okay, little something about this story: you know those song fanfics people do? Well, this is like that sort of. It uses little parts of songs in it to describe/set the mood. Only in Adam's perspective though. When it is in Allison's or Kris', it won't. Under each song I say what it is too, just in case YOU want to know. The song artist or whatever is completely irrelavent to the story though. If it's slanted, it's lyrics. If not, it's the story. It goofs up when it uploads though, so it might be a little off. Sorry, I'm trying to fix it now.

CHAPTER 1:

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating..."
-Broken by Lifehouse


Adam mouthed the words to this oh-so-familiar song over and over. It was such a sad and depressing song - he knew that. He couldn't help it though. Not after today at least. It seemed as if the whole word was against them.

"I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they'd always say
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong
Me against the world
Its me against the world..."
-Me Against the World by Simple Plan


Yet another song he was familiar to. He liked songs with lyrics like that - lyrics that actually had a MEANING. IT seemed like half of the songs out there now were about drugs, sex, and alcohol. He hated it. That's one reason he had ended up trying out for American Idol - he'd hoped that if he somehow managed to win, he could bring some meaningful music into the world. At this point it would basically be all depressing music though.

"Lost and broken,
Hopeless and lonely.
Smiling on the outside,
and hurt beneath my skin.So help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

My eyes are fading,
My soul is bleeding.
I'll try to make it seem okay,
But my faith is wearing thin.

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them up..."
-Wounded by Good Charlotte

Yes, he did need somebody. Of course he had Drake, but Drake didn't seem to give a damn about him. Sometimes Adam felt the only reason Drake wanted to be with him was because of the fame. That was probably true. Adam didn't really care though. If he broke up with Drake, it would be just another person in Adam's life that wouldn't be there for him anymore. Drake almost never was though. And that was fine with Adam.

Everyone always gave him crap about Drake though. Fans, interviewers, and the few friends that he had left. He'd also probably lost half of his fans over coming out, and a good chunk of them once they found out about Drake.


"These eyes
Have seen no conviction
Just lies and more contradiction
So tell me what would you say
I'd say it's time too late....

So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in..."
-Still Waiting by Sum 41

His friends were even becoming more distanced. He'd lost basically all of the ones he'd had before Idol, and only had a few from it. Allison and Kris. That was it. No one else gave a damn about him. He bit his lip thinking about it. Lately Kris and Allison seemed so far away these past few days, for basically no reason either. He hadn't been acting any different around them as he always has. He always acted happy. He almost always had a smile on his face. Is that why they had become so distant? Could they see right through his mask? Could they see right through his pain and suffering? He doubted it. He had been hiding behind that mask since 7th grade. No one had seen through it yet. Or if they had, they didn't care enough to do anything about it.

"I'm strong on the surface,
but not all the way through..."
-Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park

He had thought the fame would help him with that empty feeling he'd always felt. It seemed to just make it worse. He had fewer friends now, and more times he'd have to pretend to be happy. All of those stupid, endless interviews made him want to pull his hair out.

"Here in this crowd I'm feeling all alone
turn me around and point me back to home
I'm getting lost more everyday
and I can't tear myself away...."
-Life On The Moon by David Cook


He knew he needed help. He'd needed it for a while. For YEARS. Before he did something he'd regret. He already had though. He looked down at his left arm - particularly his wrist, and at the multiple scars. Some recent, some not. They went all the way up the inside of his arm though. How no one had noticed them by now was beyond him. They've been there for about 3 years now.

"You'd be surprised what I endure
What makes you feel so self-assured?

I need to find a place to hide
You never know what could be
Waiting outside
The accidents that you could find
It's like some kind of suicide

So what ails you is what impales you
I feel like I've been crucified to be satisfied

I'm a victim of my symptom
I am my own worst enemy..."
-Restless Heart Syndrome by Green Day


It almost wasn't worth it anymore. Life. Death seemed so easy...peaceful almost. Of course he's thought about suicide before. All the time. WAY more than he should. It wouldn't really effect people that much. Of course the fans would be sad at first, but they would eventually find new music to listen to. His family seemed like they wanted nothing to do with him since he became famous. Kris and Allison were so busy with everything they wouldn't even have time to grieve and feel bed. If they knew everything he HAD done though already, they might at least feel a LITTLE bad. Maybe. He wasn't even sure about that though. If his friends knew how he REALLY felt about his life, they'd probably leave him in a heartbeat. Then he'd have no one. No one at all.

Adam clenched his fists. Emotional pain overwhelming him, he walked into the bathroom and took out his razor blade, once again bringing it up to his left wrist and pressing down on the already scarred skin.

"Pain; without love.
Pain; I can't get enough.
Pain; I like it rough,
'Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all..."
-Pain by Three Days Grace


After making a few deep cuts, he set the razor blade back on the bathroom sink, not bothering to put it away. He'd probably use it again soon enough, there was no point. He looked at his now-bloody wrist and sighed. This is what he'd become. He hated himself for it. If not that though, what ELSE would he do? It's better then plenty of things he could've done - or even TRIED to do. He'd been in too many car 'accidents' in these past 3 years to count. He'd never got more than a couple bumps and bruises though, and a few broken arms and ribs. A bloody head once too. Never anything worse though. He'd caused too many car accidents too - walking into the middle of the road directly into oncoming traffic. A car had once swerved to avoid him and collided head-on with a 18-wheeler, killing the driver.

Adam had tried to hang himself after that incident. He didn't have a rope strong enough to hold him though. Every time he could kick over the chair he was standing on, the rope would either break or come untied. He'd thought of shooting himself though, but then he'd have to get a gun. He'd never be able to bring himself to do that.

"I've got troubled thoughts
and a self-esteem to match.
What a catch, what a catch..."
-What A Catch by Fall Out Boy


For now, he was stuck in this miserable, cruel world. For some reason, God wanted him here on Earth - here to suffer. Was something GOOD supposed to happen? Is that why he's still here? Is that why all the attempts of suicide had failed? Or does God have such a cruel, twisted mind that he ENJOYS this. Enjoys watching him SUFFER. Adam didn't know. For now, he was going to get wasted, then crash. Yet again.