Yay, I finally finished it! I'm still getting used to these characters and a lot of it is my own interpretation, so its not perfect (but then neither are our boys...). The Emmerdale fandom has completely blown up on tumblr these past few months, and I'm so grateful that we have such a clever, lovely, respectful group of people. So I thought I'd write something for it. Warnings for mention of self-harm and suicide, but its only a couple of times and it doesn't actually happen in any of the scenes. Enjoy, and as always, please let me know what you think.
Dee xxx
"I have to go," Aaron shook his head, his eyes still fixed wide on Katie's lifeless body, filled with tears that just weren't falling, breath catching and tightening in his throat "my mum," he said, swallowing the bile rising at the back of his throat "I have to go"
"Andy," Robert's voice cracked as the realisation dawned on his face "fuck"
"Robert," Aaron breathed, both of them seconds away from panic attacks "Rob, we need to-"
"The ambulance will be here soon," he said, keeling over slightly, hands braced on his knees as he urged.
It was all Aaron could do to place a hand between Rob's shoulder blades and blink, hot, heavy tears finally rolling down his cheeks, catching in his stubble, the reality of the situation aching like there was a tight, bony hand wrapped around his gut, squeezing.
"There's a car," Robert managed to choke out when he got himself upright again, face tracked with his own tears, blue eyes more terrified than ever.
Just at that moment, Andy came crashing through the old door, knocking it half off of its hinges. He yelled out Katie's name helplessly as his eyes landed on her grotesquely vacant form. Robert blocked his brother's path but he fought against the hold, dropping beside her, sobbing deafeningly. Aaron went straight to Chas as she followed in Andy's wake, and she started screaming, struggling against her son as he cried, trying to ignore his own pain over hers. Eventually she collapsed into Aaron's arms, gagging and coughing and whimpering and shaking her head, left of her face pressed against his shoulder, nails digging into his skin.
"Shh," he soothed shakily, cradling the back of her head "shh"
It was two hours before Robert saw Chrissie. He was utterly defeated and exhausted, his blazer covered in dust, his hair messy, cheeks streaked with tears, eyes absent and lost. He just stood there whilst she screamed and hit him and cried and threw things. He wasn't sure if it was a relief when she calmed down. They sat there then, in the living room, for hours, in the quiet.
"When did it start?" she asked finally, voice broken and quiet. There was a harshness to the syllables that made him flinch, but he answered her anyway.
"After the robbery," he said, still staring into space "I staged it. Aaron was part of it. It started just after that"
"Why?" she breathed devestatedly, looking at him as though he were a complete stranger to her.
"I don't know," he said honestly, his eyebrows flicking upward for a second before he swallowed and blinked, another couple of tears dripping unceremoniously down his face "it's been a while since…"
"Since you fucked a man?" she spat, glaring at him, looking as though she was going to be sick.
"Come on now, Chrissie," he drawled blandly, jaw tight "queerphobia doesn't suit you-"
"Are you gay?" she cut across him.
"No," he replied solidly "I love you"
"Bullshit," she shouted, causing him to flinch again. A moment later, her voice was quiet again "you don't love anyone but yourself"
"I – that's not true," he said, closing his eyes softly for a second, breathing in deeply "I swear I love you, Chrissie. But Aaron-"
"Aaron is what?" she demanded sharply "what is he, Robert?"
"He's new," he blurted, blinking "he's – I've never met anyone like him before. He's… I think-"
"Don't tell me you love him too?"
"I don't know!" Robert shouted, feeling nauseous again "I don't know. Maybe. But I love you," he said "I know that. Not that it matters now, its okay," he said solemnly, finally turning his head and meeting her eyes "I know you're going to leave. You should, you – you deserve better"
She stared at him for a little while longer before she gulped hard on the lump in her throat and squeezing her eyes shut tight, before nodding once, standing abruptly.
"Yes," she said "I do. And so does Aaron"
And then she left the room. He heard her going upstairs, her footsteps light. He sat back against the sofa and closed his eyes, listening to her movements, trying to commit them to memory. He knew he'd never hear them again.
A little while later she moved into the hallway, suitcases full to the brim with her's, Lachlan's, and Lawrence's belongings. She didn't even pause in her ministrations to say words of goodbye, and in his mind, he knew he didn't deserve them. Instead, she loaded her car with the cases, and drove away.
"So," Adam said, smirking as he plonked himself down on the sofa beside Aaron, throwing both of his legs over his lap "Robert Sugden, ay?"
"Oh, do one if you're going to piss me off," Aaron grumbled moodily, adjusting his own legs slightly beneath Adam's, stretching them out and resting them on the coffee table in front of him.
"Hey, I'm not judging, mate. You know I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do," he grinned, opening the giant bag of crisps he'd obviously nicked from behind the bar before venturing through the back of the pub "all I give a shit about is you," he said, offering the bag to Aaron, who waved him down, still looking very grumpy and stubbly "and whether you're going to be alright"
"I'll be fine," he huffed, shifting a little under Adam's reproachful expression "seriously, I'm fine, stop fussing, you're as bad as mum"
"But not as bad as Paddy, I'll bet," Adam chuckled, not looking completely convinced by Aaron's brush off, but relaxing a little more nonetheless, popping a nik nak in his mouth. Aaron seemed to relax a little as well, sitting back further against the sofa cushions and resting his hands on top of Adam's legs, dropping his head back and closing his eyes.
"He keeps talking about how he's a safe place and how I can always talk to him if I want to," Aaron said, a frown furrowing his brow. Adam smiled, affectionately nudging Aaron in the stomach with his knee.
