Chapter 1: Fake Names Count…Right?!
'GRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRR!'
'Stop, she didn't do anything! Stop!'
'Sedate them! They must not escape!'
'Leave us ALONE!'
== Be the scared-shitless boy.
You are now the scared-shitless boy. Holy fuck, how the hell are you not having a heart attack?! Your heart rate is off the charts and you just might pop a blood vessel if you don't calm down!
== Boy, calm down.
After many practiced breathing exercises and thrusting yourself deep into your happy place –overflowing rivers of pudding always does the trick–, you finally calmed the fuck down. Seriously, you should stop falling asleep on the human bed. It's not only uncomfortable, it's also scaring the fucking shit out of you with bad memories. Too bad you can get so tired to the point that you could easily fall asleep while standing up.
Since you calmed down, why don't we give you a name?
== Enter name: Worthless piece of –
BANG!
Oh, what now?
Panicking, you dash out of your room, forgetting to dress, and down the stairs. You head for the basement, already feeling jumpy once you spot a wisp of smoke leaking out of the corner of the door. You then kick the door open, accidently ripping it from its hinges. Fuck, you might have to fix that later… Maybe you can reinforce it as well?... Nah. Too much money, too much time, and no motive what-so-ever to be doing more complicated shit. You might as well just use duct tape for now.
Once you're done contemplating about your door, you bounce down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. When you get down there though, you can't help but groan. In the middle of your trashed lair is a large, burnt-out crater, having a medium sized box covered in multicolored grub sauce handprints… God, you hope that's grub sauce. Oh, look! A note!
== Boy, read.
DEAR Past Me,
YOU'RE probably wondering why I sent you this, and this is really important! HONESTLY! YOU will need these in the future, but not yet! THEY will be of great use in future fights, so remember to keep them in your Strife sylladex. THE gloves have a special function that has random weapons pop out every time you summon these bad boys. BUT, that's only when you put them on the red setting, the green setting just lets you pick which weapon to use (I would recommend the red setting, trust me, it'll be handy). ALSO, make sure to keep an extra pudding cup! BOTH of us will need it…
FROM,
Future You.
P.S: NO… It's not grub sauce…
== Boy, open box.
You got specialized, titanium lined boots and gloves! Shit, you'll feel bad for anyone who gets hit with these things. But, they're so cool! I mean, look at them, they're a silvery black and have chain link sleeves with little skulls on them! They are so badass!
== Boy, put gift in Strife Deck.
You have now equipped the gloves and boots in your Strife Deck. You probably should name them later to describe their bad-assery. Is that a word? Oh, fuck it. It describes them perfectly anyhow.
== Resume introduction.
Oh right! We haven't given you a name yet! To cut to the chase, why don't you tell us your name? We already wasted enough time already!
== Enter name: Jaalas ?
…What's with the question mark?... Oh, you don't have a real last name do you? You flop to the floor in shame, wallowing in self-pity –platonically of course–. You hadn't really gotten a last name since you were orphaned at…one, two sweeps? Oh well, you go by the pseudonym of 'Jack Spicer' anyways, so it's not a big deal, right?...Right?!...We'll just go by Jack Spicer for now.
== Jack, get dressed.
You look down at yourself quickly, blushing like the idiot you are. You were so panicked by the explosion that you forgot you slept naked. Why were you naked? Why? At least you still have your cloaking device on, you'd be screwed if someone found out what you were, especially since you don't really have to same sort of, er, equipment as humans.
After changing into you 'signature' outfit and putting on your makeup, you check your inventory of pudding. You have… only two cups left?! Blasphemy! You now have to order more of the creamy goodness soon, or you'll seriously flip your shit if you went cold turkey on the only thing that's keeping you sane… Well, not the only thing, but you're still having your Transportalizer being made and it hurts when you use your other invention, the … What did you name it again? Anyways, it really hurts and limits the time of your visits, not to mention that it randomizes on what time you are in when you travel with it. Luckily, your visits haven't contradicted in the order of your arrival, so you got to see your best friend grow up… And save his ass when his moirail wasn't there at the moment.
