Nell sat with her head hung low, her chestnut locks curled hastily and without much care back over her head. Her hazel eyes were damp and glassy and she had her fists balled as tightly as possible; trying her best to not let the moisture escape from behind her eyes. Every time she breathed in, her chest became more and more constricted, and her throat would feel like sandpaper against the skin every time she tried to hold back the chokes of grief and shaky sighs. In between her coiled fingers was his jumper, the one he had been wearing before, cut straight down the middle. She had turned it over after first receiving it hours ago, anytime she even glanced at the dark stains she felt the guilt boil and rise inside her. She was his partner, the one with the training, she was meant to keep him safe.
She remembered every awful second of the event that had happened earlier that day. She had relived it over a hundred times in her head while she waited, thinking about ways she could have prevented this from happening, an outcome where they just returned back to ops, safe. Every time the throbbing in her temples would get worse, and the gunfire would ring louder in her ears. As too did his yell as he fell to the floor and his low whispers as he struggled to stay awake. The harder she tried to squeeze her eyes shut, the more vividly she remembered every detail, and the more she stared down at his jumper which once only smelled of the ocean the more she blamed herself.
"I'm just saying, you should have called me, okay? I would have come to pick you up, that's what partners do," Eric chided as he and Nell walked side by side down the office corridors.
"You would have picked me up at 12:30am from a club an hour away from your place? If I had, all I would have heard is you complaining that I called you, and you would show up in those polarbear pants and the Spiderman shirt," Nell rolled her eyes at the thought, but she did love the way he could be so comfortable in that attire.
"True, but on the way back we could have gone through to that 24 hour diner that you and I both love. I might have even shouted an extremely early breakfast," he grinned, nudging her shoulder.
"Hmm, now I'm thinking about their pancakes," Nell let out a gentle laugh before she smiled at him, turning her head as they walked, "I might just have to call you every night then," she poked his arm and watched him give a mock shocked expression.
"Well, I can't complain about that - an excuse to talk to you every day, even on the weekends," his voice trailed off in that last part, and his eyes began to follow the ground instead of what was before them. He had done it again, turned a completely innocent bantering session into a pathetic plea of his fondness for her.
"Eric," Nell tested.
"I know, out of line, I'm sorry for that, just," he halted just before the door. The slightest of sighs escaped his parted lips as he glanced down before returning his eyes to hers. "Just promise me that if something like that comes up again that I'll be the first one you call, any time of day, no matter how far out I will come and pick you up, no matter how much you despise my pajamas... You know better safe than sorry," he pulled off another smile. "And by despise I mean envy because I know how much you love that shirt," he teased, trying to break away from the tension.
Nell rolled her eyes, "One time I wore it! It was comfortable," she let out a joking groan, "Sometimes you're so aggravating Eric Beale, you know that?" she looked back at him as he opened the door for her, she couldn't help the smile.
"But you still wouldn't have anyone else as your partner," he reminded as he followed her in.
"Never."
She wiped her damp cheeks with the back of her hand, sniffing as her head lifted back into an upright position. The team still hadn't returned yet, the last one she had spoken to was Callen who promised they would all be there as soon as Granger dismissed them from the case. On one hand Nell appreciated that her friends were still out there making sure the group behind this got what they deserved, on the other she badly needed one of them to talk to and reassure her. It felt weird for Nell to want all this, but then again Nell Jones had never felt so numb. All four of them had experienced nearly losing their current partner, they had even gone through losing past ones, she needed to know what they all did to get through this because right now Nell felt weak and at fault. She never thought when she first started working here that she would ever ask this from them but she needed to cry on someone's shoulder and have them tell her everything would be okay repeatedly until she began to believe just a little.
After another hour of no answers, Nell heard footsteps coming up the corridor. When she turned her head, she felt some small wave of relief come over her, but she still remained unsettled. She stood up on shaky legs, his sweatshirt still in her grip and quickly made her way in the direction of the rest of the team until she practically fell into Kensi. Nell felt the older agents chin on her shoulder and her arms squeeze back. Nell did her best not to let out the tears, but it was too overwhelming and she couldn't handle it anymore- the not knowing, the guilt, everything.
"Have they said anything yet?" Sam asked softly as he placed a hand on the analysts shoulder to turn her around.
Nell followed and pulled back from her brunette friend, "No, not yet," Nell wiped her sleeve under her eyes, "There's a nurse that comes and checks on me every half hour asking if I need anything, but apart from that nothing." Instead of meeting all their gazes again she stepped back and moved towards the seats, collapsing back down on the plastic frame and crossing one leg over the other as she studied the pattern on the floor.
"Maybe we should," Eric started without looking back up over to Nell, his eyes concentrating on the screen as he typed.
There were a few moments of silence before Nell answered, this was a regular thing he did- start a conversation like they were already in the middle of one. "We should what, Eric?" Nell picked up a mischievous smirk and turned her head to where he was sitting right next to her, cross legged on the floor, sifting through the company's computer files.