"You know he's just looking out for you, mate," he reiterated everything everybody had been telling Aaron for the past week and a half. Eleven days. It had been eleven days since the almost-wedding, since Chrissie had found out about the affair, and since she'd left the village with her father, and her deranged little bastard of a kid in tow. Eleven days since he'd heard from Robert.
The village gossip had told him all he needed to know about Rob's whereabouts. He was still up at home farm, probably until someone went up there to kick him out by the designer boots. Aaron didn't want to think about what Rob was doing up there, what state he was in, or what was going through his head. It fucking terrified him, and really, when he considered it, not having a solid idea of where their relationship was at, was much better than actually having to hear Rob inevitably telling him that it was over between them.
He was trying to give the idiot blonde some space to get himself together, he really was. But it was turning out to be one of the biggest headfucks of his life, which was really saying something.
"Have you… did you ever tell Robert, about everything?"
"Never came up," Aaron sighed, bringing his head forward again and leaning over Adam's legs to pick up his mug of tea from the table, settling back down immediately.
"You know it'd probably help if you did"
"Oh yeah," Aaron remarked bitterly "hi Rob, by the way, I killed my disabled boyfriend two years ago, tried to kill myself, and then went on the run for eighteen months in France. You still want to fuck? That'll go down well"
"Hey!" Adam scolded, throwing a nik nak at him "c'mon, I thought we were past the whole self-loathing, brooding thing. Actually," he reconsidered "scratch that, we're talking about you, the brooding is never ending"
"I'll tell him if he ever bothers to call," Aaron replied blandly, sipping at his tea, glaring at his phone where it sat on the table beside his feet, as though it was mocking him.
"Don't be a pussy, Aaron," Adam smirked again "you should have learned by now that sitting there staring at the phone makes you worse"
"I'm aint a pussy!" Aaron insisted, looking outraged "but I'm not stupid enough to try and get him to talk to me right now. He's as bad as me when it comes to dealing with bad stuff"
"Two peas in a pod then, aren't ya?" Adam continued, still looking slightly amused "alright then, give it a few more days, and if he doesn't get in touch, me and you'll drive up there and sort him out, yeah?"
Aaron opened his mouth to protest but Adam threw another nik nak at him and it landed straight on his tongue, both boys too shocked and impressed by it that they couldn't say anything else.
It was worse than anything Aaron had been picturing when they got there. In the end, he'd given into Adam's insistent nagging the way he always did, and they'd driven up to home farm the following morning, a Saturday, so that none of them had to think about going to work.
He grimaced as he stepped over empty beer cans on his way in through the front door. The house was dark, even though the sun was up outside, and all of the curtains and blinds were shut. It also smelt of stillness, and dust. Robert had fired the cleaning lady then.
"Rob?" Aaron called out sceptically, a frown creasing his brow, his every movement careful and cautious, the worry for his lover's safety over-taking the anxiety in his chest caused by the unclear nature of their relationship. He didn't give a shit that he was probably about to get his heart broken, he just wanted to know that Robert wasn't dead or badly injured.
"Suggers?" Adam yelled behind him and Aaron turned his head slightly, glaring at him.
"Shut the fuck up, you idiot!" he hissed "and let me do the talking"
"That's a first," Adam muttered as they continued to step slowly through the house. They checked the kitchen, which smelt worse than the living room. There were dirty dishes piled up in the sink, but they hadn't been touched or added to in a few days, and there were still banners of congratulations and celebration strewn over some of the surfaces. Aaron's concern grew when he noticed the smashed wine glass on the floor, and the spots of blood smeared over it.
"Shit," Adam breathed, flanking him, for the first time, really seeing how bad everything had gotten for himself.
"Yeah," Aaron replied quietly "welcome to the club"
They checked the other living room, and that was when Aaron felt himself able to properly breathe again. Robert was sprawled out, slumped across one of the satin fabric sofa's, eyes dark and sunken and half-lidded, slack jawed and raspy breathed, clearly heavily inebriated and barely with it.
Aaron's shoulders significantly lowered and he closed his eyes for a moment, running a hand through his hair and biting his bottom lip before he moved to crouch beside the sofa, swallowing tightly and reaching out to brush a strand of dirty blonde hair from Robert's pale face. Immediately his eyelids fluttered slightly and his pupils seemed to come into focus once more. A small, weak, dull smile cracked Robert's lips and Aaron blinked away a stinging hot wetness in his own eyes. Adam perched on the coffee table directly behind them and sat forward.
"Greasemonkey," Rob's strained, terrifyingly quiet voice greeted.
"You're an dick," Aaron managed, shaking his head and huffing, pushing the urge to breakdown to the back of his mind, and taking Robert's arm, pulling him upwards, throwing it over his shoulders, wrapping his other arm around the blonde's alarmingly thin waist and hiking him up to full height. Aaron had to take most of his weight, and the overwhelming stench of alcohol and cigarette smoke practically radiating from Robert's body told him that the situation was a fuck load more serious that he was appropriately reacting to.
"Help me get him in the car," Aaron said to Adam, who stood and immediately followed them outside. They got Rob into the back seat, Aaron sliding in beside him to keep him propped upright, whilst Adam got into the front and automatically started the engine, driving them, without question, straight to the hospital.
Aaron swallowed tightly and sat forward, dragging his nails through his hair over his scalp, shaking with the resurfacing of the repressed urge to use his fingers to scratch at his skin, as the itch to do so always did when he was emotional or very worried.
Robert Fucking Sugden. Really, Aaron thought, he should have learned a long time ago that getting involved with the Sugdens never did him any good. It just caused him a lot more trouble than he needed, and left him angrier and more upset than he was beforehand.
