A/N: I need to write more DGM fics. I've sorta moved out of my anime phase and it makes me sad because DGM was what got me into fanfiction in the first place. So I'm trying to reacquaint myself with the characters and everyone loves some almost-angst.
It's choppy and icky and just *growl*. No beta and barely any editing done.
I have no idea how to write these characters.
Kanda didn't hate Allen.
He hated that he always knew where Allen was in a room, eyes tracking him without meaning to.
He hated how Allen invaded all his senses, all his thoughts, all the time.
He hated that he constantly worried when Allen went on missions, worried that Allen wouldn't come back.
He hated how his heart stuttered whenever Allen smiled.
He hated how his breath would catch in his throat when Allen cried.
He hated how all he wanted to do was make that smile come back.
Kanda didn't hate Allen.
He hated everything else.
xXxXx
They were on a mission together; they were always on missions together. Part of Kanda loved it, loved being so close to Allen, being able to protect him, but Kanda knew the real reason they were paired together. If Allen lost himself to the 14th then Kanda was expected to kill him.
Kanda had always been good at separating his emotions from his duty as an exorcist, but now when he looked at Allen. He wasn't sure he'd be able to do it.
He would rather die himself than hurt the boy.
He didn't know when he'd gotten so weak.
Allen was staring at him, concern clear in those eyes.
Those fucking eyes. So bright. So innocent.
He had no idea what he did to Kanda.
"Are you okay?"
Allen's voice was soft, cautious, like how someone talked to a wild beast they didn't want to startle.
"Fine," Kanda grunted.
Allen didn't look convinced but he dropped it. Kanda ignored the way that his heart squeezed, ignored the voice that was telling him to open up to Allen, to share all his thoughts, his feelings.
"You should get some rest," he said instead, turning towards the door.
"Where are you going?"
I can't stay here. I can't sleep in the same bed as you. I need to get away. "Out."
He ignored the lure of the bed, of being able to sleep next to Allen, being able to share heat with him. He wouldn't break, not now.
"Stay."
The word was a broken whisper and he felt his resolve falter for just a moment. He paused mid-step and took a deep breath, reminding himself of why it would be bad.
"Please."
He closed his eyes and felt his carefully constricted walls start to crumble. A hand hovered over his skin and he didn't move away. Couldn't move. Didn't want to move.
"You don't want me to," he said, voice shaking.
The hand closed around his arm and tugged, turning him. He kept his eyes closed so he wouldn't have to look into Allen's eyes, they would break him.
"Yes, I do." He felt a hand flutter over his cheek and slide down to cup his neck. "Look at me."
His eyes fluttered open and he stared down into eyes that were too wide, too innocent. If he stayed -if he succumbed to his desire- that innocence would be destroyed.
He couldn't do that.
Not to Allen.
Allen moved closer until his breath was puffing against Kanda's cheek. He paused there, hovering so close, leaving it up to Kanda.
"Please," Allen whispered and Kanda swallowed the word, closing the distance between their faces. His lips brushed Allen's once and pulled back to hover. He needed to walk away. He needed to leave. He couldn't do this.
Shouldn't.
Wouldn't.
Allen's hand tightened on his neck, as if he could see what Kanda was thinking, and he pulled Kanda's lips back to his. "Stay," Allen murmured against his mouth.
Allen was everywhere. His taste on Kanda's lips, his scent in Kanda's nose, his voice in Kanda's ears, his heat against Kanda's body, and Kanda's defenses crumbled.
He wrapped an arm around Allen's waist, the other sliding up to tangle in his hair, and he kissed Allen until they were both breathless and panting.
"You'll regret this," he growled, pressing their foreheads together.
Allen smiled brightly in response, and in that moment Kanda knew he was lost.