"The Diner, together, sometime soon, possibly?" he began to feel the nerves rise through his body as he felt her hazel eyes burrowing into the side of his head, trying to work him out.
Her eyes narrowed and she twisted her lips to the side as she thought, another quirk she had picked up from her best friend. "Eric, we've been there so many times before, we usually just text each other the word 'Diner' and a time, why are you asking me like it'll be a-" Nell cut herself off and froze for a couple seconds, her eyes darting for side to side. "Eric Beale, are you trying to ask me on date?"
His typing stopped and he was now the still one, then a few seconds later he coughed and shook his head. "No, no, I just- I was thinking maybe we could-" he began to fumble over his words. Words thought of perfectly in his head, but coming out of his mouth like a blender with no top. Feeling foolish and sighing as a sign of defeat he stopped and turned pitifully back to Nell who wore a sweet, small smile.
"What?" he answered back, "I didn't realize this was amusing to you," his eyes slanted, trying to hide the slight hurt as he swallowed a lump of embarrassment and did his best to keep eye contact despite internally cursing himself.
"Hey!" she whacked his arm playfully, "Don't make me feel like the bad guy, I don't have to accept you know."
"Well what am I supposed to think when you- Wait what? " he did a double take turning back to her, his mouth gaping slightly, trying to figure out if this was a joke or not. "You want to- to go out with... me?"
Nell rolled her eyes, "No, the other person sitting right next to me," she placed her hand on his arm. Then all of a sudden, staring back into those green eyes she was the one feeling nervous, this was new to Nell Jones. "I'm serious Eric, we could try it right?" She paused for a moment, picking up Eric's tactic of averting eye contact, "It could be good right?"
Eric voice got caught in his throat even with her still staring off to the floor. He nodded slowly, a grin spreading on his lips. He dipped his head to grab her attention until she looked back at him and saw him smiling back. "Yeah," he whispered, finally feeling confident, "How about tonight? I was already coming over to your place anyway."
"I'd like that," she squeezed his arm, her eyes shining bright as she gazed back at him. "We should probably get to work though," she nudged him, shaking her head slightly in disbelief at what had just happened.
"Family of Eric Beale?" a voice suddenly came.
Nell's head shot up, and she blinked and rubbed her eyes furiously, trying to stand up at the same time, the lack of sleep was taking a toll on her. She felt a hand on her arm steady her as stood up properly, in front of the doctor. Her eyes flickered back up to Deeks and gave him a silent thank you.
"How is he?" Callen asked for the entire group as they all stood close to one another.
The doctor looked over the group before clearing his throat, "The injuries Mr. Beale sustained were incredibly life threatening and the two bullets perforated just to the left of his heart and his lower intestines. We were able to stop the one in his chest as it was through and through, but unfortunately there was too much blood lost from the second shot and we were unable to stop it and retrieve the bullet before it was too late. I'm sorry, we did the best we could, it was just too late... We have him on life support in another room if you want to say goodbye, but I can tell you now there is no brain activity."
Nell felt like someone had a tight grasp against her throat and had suddenly gripped her mid breath. Her mind went blank and she was lost, she had been telling herself she wasn't going to hear those words, assuring herself that it would all be okay, but now it wasn't, it would never be again. Her head began to make a slow shaking motion as her jaw dropped, her eyes welling and blurring her vision. She felt the detective's grip on her forearm, and she struggled to pull away. "No," she mumbled, pulling against her friend. The tears began to stream down her cheeks and she struggled more to get away. "No," Nell could no longer breathe properly, her chest was heaving too fast for her throat to keep up and she was choking
"Nell," Deeks said softly, even the detective couldn't hide his quivering tone, "Breathe, okay, breathe."
"No! He was just here, we were talking, he was right beside me. We- we," her cries turned into muffled begging. "It's all my f- fault, I was distracted, I- I- I should have cleared the room. I could have stopped it if I was focused, he's-... because of me he's gone," Nell sobbed as she was pulled back to the blond man.
"Eric if you continue staring at me like that I'm going to have to take back what I said," Nell looked up to her partner with the same smile that was on his features. "Focus Beale, I'm serious," she nodded to his computer.
"Sorry," he replied, shaking his head. "But look at this, Garret Michaels made deposits of 70,000 dollars each month to an offshore account from January 2009 up until six months ago when his company started going under, one day after he missed the first payment he begins getting nearly five phones calls every day for a week-"
"Then a week later he started receiving threats and those surveillance photos started appearing-"
"Then he started pulling smaller amounts from other companies, but it still wasn't enough to cover the money he had missed. If I were secretly getting 70,000 dollars each month and then it suddenly stopped, I'd be annoyed, maybe whoever was receiving the money finally ran out and came after Michaels?" Eric looked to Nell for agreement.
Nell nodded with a small smile, "I think you're onto something, backup the files, I'll call the team and we'll get going." Nell checked her watch, "If no one threatens the city in two hours we may get out on time," she looked to him in time to see a goofy smile grace his lips. "May, Eric, may," she rolled her eyes and pushed herself up, "Be back soon," she placed a hand on his shoulder before walking off to the other room for better reception.
