A/N: Some of you may be reading my M*A*S*H/FMA crossover "A Recurring Nightmare with Popcorn", which is a serious attempt to realistically cross over the two series and look at the themes the two share. This is nothing like that. This a completely humorous, somewhat crack-ish two-shot crossover of Smallville and Furuba that was born of my purchasing a Smallville first season box set. In short, this is not to be taken seriously. At all. Smallville belongs to Warner Brothers Entertainment and was created by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, based on the Superman comic book franchise, which was created by Jerry Siegel and Joel Shuster and belongs to DC Comics. Fruits Basket belongs to Hakusensha, Inc. and was created by Natsuki Takaya, based on the Chinese Zodiac, which was created by someone, though no one is quite sure who. Have fun!

Kryptonites Basket, Part I

Chapter 1: Transfer Students

(In which Chloe is paranoid and Clark is just annoyed)

The afternoon sunlight flowed into the office that the Torch called its headquarters, silhouetting the boy and girl inside and creating what could have been a very romantic scene. Unfortunately, the only romance going on at the moment was between the paper's editor, Chloe Sullivan, and her latest conspiracy theory.

Clark Kent sighed. "What is it this time, Chloe?" he asked.

Chloe looked up from her computer screen, grey eyes alight. "There are seven transfer students coming to Smallville, all with the same last name. What does that sound like to you?"

"Um, a family?" Clark said skeptically.

"A family that happens to be one of the oldest, richest, and most powerful in Japan," Chloe said. "The Sohma's total assets rival those of the Luthors! And they're about as secretive. I had to hack through, like, five firewalls just to get to their birth records!"

"Chloe! What if you get caught?"

"Are you questioning my hacking abilities?"

"No, of course not! I just don't want you to get in trou—"

"I can take care of myself, Clark. Now, listen! They left Japan—"

"Wait, they're Japanese?" Clark asked.

"I already said that," Chloe said, annoyed. "Anyhow, they left Japan in a hurry, and there's nothing in any of the papers about why."

"Chloe, I didn't know you read Japanese," Clark said, a teasing smirk on his lips.

"It's called Google Translate," Chloe said brusquely. "The Sohma family hasn't been mentioned in the news outside of honor rolls for years. Kinda strange, huh? You'd think a family that rich would make the news a little more."

"So they like their privacy," Clark said.

Chloe glared at him. "The only people who 'like their privacy' are people who have something to hide."

Clark swallowed, hard, wondering if he looked as guilty as he felt.

"Anyhow, I'm sure they're up to something," Chloe said. "And you, my friend, are going to help me find out what it is."

Clark's made a final attempt to reason with her. "Not everyone is up to something, Chloe. Can't we just give them the benefit of the doubt?"

"Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn't get you good stories," Chloe said firmly. She glanced at her laptop. "Oh, geez, I can't believe I missed this!"

"What?" Clark asked, leaning over her shoulder.

"There's another transfer coming with them," Chloe said. "Someone named Tohru Honda, from the same town."

"Is that a guy or a girl?" Clark asked.

"Um…according to the all-knowing Internet, Tohru is a guy's name," Chloe answered. "Wonder if he has anything to do with the car company?"

Chapter 2: Foreigners

(In which Tohru is confused by America and Clark uses his powers to carry suitcases)

Tohru Honda tripped on the front step of the Sohma's new house, sending her suitcase, as well as those belonging to Yuki and Kyo that she'd been carrying, flying into the air.

Suddenly, all of those suitcases were in the hands of a tall, foreign boy she'd never seen before. Or, wait, he wasn't foreign here, she was, because this was his country…she was confused already.

America was a confusing country. They didn't even call it America all the time. Sometimes they called it the U.S., or the United States, or the U.S.A, or the United States of America, or just the States. Also, they called Japan "Japan" instead of Nihon. And none of them could pronounce her name. When their plane landed in New York, the security guard had called her Tor-uh and then made some sort of joke about a book that one read at a sin-a-gog, whatever that was. The fact that America was so confusing was why she was helping Shigure unpack, instead of going to the store with Yuki and Kyo.

