A/N: Hello, fellow shippers =) Guess who's back? This little plot bunny hopped into my mind tonight as I was bored with whatever nonsense was on TV. 99 channels and nothing on. The agony. Anyway, this will be sort of a long one-shot, or a short multi-chapter, depending on how you view it. It's just for fun, and meant to be light at heart. Sheldon and Amy decide to conduct an experiment! I hope you guys enjoy it =)

- YlvaB

The Mating Ground Infiltration

By YlvaBorealis

Humans.

Bipedal omnivorous primates, separated from chimpanzees by a mere 5 million years of evolution. Driven by the biological need to procreate, males and females of the species are frequently found in establishments such as restaurants and coffee shops, serving as a courting ground where females show off their secondary sexual characteristics in low-cut dresses and tops, and males display dominance by paying for whatever meal the female pretends to have only on "special occasions".

Dr. Sheldon Cooper was currently observing such a courting ritual, furrowing his brows in disgust as he thought that Douglas Adams really was on to something when he wrote that humans were only the third most intelligent species on planet Earth.

The unknowing objects of his distaste were a young man and woman, who were curled up in a booth at the restaurant his girlfriend Amy Farrah Fowler had taken him to for their date night. Completely unaware (or possibly not caring) of their surroundings, the young couple were engulfed in a passionate kiss, tongues entwined and hands tangled in each other's hair.

"Great, now I can never come back here again" he muttered as he returned to his bowl of pasta, only to shove it out of reach. It looked strangely unappealing, with the stringy cheese and the bright red tomato sauce.

Amy, who generally had a higher tolerance for public displays of affection, did the same. None of them were sure what the protocol was. Was this socially accepted behavior? Was it not? Should they alert the waiter?

"I was looking forward to dessert but that tonsil-hockey tournament over there has completely spoiled my appetite" Sheldon whined, cocking his head in the direction of the couple, who paid no attention to him despite the fact that he spoke loudly enough for anyone to hear.

"You're preaching to the choir brother" Amy stated, throwing her hands up in defeat. The sight of the couple groping each other was rather unsettling.

Sheldon's eyes widened in surprise at her remark. Although they had been going out for over three years, Amy and Sheldon had yet to consummate their relationship. They had just begun exploring hugging and kissing, carefully working their way around Sheldon's issues with germs, disorder, spontaneity, and touching: not to mention his hypochondriasis and general prowess at being difficult.

He was a theoretical physicist, tall and thin with bright blue eyes and dark hair, curiously decked out in a vintage super hero t-shirt and pleated trousers: she was a neurobiologist whose fierce emerald green gaze and sharp tongue reminded anyone unfortunate enough to come in her way that she was smart enough to reprogram you into thinking that you were a coffee table for the rest of your existence, should you tick her off. Her neat dark hair and sensible attire reflected her confidence and intellect.

Sheldon himself had an IQ of 187 and still he seemed baffled by her comment.

"Really Amy? I thought you'd cease the opportunity to remind me how we 'never kiss like that' and that I should stop nagging because 'it's romantic Sheldon, you just don't get it" the physicist scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the chair.

She was not impressed by his imitation of her.

"I'm insulted by the fact that you think so little of me. While I do find kissing romantic I prefer not to watch people make babies while I'm trying to enjoy my fettuccine. Frankly, I find that whole display off-putting" Amy said, her eyes shooting daggers at her childish boyfriend.

"I do not think little of you!" Sheldon protested, his voice going up a pitch. "I'm merely pointing out the fact that it's what I thought you would say".

"Well stop assuming things" Amy muttered, waving at their waiter to bring them the check. She'd had enough for tonight.

Sheldon contemplated her words. Finally he nodded in agreement.

"You're right Amy: first and foremost we are scientists. We don't assume: we draw conclusions from hard facts. I apologize if I upset you".

She looked at him, noting to herself how much he'd grown as a human being since they first met all those years ago. Five years ago Sheldon would have needed days to figure out why she had been insulted, and even then he wouldn't have apologized of his own accord.

"It's okay. I'm not mad" she said, her voice and gaze softening.

They spent a few moments going over the check as the waiter brought it to them, Sheldon paying for dinner since it was his turn.

Standing up to leave, Sheldon once again glared at the young couple in the booth next to them, who were still busy trying to choke each other with their tongues.

He cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Excuse me".

The couple finally let go of each other, staring up at the tall lanky man and the short, quirky woman at his side.

"What the hell do you want?" the young man barked, causing his scantily clad girlfriend to giggle.

Sheldon stood stone cold, a look of indifference plastered on his soft features.

"I just wanted to inform you that there are over 600 different types of bacteria living in the human mouth. Also, should you take this so called 'make out session' further I advise you not to let this lady orally gratify you since Herpes Labialis is sexually transmitted. Good day to you sir" he deadpanned, grabbing Amy by the arm and leading her out of the establishment, not staying to watch the young man cautiously slide to the other end of the booth while the young woman touched the sore on her bottom lip, pulling at the hem of her short dress as if she'd suddenly realized it barely covered her thighs.