Nell had left the room only long enough to call Sam and for him to answer before the first shot rang out. Nell spun around in the direction where it came from, "Eric!" she yelled, "Sam you need to get here, call the EMT's too!" she called into the phone as she hurried back, pulling her gun from the back of her pants. Another shot sounded just as she made it to the doorway to see a man hovering above where she once sat. Nell raised her gun and shot the man without announcing her presence, right in the head, before dropping her cell and rushing back over to find her partner. "Eric!" Nell dived onto her knees beside his crumpled body. "No, no, no, no, Eric," she rolled him onto his back to assess the damage. "Eric, talk to me," she begged, her voice breaking.
"Nell..." his voice mumbled and his eyes struggled to stay open.
"I'm right here, the paramedics are on their way okay? Just stay with me, Eric," she told him. "I have to put pressure on them okay, just keep talking," Nell removed her cardigan before wrapping and tying it tightly around the lower shot. She then clamped her hand over the one on his chest as she kneeled over him, she could feel him shaking. Nell reached out her free hand and cupped his face gently to get him to face her, doing her best to calm him, and herself. "Eric, come on, partner, keep those eyes open for me."
"I don't think... I'm going to m-ake tonight," Eric coughed as he looked up to Nell. "Sorry," he whispered.
"It's fine, Eric, we can go out another night, okay we- we can even just stay home if you're not up for it, rent a couple movies and just hang out, but you have to promise me, Eric that you will not close your eyes," she could feel the tears welling in front of her eyes as she pressed her trembling lips into a thin line. As her thumb swept gently and slowly over his cheek she saw his eyes becoming glassy as he looked back at her, he looked so scared and frightened, it broke Nell's heart to have to sit here beside him waiting for the paramedics, unable to do anything else.
Eric tried to take in a sharp breath, only to choke again, letting out the distraught breath of the air he had gathered. "Nell, I- I don't want to die," his green orbs clung to her hazel desperately, "I don't want to go Nell, I don't-"
"Hey, hey, hey," she whispered softly, doing her best not to let him hear the distress and panic in her words, "I can hear the ambulance okay, they're right downstairs, you're not going to die today Eric, not for a very long time either. I'll be right there the entire time too." Nell glanced down to his body not only were her hand caked in blood but her cardigan was also soaked in the dark liquid.
"I hope you know that you, Nell Jones, were one of the best things to ever happen to me," he mumbled, his voice turning into a low, barely audible rasp. Eric took a shallow breath, enough not to choke, "And I hope you know that I-"
The entrance door burst open and there was a quick shuffling of footsteps.
"We're in the back! Hurry, he's lost a lot of blood!" Nell yelled out, her voice cracking. It was only seconds before the EMT's were moving her aside to get Eric, Nell moved back on to uneasy legs, holding herself tight as she watch Eric over them. She felt her stomach lurch as they lifted him onto the gurney and the pools of blood were then fully exposed.
The heels of her boots made echoed clicks against the laminated floor, and her eyes couldn't move from the pale figure lying motionless under white sheets. She couldn't believe it; it was too surreal to process. Eric Beale, her partner, her best friend, the closest person she had was dead. She would never again walk into work and find him waiting for her, always with that goofy smile. Never again would she hear his voice; late night phone conversations, movie nights and game night would soon become just memories. Now every Christmas when she couldn't make it home she would be truly alone, she had Kensi and the rest of the team, but it would never make up for never seeing him again.
Nell stood frozen by the bed, staring down at his still face, even seeing him up close, unmoving Nell still felt like this was a horrible dream that she wished someone would wake her up from. She wanted to scream again, cry, and throw her fists at a wall until her hands were numb. Usually Eric was the one to calm her when she needed it, it could have been something as small as standing just that bit closer to her at work, or wrapping his arms around her frame until her eyes dried, he always knew what to do just by looking at her. She needed him now to tell her everything would be alright, even though she couldn't believe it herself, it had always been better coming from Eric, he had been her confidant.
She let her hand move forward and her fingers curl around his wrist before her other hand shifted back a lock of his hair that was out of place. Nell leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead for a few seconds, she felt his chest constrict again so she pulled back, her eyes becoming blurred. "You were one of the greatest things to happen to me too, Eric," she spoke as she sat down in the provided chair. Nell wiped a trailing tear and hung her head, letting out a breath, "I'm so sorry I left you in there, I didn't clear the room, I thought it would have been okay. But... now you're gone and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you. I should have stayed by you, protected you, like a real partner, I promised you would be safe with me and I-" Nell stopped when she realized how her voice had risen.
Nell stayed quiet for another twenty minutes, internally blaming herself and forcing herself to sit there and watch as the machines breathed for him, knowing this was the last time she would ever see him. So she took in the air her lungs could manage and squeezed his hand tightly, there was even a small, hopeless part of her waited for a response.
"Wolfram, you were meant to be safe with me."
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