reaper ass. And Alenko's, while you're at it."
Shepard heard the crew quarters door shutting and reopened it. Sure enough, Kaidan was there, sitting at the table with head in hands.
Damn, I screwed up Shepard thought. Let's get this over with.
"Kaidan?"
He started, immediately standing up and erasing all hints of disappointment or dismay. "Shepard, hey. Hope I didn't interrupt your game." He did, in fact, hope that very thing. Lieutenant Vega always bothered him. The way he acted around Shepard, like he was her damn bodyguard...well, he sort of was a bodyguard to her, but still. The soldier showed unjustified possessiveness and Kaidan didn't like it.
"No, I was losing money anyway. James has one hell of a...what?" Kaidan rolled his eyes at the mention of the lieutenant's name. "What, Kaidan?"
He exhaled loudly. "It's Lieutenant Vega, not James. The first name basis thing works fine with the rest of the crew because they're not strictly Alliance. He is, Shepard." She raised her eyebrows when he said her name sans-title. Kaidan's gaze dropped to the floor. "We're, uh, different."
"Different because..."
"Dammit Shepard you know why. It was a pretty big deal for you and I to drop the formalities back on the SR-1. Now everyone's got a nickname, including you."
She crossed her arms. "You're not jealous, Kaidan..."
"No," he scoffed.
She stared at him. "Really? So you want your own nickname, then?"
"No, Lola is a strange enough nickname to content the whole crew. What's wrong with 'Shepard'?"
A shrugging of shoulders. "What's wrong with a nickname?"
The conversation started steering off each party's intended course. "You've earned your rank, Shepard. You earned your Spectre and N7 status and deserve the respect an Alliance officer is owed. Besides, what's the point of a nickname anyway?"
She freed one hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. "I don't know, Kaidan. For fun?"
"Yeah? What sort of fun do you and the lieutenant get up to?" He couldn't help the bitterness escaping at this point.
Shepard threw her hands up. "You are jealous! I can't believe you'd think after all this time—"
"What?" he interrupted. "That after all this time apart you'd feel the way I do? The way I've always felt?" He stepped toward her. "I couldn't put that on you Shepard. Not after two years. Not after what happened...what I did on Horizon. I couldn't expect you to be attached to me in any way." He took another step closer. "And yeah, I do get jealous, because I gave up the chance to be with you. Any man could take my place and...and I hate that, Shepard. I don't want that to happen."
She stared straight at him. Quiet. Fuming. "So you think we're done? That you left some vacancy in my life that I have to fill by clinging to another body?"
"No, Shepard, I didn't—"
"Stop, Kaidan!" He did. "Why do you keep insisting that I never really cared about you? You're the only man I ever..." she looked down at her boots. "We're still running into this problem."
He attempted her lift her face. "What problem?" It was unnecessary, as she raised her chin proudly whenever an argument got heated.
"You know, the lieutenant and I do have a tight-knit relationship. We've only known each other for, what, a few months? Been fighting together for just one? But you and I know that sharing foxholes is one hell of a way to make friends."
Kaidan sighed. She ignored him and continued. "Just one month, then, if we're being technical. We're still new to each other, yet he never, never questions my judgement. It isn't because he blindly accepts orders; he trusts me. As an officer and a friend, he trusts me." Shepard held up her index finger. "One month, Kaidan. And how long have I known you?" She resumed staring at her feet. "You're the person closest to me, closer than I've ever let anyone get. I don't just mean Ilos..." Facing him again, softer, she muttered, "I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be with anyone else. But we can't move forward until you start trusting me." She reached for his hand, holding it for a moment. "Please think on that." With those words, she left the room and left Kaidan.
He thought they'd already put those issues behind them, in the hospital and before boarding the Normandy. She obviously felt that they had not — with good reason, Kaidan admitted to himself. He would think on what she said, and he would make things right with her. As other crew members entered the room preparing to rest, Kaidan tried and failed to mask the confusion and disappointment and anger with himself. He never did have a good poker face.