Provoking Kurt

by justaholyfool

Blaine loves teasing Kurt on Facebook - and sometimes the Glee Club gives him a little back. T for some language and for mentioning mature themes. Notes: Sam's out as bi, and the Twitter section reads bottom-up, like a Twitter feed. KLAINE!

KURT HUMMEL Simple axiom of fashion: if it makes you say, "What were you THINKING?" – they weren't not thinking. Mercedes Jones likes this.
Wes Dreyer yea like you and blaine getting together Blaine Anderson likes this.
Blaine Anderson YOU IMPUGN MY HONOR, SIR
Kurt Hummel 1) ...Yes, Wes, exactly like that. 2) Blaine, go away. 3) Cedes, I'm talking to you. Santana Lopez likes this.
Mercedes Jones WHAAAAAAAT. You're a hater. They're cute
Kurt Hummel They're Crocs and Uggs' bastard child, AND they've got little alligators on them.
Mercedes Jones They're BEES
Kurt Hummel They're GREEN. They have TEETH.
Mercedes Jones Yellow BEES with STINGERS
Kurt Hummel ALLIGATORS.
Brittany P WHERE?

BLAINE ANDERSON → Wes Dreyer Don't hate, appreciate!
Wes Dreyer woah woah woah your hatred on my opinions is just as much hatred, kiddo... and u kno i love u... i say, dont hate, fornicate
Blaine Anderson Adorable. You know my sister has a Facebook.
Julie Anderson and internet access. i know how all the parts go together, nbd.
Blaine Anderson You don't even go here.
Julie Anderson i know. i just have a lot of feelings.
Blaine Anderson Okay, go home.
Julie Anderson heelllllll naw, bro, i'm the one who misses YOU. YOU come home.
Blaine Anderson Okay. I'll come home this weekend and bring Kurt.
Julie Anderson YAY :D
Wes Dreyer yo shut up, this is my wall
Julie Anderson you jelly?
Wes Dreyer mostly of kurt. Blaine Anderson, Julie Anderson, and Kurt Hummel like this.

KURT HUMMEL → Blaine Anderson So, any plans for the weekend trololololol /creepin'
Blaine Anderson Yeah yeah I was about to text you, quickdraw. /cowboyfetish
Kurt Hummel I was about to text yo' mama. /yomamafetish Puck Puckerman likes this.
Blaine Anderson :-( Does this remind you of Pavarotti
Kurt Hummel GTFO

RACHEL BERRY → Kurt Hummel sooo i was creeping lol and i saw you and blaine r going away this weekend... but i'm having my birthday party and i wanted you guys to be here! :((((
Kurt Hummel I'll talk to manbrows. Santana Lopez and Puck Puckerman like this.
Blaine Anderson At least I know what sex is. Santana Lopez and Puck Puckerman like this.

KURT HUMMEL → Blaine Anderson At least my Patronous isn't a unicorn made out of pansies.
Blaine Anderson At least I have a mother
Kurt Hummel Fuck you.
Blaine Anderson That's not a threat, bud. Remember how you don't know what sex is?
Kurt Hummel We're breaking up.
Blaine Anderson We're not on the phone, so how can the connection be bad?
Kurt Hummel RIGHT, I meant to call you. I'm calling you.
Blaine Anderson Just herpin' my derp on the phone with Kurt Hummel
Kurt Hummel You just masked a burp. We're breaking up.
Blaine Anderson HATERS GONNA HATE
Blaine Anderson Goddamn it get your tea that is SO SHRILL
Blaine Anderson owait I like that because I like to hear you sing LAWL
Kurt Hummel STFU. Why are you so awful? WBU.
Blaine Anderson Hai my name's Kurt I do crossword puzzles while on the phone with my bf because he bores me
Kurt Hummel STOP you're reminding me of my dead mother.
Blaine Anderson Poo-tee-fuckin'-weet, bro. I'm over it
Kurt Hummel WBTFU
Blaine Anderson :-((((((
Kurt Hummel 8)))))))
Blaine Anderson Fine. I get Mercedes!
Kurt Hummel You BITCH.

