Of all the things I should be doing right now, this is not it!
Some angsty writing on a random burst of inspiration from an author who should of updated several years ago and apologises profusely whilst avoiding shocked faces and bags of flung rubbish.
Escaflowne and all it's characters (Van especially) © Beez and Sunrise - I'm just here to keep the angst/drama up for non-profitable reasons.
Keep Breathing
To most people time passes very fast. To me, every breath took a lifetime. The agony of knowing that you, so close yet so far from here, possibly living in this same, sad state of mind and never being able to return, twisted in my gut till I was sure I might die. The pain, searing at first, leaving scars and unwelcome reminders of those first few days alone again, diminished over time. Breath by breath. Lifetime by lifetime. Now it passes as a constant ache in my chest, smouldering and burning with each reference of your presence here. Before all this. With me.
Daily routines here have developed with time. Merle has grown and become a great member of my council, despite having taken the fancy of a human noble. I can't stay too long when they are together. The pain starts anew when I see their smiles and eyes radiate with a light and warmth I long for now. A warmth I once possessed, in days gone by and a youth now passed.
Why did you have to leave?
Though I have been a man for several years now, when the pain that haunts me pulls me under, breaking my chest in two and tearing my soul into smaller shreds than before, I feel just like the boy I was in your sight. Though I tried to be mature, someone who could lead my country through the time of bloodshed I had not known fear for before, I was still a child. You made me that way. Jealous at other mens' glances, Allen's actions I had dreamt of doing myself one day, your headstrong behaviour always knocking me sideways, a way that I had never been treated before. All this spawned my rashness and belief that you, someone whom I had once hated, began to love. Not in the same way as my Mother and Father, or even Merle, but a more powerful, desperate kind of way.
And before this love was truly allowed to bloom in realisation, before I even had the chance to express the one, true, longing I had ever granted myself, you were gone. Never to return, always to remain just that one step too far away for me to reach you.
And so I breathed. In and out. One happy lifetime flashing by another. Ones I had dreamt about, with you by my side, holding our children, laying in the sunlight on our bed, dancing, singing, laughing, crying, frowning, sighing, cursing, moaning.
Lifetime after lifetime. Minute after minute. Breath after breath.
An endless wish and a relentless, infinite hope.
Waiting for you to return.
Wow. I haven't written anything like this in so long I was completely surprised at seeing it written down, not floating around in my head like all my other crazy ideas are. I'm so proud that I finally got around to this. Writing is something I have to get into again. I'm sure it could be classed as some kind of exercise.
Here's to Van Fanel, still waiting for the sequel to the Escaflowne anime!