And the foreigner…the native…the American guy was staring at her. "You okay?" he asked in English.

Fortunately, Tohru remembered what those words meant and nodded rapidly.

He was tanned and muscular, even more than Haru, who was the most muscular person she'd ever met. He was wearing a thick plaid shirt, beat-up jeans, and work boots. He had curly black hair that was just a little long, and eyes the same color as the sky.

She felt herself blushing, and immediately launched herself into a bow. "Gomennasai "

"What?" the guy asked.

Tohru blushed even more when she realized she'd been speaking in Japanese.

"Ehhhh…I am…much sorry for…boxes…" she stuttered.

"No, it's all right," the boy said quickly. "Can I help you carry them?"

Tohru cocked her head to one side, having forgotten what "carry" meant, exactly. The boy mimed lifting the boxes, and she nodded rapidly.

"Need go in…room that goes between rooms?" she said.

"You mean the hallway?"

"Hai!" Tohru exclaimed, forgetting herself. "I mean…ahhh…yes!"

The boy headed into the house ahead of her, and put the suitcases down near the door.

"Why, who are you?" Shigure asked, walking into the hallway.

"I'm Clark Kent," the boy said slowly. He seemed a bit surprised by Shigure's clothes. Tohru guessed not many people in Kansas wore traditional Japanese clothing around the house.

"And what are you doing in my house?" Shigure asked suspiciously.

"He help carry boxes!" Tohru said triumphantly, proud of her new English word.

"And is that all you do?" Shigure asked, an amused smirk on his face.

"I also give tours to people who move to town, if you're interested," Clark said.

Tohru didn't know half of the words in that sentence, but it sounded like a good thing.

"Perhaps another time," Shigure said. "We've still got a lot of unpacking to do."

"Okay," Clark said, waving and heading out the door.

"Bye!" Tohru called, recalling another English word she actually knew.

Shigure shook his head. "Once Yuki and Kyo get back from the store, the three of you should review your English," he said in Japanese.

Tohru nodded in agreement.

Chapter 3: Pretty Boys

(In which Lana develops an inferiority complex and Yuki looks for the eggs)

Lana was at the grocery store, doing some shopping for Nell, when she heard a Japanese-accented voice ask, "Excuse me, miss, do you know where I could find the eggs?"

"They're on the other side of the store, in the freezer…" she trailed off as she turned around to look at the most beautiful boy she had ever seen.

Only a certain sharpness to his features suggested that he was male at all. He had silver-grey hair that fell around his face in uneven bangs, and skin so pale and perfect that it could only be compared to porcelain. His eyes were a stunning shade of violet, the lashes surrounding them long and thick. He wore a fitted, mandarin-collared violet silk shirt and white pants and loafers. Lana had never thought of herself as ugly. But this boy was a prettier girl than she was.

She blinked when she realized he was still looking at her. "Is something the matter?" he asked.

"No…I was just…thinking…" she stammered, her cheeks heating up.

"She told us where the eggs were already, nezumi," another voice said. "Let's get moving."

She looked up to see a boy nearly as pretty as the silver-haired one. His appearance was slightly less girlish, but not quite masculine, either. He was tanned, and a little more visibly muscular than his companion. Both his eyes and his hair were the same vibrant shade of orange. He wore a red t-shirt, khaki cargo pants, a pair of beat-up sneakers, and a black-and-white beaded bracelet.

"Shut up, idiot," the silver-haired boy snapped, turning his head toward the tan boy. He turned back to Lana. "Thank you very much, miss. I'd like to apologize on behalf of my cousin, who is, as I previously mentioned, an idiot."

"I'll punch you through a wall!" the tanned boy snapped.

"I'd like to see you try," the silver-haired boy said with a cold smile.

