((HEYO! So I recently realized that I haven't written any Soul Eater fan fiction. I decided to fix that. This is the result. Please enjoy the horror of characters who are overplayed to the point of being OOC for the sake of comedy.))
Maka Gets a Boyfriend at the End of This Story
A Soul Eater Fan Fiction
It was another fine day in Death City, Nevada. Birds were singing, the sun was laughing, and Scythe Meister Maka Albarn was sitting in her apartment instead of enjoying the nice weather.
On a day like today, most students of the Death Weapon Meister Academy, Death City, Nevada, would be out and about, playing sports or hanging out with friends.
But not Maka.
Maka would rather be sitting in the comfort of her home, book in hand and air conditioning roaring.
"Maka," groaned Demon Scythe Soul Eater from the kitchen, "if you're gonna stay inside all day, the least you could do is make some food."
"Make your own food," Maka retorted. "I'm reading."
"You're always reading," said Soul Eater, standing in the door frame to the living room. "The only thing you ever do is read. Why don't you get up and actually do something with your life?"
"I am doing something with my life," said Maka. "I'm nourishing my brain with literature."
Soul Eater gritted his teeth. "That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard," he said. "Now go outside."
"No."
"I'm not even asking you to stop reading," Soul Eater sighed. "I'm just asking you to read outside."
"No," Maka repeated adamantly, "it's too hot. There's AC in here."
Soul Eater rolled his eyes. "Ugh, you're such a pain."
Demon Scythe Soul Eater scratched his chin thoughtfully. Surely, there must have been some way to convince his meister to get up and about, but what was it? Then, Soul Eater got an idea. A horrible, awful, downright moronic idea.
"Maka," said Soul Eater, "do you know what you need?"
"My own apartment?" the meister replied snottily.
Soul Eater shook his head. "No," he chuckled, "a boyfriend."
Scythe Meister Maka's head immediately shot up, her eyes bugging. "What did you just say?"
"You need a boyfriend," Soul Eater repeated, "and I'm going to get you one."
Maka laughed sarcastically, closing her book and setting it on the couch beside her. "Uh, no," she said, "that is not happening. I am not getting a boyfriend, much less one that you suggest."
Demon Scythe Soul Eater snickered. "Aw, that's adorable," he said. "You think you have a choice."
He then forcefully picked her up and carried her out the door. She screamed the whole way.
~ A Scene Transition or Something ~
Demon Scythe Soul Eater nailed a hastily put-together flyer to a lamp post on the streets of Death City, Nevada. Said flyer depicted a cruddy school photograph of Maka and pencil-written advertisements saying that she was single. Demon Scythe Soul Eater snickered maniacally the whole time he did this.
"Soul Eater!" exclaimed Scythe Meister Maka. "Stop that right now! You've made your point!" She held her arms open to the beaming sun, shouting, "O great sun, how beautiful art thou?!" She then swung back around to Soul Eater. "Can we go home now?!"
"Nope!" replied Soul Eater. "Not until we've found you the perfect guy."
"I don't need a boyfriend!" Maka roared. "I don't want a boyfriend! What part of this are you not understanding properly?!"
"The part where you laze around inside with your nose in a book on perfectly nice days like today."
"But it's scorching!"
It didn't take very long for the flyer to begin attracting attention. Unfortunately, this wasn't the kind of attention Soul Eater had been desiring.
"What the heck is this?" queried Shadow Meister Black Star. He laughed, and said, "You're seriously trying to get Maka a boyfriend?! What kind of a guy would want to date Maka?!"
"Now, Black Star," said Shadow Weapon Tsubaki Nakatsukasa, "I'm sure you don't mean that..."
"I totally mean it!" Black Star exclaimed. "I say what I mean and I mean what I say! And I mean it when I say that no guy in his right mind would ever want to date Maka Albarn!"
Tsubaki sighed. "Well, even if you do mean it," she said, "that doesn't mean you should go around saying mean things like that about our friends..."
"No, he's right."
Some confused stares turned to Maka.
"No guy in his right mind would ever want to date me," declared Scythe Meister Maka, "because I am undesirable. We should probably just give up and go back home, because this will go nowhere and we are wasting time."
"Wow, seriously?" questioned Shadow Meister Black Star. "I was trying to insult you."
"I think Maka has very little incentive to be doing this right now," observed Shadow Weapon Tsubaki.
"Incentive or not," said Demon Scythe Soul Eater, "this is for her own good. I am not unlocking the door to our apartment until she is happy with a man."
"Then why don't you be her boyfriend?" asked Black Star.
"Ew, no," said Soul Eater and Maka in unison.
"Besides," Maka growled, "he's part of the problem."
"Well, what about Death the Kid?" Black Star suggested. "He's smart, a good meister, a total snob, just like Maka."
"I'm right here!" Maka exclaimed, and Black Star reveled in his actually successful insult.
"He does seem up your alley, Maka," Soul Eater concurred on the point concerning Kid.
Maka groaned. "I'm not interested in Kid," she said. "Or any boy. Besides, likes repel, and I don't think I could stand to listen to another one of his symmetry rants."