As if on cue, Vic came crashing through the door of Rob's hospital room, breathless, windswept, and terrified. She went straight to Aaron as he stood up, dragging him in tight, gasping loudly and burying her face in his shoulder, clearly just as out of her mind with worry as he had been just hours ago. Despite his better judgement, he couldn't stop himself from holding her just as tightly, swallowing the lump in his throat again and squeezing his eyes shut to get rid of the stinging tears welling.
"How is he?" she asked, her voice strained and broken as she pulled away a moment later, moving to stand beside her brother's body, her hand slipping into his, a few tears dripping down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped them away with her other hand like they had offended her, and struggled to get her breathing under control. Aaron, suddenly feeling like he had to take a step out of their bubble, opted for leaning against the wall at the foot of Rob's bed, crossing his arms over his chest and shrugging.
"Alright," he replied shortly, sighing "they had to pump his stomach"
"So not alright then," she snapped slightly, although she didn't take her eyes off her brother, wetting her chapped lips with the tip of her tongue and shaking her head, bringing his knuckles up to her mouth and pressing a hard, lingering kiss to them. Aaron looked away from them for a moment, willing himself to keep it together as his chest contracted and he drew in a shuddery breath.
"He's sleeping it off now," he added when he felt like his voice was solid enough to speak "they're keeping him in to see if there's any lasting damage to his liver, but they don't think it's likely"
"I've been trying to call him all week," she breathed, shaking her head again and not bothering to wipe away the tears this time "the stupid pillock wasn't answering his phone. I had no idea he was this bad"
"He's a selfish asshole," Aaron said, staring at Robert's sleeping, pale face "I swear he doesn't give a shit about what this kind of thing does to the people who care about him"
"Remind you of anyone?" Vic said, although the venom had gone from her voice again and she was looking at him sadly with one raised eyebrow, bottom lip quivering slightly as she tried to keep herself from crying too much. Dammit. She'd always been able to see right through him. It was why he'd always loved her so much. Why he had gone back to her so many times when they were younger, and why he was still friends with her now, even after four years.
"Aaron what is going on with him?" she asked eventually, helplessness shining in her eyes "I mean, I know he's not the nicest of people, but he's too far up his own ass to be so self-destructive"
"You thought the same thing about me," he said blandly, shrugging again and rolling his tongue around his mouth, rolling his eyes when she fixed him with a reproachful glare "I don't know why you think I know more about him than you do"
"You're the one that's been having the gay love affair with him!" she exclaimed loudly. He narrowed his eyes at her and dropped his arms to his sides, stepping forward again.
"He's not gay," Aaron said.
"What?" she frowned tearfully, nonplussed.
"He's not gay," he repeated "he's bisexual. And god help the stupid idiot, he actually loved Chrissie"
"So he cheated on her?" she countered, still looking confused, irritated, and sad all at once.
"It's not that simple," he insisted distractedly, his eyes settling on Rob's inanimate face again "he… fuck, I don't know what he feels about me. I think he cares. But he's so bloody cryptic sometimes, I was never sure. I think it has something to do with her money. He liked-"
"He liked being rich," Victoria sighed, recognition flickering across her face "he's always had a thing for power trips and being on top"
"Tell me about it," Aaron muttered, and for a second, Vic's lips twitched and amusement flashed across her features, but instead she glared at him again. Clearly it was not the appropriate time for sexual innuendos "I don't know!" he said exasperatedly, gesturing wildly towards the bed "this is Robert we're talking about, who the fuck ever really knows how he actually feels about anything?"
"He obviously likes you," she said, blinking a few times and pursing her lips, looking down at him again and squeezing his hand "he wouldn't risk his relationship with Chrissie and all that money and power for no reason"
"To be honest," Aaron said exhaustedly, leaning against the wall again and tucking his arms over his chest once more "I'm getting really tired of trying to tell myself that to make myself feel better about it. Truth is, I thought I was going into this with my eyes open, but being the mug that I am, I went and fell in love with him, didn't I?" his voice was quiet now, and broken. He looked small and scared and had the peachy appearance of someone who was truly fed up of a situation they had no idea how to get themselves out of "and now I have no idea how to shake him"
He could feel her looking at him as he determinedly stared at the floor, trying to calm the beating of his heart, knowing she was trying to process everything. It was a wonder they'd both ended up here in one piece. It wasn't like they'd had the tamest lives in the time they'd known each other. Victoria was every bit the ridiculous, clever, hot-headed little drama queen he'd met when he came to Emmerdale, as one juvenile delinquent to another.
As much as his life would probably be a lot quieter without the Sugden siblings, it would certainly be a lot different, and probably nowhere near as exciting or interesting. Aaron had lost his virginity to Victoria, even if he had been in denial, and she'd been there for him whenever he'd needed her the most.
And in the past few months, since returning to this ridiculous village, he had somehow fallen in love with her brother, who was just as partial to dramatic flair, but had more of a sadistic streak.
Not that Aaron could say much; he remembered that urge. The kind of vindictiveness born from prolonged pain and confusion, the spikes of rage that narrowed themselves into schemes of destruction. He remembered how much he himself used to want to hurt others so they would know how it felt to be him. He remembered feeling, just for a few seconds, the agony in his bones leaking out of him in the form of somebody else's tears. The only problem was, Aaron had not been able to keep it up or commit to it. He was too inherently, irritatingly compassionate.
In the end, he'd directed his need for an outlet at himself, and had made it so that there was this dormant little place at the back of his mind that, despite now being recovered, would always crave that extra kind of release, that flashbulb memory of hurting himself on the outside to dull the ache on the inside.
So he could understand at least a little of what made Robert act out so mindlessly sometimes, what made him so much of a Narcissist.
