Title: (kiss me) under the light of a thousand stars
Rating: K
Spoilers: Anything up to 3x15
Summary: She hasn't seen him in at least two weeks. They have drifted so far apart these past few months, it's as if an ocean has formed between them. She is desperately wishing for a life raft. Future fic (not-so-distant)! Spoilers up to 3X15. Title borrowed from "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran.
A/N: I have to say, I've been sorely disappointed with the way the show is going right now, especially Felicity. I don't hate her for sleeping with Ray. I mean, I hate her and Ray the way that I hated Oliver and Sara. I knew that they weren't right for each other, but I knew why they were together. But I miss the fun, bright, rambling Felicity. I want her back. Just saying…
(kiss me) under the light of a thousand stars
He is staring at her from across the room. She can feel the heat of his gaze where it touches her flesh. It isn't unusual, this feeling, this knowledge that she is being watched. The connection that they share has existed for so long that she cannot pinpoint the exact moment when she realized that it was there. It is alive, like a spark of electricity that travels between them, a current that cannot be severed.
She chooses to ignore the pull, turning instead to smile at her date. Ray smiles in return.
"Everything okay?" he asks, his thumb skimming across the back of her hand, "You seem distracted."
She shrugs, "Everything is fine. Great, actually. I was just… admiring the turnout."
Ray beams proudly and casts a glance around the room. She has to admit, his charity gala – a Halloween-themed costume ball – seems to be a hit. She hates these functions, has always hated them, and just because she is there as Ray's date and not the CEO's executive assistant hasn't changed that. This isn't the first function of this kind that she has attended with him but there is a niggling feeling in her gut that tells her it will be the last.
Things are changing.
They have been together for months, eight almost to the day, but she has felt herself pulling away from him. It isn't intentional – hadn't been at first – but she knows that she will never truly be happy with him. She tried to be, tried to push down the feelings she'd never confessed to the dark recesses of her heart, but no matter how hard she tries to fight it, they're still there. She cannot love one man when her heart has belonged to another for longer than she cares to admit.
"And I lost you again, didn't I?"
She blinks up at Ray, momentarily confused, and shakes her head.
"I'm sorry. I guess I am distracted. I saw a friend earlier and I need to –"
"Oliver just stepped out onto the balcony. Go, have the talk that's been playing on repeat in your head all night."
Surprise and embarrassment crash into her and she flushes. Ray simply smiles again and drops a kiss to the top of her head. He leaves her at their table. For a long moment, she sits in silence. She is gathering her thoughts, her wits, her courage.
Eventually she makes her way through the crowd on the executive floor of Palmer Technologies and steps outside. Oliver is leaning against the rail, his eyes directed to the city below, and he doesn't flinch as she approaches. They are alone.
"Hi."
"Hey."
"Did you – are you here alone? I thought you would've brought Laurel or Thea. I know you hate coming to these things by yourself."
He shrugs, "Laurel is with Ted. He got back into town last night. Thea is busy at the club, I didn't want to bother her."
"Oh."
She tries to think of something to say that won't sound absurd but her brain is short circuiting.
"Well thank you for coming. You didn't have to but I'm sure Ray appreciates the support."
He turns to her and she takes the tiniest step closer to him. She hasn't seen him in at least two weeks. They have drifted so far apart these past few months, it's as if an ocean has formed between them. She is desperately wishing for a life raft.
"Oliver, I –"
"Felicity –"
She laughs and he smirks and she's stepping closer to him again. The magnetic pull between them is undeniable. They are close enough now that she can feel the heat of his body warming the air around her.
"How have you been?" she asks him.
He shrugs, "Honestly?"
She nods.
"I've missed you."
His confession is so quiet that she thinks that he didn't mean for her to hear. But she did and his words cause her heart to erupt in her chest. They have so much to work through, so many differences to overcome. She is still with Ray. He is still battling his demons.
"Oliver, I… what's changed?"
He shrugs, "I don't know. I'm still me. I'm the same man that I've always been, stubborn and overbearing. I'm trying to work through it all. But I know that I hate who I am without you. Felicity, you have been the one person that I could always trust, both to stand by me when I needed the support and to knock me off of my high horse when I let my head get too far up my ass. I'm lost without you. I've been lost and I hate the way that it makes me feel when you aren't with me."
She blinks back the tears that suddenly burn her eyes and glances down at her hands.
"But your happiness comes first. If you aren't happy working with me – with us – then I won't ask you to come back. And if you're happy with Ray, then I –"
He cuts himself off, taking a slow breath, and she lifts her face to search his eyes. The love that she finds in them is familiar, it is real and undeniable, and for the first time she hopes that he can see her own emotions as clearly as she sees his.
"I wanted to be," she says slowly, softly, her voice shaking, "I wanted to be happy with Ray. And maybe, for a little while, I was. But I – I can't get past how I feel about you. We never had a chance. You never gave us a chance and then when you were ready… I wasn't."