Somewhere, Junior Death God Death the Kid pauses in the middle of one of his usual symmetry rants to his two weapon partners.
"What's the matter?" asks Demon Gun Liz Thompson.
"Someone is talking about me," replies Death the Kid. "Someone... unsymmetrical..."
"If Maka doesn't want a boyfriend, she shouldn't be forced to have one," said Tsubaki. "It's her choice to make, not Soul Eater's."
"Yes, thank you!" Maka cried.
"You're just saying that to defend her," said Black Star, "and the fact that she is completely undateable."
"That's not true!" Tsubaki said. "Maka is smart, nice, cute, and very dateable!" She blushed passively. "But she doesn't want a partner, so she shouldn't have one."
Maka blinked.
"Well, she's gonna have to be dateable," said Demon Scythe Soul Eater, "because she's gonna get a date."
Tsubaki sighed. "Did you hear a word I just said...?"
"Hey, what's going on over here?"
The small group turned to see Witch-Meister Kimial Diehl and her partner Demon Lantern Jacqueline O'Lantern Dupré checking out the Maka-needs-a-date poster.
"Maka's looking for a date?" Jackie questioned.
"Seems like," replied Kim, "but why?"
"Because she needs to step out and smell the roses for once in her life," said Soul Eater, attracting the girls' attention.
"Do you guys have any ideas?" inquired Black Star. "'Cuz we're drawing a blank, and she's being stubborn."
"I'm being stubborn because this is stupid!"
"I can't think of anybody off the top of my head," replied Jackie.
"I can," said Kim. "How about Ox Ford?"
"What?!"
Maka wasn't the only person who said that. At that moment, Lightning King Ox Ford stumbled out from his hiding place behind a random building.
"What were you doing there?!" Kim exclaimed.
"Definitely not following you in case you got in danger so I could be your knight in shining armor, that's for sure!" Ox Ford replied nervously, and Kim gave an exasperated sigh. "Anyway, I'm insulted that you think I would even consider going out with Maka Albarn! She is very out of my league, and I have no interest in someone such as her!"
"Good!" said Maka. "I have no interest in someone such as you!"
"Sounds like we're running out of options," whispered Demon Scythe Soul Eater to Shadow Meister Black Star.
"Yeah, Maka may be undesirable, but she's not completely hopeless," whispered Shadow Meister Black Star to Demon Scythe Soul Eater. "There's got to be somebody who'd be willing to go out with her. Like, maybe if we could blackmail them..."
Maka's eye twitched. "Ox, would you happen to have any books on you?" she asked.
"Of course," replied Ox Ford. "I don't go anywhere without a book."
"Could I see it, please?"
Ox handed the book to Maka. It was a school textbook, hardcover. She then used it to Maka Chop Soul Eater, and then Black Star, before handing it back to Ox and expressing her gratitude.
"Ow," said Soul Eater.
"Hey, I know!" Black Star exclaimed. "That painful hit to the head somehow gave me an idea!"
"Shoot," said Soul Eater.
"Let's set her up on a blind date!" Black Star suggested. "That way the guy doesn't have to know who he's dating! It's the perfect plan!"
"Are we sure this is a good idea...?" Tsubaki questioned.
"No," Maka growled, "no we aren't."
"Hey, I know the perfect guy, too!" Kim added. "He won't suspect a thing!"
"Oh my god," Jackie snorted, "I think I know who you're talking about."
"Just as long as he's decent," said Soul Eater. "I don't want some grungy jerk talking up my meister."
"Oh, don't worry about that," Kim assured. "He's probably a better person than Maka."
"You all keep talking about me like I'm not right here!"
"Alright, then it's settled!" Black Star exclaimed. "Tonight, we commence operation Get Maka A Boyfriend!"
"Hooray!" cheered Soul Eater and Kim.
Maka buried her face in her hands. "My life is over." Tsubaki patted her on the back solemnly.
~ Another Scene Transition I Guess ~
That night, Scythe Meister Maka found herself in a make-shift restaurant, AKA Black Star and Tsubaki's dining room with a sheet draped over the table and some candles to solidify the "romantic" atmosphere. She hadn't even bothered changing out of her attire from earlier, mostly because Soul Eater wouldn't give her the key to their apartment, also because she didn't care. She had found herself sitting across from Pot Meister Kilik Rung, who was wearing his usual attire and a messy bow tie. He looked even less comfortable than Maka did. Pot of Fire was playing a peaceful tune on a small violin while Pot of Thunder pretended to take the "happy couple's" order, even dressed with a fake curly mustache.
"So how did Kim get you to do this?" Maka asked flatly.
"She threatened to text my grade school photos to the entire academy..." Kilik sighed.
Shadow Meister Black Star strutted into the room, carrying two plates and wearing a mustache of similar caliber to Thunder's. "Dinner is served," he said in a cruddy Italian accent before running back to watch the chaos unfold with the others.
On each plate was a ham sandwich.
They were literally just a piece of cold cut ham between two slices of white bread.