But Aaron had fallen in love with the other things. The sweet Robert who had held him without him needing to seek out that comfort, the Robert who had played with his hair in bed in a post fuck haze, fingers tracing patterns on his skin, lips drawing soft, wet trails along the line of his neck. Those smiles reserved for Aaron and Aaron only, the way those ridiculous blue eyes lit up when they first settled on him, no matter how many times they saw each other, and subconsciously calmed and shined with fondness every time a nickname for him tumbled from Robert's lips. He had fallen in love with the person Robert was with him and him alone, and he wasn't stupid, he knew that person felt it too.
But Aaron wasn't good at words. He couldn't tell Victoria all of that. He couldn't say it out loud. She'd tease him about being soft and weak; it threatened the walls he put up to keep this exact type of thing at arm's length, so that this particular kind of head fuck wouldn't hurt him. Apparently, it just wasn't working for him anymore.
"Katie's on life support," Vic sighed eventually, her limbs slacking in defeat as the urgency started to wear off. She huffed and dropped into the chair beside Robert's bed, curling in on herself "Andy's going mad"
"He didn't know the ground was unstable," Aaron said, his voice smaller than it had been in a long time "He was arguing with her and she stepped awkwardly on the rotted floorboards. He was just scared of losing Chrissie"
"He should have thought about that when he took you on as a side piece"
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" he said, his voice still tired and laced with half-assed offence.
"It means he knew what he was doing, Aaron," she said straightly as he moved to sit in the chair he'd been in when she'd entered the room "he knew about your scars and he knew you were vulnerable-"
"I aint vulnerable!" he insisted loudly, frustrated "I really need people to stop treating me like I'm going to break if they push too hard. I can look after myself"
"You know what I mean," she said "the kind of issues you had don't just go away. You didn't leave them in France. You went through something really awful, Aaron"
"Yeah, I know, Vic, I was there," he remarked irritably.
"So then you can stop denying that you're not exactly stable in the head," she presented "it's me you're talking to," she said "I know you. And so did Robert. He shouldn't have put you in this position"
"I made my own decision," he said solidly, although he wasn't angry as such; he couldn't be pissed off at her for talking the truth "he hasn't exactly been the best boyfriend, but I had all the facts and I still got into it"
"They're keeping her on a ventilator," she sighed again, switching back to Katie "Andy will probably have to turn off her life support"
"It was my fault," he grumbled "I set it up. I told her where we'd be so she'd catch us and blow the lid"
"You didn't know this would happen," she told him, wrapping her arms tighter around her knees where they were tucked up under her chin.
"I knew something would happen," he said sadly.
"She fell, Aaron. The floor wasn't stable and she fell. Nobody pushed her, nobody shoved her"
"But she wouldn't have been there if-"
"Don't put yourself through this again," she said "you can fuck yourself up with ifs and buts; the bottom line is, this was just something really horrible that happened. But this isn't about you. Katie dying isn't about Robert, or the affair, or Chrissie. It's about Andy losing his wife and taking about a hundred steps backwards with his recovery. It's about the village having to bury somebody that they've known for decades, somebody they love. I know you're blaming yourself right now, but you have to focus on your own shit. Rob is going to need you now, because he doesn't have anybody else, regardless of whether he's brought it all on himself. So you have to not beat yourself up about this, okay?"
He stared at her for a while as she determinedly held the eye contact, despite the way she was still crying slightly, her cheeks red and blotchy, sniffly and exhausted.
"Okay," he said solemnly about three minutes later, nodding and looking back at Robert "okay"
Robert came out of hospital three days later. Adam took Paddy up to home farm whilst Aaron was taking him back to the pub, and packed up a load of his stuff. Aaron's mum wasn't very happy about the village evil living in her pub, but he'd assured her that Robert would be recovering heavily over the following weeks, so he'd barely be around.
Honestly, Aaron could see Rob's behaviour going one of two ways. He'd either sleep a lot, curled up in Aaron's bed avoiding his problems and whining loudly, feeling sorry for himself. Or he'd be sauntering around the village insulting everybody and trying to pretend that he didn't care what anyone thought of him, throwing himself into the only business venture he had left, and ignoring his sudden lack of money and social superiority.
The one thing Aaron couldn't anticipate, was how Robert would handle being outed to the entire community. It was a big thing, hiding who you are for such a big portion of your life, and then suddenly having everybody around you know about it. The most Aaron could do was be accessible and silently supportive. He knew better than to get particularly touchy feely with Robert's emotions when it wasn't on the guy's own terms, so he'd already sort of learned that Rob talked when he was ready to, when he wanted to, and if he was pushed into it or nagged, he acted out. That was something that was very close to home for Aaron, so whilst he was still aware of Robert's plethora of glaring faults, he also understood him quite well.
"I still think your interior design tastes leave a lot to be desired," Rob grumbled as Aaron rolled his eyes and lifted the corner of his duvet, moving to the bathroom to start running himself a bath. Robert crawled into bed and propped himself up against the headboard, borrowed t-shirt slightly too tight for him, considering he had a good couple of inches on Aaron.
"I still think your personality leaves a lot to be desired," Aaron snorted, peeling his own engine oil stained t-shirt from his body, stepping out of his trackie bottoms and boxer briefs, pottering around, sorting a few things out and putting things back in their proper places whilst he waited for the water to be the correct temperature. Robert watched from his place in bed, blanket pooling casually at his waist, a small smirk curving his mouth, head tilting as he shamelessly stared.
"Put your tongue back in your mouth, rich boy," Aaron tutted, blushing slightly as he lowered himself into the bath "you're supposed to be sleeping"
"Can't I join you-"
"You just got out of hospital, Robert," Aaron sighed "go the fuck to sleep"
"You're rude," Robert pouted, narrowing his eyebrows.
"Nowhere near on par with you, mate," Aaron replied, sinking further into the steam and closing his eyes softly.