After calling the delivery service for your special brand of pudding, you head back to your room.
Brrriiiing!
Or at least you were. "Damn 'Wu Finder… What is it this time?"
== Jack, view computer.
On the screen shows what looks like a silver window frame with a reflective sheen on the glass. Wow, it looks so… boring. Is this really worthy enough to have your ass kicked? Again? You sigh, knowing the Xiaolin Brats would ransack your mansion again if you don't show up. You really are getting tired of this. I mean, c'mon! Not only do you have to act like a complete obnoxious moron that is too fucking stubborn to quit the impossible task of retrieving 'wu –and constantly getting beat up afterwards despite either outcome–, you have to deal with the Xiaolin Brats constantly robbing you of the wu that you actually won fair and square. It's ridiculous, you thought they were the 'good guys'!
Good guys your white, indecisive ass.
== Jack, get your ass over there.
"Okay, okay! Sheesh." Not really understanding how there's a voice talking to you, you activate your Jack-Bots, go outside, and start up your helipack.
== Skip to two hours later.
Shit! The Xiaolin Brats, Chase, and Wuya is already there! Just your luck! Not only do you receive a beating from twelve year old brats, you get to hear an insult from the local douchebag and have a slutty bitch tell you off even when you aren't working together.
== Jack, suppress urge to sigh sorrowfully.
You barely but surely succeed in suppressing your sigh. Barely. It really is hard to act like a dumbass. It's hard, and no one understands…
Oh, well. Might as well keep the act up!
Giving an obnoxious laugh, you make your entrance. "What's up, Xiaolin losers!?"
"Jack Spicah!" Figures that cheese ball responds first. "Prepare to be defeated!" You roll your eyes, pretty bored of how he keeps on repeating that phrase every. Time. They. Meet. It's bordering dangerously on annoying. "Yeah, yeah, cheeseball. I heard you last time."
You look down at them and realize you made a mistake. You usually would have replied with obnoxious banter before sending the Jack Bots on them. Now they're exchanging confused looks with each other, definitely put off from your behavior.
== Jack, proceed backup excuse.
You quickly rub your forehead exasperatingly, feigning tiredness. "Can we cut to the chase? I woke up with this killer headache and I really want to get back to repairing my Jack Bots." The monks seemed to have taken the bait, though you can see that both Chase and Wuya exchange suspicious glances.
You really hope they don't try anything.
== Jack, look for 'Wu.
Looking around, you see something glittering in the trees. Putting your helipac into full speed, you zoom to the shiny object. "Pchoooooooo!" You have no idea where the hell that came from. You soon see the object that dares call itself a 'Wu. You are excited when you see no one near the piece of shit and reach out desperately towards it. Almost–
God Fucking Dammit! The same cheeseball and Chase have their hands, along with yours, on the stupid thing. You inwardly groan, knowing what this means.
"Gong Yi Tanpai!"
== Jack, proceed to have your ass handed to you.
You succeed at miserably losing the Xiaolin Showdown by being tossed around like a ragdoll and literally kicked out of the fighting ring. You have mixed emotions about this. On one hand, you feel anger for having to act like a total, wimpy dumbass. On another, you feel proud you were able to endure that without fucking it and proceeding to bash their skulls in.
You pick yourself off the ground, grateful that the cheeseball was able to win the 'Wu instead of Chase, mainly because that arrogant douchebag is who you hate more than anything. I mean, seriously, who the hell tries to feed their 'apprentices' to dinosaurs?!
== Jack, listen in.
You are confused for a second. Listen in to what? You look around and spot the Xiaolin Brats talking with their tiny dragon, the cheeseball examining the 'Wu curiously. You hold in a snort. The dragon hadn't told them the shitty object's function yet? You slowly walk towards them unnoticed, either being ignored or in the assumption of being unconscious. Knowing them, you assume the later.
"…so what is this thing anyways?" The scroll that they have is rolled out on the ground infront of them, coming to life and acting out its function. "It's called the Memory Mirror. It actually would give you access to any person's memory by a given name and let you scroll through their lives at will. It came in handy when Dashi forgot where he stashed the other 'Wu."