'Humans' Sheldon thought once again as he and Amy made their way to his apartment. Her arm was still hooked around his elbow, something he had finally learned to deal with and even appreciate. He still wasn't a fan of hand-holding but this was an acceptable alternative, and he allowed himself to enjoy the heat that radiated from her body.

"That was fun" Amy giggled, reaching over with her other hand to gently pat his arm.

Sheldon let out a sound that was halfway between an inhalation and a laughter.

"I know… Ah, these inferior beings. One would assume the human race had evolved beyond such animalistic behavior but once again the Homo Novus outsmarted the Homo Sapiens. I tell you Amy, I'll never understand what possesses people to act like rhesus monkeys in heat the minute their alcohol consumption matches their hormone levels. It truly is baffling" Sheldon mused, shaking his head at the absurdity that was the human libido.

"It is curious indeed. Cultural norms tell us such displays are unacceptable in respectable establishments and yet people continue breeching protocol. I have to admit, as a biologist I am intrigued" Amy replied, looking up at her boyfriend, admiring his profile. His nose was beautifully curved and his bottom-lip was full… and those dark eye-lashes. 'Mine. My own', she thought, smiling to herself as she looked away to keep her eyes on the road.

"Of course you are" Sheldon muttered, wondering what silly nonsense she'd try to talk him into this time. If this was her way of trying to trick him into changing the Relationship Agreement in some way (he didn't know which but whatever it was he was sure it would be something he wouldn't like) he was having none of it.

"Sheldon, I'm just saying that it would be interesting to study this phenomenon further. From a purely scientific point of view. We could perform a behavioral study" Amy continued, suddenly feeling enthusiastic.

"Amy, really? Social science? And here I thought you were the Jane to my Tarzan…" Sheldon sighed, realizing once and for all that he truly was the sole member of his species. How sad that it would die with him.

"No, no, listen Sheldon" she insisted, tugging on his arm. "I think this could be fun. We would have to infiltrate a mating ground of some sort… Perhaps a night club. Calculating the alcohol-sluttiness ratio over time, divided by the number of available potential sexual partners and the time of the month, e.g. payday and holidays versus slow nights. And we'd have to exclude subjects who are just promiscuous and generally uncaring" she ranted, going over the numbers in her head.

Sheldon arched an eyebrow. Perhaps there was hope for humanity after all. There could still be another Homo Novus walking among them.

"Hmm. Alright, I'll bite. Do you suggest we adopt a hermeneutical approach to this or would you prefer the more rational positivistic method of research? Personally I don't care for all that interview mumbo jumbo but I suppose it would be crucial to this kind of study to at least design some sort of questionnaire…" he thought out loud, letting her know that he was in fact intrigued.

"We cannot exclude one method or another: we would need figures as well as one-on-one interviews. However, I do believe that it's necessary that we 'blend in', so to speak. We need honest answers. If we start handing out forms, people would be suspicious" Amy reasoned, resisting the urge to giggle at the thought of Sheldon standing at a bar, handing out questionnaires to inebriated customers.

"How do you suggest we do that? 'Blend in' I mean?" Sheldon asked, pursing his lips.

"Well, obviously we would have to pretend to be party goers just like everyone else" Amy huffed, thinking it would be obvious.

"Obviously" Sheldon huffed in retort, "but even I know that none of us come off as your regular, how should I put it… party girl. Excluding the fact that I'm male of course so I should rather come off as a party boy. But really. How do we make sure they don't sniff us out?"

She mulled over his words, realizing he was right. She knew she looked good and he was certainly handsome, but both of them looked more like they spent their evenings playing video games and reading English literature. Which of course was exactly what they spent their evenings doing. They weren't likely to attract any party goers to conduct their study on, much less maintain any sort of anonymity that would enable them to quietly observe the Homo Sapiens as it performed its gyrating mating dance on the club floor. No, this required an effort from both of them.

"Masai hunters wear ostrich feathers as camouflage…" Amy began, earning her a bewildered look from her boyfriend. "You know… so the ostriches will believe they're just other birds" she explained, watching the lightbulb ignite over his head.

"We would have to look like them… wear the same attire, as to not catch their attention" Sheldon filled in, coming to a halt as they had arrived at 2311 Los Robles Avenue.

"Tomorrow is Friday: the traditional day to, and I'm quoting Penny now, 'get drunk off your ass and go clubbing'. Shall I come over tomorrow after work so we can prepare together?" Amy asked as she fished out her car keys from her purse.

"Color me intrigued Amy Farrah Fowler" Sheldon let out smugly as he bent down to kiss her goodnight.

A/N2: So guys, whaddya Think? Fun? Lame? Are you intrigued? Better off browsing through those 99 channels of nothing? Wanna know more? =) Let me know!