"I'm literally offering to have bath sex with you, why are you being difficult?" Robert whined, sliding down the mattress and curling in on himself despite his better judgement.
"Again," Aaron reiterated in a bored voice "you just got out of hospital. I can deck you, knock you out if you prefer-"
"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep," Robert interrupted, although as he turned his pale face into the pillow, nuzzling the fabric that smelt like Aaron, there was a small, amused smile on his face as he let his eyes flicker shut, his apparent fatigue winning over the want to lay in the hot water with his grumpy grease monkey.
"I need to reconsider my choice in boyfriends," Aaron muttered moodily from the bathroom, steam leaking through the open door "seriously they all die or whine too much"
A few days after coming home, and Robert finally left the safety of the bedroom. On a no-drinking plan Aaron had insisted on, and made him swear blindly by, he'd reluctantly agreed that there was no way he could keep himself locked in the back of this shitty little pub all day. So come Wednesday, Robert waited for Aaron to go to work, and pulled on his most tailored pair of jeans, his Italian wool jumper, and most expensive leather jacket, and sat at the bar. He had three lemonades and two packets of pork scratchings before he could build up the determination to go out into the village and tried to ignore Chas' icy silences and animosity.
The cold of February was harsh against his skin, but he shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket, closed his eyes for a moment, drew in a deep breath, and plastered on his most convincing smirk, going first to the café. If he was going to throw himself into the lion's pit, he'd rather have an Americano in his hand whilst he did it.
"Usual," he nodded to Bob, who notably glared at him as he sat down opposite Adam at the booth and forced himself to look as casual and nonchalant as possible.
"Can't you go and bother Aaron?" Adam sighed, tutting and grumpily wriggling back into his seat, fiddling with his fingernails distractedly behind his latte.
"Can't you get somebody to shave that ridiculous beard?" Robert replied, still smirking and raising one eyebrow. Adam narrowed his eyes, but absently brought a hand up to stroke his chin as though to comfort it.
"I used to be with Katie, you know," Adam said a moment later as Bob silently placed his Americano to go on the table in front of him, pointedly not even looking in his direction before going back to work.
"Along with pretty much every single other bloke in this village," Robert drawled, shrugging and sitting forward slightly, taking his drink and blowing at it to cool it down "what's your point?"
"You're the reason she's in hospital!" Adam exclaimed exasperatedly "you're the reason she's dying"
"You didn't seem too bothered when you were saving my life last week"
"I was there for Aaron," Adam insisted firmly "he still gives a shit about you for some reason"
"Don't know why," Robert said flatly, sipping at his drink and relaxing back into his chair again, trying to keep his hands from shaking where they held it "apparently I'm the scum of the earth"
"Aaron hasn't told you what's happening with her, has he?"
"He's been trying not to mention it," Robert said blandly, letting out a discreet, shuddery breath "thinks I'll do something stupid"
"She's on life support," Adam said, the words rolling off of his tongue laced with resentment. Rob determinedly stared at the table, trying to block out the guilt that had been creeping in for days now. When he was drinking, he didn't have to deal with this. When there was quiet, and nothing but the sound of the wind on the walls of Home Farm and his body was too sluggish to move; it was easier. Now he was sober, now he was present in his own head, it was a lot more difficult to continually shift the blame or push it to the back of his mind "your brother is gonna have to be the one to turn it off"
"I never wanted-"
"It might shock you, mate," Adam snapped, drawing Robert's eyes to his "but you can't always get what you want"
"Isn't that a song?" Robert remarked. Adam made to lurch at him out of his seat, but Rob held his hands up in surrender, trying to communicate as much understanding as he could "alright," he said "I know, I'm sorry, it's not something to joke about. Sit," he gestured "I don't want any trouble"
"Bit late for that," Adam said, although he lowered himself back down and rolled his tongue around his mouth, breathing slightly laboured.
"I know," Robert repeated "I'm going to go and see Andy later. You – you know what actually happened though, don't you? You know she lost her balance? She stepped on the weak flooring, Adam. She fell"
"I know that, dickbag," Adam half-growled "but she wouldn't have been there in the first place if it hadn't been for-"
"Aaron," Rob cut him off "if it hadn't been for Aaron. He's the one that texted her. He set me up"
"So why are you still with him, then? Oh right, yeah, your fiancé left you and he's the only other poor idiot on this planet that wants you around"
"That – that's not – I'm with him because-"
"Why?" Adam demanded, brown eyes blazing now "go on, spit it out. You're always so good at words"
"When I had nothing, I had Aaron, alright?" he blurted suddenly, hands shaking again, heartbeat racing in his chest. It was terrifying. That fear was crawling back under his skin again, clenching in his muscles. It had always been so scary. Aaron was something he'd never actually experienced before. He thought he knew every type of person there was to know; every fuck up, every stupid idiot, every intelligent aristocrat, every kind person, every selfish bastard. He thought he'd met them all. But Aaron was something new.
"You had Chrissie," Adam reminded harshly "you had a fiancé. A beautiful, clever, funny bird that wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. And you knew what you were doing when you got into it with my best friend," he spoke, clearly having opened some sort of floodgate "Aaron isn't an innocent little angel, but at least he admits it. At least he doesn't hurt people just because he can. He's not well, Robert," Adam told him "he went through so much a couple of years back, things you can't even imagine. And you took advantage of the fact that he's-"
"He can think for himself," a voice interrupted, and Robert's eyes, filled with involuntary, hot tears, flickered up to Aaron's, who had just entered, already smudged with grease, dressed in dirty overalls as usual "you good?" Aaron asked Robert briefly. Rob swallowed the lump in his throat, blinked away the wetness in his eyes, and nodded, sniffing "you," Aaron snapped at Adam "with me. I want a word"
"Why are you sticking up for him?" Adam shouted when they got to the garage. Aaron glared at him and furrowed his eyebrows.