BLAINE ANDERSON → Mercedes Jones hey hey, shawty want a piece of this? ;-) Kurt Hummel likes this.
Mercedes Jones Uhmmmmmmm... Kurt?
Kurt Hummel Take him, Cedes. He's gross. He burps. He likes those little yippy dogs. He hits on them.
Blaine Anderson That was ONE time
Blaine Anderson but yeah ;-* u liek wut u c bb?
Mercedes Jones Lmao, I love you guys.
Blaine Anderson Threesome? Puck Puckerman likes this.
Kurt Hummel BLAINE Mercedes Jones likes this.
Blaine Anderson Does that mean no?

BLAINE ANDERSON is FOREVER ALONE
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Blaine Anderson Forever a bone ;-)
Kurt Hummel Forever a groan. X(
Blaine Anderson Forever a moan ;-D
Kurt Hummel DO YOU HAVE AN OFF BUTTON
Blaine Anderson Not for you, baby ;-O Mercedes Jones likes this.
Kurt Hummel MERCEDES

KURT HUMMEL dislikes his boyfriend.
Blaine Anderson I thought we broke up?
Kurt Hummel Oh, right.
Finn Hudson wait, what?
Kurt Hummel Not really. He's just the worst human being alive.
Blaine Anderson You seem a little defensive, Kurt. Was it necessary to tell everyone that I'm alive? Isn't that a given? Or did you think they might suspect something else about... you know... the kind of people you like?
Blaine Anderson (...Dead people.) Santana Lopez likes this.
Finn Hudson ? wtf guys
Kurt Hummel Fuck off, Anderson, you privileged porcelain bird!
Blaine Anderson Touchy.
Blaine Anderson *touches* Santana Lopez likes this.
Finn Hudson can someone please explain what is happening

KURT HUMMEL → Finn Hudson Basically: never talk to the hobbit.

FINN HUDSON → Kurt Hummel are you talkin bout blain or rachel Santana Lopez, Artie Abrams, and Kurt Hummel like this.
Rachel Berry FINN! :'(
Finn Hudson i didnt mean to call you that, kurts just bein weird

KURT HUMMEL → Finn Hudson Why would I insult someone as vengeful as Rachel? How about you use your thinking brain next time we talk?

BLAINE ANDERSON → Rachel Berry I am so sorry you had to be a casualty in the revelation of Kurt's necrophilia Rachel Berry likes this.
Rachel Berry iiiif you want my (dead) booooody, and you think i'm seeeexyyy... Blaine Anderson likes this.
Blaine Anderson Please marry me
Kurt Hummel Disgusting, the both of you.

SANTANA LOPEZ → Blaine Anderson RIP Blaine Anderson likes this.
Blaine Anderson Thank you for your condolences
Kurt Hummel I hate you all.

RACHEL BERRY → Kurt Hummel Idk if you can come to my party...we live 2 blocks down from a cemetery... Blaine Anderson likes this.
Finn Hudson its a pet cemetery rach
Blaine Anderson EVEN WORSE :-O Rachel Berry likes this.

KURT HUMMEL → Rachel Berry I am going to kill you.
Rachel Berry i thought you were gay? Blaine Anderson likes this.
Brittany P Can gay people not kill other people? Does that mean not killing people makes you gay?
Puck Puckerman yes.

BRITTANY P edited her "Interested In."

