A Memorandum:
To:All Active KND Operatives
From: Numbuh One, KND Sector V
Priority: Code Red
Re: Resisting Adult Subterfuge
Has anyone ever asked you what you want to be when you grow up? Only about eleventy-buh-million times right? Right. It's the sort of question only adults bent on total world domination would ask. They just slide it right in there along with all the other loaded interrogatory ploys used to siphon confidential intelligence out of the less wary kids of the world. These questions seem so utterly innocent, so inherently harmless that many fall prey to them without realizing their mistake. I therefore, have taken the matter in hand and present to you all, my fellow KND Operatives, this memorandum. The intent of the following document is to better prepare you all for the unavoidable moment when you too will be subjected to the adults' covert information gathering tactics. In the event that you are faced with answering any, or more likely all, of these questions you should familiarize yourself with the responses below. Of course you should tailor your statements to your own speech pattern, dialect, personal mannerisms, etc. to avoid undue suspicion that your replies may not be entirely spontaneous.
DO NOT carry this page with you when you might encounter an adult or teen! Keep it secure in your tree-house base, or destroy it after reading as you would any other top secret KND document. DO NOT read your answers directly from this page under any circumstances! This list is in no way to be considered comprehensive and is purposed only to serve as a guide. The questions herein are presented along with the more typical dangerous responses, as well as ones better suited to protecting the interests of the KND and the rights of kids worldwide. Be alert to maneuvers such as flattery hidden in the initial lead-in to the question, as such will lead many operatives astray!
Example #1:
Question: "My, my little Billy! You sure aren't so little anymore are you son? How old are you now my boy?"
WRONG Answer: "Gee Aunt Ruth, I'm already 9 and a half!"
This question is designed to gauge the time the adults have left to wait before you will be scheduled for decommissioning and will no longer pose a threat. It is also routinely used by under cover recruiters for the Teen Ninjas to see when their efforts will be most likely to pay off. Note the flattery...
BETTER Answer: "I did get a little taller this summer didn't I Aunt Ruth? But I really am only in the third grade, you know".
This response is more vague than it may appear. Due to the fact that you may be a super genius who skipped a grade, or even just have a birthday close to the start of school (something that no one old will ever be able to remember), this kind of answer will usually keep them guessing long enough for you to make your escape. You can even claim unfinished homework if you have to. Just get out of there, before they can formulate a follow-up question.
Example #2:
Question: "Why Sally! Is that sparkly lip-gloss I see? Don't you just look stunning! Do you have a boyfriend yet dear?"
WRONG Answer: "Thanks Granny, I can't wait until mom lets me wear real lipstick!"
This question is NOT really to check your relationship status, as it may seem on the surface. The 'rules' parents set for such things vary widely, so that is not often the real motive behind the question. In fact, the adult (or teen) is usually trying to track any teen-like tendencies you may be displaying. Note the flattery...again...
BETTER Answer: "Yep, it is. And guess what? (a pause for effect usually works here along with a conspiratorial tone and lowered voice to a whisper at the start rising to your most childish shriek of delight VERY close to the adult ear which cannot withstand loud noises) It. Tastes. Like Strawberry! Yummy!"
Like before, giving an answer like this alleviates the potential for getting grounded for the crime of 'ignoring' the one speaking to you and it is sufficiently open-ended. If well applied, the method above will usually have them sending you 'out to play' just so they can recover their hearing. Even if that doesn't happen, just keep moving and exit the room before they can ask a new question.
And finally, the tried and true old stand-by,
Example #3:
Question: "Andy, my fine young man! Why don't you come over here and talk to your Uncle Sid? *insert evil adult grin meant to act as a hypnotic lure to get you closer to the adult* Well now, what do you want to be when you grow up? I bet a smart boy like you has already made his mind up right?"
WRONG Answer: "Yes sir, I know what I'm gonna be! I wanna be a firefighter when I grow-up!"
This question is NOT truly to reveal your future goals, as it may appear at first. The truth is that the adults' grip on power would slip from their collective fingers if they could not count on a steady stream of newly minted adults coming in to fill key roles in the anti-kid movement as the current ones become too old. They keep very careful record, in fact, of all the answers given to this screening question and use the results to calibrate their mind control rays to make sure we who fall victim to the dread disease called 'aging' will chose career paths suited the adult agenda. The flattery...again...they really do this a lot...turn the tables on them when you can...
BETTER Answer: "Uncle Sid- (laugh or giggle if you can do so naturally) You're so funny! I'm w-a-y too young to think about stuff like that. I hafta go back to my sand box fort now, before Ellie turns it into some dumb girly princess castle or somethin'. Bye!"
Like before, giving an answer is almost always necessary to avoid punishment for 'rude' behavior, however always be sure that whatever you say is non-committal. As always, keep moving and leave before they try again. We all know adults can't keep up with a KND operative in top condition since we seem to be 'so full of energy'.
Until the joyful day when our scientists finally uncover the illusive cure for aging, may you all have better success in avoiding the pitfalls of adult and teen examination and keep the KND strong and fully able to defend the right of kids everywhere from adult tyranny! Hopefully this memo will aid you all in your missions and in your daily encounters with the enemy even when you are not on duty. If we all continue to fight the influence of evil adults together, we can truly shout with pride to all who will listen; "KND Rules"!
Author's Note:
Just a little something that popped unbidden into my head tonight. Supposed to be from Nigel's brain in the spirit of his rant in Operation A.R.C.H.I.V.E. but I think that premise failed. I'm hoping that someone will find some humor in this. It is really meant to be funny, and a bit silly. Hope you all will tell me what you think! Consider it a peace-offering because I have not been able to update 'Why Is It Always Me?' … I know, I know. I'm sorry. Life has sapped my muse again … yep. I really did say that again. It's gotten to be a habit to say it, but it's still true – honest! I will update that story sometime soon though so please be patient with me. Thanks for reading, now please review! Please? I'm waiting by the email in box anxiously …