A/N: I love writing angsty Dean so here is practically a ficlet of that. If you love Dean like I do I probably wouldn't read this. There's no spoilers for season 9 past episode 1, and Dean thinks that Cas probably died when he watched the angels falling with Sam at the end of season 8. The italics are (obviously) Dean's internal monologue but enough from me, enjoy rate and review :D
They're both gone now. Everybody is gone. I don't think I can bring him back again. I can't make another deal and Cas... well Cas is gone too. My whole family. I'm alone.
Dammit Sammy. I can't blame you for giving up, we've been to hell and back. Literally. I'm so damn tired of this all. I'm not okay and after that nurse turned off those machines I knew I never would be again. I sat with you for hours after, waiting to see if your chest would start moving again. Eventually the nurses made me leave and I swear I cried more tears than I ever have. I came back for you though, gave you a proper hunter's funeral. It killed me inside to watch those flames. They burned hotter than they ever had, as if they felt my pain. I needed to burn too, but the heat of the Scotch is never enough. No matter how much I drink.
All those times you suspected I didn't want to be alone you were right. I can't stand it, hell I fear it. I could never lose you Sammy, my life was to look after you. Protect you. I came to find you in Stamford all those years ago not because I needed your help finding Dad, but because I needed you. You're my baby brother and you always will be.
And Cas. Damn you, you dumb son of a bitch. You were the other one I needed and you left me. When we were fighting to break Naomi's hold on you I told you I needed you. That was true but there was something important I left out: I love you. I've loved you for years, ever since I was sent to the future and met who you could become. It made me appreciate who you were at heart. You saved me but I couldn't save you. I hate myself for it because you were worth so much more than me. You believed in me and I failed you, just like I fail all those around me. I'm sorry.
Dean started the Impala, tears tracking his cheeks and the hum of the engine vibrating through him. God he would miss that; all of the miles he had clocked up since John had given him his baby felt wasted. He tried to tell himself that he had done good but all he could think of was the lives he felt he had ruined. Lisa and Ben's. Sam's. His father's. Hell he even blamed himself for Jess dying. The car began to fog up slowly and the hunter reached for the stereo. Sam had left another Bon Jovi cassette in there again and the chorus to Blaze of Glory came bellowing out of the speakers. It was too much for Dean to handle and he cried harder; he was such a coward he couldn't even go down fighting like he'd always sworn to. He pulled Sam's pearl handled gun out and cradled it to his chest. Despite himself he smiled as he realised his vision was dimming. As the tormented man lost consciousness his last thought was that he would be with Sam and Cas once more.