"Why are you sticking up for me?" he replied in outrage "I'm just as much guilty in this than he is, I told her to go up there for fuck sake!"
"You didn't know-"
"Neither did he," Aaron cut him off "none of us did. Both of us are responsible for it, and I'll make sure he knows just how much of a part he played in this, I'll make sure he pays for it in the same way that I'm paying; but she fell, Adam," Aaron said, eyes shining with tears again, breath shaky and overwhelmed "we didn't push her. She fell"
"I don't get it," Adam shook his head, turning his back to him slightly. Aaron gulped heavily and looked up at the ceiling, breathing out deeply, trying to calm down "he could have deleted the picture and the text and left her there. He could still have married Chrissie and left you to deal with it all. It would be such a Robert thing to do. So why did he admit to everything?" Adam asked, turning around again "why blow it all when he could still have saved himself?"
Aaron couldn't speak or say anything in response to that, and apparently Adam didn't have anything else to say either, because he sunk his shoulders, sighed heavily, and pulled Aaron against him, hand resting on the back of his head.
"I'm sorry, mate," he said, his voice slightly croaky with emotion.
"Don't apologise," Aaron replied quietly, pulling away a moment later "I know what me and Rob have done is wrong, and we're going to spend our whole lives dealing with that; you – you're only looking out for me"
"She's my friend, Aaron," Adam said in a low, broken tone, hanging his head "things weren't great between me and her, but when we were together I did love her. And now I'll probably have to bury her"
"I know," Aaron said gently, squeezing his waist slightly were his hand still rested loosely "I'm sorry"
"I know," Adam said, blinking and bringing his head back up "doesn't make it any easier"
"What about if I bought you a pint?" Aaron grinned weakly, still slightly teary eyed, punching his shoulder softly.
"S'a start," Adam grumbled, tutting again and throwing an arm around Aaron's neck and pulling him along back up to the pub.
"Aaron?" Rob whispered through the dark of the bedroom, even though the person he was talking to was barely centimetres away from him "you awake?"
"Well I am now," Aaron grumbled, huffing and rolling over, heads closer now where they were laid against the pillow, faces only just visible in outline.
"I'm sorry," Rob said quietly and solemnly, swallowing heavily, the words tasting metallic on his tongue, the guilt tumbling from his lips.
"What for, you muppet?" Aaron sighed, frowning. Rob drew in a deep breath and linked their hands together on the soft fabric between their noses, reaching forward a couple of millimetres and pressing a single, gentle kiss to one of Aaron's knuckles.
"For everything. For being so selfish, for letting the money and power turn me into an idiot-"
"You were already an idiot, Vic told me"
"She's an unreliable narrator, she's my kid sister," Rob replied distractedly, tutting at the small smirk of amusement he could make out on Aaron's lips "stop teasing me, I'm trying to be genuine here"
"God forbid," Aaron whispered, chuckling airily. Robert narrowed his eyes and poked him in the ribs, revelling in the little spasm Aaron's body did and the ridiculous noise that came out of his mouth "okay, sorry, jesus"
"Sorry," Robert continued "I know you're worth a fuck lot more than what I used to take you for, and I know it was wrong of me to manipulate you and try to keep you a secret"
"Rob," Aaron said tenderly "seriously, I know what it's like to be scared of coming out, you don't have to explain yourself-"
"Yes," Rob replied "I kind of do, because I did a lot of bad things, and a lot of those bad things hurt you, and…" he broke off for a moment, closing his eyes and trying to catch his breath, his heart hammering against his ribs "and that's something I never wanted to do, especially to you"
"Why especially me?" Aaron asked hesitantly, clearly a lot more serious now. Robert opened his eyes again and wet his lips, squeezing Aaron's hand a little tighter and nudging it gently with his nose.
"Bcsilvyuidt"
"What was that, I couldn't quite hear you?" Aaron questioned in a tone that clearly was not being subtle about the fact that he had very much gotten the gist of Robert's incoherent babbling.
"Because I love you, idiot," he said louder, burying his face in the pillow and groaning, mortified. Aaron laughed quietly, rolling his eyes and prying their fingers apart, dragging Robert against him and tangling their legs together.
"About damn time," he continued to laugh into Rob's hair "you get a seven for effort, but you could work on not being an asshole"
"Touche," Rob mumbled against his chest, wrapping his arms around Aaron and attaching himself to his body like some sort of ridiculous limpet.
The following weeks passed mostly in the way Aaron had expected them to. Andy turned off Katie's life support, and they buried her a little while afterwards. For a couple of days before the funeral, Aaron wasn't sure how Andy was going to feel about he and Robert after everything that had happened, but almost immediately, the grieving farmer had dragged his brother in tight and broken down against him. Aaron remembered seeing Robert's face before Andy had spoken, the small, stripped back, terrified expression of guilt on what was usually such a confident, aloof exterior.
Andy was slightly stiffer with Aaron, but he supposed it had something to do with him trying to wrap his head around the fact that his brother was into guys, and was fucking his business partner. Not that he had a problem with the bisexual thing of course, it was a lot more because of how much the both of them had been lying to everybody, and how deeply they had hurt Chrissie and made Katie look insane.
It would take a long time before Andy could properly forgive them both, but the fact that the young widow even wanted to see Robert at all, was an encouraging concept.
The ceremony was short and depressing. Robert had barely moved, sat ridged and closed jawed in his seat beside Aaron, the only real sign that he was suffering in the slightest, being how tightly he was gripping Aaron's hand in his lap. Aaron, of course, had been less capable of keeping himself together, and had his head bowed the entire time, all the while resisting the urge to close his palm around the keys in the pocket of his blazer and draw blood.