BLAINE ANDERSON → Rachel Berry He's just feeling snarky because life expectancies are longer than ever these days. We talked about it, and we can go, but would it be okay if I brought my sister Julie? She still needs to meet Kurt. She's fifteen, but she's cool. She can't sing, though
Rachel Berry lol. Sure! does she know the nature of the beverages that will be provided?
Blaine Anderson Yes. She said, quote, "Cool, I've always wanted to brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack" Puck Puckerman likes this.
Puck Puckerman I have never been so happy NOT to yet be 18... just sayin
Blaine Anderson Dude, really?
Rachel Berry puck, no! and awesomeeee! i'll text you the times and stuff when finn and i finalize it

BLAINE ANDERSON → Puck Puckerman If you touch my sister, there will be undapper consequences
Puck Puckerman yessir
Blaine Anderson That's all it took?
Puck Puckerman i dont need hands, bro. i'm what they call a "look ma, no hands" kinda guy... if ya know what i mean ;)
Puck Puckerman (i mean i dont need my hands to get her off)
Blaine Anderson Shockingly, even with the clarification, I don't feel any better.
Brittany P Does it get awkward having your mom in the room?
Puck Puckerman ?
Santana Lopez it's an idiom.
Brittany P No I'm not!
Kurt Hummel I love you for that, Britt. No hetero.
Blaine Anderson !

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel Traitor :-( You ate my heart and then you ate my brain
Kurt Hummel Hooker prostitute wench.
Blaine Anderson But I'm still in love with Judas, baby ^o^ Kurt Hummel likes this.
Kurt Hummel ^_^
Brittany P Is Judas a girl? Because then it's not cheating!
Blaine Anderson ?
Kurt Hummel When you meet Britt, you'll understand that's a very normal reaction. It could be all of our senior quotes in the yearbook, and it would be accurate across the board. Tina C-C, Sam Evans, Rachel Berry, and 2 others like this.
Tina C-C or it could just be britt's yrbook picture... instead of her face, just: ?
Brittany P it's true. my motives are questionable. Kurt Hummel likes this.
Blaine Anderson You guys are weird. Tina C-C and Mercedes Jones like this.
Kurt Hummel Takes one to know one, betch.
Blaine Anderson Love it when you talk dirty to me bb ;-o Mercedes Jones and Santana Lopez like this.
Kurt Hummel Oh, right. Broken THE HELL up.

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel Hey hey hey, five days until the partay! Kurt Hummel likes this.

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel Hey hey hey, four and a third days until the partay! (sent by Blackberry)
Kurt Hummel Please don't do this.
Blaine Anderson FOUR DAYSSSS

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel Hey hey hey, three days and twenty-three hours until the partay! (sent by Blackberry)
Kurt Hummel Blaine, I am dead serious. I am going to delete you as a friend if you don't stop.
Blaine Anderson That's not what your eyes say, bb 3 (sent by Blackberry)
Kurt Hummel Excuse me?
Blaine Anderson Well, you're looking at pictures of me on Facebook, so I think it's something you'd dearly regret, to delete me. (sent by Blackberry)
Kurt Hummel WTF
Blaine Anderson ohai i c u thar (sent by Blackberry)
Kurt Hummel WHAT. ARE THOSE BINOCULARS? Blaine Anderson likes this.
Kurt Hummel GET OUT OF MY YARD.
Kurt Hummel And into my pants ;-)
Kurt Hummel I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.

KURT HUMMEL i love my bf more than i liek fashion!
Kurt Hummel my avorite thing is football
Kurt Hummel i hate scarves lol
Kurt Hummel im so annoying omg i wish i was bird
Kurt Hummel im pragnant
Kurt Hummel speaking of infants wuts for dinner
Kurt Hummel BLAINE GEOFFREY ANDERSON WROTE ALL OF THAT. IT'S COOL, THOUGH, HE'S DEAD NOW.
Santana Lopez just the way you like it, boyboy.
Kurt Hummel At least he doesn't TALK anymore.

