Disclaimer: This is a Shingeki no Kyojin work inspired by the short story "The Bullfrog and His Shadows" by Bruce Holland Rogers. I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin or any of its characters, or "The Bullfrog and His Shadows". All credit for the characters and situations goes to the rightful owners. The only thing I own is this story.
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"Petra, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"I'm not really as brave as everyone believes."
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Levi and his Shadow
.
People enlist so they can fight alone, then die alone. That seemed to be a given. The ones who joined where usually those who were confused about what they wanted in life, or those who have already given up. You either were ready to throw your life away, or haven't completely realized that it was a very probable risk you took.
Levi was a different story. He was there bound by a sense of responsibility. He had a natural talent.
He became a symbol for hope and the future. Humanity looked up to him as their hero. He worried that if he were to give up, the rest of humanity would begin to give up as well, so he needed to stay and give the others the encouragement to continue to fight.
But who did he have to look up to?
Being number one meant that he knew the limits of humanities power. The others could always say, 'Well I may have lost, but I am not the strongest. Once the guys on top arrive, these titans won't stand a chance.' When Levi fought a losing battle, he knew that he was the absolute best that humanity had to offer. The thing was though; he couldn't let the others know. Again, in order to prevent the others from losing hope, he had to shoulder these truths by himself.
He knew that even the strongest needed comfort sometimes.
He was lucky that there was someone there willing to share his responsibilities.
One of those days when he sat alone in his dark room, trembling from either cold or lack of sleep, or maybe from fear, he heard his door creak open. He didn't bother to look up until he noticed a soft glow of light. Petra light a candle and stood, waiting for him to say something. When he didn't she finally spoke up.
"So, ummm… I noticed you don't seem to be getting much sleep lately, so I decided to check up on you."
"I'm fine."
"No you're not."
"I can't sleep."
"You need to so you can fight tomorrow."
"Maybe that's the reason I can't sleep."
She came up beside him and knelt down. She felt so useless, like there was no way to help or comfort him. She wanted to kiss his face, or embrace his slightly trembling form, or even just reach out and touch his shoulder, but she didn't know if she could. She didn't know if it was appropriate, if he would let her, or if she could even reach him if she did.
She ended up just sitting there beside him quietly; maybe for 20 minutes, maybe for an hour. She didn't keep track. She only watched, and listened to his breaths, hoping that maybe he would be able to relax and get some sleep.
"Petra, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"I'm not really as brave as everyone believes."
"Heichou?"
He sighed, seeming to have calmed down a little bit. "Sorry, I'm sure you already know how hard it is. You have your own problems to worry abou-"
"Let me help you!"
His head snapped up to look at her. Why were her eyes red? Why is she crying?
"Petra, look, you know you have to worry about yourself before you can worry about others."
"I want to be the type of person who puts others before themselves."
"You really need to take care of yourself. Humanity needs you to fight as well. That is your job and that is how you will put others first."
"But you-"
"Petra. No. Just go to bed."
"Why won't you let me help you?" she cried out.
"…"
She hastily wiped at her face trying not to cry.
"Why do you have to try to suffer alone? I'm sure everyone would understand… So why? Why can't I do anything to help you?"
"I won't bring you down with me." His voice was just a whisper.
"Listen, you don't have to carry this burden alone alright? Tell me about it, and I'll split it with you. It's too heavy of a load for just you, but we will both be fine with just half." She smiled brightly through her tears.
He thought for a moment then scoffed at her. He reached up and ruffled her hair.
"Don't you think you're trying too hard?"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Every time more people died, Levi would have expected to slowly become immune to the sadness and pain and sick feeling that you got in your gut. He was good at hiding it, but he still got that feeling every time. It wouldn't go away. It made him anxious and mean and it made him lose sleep. Sometimes he wished he could just give up all feelings. He wished he could become something un-human, just to escape the suffering.
"But you would be just like them then, right Heichou? Just like a titan."
"Isn't that fine though? People only use me as a weapon to fight the titans, and a symbol to keep fighting anyways. I've become a reason for more people to fight and die. I hardly seem human anymore anyways."
"… That's because they don't know you! If they knew you on a personal level I'm sure they would follow you all the same."
"Petra, the only thing that would follow me is my shadow."