Diane had to get up half-way through Andy's speech, and finish it for him, but a beautiful slide show of pictures of Katie's life flickered in the background to the hum of Amazing Grace and Vic and Adam cried against each other.
It was only when they got out of the church that Aaron blinked away the tears from his red rimmed eyes, let out a deep sigh and tutted, pulling a stony faced Robert against him, one hand on the back of his head bunching in his hair, the other sliding around his waist beneath the warmth of his jacket. It was a more intimate action than he usually displayed publicly, but it was almost like he could feel Robert torturing himself on top of his own self-blame, and he really needed to hug his boyfriend right now.
"I'm sorry," Robert's voice came out in a quiet, strained whisper, mouth moving where it was pressed to Aaron's shoulder, arms threading almost desperately around Aaron in return, swallowing heavily "I'm so sorry"
"It's okay, mate," Aaron replied, letting out his own shuddery breath and turning his head slightly and pressing a rough kiss to Robert's neck "c'mon," he said, sniffing and dropping one arm "they're taking her up now"
Still silently crying in the harsh wind, they joined the solemnly quiet crowd following the coffin bearers back through the village up to where they'd be putting her in the ground. When they reached the burial site, Aaron had to turn his body back against the side of Robert's where his arm still hung over Aaron's shoulder, passing Jackson's grave that was no longer littered with flowers.
"Keep it together," Robert spoke in a low, discreet voice against his ear, his arm tightening, lips pressed against the top of his head "not long left"
When Adam moved forward to drop an old bracelet that Katie had brought him on top of the coffin, Aaron forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat, and stepped up, slipping an arm around his best friend and squeezing his shoulder gently. Victoria silently took Aaron's other hand, still crying, her breath visible in the air with everybody else's. Ashely uttered the final words of the ceremony, and they all walked back to the pub, ready to drown their sorrows in typical small village fashion.
Aaron worked the bar that night, insisting that his mum sit with her mates and remember her best friend in the way she deserved to be remembered. It also meant he could keep his hands busy, so they didn't give into the unbearable urge to claw at his own skin or drag razor blades along his arms.
He didn't talk a lot, save for telling people how much their drinks cost, and Rob sat at the very end of the bar, silently drinking his pint and picking at the small placemats glued to the varnished wood.
"No way," Aaron shook his head when Rob made to order his third drink "no more"
"Don't be a dick," Robert whined "my sister in law is dead"
"You're still not having another drink," Aaron sighed blandly, taking a large pork scratching from the packet between Robert's hand and shoving one in his mouth to keep him quiet "I'm not taking you to hospital again, the nurses look at me like I'm gonna steal the drugs and push them"
"Have you ever done that?" Rob asked, one eyebrow raised, although there was still a significant lack of personality in his voice compared to what he usually was.
Aaron didn't answer and went to Zack who was ordering another round of drinks for the family. He heard Robert laughing faintly as he poured them, and seeing as there was a lull in activity for the first time that evening, he opted to leaning against the wood opposite his boyfriend, and stealing his snacks.
"How are you holding up?" Rob asked discreetly as Aaron sipped at his own pint, not making eye contact.
"M'alright," he replied dully and Rob tutted, rolling his eyes.
"That's not an answer. C'mon greasemonkey, it's okay if you're a bit triggered-"
"Christ, I'll tell you if I think I'm gonna relapse, okay?" Aaron snapped, and Rob held up his hands in surrender.
"Okay," he said "just worried"
"Well you don't need to be, I'm fine"
"I'll suck your dick later, that'll cheer you up"
"Do you want to be wearing this pint?" Aaron retorted, although his lips twitched in amusement, a slight blush creeping up his neck beneath his stubble "cause I don't think my mum would appreciate larger all over her clean floors"
They went quiet again after that, but the lack of talk was much more comfortable, and soon Robert dropped his head forward against Aaron's shoulder and let his eyes slide shut, clearly exhausted and slightly sluggish from the alcohol. Aaron simply rested his cheek against the top of Rob's head and watched the people around him talking, all of them red eyed and blotchy cheeked, but smiling and laughing and telling stories. Andy was nowhere to be seen, but a while ago, he'd slipped in the back, quietly indicating to Aaron that he was going to bed, and nobody had really questioned it.
"I love you," Rob's soft, absent voice murmured gently after around half-hour of them staying like that, watching and resting and being present, but not really needing to be out there. It wasn't as though they were the most popular people in the room anyway; people were mostly tolerating them because Andy had told them too of late.
"'Love you too," Aaron replied lazily, kissing the top of his head again, his left hand dropping to sit in the pocket of the tailored trousers, part of the only suit he owned "brat"
"We really fucked up, didn't we?" Robert sighed defeatedly, and Aaron raised his eyebrows in agreement.
"Yep"
"Do you think we can get it right this time?" Rob asked again, and Aaron could feel him frowning where his forehead rested against his collar bone.
"I hope so, mate," Aaron responded drowsily, eyes getting itchy and heavy now "I really fucking hope so"
"Can we go to bed now?"
"One sec," Aaron smiled smally, tapping Rob's head to let him know he was moving away "I'll just tell my mum"
Chas nodded at him when he told her he wouldn't be at the bar, her eyes settling distastefully on Robert where he was still sat in his stool, but kissed Aaron on the cheek and smiled at him warmly.
Going around the bar, he helped Rob up and guided him with a hand in the small of his back through the crowd, keeping him steady up the stairs. When they got into the bedroom however, it was Aaron who found himself boneless and fatigued, so Rob sat him down at the bottom of the bed and took his shoes off for him, undressing him and moving them both beneath the covers, wordlessly tangling their bodies together and shoving his face in Aaron's neck, both of them too exhausted to do little else but fall almost automatically asleep.