"Um, if you punch him through a wall around here, you'll have to pay for it," Lana said, trying to diffuse the situation.

"She's right," the silver-haired one said.

"Shut up," the tanned one huffed.

"Thank you again for your help," the silver-haired one said as he headed toward the direction Lana had pointed him in.

"Wait! What are your names?" she called.

"I'm Yuki Sohma, and the idiot is my cousin, Kyo," the silver-haired boy answered with a wave.

"Yuki, huh?" Lana said to herself as the boys walked away.

Chapter 4: Tohru Honda

(In which Chloe makes a number of assumptions about Tohru and Clark learns the truth about Shigure)

As Clark walked away from helping the girl, whose name he hadn't caught, Chloe ran up to him.

"Guess what!" she urged him.

"The Sohmas are secretly a Japanese organized crime syndicate?" Clark 'guessed'.

"We don't know that for sure yet," Chloe said seriously. "Actually, I was able to find some information on Honda."

"Glad your nosiness paid off."

"Laugh now, Clark, but I'm on to something, I know it. Anyhow, turns out that Tohru Honda is the only child of Kyoko Honda, 'The Red Butterfly,' a pretty big-time gang leader in that part of Japan. The kids who are in gangs now still look up to her. His father was Katsuya Honda, who was a student teacher at Kyoko's school when he met her."

"O-kay, then," Clark said. "Sounds like a real normal family. No wonder he moved to America."

"Actually, Katsuya died of pneumonia a little while after Tohru was born, and Kyoko was killed in a car accident about two years ago. After the accident, Tohru lived with his grandfather for a while, until last year, when he listed his "home address" on his school records as a Sohma property belonging to one Shigure Sohma. Two of the Sohma transfer students, Yuki Sohma and Kyo Sohma, also list that house as their home address."

"So his friends let him move in with them?" Clark asked.

"That's the weird thing," Chloe said. "Before that point, I can't find any evidence at all that suggests that they even knew each other. None of the Sohmas were at either of the funerals."

"Okay, so maybe they met a little before he moved in," Clark suggested.

"It's possible," Chloe admitted. "But that's not all. I found something on this Japanese conspiracy website, written by a woman who divorced one of the Sohma. She claims that they erased her memory of her ex-husband."

"If they erased her memory, how does she remember it?"

"Her ex-husband told her about it, of course. And then, like, five days after he tells her, he ends up in the hospital because he 'fell' out of a window."

"Chloe, for all you know someone made all of that up," Clark said. "I was in their house. They're nice people. Give them a chance."

"You were in their house? When?"

"I helped one of them move their luggage inside. A girl, about our age."

"That could be either Kagura or Isuzu," Chloe said. "Did you see anyone else?"

"A man in his thirties with black hair, in some kind of kimono or something."

"That's Shigure, the one who owned the house Tohru lived in," Chloe said. "He's an author."

"That's cool," Clark said. "I wonder if I've read anything of his…"

"I hope not," Chloe said. "He writes some literature, but a lot of the stuff he puts out is not anything your parents would want you to read."

"He seemed really nice, though!" Clark protested.

"Looks can be deceiving," Chloe said flatly.

Chapter 5: Akito Sohma

(In which Lex learns the true meaning of torture and Akito eventually gets tea)

"I trust your accommodations here are to your liking," Lex Luthor said as he followed a kimono-clad young man through his mansion.

"They aren't," Akito Sohma answered. "But I wasn't expecting them to be."

Lex tried not to flinch. He'd never met someone whose gift for verbal cruelty matched his father's—until now.

"Your father hates me, after all," the Sohma head continued, almost conversationally. "But he's just jealous."

"Why would he be jealous?" Lex asked. "Our families are nearly equal in wealth."

"But he doesn't have what I have," Akito said. "He doesn't have permanence."

"Permanence?" Lex asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Long after he is dead, my banquet will continue," Akito declared. "An unchanging existence. I have it, and he can only dream of it."

