Ten months. It had been ten months since he'd last seen her. Since he'd last held her, kissed her, heard her voice saying she'd always love him. Ten months since the relays broke in a flash of bright light they'd just managed to outrun and that had stranded them in the middle of nowhere with parts of the ship shot to hell. Ten months since they'd started trying to make their way back, not knowing what they'd find upon their return.

For Kaidan it could have been ten years. He felt every single day deep down in his bones. In his last conversation with Shepard, he had joked that they were old soldiers now. Since then every single day had put an even deeper strain on him, deep down in his soul. He could put it down to the fact that he'd lived to see the end of the biggest war the galaxy had ever seen but he knew it was only part of the truth. The whole truth was that he'd lived to see it alone and that fact was tearing him apart.

Survivors' guilt was something Kaidan was well versed in. Even before Virmire, even before Alchera. But compared to the end of the war, all this still felt more like a concept. Nothing compared to the moment he had to leave Shepard behind on earth, had to listen to her final words to him. He relived that moment again and again, no matter if his eyes were open or closed. It was always lingering, pressing down on his heart and making it hard to breathe. In many ways, losing her a second time was even worse than the first. Maybe because this time around everyone was convinced she was still alive. Everyone but him.

Kaidan took a deep breath, checking his appearance in the mirror. There was nothing to be done about the dark circles under his eyes, the white in his hair that was trying to take reign over his black curls or the grayish look of his skin. Being stuck in space too long would do that to you but they'd all agreed to go to earth first. No detours, no breaks. They all needed to know, really know. Not through second-hand accounts, not through rumors, not through shaky vids, or garbled messages. They needed to see it with their own eyes or at least hear it from the right people standing in front of them. Whatever the answer to the question pressing down on every single Person on the Normandy would be.

Kaidan checked his dress blues and found it acceptable. If it was for returning heroes or just the unwilling CO of a ship that would never feel like his he didn't know. He didn't care either way but he knew he'd need to play the part just a little bit longer just as he had the last ten months. Ever since he'd refused to put her name on the wall. Ever since he had, in a moment of weakness and madness and despair, believed she could be alive. That she could really have pulled it off and survived the unsurvivable just like she always did.

That moment had lasted for all but five minutes. As soon as he was alone again, as soon as he had convinced the rest of the crew, giving them the hope they so desperately needed, he'd lost it himself. It left him hollow and breathless, his heart heavier than ever before.

Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, counting down from ten to regain his composure. It would help no one if he fell apart, not even today. Especially not today. Soon he'd be free to do exactly that. To grief for the life and future that he'd been foolish enough to hope for in the middle of a war and had been taken from him. But for a few final hours, he needed to be strong. To be the man Shepard would have expected him to be in her place.

Pushing away from the sink in the men's bathroom, Kaidan tried leaving behind the dark thoughts but they kept lingering. Clinging to him and following him persistent and familiar like his own shadow. On the way to CIC he nodded to a few crewmen saluting him, excitement written on their faces. He gave them a small smile because no matter what was awaiting them, they were finally home.

As always he refused to spare the memorial wall a second glance. He knew his eyes would just be drawn to the spot where her name should be, the plaque resting in a drawer instead. His refusal of giving her the last honor laid heavy on him but he couldn't change that anymore. Not when it brought hope to so many who needed it so desperately. Kaidan rubbed his eyes, hoping the fatigue wasn't as visible as he feared it was.

"You look like crap."

"And you spend too much time around Vega and Joker."

Kaidan didn't look at Garrus but his lips still twitched. Leave it to his turian friend to not mince his words.

"Not excited to finally get back on solid ground again?"

Kaidan huffed a laugh. "You have no idea."

"Right. Because I wasn't stuck on this tin can for the last ten months together with a bunch of humans."

"Why do I feel like I should apologize for that?"

"Nah, it's ok. It's not your fault your species can be so annoying. Although I'm pretty happy we finally get to see one special representative of humanity again. The Normandy sure isn't the same without her."

"No. It isn't."

Kaidan could feel Garrus' eyes lingering on him, weighing his reaction. He'd been with them on the run to the beam. He'd held Kaidan when he could hardly stand anymore, dragged him back onboard while Shepard ran to her death, leaving him behind. Again. He had witnessed their last moments together and heard their declaration of love. It made him the only person on the Normandy to know that Kaidan had lost more than his commanding officer and friend that day. And it made him the only one who was trying time and time again to get him to open up and talk, to know that his calm demeanor was nothing but a facade to help him get through the day.

Kaidan rubbed his cheek. It was smooth. He had shaved this morning in preparation for their return to Earth, something he'd neglected over for the longest time. His skin felt weird without the beard but at least he didn't look like a "poor homeless imitation of the best-looking pilot of the fleet" as Joker had told him in no uncertain terms.

The elevator pinged and they stepped in, the same heavy silence between them that always seemed to linger whenever they were alone. Garrus had stopped trying to get him to open up, accepting that Kaidan wanted to be left alone with his thoughts about Shepard. That didn't mean he wasn't trying to be there for him. Kaidan knew Garrus was behind all the myriad tiny ways their friends tried to be there for him over the past year. Behind the long sessions of Skyllian Five with the engineering department. Behind all of Tali's questions and requests for help despite knowing she already knew the answers before even asking. Behind training sessions with Vega after which he was so exhausted he could barely move and slept like a stone. Behind all the calibrations Garrus suddenly didn't feel up to anymore. Although as far as Kaidan knew, they all just thought the weight of being the one having to follow in Shepard's steps was what was wearing him down. Fine for him.