"I would still follow you! No matter what you decide, even if you keep admitting to being weak, I would still follow you. Just like your shadow, so please… Please don't push me away anymore."
That is when he finally accepted someone's help for the first time in a while.
"Okay"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
After that, she would visit him often.
When she was done with her own work, right as the sun started setting and the shadows began emerging, she would slip into his room silent as a ghost. More often than not, she would just be there to keep him company. She would sit quietly behind him, just like his shadow.
He would usually be working on some document or another late into the night. She made it responsibility to come in and light a candle for him as it started getting dark.
"You shouldn't work in the dark. You'll ruin your eyes."
Sometimes he would relax enough that he would finally drift off to sleep. Only then, would she extinguish the candle light and slip out to get some sleep as well.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
During the day his shadow became but a small circle beneath his feet. Hardly noticeable at all. Just as when the sun was overhead, nobody seemed to notice. Nobody knew that she was there supporting him quietly.
Every night like clockwork when the sun set, as the shadows started to stretch out along the floor and crawl toward him like the creatures of his nightmares, she went and lit his candle. It was thanks to her that since she became his shadow, he never had to see the dark. She would always light up the room before dark consumed it, and put out the flame after he had gone to bed. When he woke up, the sun was already rising.
Not that he had anything against the dark though: he had become accustomed to the dark, but lately he looked forward to when she would come around and light his candle. The small flame that somehow illuminated the entire room. Not too bright, but just a soft calming glow. Friendly and comfortable.
She reminded him of the candle. He liked flames. They were tidy, and sterile. Very clean. Beautiful but dangerous. Bright like her smile, vivid like her hair, warm like her personality. Beautiful like her.
It really was a shame when one day the flame refused to ignite. Dark started talking over the room, like it was being engulfed in one big shadow. She tried to light the candle many times, but it was burned out to the end of its wick. She grumbled out in frustration.
He came up behind her and embraced her.
"It's alright. I don't need the candle tonight."
"Sorry Heichou… Do you have any more?"
"No, I was going to go out and buy some, but it was postponed because I was preparing for tomorrows mission."
She sighed lightly. "Hmm, well you're not going to be able to work if it's dark…"
He leaned in and kissed the back of her neck.
"It's okay, I won't work tonight. I think we can occupy ourselves with other things."
Her face flushed brighter than a candle.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
That last flame was just as fragile as her life.
The next day during the mission, that last bit of light was extinguished.
At the end of that day, as night fell we wasn't around to see the shadows emerge like he always had. He locked himself up in his room and closed the shutters lightly. The only way he could tell when it was finally night was when those few golden beams of light from the cracks in the shutters faded in with the rest of the darkness in the room.
'It's dark. I can't do work in the dark… The candle.'
He turned around to see the stump of cold melted wax. That candle would never light again.
She would never come into his room and light it for him.
It was all over.
He sat his desk, knowing it would be useless to despair so why not try to get something else done? His eyes strained and burned in the dark as he struggled to read his papers. He worked alone. Maybe he had imagined or dreamed up the events of that day, and any minute now she would show up again with a new candle.
His writing deteriorated with every minute as his hands trembled more, and his eyes still burning from the strain of reading in the dark. He blinked hastily trying to readjust to the dark, but only succeeded in causing himself to tear up. The drops leaked from him eyes and fell onto his papers.
He threw his head back in frustration and gave a shout, flinging his pencil across the room.
"What the hell? I thought you said you were going to be here. Didn't you promise to share this burden with me?"
He leaned sideways out of his chair and knelt on the floor. The more he rubbed at his eyes, the more the cruel friction irritated them. He couldn't stop the tears.
'Just like your shadow, so please…'
The memory of her voice caused him to gasp.
"My shadow?" He murmured coarsely to himself.
His head snaps up as he looks around. He clumsily pushed himself up to his feet, spiraling around; his gaze frantically searching every inch of his room.
Behind him. No. Above him. To the sides. Not there. Below his feet. No. NO!
His shadow is nowhere to be seen.
He stopped himself before he got too dizzy and caused himself to fall over. He stood panting and sweating, alone in the center of the dark room.
'Oh yeah.'
He felt light headed.
'That's right…'
He sank down once again to the floor and laid there defeated.
'Without any light, I don't even have a shadow.'