He's crazy, Lex thought, schooling his features into an expression of removed disinterest.

Akito suddenly stopped, mid-stride, and turned to look at Lex.

"You know, you really are a freak," he said, wrinkling up his nose in a childlike expression that might have been amusing under other circumstances. "You've been bald since you were nine, right? Don't you think that's weird?"

"Of course it is," Lex said flatly, trying to ignore the part of his mind that was actually feeling the insult.

"It's unnatural," Akito said. "Don't you just feel disgusted by it, sometimes?"

"No, not really," Lex lied.

"I bet the people around you do," Akito said, his smile curling into a sneer. "I bet they look at you and think, 'How disgusting!' Even your dad does that, doesn't he? When it happened, he told me about it, and do you know how his voice sounded?"

Lex shook his head quickly, trying to ignore the seeds of doubt spreading through his mind. Was that really what they thought? When Clark and Lana looked at him, did they have to hide their disgust? What about Victoria? Was that why she had chosen his father over him?

"It sounded disgusted," Akito cackled. "Wow, you're pathetic. Even your own father can't stand how ugly you are. He must be really disappointed, to have to call such a freak his son."

Lex clenched his teeth. He needed to get away from this person, now. "Would you like something to drink?"

Akito's face suddenly became the picture of innocence. "I'll have green tea," he said, smiling widely.

Lex headed to the kitchen and tried to get his shaking hands under control.

Chapter 6: Tohru Honda, Part II

(In which the Sohmas arrive at school and Chloe learns a lesson about jumping to conclusions)

The next day was the transfer student's first day at Smallville High. Chloe was ecstatic.

"I know they're hiding something, and I'm going to find out what!" she insisted to Clark as they waited outside of the school for classes to start.

Pete pointed toward one of the buses. "Hey, is that them?" he asked.

"No, the big group of Japanese kids with freaky hair colors was always here," Chloe deadpanned. "Didn't you notice before?"

"Freaky hair colors" was an understatement. Clark stared as they filed out of the bus. The brown-haired girl from the previous day was there, and her appearance was normal enough, but some of the others defied explanation. She was walking between two others, one with silver hair, the other with hair the same color as a traffic cone. He was pretty sure the orange-haired one was a boy, but he wasn't sure if the silver-haired one even had a gender. Not far behind them was a blond boy wearing clothes that were a little too lacy for his gender. There was also a boy with two-toned hair—black at the tips and white at the roots, who looked like he'd left a punk band to attend school. At a distance, a girl with dark, intense eyes and jet black hair that fell nearly the whole way down her back followed them, wearing a miniskirt and tank top that couldn't possibly be allowed by the school dress code.

"Which one do you think is Honda?" Chloe whispered to Clark.

"I'd guess the one with orange hair or the one in the leather jacket with the two-tone hair," Clark said.

"Lana met the orange one at the supermarket yesterday," Chloe said. "His name is Kyo, and he's a Sohma. So is the silver-haired one, Yuki."

"So the one with black and white hair is Tohru?" Clark asked.

"That's my guess," Chloe said.

Suddenly, the brown-haired girl ran up to them, dragging Kyo and Yuki behind her.

"This is Clark, who helped yesterday with suitcases!" she said excitedly.

"Thank you very much for your help," Yuki said, in nearly flawless English.

"You're welcome?" Clark said awkwardly, unused to such formality.

"I hope we have same classes!" the girl said.

"I'd like that," Clark said with a smile. She really was a cute girl, and her enthusiasm about everything was endearing. "By the way, I never did catch your name?"

"Catch?" Tohru asked. "What you do with baseball?"

"It's an expression," Chloe explained with a laugh. "He wants to know your name."

"Oh, I forgot to say yesterday!" the girl cried, looking flustered. "I am much—"

"Very," Kyo corrected, sounding tired.

