Disclaimer: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling and the lyrics to A Fine Frenzy.
A/N: I know, I know. I should be working on Keeping Your Eyes On Me. But I have some major problems with the next chapter right now. It's coming though. I was just listening to this song and it fit perfectly and I thought I would try a songfiction. It's my first one, so tell me if you liked it (Flames will be ignored).
This is set after Dorcas' death and an insight on Sirius' feelings, because I thought I hadn't really included it before.
Good-bye, my almost lover
Sirius was lying on his bed slowly hitting consciousness again. He couldn't remember dreaming anything and after opening his eyes, he was confused. He was still wearing his clothes from the day before. When he tried to sit up, he felt his whole body aching. That's when he remembered. Sinking back into the pillows, he felt the tears running down his face.
Dorcas. His Dorcas. Was dead.
"Don't leave me…", Sirius whispered sobbing. His body was shaking violently as he clutched the pillow that was soaked with his tears after a couple of minutes.
He didn't know how long he lay there crying. After some time, he fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. But after he waking up, the tears took over again. He rolled over to the other side of his bed.
Some time during the day, he had no more tears left to shed. His lips were dry and cracked, but he didn't bother getting up. What difference did it make now?, he thought. He continued lying on his bed staring into nothingness. Eventually, he fell into a restless sleep.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Sirius had a nice dream. Dorcas and him were somewhere in the Caribbean with white beaches and turquoise water. He was lying in the sand with Dorcas beside him. Their feet were bathed by the warm water of the ocean. Her fingers were caressing his arm while he tucked her hair behind her ear stroking her cheek.
He knew he should be enjoying this moment, but Dorcas looked so sad. Her blue eyes had lost their sparkle and slowly she was disappearing. Her image fading away gradually. He tried to reach out for her but could only grasp thin air.
Opening his eyes, Sirius realized it had only been a dream.
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
"Dorcas!", he croaked his throat dry. "Come back….please…Don't…leave me alone."
He struggled getting up, an urge to visit the bathroom forced him. Dizziness was clouding his vision and he staggered through the bedroom.
In the bathroom he caught a glance of his reflection in the mirror. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face was ghostly pale. His eyes were blood-shot and red from crying. He splashed some cold water into his face.
He stumbled into the hallway.
He needed something from her. Anything from her.
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
Her front door wasn't locked.
Frenetically Sirius searched through her closet and found a sweater that had her scent. Burying his face into it, he debated with himself if he should stay here or go back to his flat. He decided to leave not ready to deal with whole extent of Dorcas' death yet.
He barely managed to apparate back to his flat without splinching himself.
He didn't even make it to the bedroom again and dropped on the couch, Dorcas' sweater clutched in his hands.
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
He remembered the night they had spent in the pubs of London drinking various types of alcohol. They had been immensely sloshed. Dorcas was giggling like there was no tomorrow and they had actually managed to walz down the pavement.
Or they had tried to.
Dorcas had stepped on his feet with her high-heels causing Sirius to howl. Falling down on the stone, both were laughing hysterically.
Those had been good times.
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
Just two days ago, after that long and exhausting mission for the Order, his life had seemed perfect.
Her lips had found his. He had waited so long for this moment.
They had wanted to be together. It had been such a simple plan.
It had worked for James and Lily. Why not for them? Why did they have to be ripped apart just after finding each other?
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Sirius couldn't take it anymore. The pain in his chest didn't seem to fade. He knew exactly what would help easing it. So, he trudged into the kitchen rummaging through the cupboards.
He always had a stock of Firewhiskey. He almost drained the first bottle completely enjoying the burning sensation the liquid left in his throat.
Slowly, he felt the desired effect. His heart wasn't aching as much anymore. Instead, he felt totally numb. Just like he wanted to.
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
The funeral went by in a blur.
James had come over and forced him under the shower and to the graveyard. Only Remus, Lily and James had attended while Dumbledore had held the funeral speech. Sirius could hardly remember anything his former headmaster said. Something about a 'brave young woman', 'dear friend' and 'gone before her time'.
He had only been able to stare at the coffin where Dorcas' lifeless body lay waiting to be lowered into the earth.
Lily had been standing next to him sobbing uncontrollably clutching James' arm. Sirius felt the tears burning behind his eyes threatening to well up again. He sunk onto his knees grasping a bunch of grass as the coffin reached the bottom of the hole.
He couldn't bear watching as the soil covered the coffin and had fled the graveyard.
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
He strolled aimlessly through the streets of London being somewhat sober. But that meant remembering. Remembering the pain, the loss, the grief. And he simply couldn't deal with that. He stumbled across a pub that brought up memories of their drinking-escapade. Closing his eyes for a second, he entered and ordered a couple of shots of vodka.
He couldn't remember how he had gotten back to his flat, not that he really cared.
Although his head was almost bursting apart due to the massive hangover, his first thought was Dorcas. Again. This seemed all he could think about.
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Why?
That was the question that kept running through Sirius' head.
Why did Dorcas have to be on duty that night? What could've happened if she hadn't been? Or if she had decided to come to him right away?
They would probably be one of those happy couples right now who were planning their future. Wedding, house, children. All of those things that were so normal. Why couldn't they have that? How could Dorcas just die and leave him all alone?
Why?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months.
Time passed but Sirius couldn't get over the fact that the love of his life was dead. Somewhere inside of him, he knew he shouldn't be doing this and that Dorcas would be more than mad at him, but it hurt too much and Firewhiskey eased the pain.
He had eaten only irregularly. Lily had come over every couple of days to bring him some food and to throw away the empty bottles. He was too consumed in his grief to notice her. Neither did he notice the letter from the Ministry telling him that he was fired. Why would he care?
He hadn't attended one more meeting of the Order, no one had managed to get through to him. Though they had tried – Lily, James, Remus, even Dumbledore had tried talking to him, but to no avail.
Sirius would only get up to go to the bathroom dropping back down wherever strength left him. The sweater had long lost Dorcas' scent but he clung to it and imagined how it had smelled.
He was a broken man.
So? What do you think? I have plans for another OneShot with Dorcas and Sirus, including: a break-up, lot's of alcohol and hopefully no tears. Would you like to read it?