hello everyone! so this story is kind of messy, but i felt weirdly compelled to write it? i haven't read animorphs in years but it wouldn't stop calling my name and wouldn't let me rest until i did so. i was very inspired by bastille's song "things we lost in the fire" which is where the title, description and reason it's in a list sort of format.
i would just like to take a moment to give out slight trigger warnings on parental death, neglect, death (rachel) and depression. they aren't mentioned too heavily but certainly set the tone of the story so i thought i'd warn everyone. enjoy!
all that we've amassed sits before us
scattered into ash
1). family
this was never really a loss. tobias had never grown up with his parents, a story about how both his parents died in a tragedy accident straight out of a lifetime movie. he never felt the loss but it was constantly there. his reminder whenever it was parent day at school (he was always in the back of the classroom as the dads who were firemen and moms who were retailers spoke to his class). it wasn't exactly a big deal in elementary school, come middle school and tobias has switched schools ten times as he was bounced uncle to aunt and back again.
we sat and made a list of all that we've had
down the backs of table tops ticket stubs and your diaries
2). (physical) humanity.
he was trapped in his hawk form. it served him well, he stayed out past his two hour limit. in some ways he knew it would happen eventually. tobias never felt fully human. it wasn't much of a loss once he thought about his. (not like his "guardians" would come looking or even file a missing persons report. the hawk was much more of a suited body (honestly it was his favorite). the loss of his human form wouldn't be felt.
i read them all day when lonelieness came and you were away
they told me nothing knew but i loved the words that you used
3). (mental) humanity.
it was a snowball effect and it starts like this: rachel fucking dies. tobias looses his will to live. it wasn't hard to come to terms with it, but it wasn't something he would ever want to deal with again. his seclusion is the last effect and it happens like an avalanche. all at once then it settles.
i was the match and you were the rock
(maybe we started this fire)
4). relationships.
when he looses rachel, he looses everyone. jake, marco, ax and even cassie. they try to reach him but it's impossible. he cuts off all communication and that's all there is to it.
do you understand that we will never be the same again?
the futures in our hands and we will never be the same again
5). the fight.
technically, the animorphs won. it wasn't without sacrifice and heartbreak. betrayal and deception. triumph and victory. but rachel wasn't there to see it. what was the point? tobias and each of the other animorphs love each other in their own special ways. but rachel..god, rachel. they contrasted but were still so alike. at least, the way her and the hawk were alike. blood thirsty. willing to fight for what was truly theirs. it was so secret that rachel was one who wouldn't let things happen and wouldn't let things go on until she won. that's where he draws the similarities. why should he fight if rachel isn't there beside him? ax (bless his heart) needed him, but there were also others who could be more helpful than the hawk could.
flames they licked the walls
tenderly they turned to dust (all that i adore)