He nods in understanding and turns back to look out over the darkened streets of a city that they have worked so hard to save. She steps to the railing beside him and rests her elbows there. The air this high up is cold and crisp and it pulls wisps of hair from her ponytail. She shivers slightly.
"And now?" he asks without looking at her, "Are you ready now?"
She shrugs, "I think I might be."
He sighs but she sees one corner of his mouth turn up. She hopes that it is a good sign.
"What's changed?"
He parrots the question back at her and she knows that she deserves it. She takes her time in answering because she isn't sure how to explain it to him. She doesn't know how to tell him why she pulled away from him in the first place. She doesn't want to fight with him, she only wants him to understand.
"I was afraid. I was afraid that you didn't value your own life. You were always so willing to die for this cause, for this city. And you did. When you didn't come home, when Merlyn told us that you had died, I –"
Her voice cracks and she knows that he hears it. She sees his shoulders tense but he doesn't interrupt.
"We lost Sara and then – and then you were going and I knew I wouldn't see you again. I told you once that I couldn't lose anyone else," she murmurs, "And you left me anyway. I was so angry at you for going. And not because I didn't understand what you were fighting for. I know that you wanted to protect Thea, that you will do anything you can to protect her, but I – you left, Oliver. You chose to walk away from what we had and you sacrificed yourself. You did it without thinking about how your death would affect the rest of us. Thea would've been safe if you had died on that mountain, sure, but she would've been broken. She would've been an orphan. Her mother and her father, both of her brothers, everyone in the world that she loves would have been gone."
She is not at all surprised by the tears that fall from her eyes as she presses on. He continues to stare out at Starling City but his back is ridged, his jaw locked. Her words are making him uncomfortable.
"John has already lost one brother and when we found out that you weren't coming home, it was like he'd lost Andy all over again. Not that I was there when that happened, but you know what I mean. He loves you like a brother. You are his family. We are all a family. You didn't take one second to think of how any of us was supposed to get by without you. You told me you loved me, Oliver. It was the last thing you said to me before you went off to die. And you didn't – I didn't…"
She cannot get her next thought out past the lump in her throat. Angry tears flow freely from her eyes now and she swipes at them in annoyance. When he finally turns to face her, she sees that his own eyes are damp. He doesn't reach for her, keeps a respectable distance between them, but she feels him all around her.
"I get an idea in my head and I can't let it go. I thought that saving my sister was the most important thing. You're right, I would do anything for Thea. And I thought that, in order to protect her, I had to be willing to give up everything. But losing you, watching you walk away from me the night that I came home…"
His hand touches her cheek, a static spark shocking her and she fights her urge to step closer.
"The last thought that crossed my mind before Ra's kicked me off of that mountain? It was of you. Of that day in the hospital when Sara was born. All I could think about was how much I regretted letting you go then. When I was recovering, I dreamed of you. I dreamt that I had let you talk me into staying. That you had convinced me there was another way to save my sister. And maybe if I had stopped and listened to you that night, I would've stayed and things would've turned out differently for us."
She shakes her head slowly and brushes the rest of her tears away.
"Maybe we needed this," she tells him, "Maybe you and I needed this time apart to figure out what really matters to us. I thought that I needed a relationship with someone who was safe. Something that was… that was going to be easy. And with Ray, it was easier, sure. It is easier. But I'm not going to settle for a relationship that doesn't make me happy."
He gazes at her for what seems like forever, silent but critical, and she waits for him to say something. She waits for him to acknowledge what it is she's trying to tell him.
"You're still with Ray. You haven't ended things with him," he states.
She shrugs, "He encouraged me to come out here and talk to you. I think he knows that it's over. But I'm going to tell him. I – I want to explain. He's been amazing, supportive, but I think on some level, he's always known that it wouldn't last. He sees the way we are together. He understands. He told me once, not in so many words, that you and I remind him of him and Anna, his – you know. When he said it, I didn't understand. Now I do. He can see how much I love you."
She shrugs again.
"I love you the way that Ray loved Anna. That kind of love doesn't just… go away."
Silence settles over them again and it unnerves her. She can feel herself growing anxious as she waits for Oliver's reply. She hadn't intended for their conversation to become a declaration. She had merely wanted to have their relationship go back to the way that it was because – God – she had missed him. But everything she had been dying to say, everything she had realized in the past few weeks, had come rushing out of her and she hadn't been able to stop it. She waits a beat longer, willing herself not to walk away.
"I realized a long time ago that I would never love anyone the way that I love you," he finally admits, "And that realization scared the hell out of me. It still does. But I don't want to keep putting off the life that I want. And I want it, Felicity. I want to live it with you."
They step into each other at exactly the same moment. Her arms are around his neck, his around her waist and he lifts her off of her feet. Tears are in her eyes again as she hides her face in his shoulder.
"I'm sorry it took me so long," she breathes, "I love you, Oliver."
He laughs, the sound so unfamiliar but so missed that she almost chokes on her tears.
"I love you, too, Felicity."