FINN HUDSON → Kurt Hummel is blaine in our house?
Kurt Hummel I had nothing to do with it.
Finn Hudson ok does he want pizza? burt and i are ordering now.
Kurt Hummel Could you come up here to talk to me?
Finn Hudson no
Kurt Hummel He wants artichokes.
Finn Hudson for real or is that a gay thing Blaine Anderson likes this.
Blaine Anderson Fo' rizzle. I'll get back to you on the other part. (sent by Blackberry)

KURT HUMMEL → Blaine Anderson I miss you.
Blaine Anderson HAHAHAHAHA I KNEW it.
Blaine Anderson I miss you too. But don't worry! There's only three and five-sixths days left until the partay!
Kurt Hummel Affection rescinded.

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel Hey hey hey, onl - *shot* Kurt Hummel likes this.
Santana Lopez ;) nommin tiiiime Rachel Berry and Blaine Anderson like this.

RACHEL BERRY is 17!
Santana Lopez ...it's not that exciting when you think about it
Rachel Berry right? I always expected to have been onstage for at least 4 years by this time :(

JACOB BEN ISRAEL → Rachel Berry one more year and then no one will care ;-D... counting the days3
Finn Hudson leave her alone man, or ill fuck you up.

FINN HUDSON → Rachel Berry happy birthday beautiful
Finn Hudson but maybe you shld delete jacobs post...

MERCEDES JONES → Rachel Berry HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIIIRRRLLLL! See you tonight!

TINA C-C → Rachel Berry Happy birthday! Partyin', partyin'...

MIKE CHANG → Rachel Berry haaaaaaaaaappy biiiiirthdaaaaay

BLAINE ANDERSON → Rachel Berry Happy birthday! The party don't start 'til you walk in!

KURT HUMMEL → Rachel Berry Bon anniversaire! J'essayerai t'arreter de trop boire. ;)

SAM EVANS → Rachel Berry happy birthday!

ARTIE ABRAMS → Rachel Berry Rappy hirthday Bachel!

BRITTANY P → Rachel Berry Merry Christmas! I thought you were Buddhist

SANTANA LOPEZ → Rachel Berry birthday wishes pending quality of alcohol.

JESSE ST. JAMES → Rachel Berry hbd

BLAINE ANDERSON is out with the boyf and kin. (sent by Blackberry)

BLAINE ANDERSON HOLLAAAAAAA dudes and ladydudes, Mckinley high is live tweetin from rachel's 17th birthday party... hit us up! buckaroo11, santittany, teenytinytina #rachzpartybitchezz Blaine Anderson, Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry, and 10 others like this.
Mike Chang mkinley hiiiiiigh 8D
Kurt Hummel "Facial expressions are reality's hashtags."
Quinn Fabray "there is no way we could possibly regret this"

santittany everyone regrets everything.

teenytinytina Mike: My current physical state is not enviable.

buckaroo11 Kurt status: suddenly unconscious. Boyfriend status: mildly concerned

santittany lez do the time warp... again.

buckaroo11 "THE COLORS, CHILDREN!"
buckaroo11 "fuckin lesbians, how do they work?"

santittany "i'll never understand lesbians"
santittany → buckaroo11 slow & steady wins the race.

buckaroo11 → santittany "you've got a... .heh... hare down there"
buckaroo11 Kurt status: caped

santittany "rabbits are a sex thing"
santittany "Kurt's a magician!"
santittany → buckaroo11 wanky ~ ~ ~ ~

buckaroo11 → santittany when you party naked

santittany sam's grinding on puck, and puck likes it. shit happens.
santittany "i CAN'T... NOT... i... i wish i were drunk"

buckaroo11 Kurt status: in denial
buckaroo11 butts are TOTALLY awesome
buckaroo11 RT santittany: "butts are awesome"

santittany "butts are awesome"

buckaroo11 Kurt status: irascible, and weirdly/cutely protective of Julie
buckaroo11 Julie, I am so sorry. For everything

santittany "gay guys... poop their babies" "rachel is a poop baby. QED"
santittany "a little one. like a panda, they're like jelly beans."

buckaroo11 "It's there, but it's not big enough."

