The Secret Life of the American Rogue Vampire Hunter

ep. 1: Insert Lame Pun Involving "Love" and "Bite"

cast

Amy Jeurgens

Ashley Jeurgens

Amy Jeurgens' black best friend

Amy Jeurgens white best friend

John the baby

Ben

That asian couple who hangs out with Ben

Ricky

Grace

Jack

Adrian

John the vampire

I think that's everybody.

Amy's house

We see Amy changing John the baby's diaper (You people never seem to show that part. I speculate that happens to people with babies a lot. If you're serious about being the sex-ed scene from mean girls in tv show form, you should make them poo and cry more. I think babies probably do those things a lot. Anyways, she gets up and leaves John alone for a second, just to find some more diapers or something [I really have no idea what people with babies do.])

We see a mysterious figure in the window. WOoOoOoOoh.

Amy turns around to find John The Baby gone.

Amy: (Screams in a fashion that is scared and girly.)

There is a note left on the table. E flat a minor third above middle c to be precise. JUST KIDDING! It's really a letter. The Letter B, to be precise. HA! I am fucking hilarious. It was a message, written in BlOoOoOod. (That's twice I've done that alternating letter thing. It makes things look SpOoOoOky. I bet you're scared now. I know I am.)

note: Dear Amy, I have Your little baby-person. I Plan on eating him, unless you can find me some other baby to eat. I like eating babies.

Love and puppies, John.

P.s. I like eating puppies too.:D 3

Amy: (faints.)

in walks Ashley.

Ashley: La La La-Holy shitmuffins my sister is all fainted! and she's holding a flat e!

(picks up paper. sings an e flat a minor third above middle c.) LAAAA! (reads message.) Fuckity shitbags.

the next day at school we see Amy talking to her best friends.

Black friend: so, I thought John was your baby?

Amy: Well, John is my son, but he was named after my older brother who died in that plague of vampires we had a few years ago that everyone forgot about for some reason.

White friend: Oh right, that plague! So, your older brother is a vampire now? I bet he sparkles in the sun and angsts over some whiney girl with all the personality of half a grapefruit!

Amy: Oh My God, I bet he does! *squee* (Why Amy is sqeeing over her brother is perhaps a question best left unanswered.

All *squee*

John the vampire appears from behind them. possibly modeled after Spike from buffy.

JTV (see above Homer Simpsonism): (joins in squeeing, after a few seconds girls notice he's there.) Actually I don't sparkle. or angst. God I fucking hate twilight. (tries to bite Black friend. girls cry and run like a bunch of little babies wah wah waaah! in the war of 1812.[Note; Anyone who gets that reference, I love you.])

Amy: (scared) how did you get in without getting all sparkly?

JTV: Okay, first of all, I would burn, not sparkle. I Fucking hate twilight. Also, I have a PARASOL. (Pulls out girly flowery lacy parasol. Girls giggle because it's funny. Ha Ha Ha. Ha.) SHUT THE HELL UP. So, you got my e flat?

Amy: Uh huh.

JTV: Good. You have 3 days. (opens his parasol and walks out.)

Scene 2

Adrian's House. Night. We see Adrian on the couch with Ben watching tv. (Ben and Adrian are a thing, right? it's all so confusing.)

Adrian: So are you really serious about the whole "marriage" thing?

Ben: What? Yeah. Of Course. Why would I not be serious? I have to take, like responsibility for my actions and like, zygote (did I spell that right?) and stuff.

Adrian: Oh. Okay. (Takes more popcorn.) So, did you hear about all the vampires and shit?

Ben: Oh, yeah.

Adrian: Cool. (picks up remote and starts channel surfing. but their boredom is interrupted, Because John the vampire just crashed through the window. Ben and Adrian scream and do that hand raising thing.)

JTV: Ben, right? you cheated on my little sister. Asshole. You deserve to die horribly, but the thought of biting you disgusts me. Hmmm... Whatever shall i do?

Ben: you could maybe not kill me... just a suggestion...

JTV: Ha! (snaps Ben's neck) No. (Adrian is scared. This is understandable.) So, are you the one who Amy was cheated on with? because certain things about you make corpsey (get it? 'cause he's a corpse.) here look a bit less assholish. Not that that makes cheating okay, but I see why he did now. (He notices that Adrian is all shaky and scared and crying a little. He moves a little closer to her.) You Okay?

Adrian: I just saw my kind-of-boyfriend-or-possibly-fiancé-type-person possibly murdered in cold blood and also my life is ruined now! Of course I'm not okay!

JTV: Hey, your life's not ruined. Your life is not over just this guy's is. You'll get all griefy , sure, but you'll move on. If, of course, you live for the rest of the night, which is looking less and less likely...

Adrian: (scared and crying) *whimper* but I'm pregnant and he was gonna marry me and everything was gonna be perfect and now he's dead and I'm fu-(cry)

JTV: (annoyed at the tears) Oh Shut the Hell up! (bites Adrian.)

Cut to school hallway

Amy encounters Ashley. (or the other way around. it really doesn't matter. As long as someone gets encountered.) Ashley: So, any luck with the whole baby-finding thing?

Amy: No.

Ashley: Oh. Well that sucks. So what are you gonna do?

Amy: Probably something heroic and stupid.

Ashley: Mm. So it turns out Ben and Adrian were found all non-living a few days ago.

Amy: Oh my god, really? how?

Ashley: Broken neck and blood loss from a neck injury, respectively.