Maka sighed. "Look, Kilik," she said, "I appreciate the effort, but I'm just not interested."
"Oh, good." Kilik heaved a sigh of relief. "You said it first."
"So does this mean you're not gonna make out?" Black Star called from the other room.
"This isn't going to work out, guys!" said Maka. "Just shut it down already!"
"You heard her," came Shadow Weapon Tsubaki's voice, which was met with groans of disappointment. The lights came back on, and Black Star, Tsubaki, Soul Eater, Kim, Jackie, and Ox Ford stepped into the dining room. Ox Ford looked like he wasn't sure what he was doing there.
"Aw, man!" Kim exclaimed. "I was so sure that would work."
"Maybe Maka really is hopeless," Soul Eater sighed.
"Or maybe I just don't want a boyfriend!"
Kilik glanced around awkwardly. "So, uh... can we go, or...?"
"Rome wasn't built in a day," said Jackie, "and love can't be made in one."
"There has to be some other way!" said Black Star determinedly. "Maybe we can sign her up for a dating website or something."
"My cousin met her husband on a dating website," said Ox Ford.
"That may actually work..." said Soul Eater thoughtfully.
Tsubaki looked to Maka nervously. The short-fused meister was grinding her teeth.
"We might have to be a little creative with the profile though," said Black Star.
"Maybe we could say that she's foreign," Kim suggested. "How good is her Russian accent?"
"Does she have any talents other than reading?" Ox Ford inquired.
"I'm gay!"
One of the strings on Fire's Violin sprung. The room went silent.
"What did you say?" Soul Eater asked in confusion.
"I'm gay," Maka repeated, now standing, her chair knocked over. "I like girls, okay?" She tidied her outfit, face flushed, before continuing, "I didn't want to tell you because I figured you'd make fun of me, since you're always looking for new insults."
Black Star scratched behind his ear.
"But you didn't give me much of a choice there," Maka sighed, "and I guess you had to find out eventually."
Nobody said anything for a few seconds. Kim and Jackie exchanged glances, and Kilik sat obediently in his seat for fear of what was coming next.
"Seriously...?" Black Star eventually spoke.
Maka scowled. "What?" she asked.
Black Star chuckled, which Maka hadn't been expecting. "You thought we would make fun of you for that?!" He laughed louder. "Ha, you're kidding! Why would we make fun of you because you're gay? That's just mean!" He elbowed Tsubaki in the ribs, and she squeaked. "Tsubaki's gay, too!"
"You didn't need to tell everyone that..." Tsubaki whimpered, covering her face.
"Yeah, half of my friends are lesbians!" Kim added. "That's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Though I can't say I blame you," said Ox Ford, "for thinking Soul Eater and Black Star would use that as another excuse to harass you."
Maka's expression softened. "I... didn't think you would all be so supportive," she said.
"Why wouldn't we be?" said Jackie.
"It doesn't make you any less normal than the rest of us," said Kilik.
Fire and Thunder gave thumbs-ups of approval.
Soul Eater approached Maka, and she looked at him cautiously. "I wish you would have told me sooner," the weapon said.
"Why's that?" asked the meister.
Soul Eater grinned. "Because then I could have advertised you for a girlfriend instead."
Maka roared her distaste and started towards the door.
"Oh, come on!" Soul Eater exclaimed. "We make fun of you and you get mad, we don't make fun of you and you still get mad, what do you want from us!"
Maka grumbled when she realized the door was locked. Tsubaki walked to stand beside her. As she slid the key into the lock, she whispered, "If you want, I could take you to lunch tomorrow. To make up for... this."
Maka ran her fingers through her hair nervously. "Er, yeah," she replied. "I'd like that."
Soul Eater and Black Star looked to each other curiously.
~ Last Scene Transition Probably ~
It was another fine day in Death City, Nevada. Flowers were blooming, the sun was snoring, and Scythe Meister Maka Albarn, as usual, had her nose stuck in a book. However, this time she had her nose stuck in a book outside on a park bench.
As the boys played basketball on the court before them, Shadow Weapon Tsubaki sat down beside Maka. "What are you reading?" she queried.
"Oh, just a book that my papa got me," the meister replied. "It's called 'Boyfriend,' and it's about this really passive girl who has this really sweet boyfriend and realizes she doesn't feel the same way about him, but doesn't know how to turn him down. It's kind of short, but it's pretty okay so far."
"Sounds interesting," said Tsubaki with a smile.
On the court, Demon Scythe Soul Eater and Shadow Meister Black Star paused their game to observe their partners. "Well, it didn't go according to plan," said Black Star, "but you got her to come outside, right?"
Soul Eater nodded. "Yeah." He watched Maka further explain her reading to Tsubaki. She was smiling. "She seems happy," said Soul Eater, recalling the grim expression his meister had been wearing just the other day. "That's what's important." He smirked, adding, "But I'm never gonna let her forget that I was totally right about her needing to get out more."
And thus ends another misadventure of the students of Death Weapon Meister Academy, Death City, Nevada.
((Maka is lesbian and nothing will ever convince me otherwise.
This was fun. I might write in this style again sometime.))