"I am very sorry!" the girl continued. "My name is Honda Tohru—I mean, Tohru Honda. I am pleased to meet you!"

Clark and Chloe stared.

"What is your name?" Tohru asked, turning to Chloe.

Chloe opened her mouth, but no words came out.

"Is something wrong?" Tohru asked obliviously.

Chapter 7: Black Haru

(In which Black Haru appears and Clark is confused)

Around fifth period, Clark heard a loud crash coming from the other side of the school. Without hesitating, he used his speed to get there within seconds, only to find one of the Sohmas trashing the ninth-grade math room. Very literally, as it appeared he'd kicked the trashcan across the room, and its contents had spilled all over the desks.

The entire class was cowering in the hallway.

"What happened?" Clark asked.

"I don't know," one of the students said.

"It's like he just went crazy," another chimed in.

"He's gone black," a young-sounding voice said. Clark recognized its owner as another of the Sohma, the blond who was fond of lace.

"Haru's usually really nice," the boy continued. "But when he gets really upset, he gets like this. We call it his "black" side."

"Thank you, um…" Clark started.

"Momiji," the boy supplied, smiling brilliantly.

"How do you snap him out of it?" Clark asked.

"It varies. Usually he just needs time to calm down," Momiji said. "If you can, it would be good to get him out of there before he really destroys the room."

Clark, surveying the damage that was already there, wondered what constituted "really."

"Be careful, though, he's really good at martial arts," Momiji cautioned.

"I will," Clark said, stepping into the classroom.

Immediately, Haru's fist was flying toward his face. He caught it with ease.

"Are you trying to get me to eat a burger too?" Haru snarled.

Clark didn't even bother trying to figure out what that was supposed to mean. "Calm down. You're destroying the classroom. I promise that you won't have to…eat a burger…if you don't want to."

Haru blinked. "Well, in that case…." He suddenly looked around the room. "Did Kagura come through here?"

"Who's Kagura?" Clark asked.

"A relative," Haru said absently. "She loves people with all her might. Lots of doors get broken."

Clark wondered if he'd broken the Japanese boy. He was talking nonsense.

"Yay!" Momiji suddenly exclaimed, running into the room. "Haru's back to normal!"

"Oh, did I go black just now?" Haru asked.

"Yep!" Momiji told him. "You broke the classroom!"

"Huh," Haru said thoughtfully. "Guess I have to clean it up, don't I?"

"We heard Haru went black again…Clark, why are you here?" Yuki asked, walking into the room. Kyo followed him, scowling.

"He calmed Haru down!" Momiji declared.

"I'm impressed," Yuki said.

"Hmph," Kyo said. "It's not that hard."

"Then why can't you do it?" Yuki asked. "Oh, that's right, you're an idiot."

"I'm going to hit you so hard…" Kyo said, lunging at him.

Yuki stepped out of the way, then launched a high kick at Kyo's back. The orange-haired boy slammed into the wall, then fell backwards, revealing that his impact had left a dent.

"You didn't break the wall this time, Yuki," Haru said. "Getting lazy?"

"I didn't feel like going all out today," Yuki said nonchalantly, tucking one of the longer strands of his hair behind his ear.

"Someday, it's going to be me kicking you through walls," Kyo grumbled as he got up.

Yuki smiled, but there was no warmth in it. "That will never happen."

The two walked away, still bickering.

"What was that?" Clark asked.

"Yuki and Kyo hate each other," Haru said. "They always have. It's only thanks to Tohru that they can live in the same house without killing each other."

"Aren't they cousins, though?" Clark asked.

"Just because they're cousins doesn't mean they get along," Momiji said. "You should see Aya-san and Yuki. They're brothers, but they can't get along at all!"

Haru looked around the wrecked classroom. "I'm going to get a mop," he announced.

Clark watched him leave, then asked Momiji, "Why would he get so upset about eating burgers? Is he a vegetarian?"

"Something like that," Momiji said.