(Amy's eyes widen.)

Amy: Serves Ben right for cheating on me.

Ashley: Seriously? Are you that much of a bitch? (rolls eyes.) Think we should do something about John?

Amy: Maybe, yeah.

Ashley: Okay, then. Let's go kill something. (smiles insanely, links arms with amy and walks off screen badassedly.)

We see Grace in church in an ankle length white dress praying her pious little ass off.

Grace: (In tears) Dear God, please let me not die. Please, Killing my dad was punishment enough for sex, and if you think it wasn't, I promise, I will hole myself up in a hut and eat nothing but the meager vegetables I grow myself and never have a single dirty lustful perverse thought as long as I live. I will- Mm! [mouth is covered by MysteEeEeEerious HaAaAaAnd (there's that spooky letters thing again.)]

Cut to John the vampires hovel. It's really scary and nasty. there's no windows which makes sense, so it's very dark, because he doesn't own a lamp, since most places you can get lamps are open during the day and he doesn't care enough to steal one. n\Not that he has any problem with stealing. Grace is bound and gagged on a chair. So are that asian couple that hangs out with Ben whose names I should probably figure out. Off to wikipedia!-

-Hank and Alice. In walks Adrian.

Adrian: Hi Grace. (smiles revealing fangs.)

Grace: Mm!

Adrian: Oh, don't be like that. It only hurts for a minute, and then you don't have to worry about anything ever again. No more consequences. John might want to change you himself, so I'll wait for him to get back from where he is before you die. So what do we do until then? (takes out knife) Oh, I have an idea! (rips off gag) it'll be more fun if you scream. (camera pans to the faces of Hank and Alice[I knew they had names!]. they have shocked expressions of fear on the fronts oftheir heads and also are struggling. We can hear the sounds ofwhatever Adrian is doing. It's scarier if we don't see exactly what.)

Hank manages to get out of the ropes around his wrists.

Hank: (whispering) Alice! (Alice turns toward him as he unties her) I think she's distracted with all the torture. Let's make a break for it. (they get up and run toward the exit, but right there is JOHN THE VAMPIRE. Dun Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! Alice knees him in the jewels, buying them enough time to get outside where the sun is just starting to rise.

John: Aargh! (see? no sparkles. just pain. he runs back inside, where Adrian puts her hand on his shoulder comfortingly.)

Adrian: Aw, you okay? (kisses cheek) I held off on killing tight ass Mc Christianpants. You want her?

John: No, you go ahead. I'm going to put some ice on those places where I got sunned.

John Leaves to do that thing he said. Adrian smiles and bites Grace.

Next scene

Hank and Alice run up to Amy + Ashley's house looking pretty bad frombeing held captive by John. They ring the doorbell and Ashley opens the door.

Ashley: I'm not inviting you in.

Hank and Alice run in anyway.

Alice: You know, that's really not a thing you need to say during the daytime.

Ashley: You could have had a parasol. So why did you come here?

Hank:(shrugs)

Ashley: Okay.

Amy walks in the door holding a baby that's not john.

Amy: Hi Ashley. And you other people.

Ashley: Hi Amy. And Mini-person. Where did it come from?

Amy: Maternity ward.

Ashley: Ah. Hey, take this. (hands Amy a cross)

Amy: Thanks.

Ashley: So, are you just going to give him the baby and hope he leaves? because I spent like all night yesterday whittling stakes, and I smell like garlic. I had better get to do some ass kicking.

Amy: No slaying. You could get hurt!

Ashley : Now, I'm going to go hand this baby over to John. I don't want you to try and slay anyone.

Amy Exits.

Hank: She's gonna get killed, isn't she?

Ashley: Probably. We could probably make her not die, though. (Picks up three stakes and tosses one each to Hank and Alice.)

(they all leave.)

Next Scene, John's hovel. John is not sitting, but Lounging on an armchair with Grace and Adrian standing on either side of him. Enter Amy with infant.

Amy: John? I have the mini- person you wanted. Take it, give me little John, and get the hell out.

John laughs.

John: Hey, did you know the word "gullible" is written on the ceiling?

Amy: Really? (looks up and is grabbed by the neck by john)

John: Yes. Also, your son's been dead for days. This whole baby thing was a clever plan, like your plastic parenting class baby.(Gracewalks over and rips fake babies' head off.) Only clever. (snaps Amy's neck.)

Enter Ashley, Hank, and Alice.

Ashley: And... she's dead. FUCK! Well, we can at least stop you from killing anyone else. (punches john in the face.)

Alice: Badass. (Tackles Grace.)

Hank: (shrugs, attacks Adrian.)

There is a fight. Eventually John and Grace fall down full of stake, but Adrian gets away.

Hank: That was kind of awesome.

Alice: It kind of was.

Ashley is next to Amy, and crying a little. Alice puts a hand on her shoulder. Her own hand, not some other one she found. that would be less comforting and more gross.

Hank: (looks up.) Hey, Gullible isn't written on the ceiling! I feel cheated.

Next Scene

We see pictures of all those people who died with flowers and candles and stuff all around them. All the survivors are standing (For those of you not keeping track, that's Ashley, Ricky, Everyone's parents, Those two Asians, Amy's friends, Tom, and Jack) in front of it. We see Adrian lurking in the background, glaring menacingly at Ashley.

Everyone walks out, not noticing Adrian. Ashley is talking to Hank and Alice.

Alice: I'm just glad it's over!

Adrian laughs.

The End.