I have three exams, a presentation, and an essay in the next two weeks, so the logical thing for me to do is to write more fanfiction. On the bright side, after over five years of being on this site, I finally wrote a profile. Master of procrastination here.
I use she/her pronouns for Ruka.
Ruka has liked Okabe for years. He was one of the first people to accept her for herself, and so she's always tried to support him and help him however she can. Somewhere along the line, though, her admiration of him had changed; she'd fallen in love with. Just being around him, being his friend, is enough, she tries to tell herself. But deep down, she knows it's not true.
Makise Kurisu makes things much more difficult for Ruka. She doesn't dislike Kurisu, that's not it at all. Kurisu is kind, and friendly, if a bit rude sometimes, and she's fun to be around. She wouldn't have a problem with Kurisu except for the way that Okabe acts around her.
It's the way Okabe looks at her—with such deep happiness and love—that she recognizes instantly, because that's how she's been looking at Okabe, whenever she thinks he's not looking. Kurisu is brilliant and confident, everything that Ruka isn't. She and Okabe argue all the time, and Ruka can tell, from the gleam in Kurisu's eyes and the way she laughs, that she feels the same way that he does, even if she won't admit it. It's painful for Ruka to watch, as Kurisu effortlessly glides in and takes what Ruka's been yearning for.
But Kurisu makes Okabe happy, and Mayuri is ecstatic to have another girl around (and even if she wasn't in love with Okabe, anything that would upset Mayuri is off limits). Ruka never wants to see Okabe be upset, but some small, awful part of her seethes with jealousy every time Kurisu comes around, oblivious to Ruka's envy.
Getting the memories from the other timelines doesn't help; in fact, it only makes things worse. The memories of finally being seen as a girl by everybody, and going on a date with Okabe, are too wonderful to be real. And the fact that they're not real, could never be real, on this worldline, makes the crushing disappointment of her unrequited love more painful than ever.
She asks Okabe about the alternate worldliness, her alternate selves (the date they went on, that she remembered as one of the best things that had ever happened to her) and he doesn't deflect the questions, but rather answers them seriously, with the most serious expression she remembers seeing on his face (except for in the alternate worldlines, when he was so worried about Mayuri). She wants to press him further, ask him about Kurisu, but he looks so haunted that she quickly drops the subject.
In the end, she resolves to try to forget about her feelings, and the memories from the alternate timelines. They bring more pain than they're worth, anyway. Letting go of her feelings for the first person who accepted her true self will be difficult, but, seeing how happy he is with Kurisu, she knows it's the right decision. She'll be a good friend to Okabe. At least she can still do that.
I'm so sorry Ruka! I keep talking about how you deserve a happy ending, then I go and make you sad in this oneshot.
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