40 Forgettable Deleted Scenes of POTC: On Strange Tides
Summary - Here's why this 40 never-before-seen footage were scrapped or shelved before it released on Blu-Ray Special Edition in the not-so-distant future!
Characters - The entire POTC cast!
Disclaimer - This fic is my idea! All POTC characters and plot belongs to the mouse!
1. A rare view of Jack Sparrow's hot ass on the camera.
2. A rare view of Philip Swift's godly hot abs on the camera.
3. A rare view of Angelica's 'ay caramba' hot boobies on the camera.
4. A rare view of Syrena's oh-so-hot naked body (in a human form) on the camera.
5. A rare view of Hector Barbossa's shiny bald head (OW! MY EYES!) – without the wig, on the camera.
6. Blackbeard is the next governor of California.
7. Lord Cutler Beckett's back from the dead (and he's still in a gay-mad-crush on Sparrow)!
8. The Queen Anne's Revenge's crew bitching' each other (including Sparrow) during mutiny on raves – Jersey Shore-style.
9. The Q.A.R's crew acted horny to used their bodies for sex in order to trapped the sadist-loving flesh-eating bitchin' mermaids at Whitecap Bay.
10. Sparrow's old compass replaced to GPS - talked about technology in the 18th century, savvy?
11. Bottle of rum laced with Ecstasy.
12. Before he's given as captain of the HMS Providence, Barbossa is a failed former client of Tortuga Hair Club for Men was given a wig as a souvenir from the former Hair Club president (he's also a client).
13. Because of his figure, Blackbeard is a failed former client of Jenny Craig. But instead he replaced to the South Beach Diet...but failed again, he stabs the owner.
14. Jack Sparrow's nightmare that he's the one of Anton Chigurh's* hit list (b-cuz Anton is Angelica's jealous old flame).
15. Still tied up on a mast of Q.A.R, Swift was praying too much in a threat of being as one of the latest rabid fan service's hit list (Sparrow, Groves and Gillette included *gasps*).
16. Barbossa's missing leg was eaten by his pet monkey Jack– is stoned on weed too much (before the monkey trapped on a bottle).
17. King George is a flamboyant die-hard Lady Gaga fan while dancing alone at the throne room as he dresses himself as Lady Gaga on a balloon dress.
18. Blackbeard ruined his wet dream moment as he awakened from a sound of brawls aboard of the Q.A.R.
19. Jack Sparrow's voodoo doll was replaced to a funky one-hand voodoo puppet.
20. The Quartermaster is the missing jackass love child of Davy Jones and his bitchy ex-girlfriend (before Dave met Tia/Calypso).
21. The Fountain of Youth's spring is made of Botox.
22. Zombies performed the version of Michael Jackson's Thriller before uploads to YouTube.
23. At the Captain Daughter's Inn, Scrum sings Hakuna Matata to I Will Always Love You in his mandola as the patrons threw tomatoes, knives, tables and chairs at him. F#%*!$ light rock!
24. Sparrow was drugged with a dart laced with LSD: he's French kissed one of Angelica's henchmen in a horrible mistaken believe is Angelica (in hallucinated state).
25. To pour a Mermaid's tear on the Fountain of Youth, Blackbeard forcing Syrena to cry seriously–of watching The Celebrity Apprentice on Blackbeard's BlackBerry.
26. Giants' baseball pitcher Brian Wilson is Blackbeard's missing twin in a cameo. Fear the Beard!
27. An angry and out-cried mob of society local lasses, wenches, pirate chicks, mermaids, cross-dressers, transvestites and modern-day time traveling fangirls are protesting the producers to bring James Norrington ALIVE!
28. The Queen Anne Revenge's crew singing I'm On a Boat (T-Pain in a cameo) instead of A Pirate's Life for Me.
29. Alan Garner aka Fat Jesus of The Hangover appeared of On Strange Tides as the Q.A.R. crew with a vengeance.
30. The Lonely Island appeared of On Strange Tides appeared in a cameo.
31. Michael Bolton as Sparrow's body double to perform a love scene with Angelica.
32. Ru Paul as Angelica's body double to perform a love scene with Sparrow.
33. Lt Theodore Groves (cries like a baby) forcing to the producers to play as Syrena's love interest instead of Swift. Oh, I could smell fan-fiction...tee-hee!
34. The Spaniard Lord shows everything because he's ruined the 4th POTC movie.
35. Barbossa raps Like a Boss (as the new captain of the QAR).
36. While he's still touching Angelica's boobies, Sparrow's eyes are opened to the natural beauties of the world and a sequence involving happy things like crashing the waves, flowers blooming, cute lil' bunnies, rain of peanuts and crabs falls at him, gazillions of rum rolled towards him, Gibbs as a tap dancing milk maid, Captain Teague's Spanish dance lessons with a drag queen while he's stoned, Norrington and Anamaria are making love passionately at the Sparrow's cabin leaving half-crazed Sparrow to die at his cell at Port Royal before the execution in two minutes, a sex-crazed love-starved Kraken attempt to tentacle rapes him, Barbossa and Blackbeard tasered Sparrow in his butthole, Darth Vader hugs him to death, the Creep guys featuring Nikki Minaj stalks him forever, Pacquiao won again in 11 rounds, Kenpachi Zaraki obsessed of duel him next after the last opponent, Charlie Sheen rants himself, Greg the alien shrieks in front of the camera, fake and corrupt politicians, a hordes wild screaming fangirls chasing him then rapes him, etc.
37. OMFG, Michael Bolton as Angelica's unborn child!
38. At the final showdown between Blackbeard's men and Barbossa's, they're killed one by one in an overly slo-mo fashion with the music of Hide and Seek by Imogene Heap (a la Dear Sister).
But according from no 11 of 30 Ways To Tell The POTC Writers Are On Crack by WhyIsTheRumGone-CuzURSexy (credit) because I added different on no 38: EVERYONE dies (including Gillette), and comes back in the end of the 5th movie…
39. POTC - On Strange Tides opens yesterday on May 20th, but the end is near today on May 21st because our eyes blinded us (thanks to the god forsaking 3D technology).
40. F!#%^ THE REVIEWS! It's only a pirate movie, savvy. If one movie critic gave a thumbs down...the entire POTC cast and crew walked him/her the plank to the shark infested Caribbean Sea!
Welcome to the Caribbean, love!
THE END
I'm still learning on grammar (a little), so please R&R. KUPO!
*Note - Anton Chigurh is the villain character from No Country For Old Men played by Javier Bardem (Penelope Cruz's Oscar winning hubby).