Your eyes feel like they're gonna pop out of their sockets –you know how it feels well, so you try to calm. You fail miserably to not shake violently. Shit. Shit. Shiiiiit. If they tried calling your name with the 'Wu, you'll be so screwed if they try to get answers.
== Jack, abscond the fuck out of there.
You obey immediately to the weird voice and use your helipac to fly away like hell. When you look back, you don't see them looking back at you, so you think it's safe. But you don't see Chase nor Wuya… You really don't know whether to be relieved or scared shitless.
As you travel, your portable 'Wu finder/watch/walkie talkie/computer gives a loud 'BLEEP!BLEEP!BLEEP!–' yeah, you should probably switch your ringtone sooner or later. The pitch is actually starting to hurt your ears. Scrolling through the apps you installed in your multipurpose wristwatch, you notice someone is trying to reach you in Pesterchum. Opening the window, you break into a full out grin once you see who it is.
== Jack, answer.
- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling whiteChimera [WC] -
CA: hey jaal you there
CA: this is reely important
CA: an i think the room is startin to spin
CA: jaal
WC: YEAH, yeah, I'm here. SORRY for the holdup, I just had to take 'the pill' again.
CA: already
CA: i still don't get wwhy you take that shit or howw the fuck you havvent smashed their faces in yet
WC: IT still remains a mystery. EVEN to me.
WC: ANYWAYS, do you need anything? IT should still be nighttime where you are. ARE you alright?
CA: wwell
WC: WELL…?
CA: imightagotmyselfstuckbecauseiwwasjumpininsideonthatglubforsakentrampolineyousentsoidontknowwhowwtogetdowwnbecausemyscarfhaswwrappeditselfaroundmeandimstartintogetdizzyso
CA: please
After deciphering the mumbo-jumbo that Eridam typed, you burst out laughing. You knew he was going to be a stubborn ass and start jumping on the thing. You just knew it. After calming back down, though still giggling a bit, you get back to your friend, seeing he typed in some more.
CA: you still there
CA: youre laughin your ass off arent you
WC: YEAH, just-
WC: LET me catch my breath.
WC: SO…
WC: YOU want me to come and get you down?
CA: yes
WC: ALRIGHT. JUST let me get to the mansion. I left the teleporting thingy in the reinforced safe.
CA: teleportin thingy
WC: SHUT up! I temporarily forgot what I called it!
WC: ANYWAYS, just hold on and I'll try to arrive around your time….
WC: WHAT is your current time?
CA: oddly twwo perigees exactly from your last livve vvisit
WC: OK! I'M on my way!
- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling whiteChimera [WC] -
== Jack, arrive home.
This place isn't really your home, but you still made it in less than five minutes. Now to business.
You speed down the steps to the basement, soon passing your large computer and taking a sharp turn around the back table before you scoot behind the large cabinet that held all the 'precious' 'Wu. PFFT. Yeah right. You seriously want to know what in the world possessed Dashi to make these shitty things. Maybe you can shove it up his- oh, you're here.
The safe itself isn't really complicated on the outside, but the deceptive thing is actually made up of the hardest materials you know, making up three layers of the 4x4x4 box. You are actually pretty proud of this piece, especially since you actually made this when you were two sweeps old. And you didn't have some shitty book telling you how to make one as well, upping the points of how much you are proud.
After typing in the code –who'd think that you would put 'Fuck Off' as a password– you bring the shitty transporter out. This, now this, is what you're ashamed of. At first, you though it was an ingenious invention, that is, until you actually tried it out.
Taking a deep breath, you set the coordinates, cross your fingers, and activated it.
So how was it? Great, meh, or a piece of crap? This probably will turn into a series, so choose carefully. I want your completely honest opinion, and maybe suggestions when I'm starting to lose inspiration. In the next chapter, I may include Eridan's point of view in order to give a better grasp on what's going on. Anyways, wish me good luck!