santittany she is beacon of hilarity. "maybe when YOU have a baby, we'll see what you can really do." sam is like... hmmm
santittany daddy issues
santittany she's an artist at heart

buckaroo11 Kurt status: inebriated. Note: boyfriend looks 6 when inebriated. Discomfiting

santittany the green fairy tells her what to do
santittany → buckaroo11 suck it.

buckaroo11 → santittany Offended.

santittany quinn likes green fairies (not talking about buckaroo11)

teenytinytina (azn) SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS ~ everybody ^^

santittany "there's no way in *hell* we will regret this, guys"

buckaroo11 Kurt status: ashamed to be associated with Blaine
buckaroo11 → santittany yeeeee yeeeeeeeee

santittanysantana loggin on after like a month. the warbler had the brain flash that to live tweet to remember this night... quinn already agrees

JULIE ANDERSON is now friends with Kurt Hummel and 9 others.

SANTANA LOPEZ → Rachel Berry happy belated, berry. good looks on the party.

KURT HUMMEL Regrets... I've had a few.
Blaine Anderson Then again... too few to mention ;-)
Julie Anderson you got that right kurt... i'm pregnant Blaine Anderson likes this.
Julie Anderson fuck you blaine
Blaine Anderson And why not? After all, the only risk is that I pick up whatever diseases Kurt's given you
Julie Anderson euuuuurrgrghhhh is that likely?
Blaine Anderson Kurt has ALL the diseases
Kurt Hummel Blaine, get the fuck out. Julie, I'm sorry, but the kid is not my son.
Sam Evans it could be mine
Julie Anderson god damn it i said ONE non-straight hookup tonight

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel BILLY JEAN IS NOT MY LOOOOOVAH
Julie Anderson SHE'S JUST A GUUUURL WHO THINKS THAT
Blaine Anderson I AM THE OOOOOONE
Julie Anderson BUT THE KIIIIID IS NOT MY SON (sorry, Kurt) (kind of)
Blaine Anderson (thinks that IIiiiiii am the ooooone)
Kurt Hummel Oh my god it's like a cult.
Blaine Anderson A sexy cult of sexy
Kurt Hummel I forget when anyone said you could talk.

KURT HUMMEL → Julie Anderson Wait, then who was your other non-straight hookup?
Santana Lopez Sam Bi Am.
Sam Evans other than me... satan.
Kurt Hummel Can you guys do your nonsexual flirting somewhere else?
Julie Anderson lmao. and kurt: it was blaine obvvv
Kurt Hummel ...I'm not sure whether I've ever been more uncomfortable. Blaine Anderson and Julie Anderson like this.
Julie Anderson then we are doing our job!

KURT HUMMEL Blaine Anderson and Julie Anderson are a force to be reckoned with.
Blaine Anderson ...in bed
Julie Anderson ...at laundromats
Julie Anderson (ya know, on top of the washers)
Blaine Anderson ...in a car (gotcha)
Julie Anderson ...in public
Blaine Anderson ...with your parents. Conceiving you
Julie Anderson woah buddy. are you my father or my brother?
Blaine Anderson Why can't I be both? ;-)
Julie Anderson *shudder*
Blaine Anderson I understand, finally, the need to brooch one's eyes out
Kurt Hummel What the HELL, you two?

BLAINE ANDERSON → Kurt Hummel YOU MARRIED INTO MADNESS
Kurt Hummel :'''(
Blaine Anderson I CAN MAKE IT ALL BETTER BB 3

BLAINE ANDERSON and Kurt Hummel are married. Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, and 20 others like this.
Brittany P Really?
Blaine Anderson That's what we get for waking up in Vegas :-\
Kurt Hummel We went all the way tonight.
Brittany P Oh you went all the way to Vegas! Say hi to Ludovic for me!
Santana Lopez britt you've never been to vegas
Brittany P San the sewer systems are a lot more complex than you'd think
Brittany P Like me. Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson like this.