Title: The Return of Steve McQueen
This story is the result of a prompt given to me. The prompt was: House gets Wilson a pet for his birthday, but the pet ends up injuring Wilson.
Pairing: None (unless you have really powerful slash goggles). Features House and Wilson.
Rating/Warnings: G, dialog only fic
Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own.
Hold still.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Damn it House, do you have to pour the entire bottle on it?
Yeah, I do. To prevent a little thing we doctors like to call 'an infection'. Maybe you've heard of it?
Agghhh! What are you doing now? Stop poking at it, you're making it bleed more!
I'm not making it bleed more, your hand is doing a fine job on its own. It's going to need suturing. Hold this napkin against it and see if you can manage not to bleed all over the kitchen while I get my suture kit.
I'd rather get it stitched up at the hospital.
But I do such a lovely cross stitch. I could make a skull and cross bones out of it for you.
Wow, hard to imagining turning down an offer like that. I'll get my car keys, you drive.
We need to do it here.
I would really prefer the hospital.
I don't have to do a skull and bones. If you'd prefer your initials in marquee lights…
The hospital, House.
Okay, okay, you win. No patterns, just a half a dozen boring little stitches.
I still want to get it done in the clinic.
Why?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe something about pain management? And before you argue, two fingers of scotch is not the same thing.
Seriously, we need to do it here.
Why?
Because of Steve.
House, his name is not Steve. Steve is dead. This rat's name is Clark.
His name is Steve McQueen II.
Usually the recipient of the birthday gift gets to name it.
Well, I would have let you name it if you hadn't given it such a lame name.
He's named after Clark Gable, on account of his dark whiskers.
Oh, I thought it was after Clark Kent, on account of how boring you are.
Never mind, House, can we just go already?
Steve is a much better name.
The hospital, House.
Lift your hand higher it's starting to bleed through the napkin. Admit it, you didn't even like my present.
I've been hinting at a half a dozen possible present buying opportunities for you, none of them involving rats. If you had wanted another rat for yourself you should have bought one for yourself, not pretended it was for me.
It's the thought that counts.
Yeah, and you clearly weren't thinking about me. And what does going to the hospital have to do with Steve anyway? I mean Clark.
The bite will have to be reported and the rodent-phobic authorities will have him killed.
No they won't. They just will want to make sure he hasn't been exposed to rabies. They'll check with the pet shop, that's all.
…
He didn't come from a pet shop, did he?
…
Damn it, House. You gave me a wild rat as a present?
It was a stray, like the original Steve.
Wild rats are not strays! They didn't stray from anywhere! No wonder the thing bit me when I tried to pet it.
Who pets a rat anyway?
Me! And now I might have been exposed to rabies.
Oh come off it, Wilson. Steve isn't exhibiting any signs of rabies.
Yeah well, he's not exhibiting any signs of the bubonic plague either, but that doesn't mean he's not a carrier.
I'll have a "I survived the Black Death" t-shirt made up for you for next year's present.
That's not funny.
Then why are you trying to suppress a laugh?
I'm delirious from the loss of blood.
I'll get you the scotch and you'll be good as new in 10 minutes, tops. If we go to the hospital it will probably be at least an hour wait.
…
…
…
Please?
Fine, get the suture kit. But when we're finished, we take Clark to wherever you caught him and we let him go.
But this is his home.
We've had him four hours, House!
I'll tell Steve the bad news.
His name is Clark.
If we're freeing him then he's no longer your birthday present. You don't get to name him.
I'm crushed. And would you get the kit already, I'm bleeding out of the napkin again.
Then lift your arm back into the air. Sheesh, where did you go to medical school? Box Top University?
The kit, House!
All right, I'll be back in a minute. Hold your hand over the sink while I grab it.
Finally.
One last question.
House! Bleeding here!
It's quick.
What?!
How do you feel about snakes?