Stepping out into the CIC he was greeted by most of the crew, human and otherwise, beaming at him and saluting crisply. He nodded every few steps, a tired smile on his lips. He was stopped a few times by people thanking him for not letting them give up, for giving them hope, for believing. Kaidan nodded and smiled along. He tried hard to listen and not let his own dark thoughts shimmer through. Most were too excited to finally be back to notice, others were likely blaming a lack of reaction on the fatigue. The last few months had taken a lot from all of them.

"Took you long enough. We're almost there."

"ETA?" Kaidan crossed his arms and stepped next to Joker, his duffel already waiting in the cockpit. He had no interest in going back on board later to get it. The pilot didn't look at him, fingers flying over his console, pressing a myriad of buttons.

"'Bout seven minutes, give or take. Depends on how good they're prepared for our arrival."

"Even if our messages didn't get through, they should've picked up our signal some time ago."

"Well, they didn't shoot at us, that counts for something, right?"

Kaidan huffed. "We're not that badly torn up. Even with the new pieces, you can still recognize the Normandy. A lot would need to happen for the Alliance to start shooting at us."

"Well, Shepard might be pissed when she sees what we did to her ship. There might be shooting involved."

Kaidan said nothing to that. The sudden heavy silence made Joker turn around. Like much of the crew, the pilot looked haggard from his time on the ship as well as the sudden loss of EDI. While Tali was convinced she'd be able to get the AI up and running again, the lack of proper equipment made it impossible to do so while still in space. That alone made Joker even more grumpy and short tempered than usually. While Kaidan swallowed his silent grief, Joker wore it on his sleeve. At least the pilot had a chance to get the unusual love of his life back, Kaidan thought, trying to keep the bitterness at bay. Instead, he forced his mind back to the myriad of other problems they'd been fighting.

They had made just a few stops to refuel and resupply as there wasn't much left between the place they'd been stranded at for a few long days and Earth. Most stations were little more than debris, the colonies didn't fare much better. The handful they stopped by had little to spare even though they were more than willing to when they realized who they were. It made their rations last longer but they still had to cut back to make it this far. But the thing they'd craved most was also the thing hardly anyone could provide: news.

The relays were all dead and so were almost all ways of intergalactic communication. By now they knew the Alliance and what was left of the council were working on getting it up and running again but the colonies further out were still waiting. By the time they had reached the bigger planets and settlements, they'd already decided to go for Earth first so they didn't stop more than necessary. The fact that the Normandy's communications were shot to hell didn't help either. Nothing was going in or out, not since Tali and Adams' last try to repair the system had effectively crushed it. He wasn't sure if their last message went out but they'd find out soon enough.

Joker was still eyeing him when he tore himself to the present.

"You don't think she's alive, do you?"

"I never said that." He didn't need to ask who he meant.

"Yeah but you didn't say you did either. Not since you refused to put up her name and that was months ago."

Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out again. "It doesn't matter what I believe, Joker. Fact is we don't know if she survived the blast. If it's true what they said at the last colony, if Shepard was on the Citadel when it blew up, it's unlikely that she-"

"Just like everything she ever did. Damn it, Kaidan, I thought if someone believed that she could survive just about everything by now, it was you."

I can't. This time, I can't.

The words turned to ash on his tongue, not able to leave his mouth. Instead, he clenched his teeth, avoiding Joker's scrutinizing stare to watch the nearing skyline of Vancouver. It looked different than the last time he saw it, of course. Then again, there weren't any reapers hanging between the buildings. There were hardly any tall buildings left but from what he could see, they were well on their way of getting there. People on Earth hadn't been idle while they had been gone.

Realizing he wouldn't get much more out of him, Joker heaved a sigh and turned back around.

"You want to say something to the crew?"

He didn't but he knew he needed to say at least something.

One more time, Alenko. I just a few minutes and you're out of here.

Kaidan nodded to Joker and accepted the speaker, taking a deep breath, unsure of what to say. He could see the crew looking at him, expecting and excited although not for his words. A smile crossed his features, a real one this time. He knew what to say even if at some dark corner of his heart it rang hollow.

"Welcome home."

Author's Note:

So ... I could just go on about how life was very stressful this year (which it was) and why Darkest Before Dawn had to suffer because of it. But instead of doing that, I just quietly give you a new fic instead before starting to write DBD again, yes?

The good thing is that this fic is already completely finished! Five chapters of angst and fluff and smut and humor! I will post the first one today and then a new one every few days. This story is a prequel to The Accidental Proposal. You don't need to read it but it's my favorite fic (by me) so ... read it? Maybe?

And maybe some helpful background information: In this headcanon Shepard and Kaidan are extremely private about their relationship which is why their friends don't know about it. This whole thing started basically as a "but how DO they find out?". I hope you like it!

This fic was not beta-ed so all mistakes are my own. Since English is not my first language, feel free to point out if I screwed up somewhere!