"I've got to get back to work, finish this for me, will you?" Rob said, shrugging his leather jacket back on, licking his fingers clean, and swigging down the remainder of his coffee. Aaron went straight for what was left on Rob's plate, barely acknowledging the kiss on his cheek before he left, too busy shovelling the food in his mouth.
"Just had another couple of rusters dropped off, you wanna do it, or me?" Adam's voice came to Aaron as he sat down where Rob had been just a couple of moments ago. Aaron nodded his head, a mouthful of bacon as Adam grinned at him, watching him in amusement "looks like someone got their appetite back"
"Fuck off," Aaron retorted, swallowing and sipping at his black coffee, offering some of the food to Adam. He waved it off, patting his stomach.
"Nah, m'alright, mate, mum cooked a full English this morning, I'm stuffed"
"Alright for some," Aaron remarked as Bob came to collect the plates "I can't get Robert to cook much more than beans on toast"
"That's because you're dating a lazy rich boy who's probably had his meals cooked for him his whole life"
"I'm sorry," Aaron retorted, laughing slightly "who made your food this morning?"
"That's besides the point," Adam pouted and Aaron simply continued to chuckle, shaking his head and ordering another black coffee to go, pulling his fingerless gloves back over his fingers and settling the bobble hat back on his head, making sure it covered his ears.
"What does he even do with his time now, anyway? He only ever visits the scrapyard and portacabins when he's getting niggly for your attention"
"He's a car dealer, mate, I told you this last week. He started it up the month after the funeral, built the business from scratch"
"Robert?" Adam raised his eyebrows, looking doubtful "that brat doesn't know his cambelts from his catalytic converters"
"'Don't need to know how it works, he just needs to know how to sell 'em," he shrugged, standing up, Adam mirroring him "besides, you know what he's like; he just has to get all smirky and winky and people fall in love with the bastard, do whatever the bloody hell he tells them to do"
"You would know," Adam teased, nudging him as they left the café. Aaron glared, grabbing Adam around the neck and tackling him back to the car, messing up his hair and ignoring his protests.
"This is ridiculous, what the fuck are you doing Rob- oh fuck, what?" Aaron's eyes widened when Robert got down on one knee. They were in the middle of nowhere, it was Jackson's death anniversary, there were fireworks still going off behind them, and the car was still running, some obscure indie station playing on the radio through the open door. Robert's eyes were stupidly blue, lit up and shining in the light of the fireworks, full of more emotion than Aaron seen from the pampered blonde in a couple of days. Emotion he'd only ever seen a few times before; when they'd first had sex, when he said he loved him for the first time, and when they'd moved in together. Now it was for an entirely different reason.
Aaron's heart was hammering in his chest, a lump already catching in the back of his throat, tears welling fast in his eyes. He couldn't quite believe what the fuck was happening to him. This – this was something he never thought he'd have, something he never imagined he'd deserve or live long enough for, despite still only being twenty three. In fact, there were so many different things happening at once at that moment that he had never really thought possible, and it was short-circuiting his brain.
"Look," Robert said breathlessly, also getting slightly choked up "I know we've fucked up more times than should be healthy, and I know that these past few years have been really up and down and you're a grumpy little bitch when you're off on one," he continued, his voice cracked and brimming with overwhelming nervousness and excitement "we – I know we argue," he said, swallowing and blinking "I know it's not perfect. I know we wind each other up sometimes, and we didn't have the best start in things and we've both got a shit tonne of baggage. I know we're really different and we come from different backgrounds. But – fuck, I fucking swore I wouldn't cry"
Aaron let out a breathy laugh, shaking his head again in disbelief as tears spilled over in Rob's eyes and dripped down his stupid sharp cheekbones, his stupid lips reddened by the cold, his stupid eyebrows high and hopeful, a black and silver band ring held out in a small red velvet box.
"I didn't have it all figured out to begin with. I didn't know what I was doing, I thought it was just some fun, and I thought I could get away with lying and pretending that I wasn't falling arse over tit in love with you," he kept talking, and as he did, the reality of it started to settle in Aaron's bones, the adrenaline rushing through his veins as he struggled to catch his breath, and he finally started to identify the swelling, staggering sensation in his chest, as happiness "but fuck, Aaron, you're the best person I've ever known. You're funny and cranky and ludicrously compassionate. You're my dirty little greasemonkey and you're the toughest fuck up for miles and if I am ever half as resilient as you one day, I'll be really bloody happy"
"I hate you so much oh my god," Aaron managed, laughing even more and dropping to his knees in front of Rob, unable to stay standing any longer, the grass cold beneath his jeans.
"But seeing as I'm still working on that, I'm going to take my chances and hope to god that I'm not just making a twat out of myself right now by asking you to spend the rest of your life with me"
There was a few moments of silence that resonated between them and Aaron just looked into his eyes, mouth open. For a second, he considered what Jackson would say if he were there, if he knew Robert, if he knew everything that had happened since he'd died. If Aaron could ask him for advice one last time. But he didn't have to think about it, not really. Because Jackson had never wanted him to be anything but happy. And fuck if he wasn't the happiest fuck up in the world right then.
"Fuck," Aaron choked finally, his mouth cracking into a watery, stubbly smile, still laughing "yes, of course," he said "fuck yes"
Robert's face lit up and he lurched forward, kissing Aaron harder than ever, fumbling to get the ring out of the box. In the end, Aaron had to take the box and slip the ring on his own finger, laughing still, feeling lighter than he'd ever felt, breathless and unsure what to do other than kiss his fiancé and laugh like a complete and utter pillock in the middle of a field in Yorkshire at half one in the morning in the middle of winter.
But holy shit, push come to shove, he wouldn't have it any other way.