GUILT
The Doctor stood in the middle of Adric's room, unable to focus his thoughts. It had been like this for some time – ever since that fateful day when he had been powerless to act. He had kept returning here, as though searching for an answer without really knowing the question.
The Doctor, Nyssa and Tegan had continued their travels since that day, but the atmosphere had been muted, with no one wanting to speak. It had been the Doctor's decision to carry on as normal, but he now realised his judgement had been too hasty. And he also knew that there needed to be some form of closure for all of them.
He strode out in the direction of the console room. There were some important arrangements to be made, as he reset the co-ordinates for Earth.
A few days later the Doctor looked down at Nyssa and Tegan. "Ready?" They both nodded. They followed him out from the local guesthouse, where they had booked rooms for the week.
Presently they were standing at the foot of the graveside, their heads bowed. Nyssa and Tegan were dressed in black, and even the Doctor had changed his usual dress for something more formal.
The service over, the three friends began to make their way back to the guesthouse. Tegan gripped the Doctor's hand. "Thanks for that, Doctor."
"It was the least I could do." His smiled was strained. "Adric had no world of his own to return to, so in the absence of anything else, a church service in his memory seemed the best option."
"I'm sure he would have appreciated the gesture," Nyssa assured him.
"I hope so, Nyssa," the Doctor replied. "This was hardly his home, after all."
Tegan smiled up at him. "You did all right by him, Doc. You did him proud."
Later that same morning, the Doctor had taken himself off for a walk through the winding country lanes. He'd almost convinced himself that he needed the fresh air. In truth, the Doctor was still troubled, and he couldn't quite put his finger on why.
He'd arrived at the edge of the towpath, just a short distance from the guesthouse. He had to admit, the view from here was breathtaking. Nonetheless, despite being the only walker on the towpath, the Doctor couldn't escape the feeling that he was not alone. Brushing the feeling aside, he continued on, taking in the natural beauty of the woodland.
The Doctor was still disturbed by the time he had paused at a nearby stream. Something was undoubtedly nagging at the back of his mind. "Was all that ceremony really necessary?"
The hairs on the back of his neck stood up on hearing that voice. The Doctor turned to find Adric standing beside him. "Nyssa and Tegan thought so," he replied, without hesitating. "And I thought it only right that we should mark your passing in some way." He looked at the boy. "I must say, Adric, you're looking extremely well."
He smiled. "I'm an after-image," he explained. "But I thought you knew all about things like that."
"Yes, well, I've not had a great deal of personal experience of such things," the Doctor admitted. "Even so, I'm surprised to see you, Adric. Why are you here?"
"Because of you."
"Really?" The Doctor was sceptical.
"I can't pretend to understand these things," Adric said. "But there's a conflict within you that needs to be resolved."
The Doctor abruptly turned away. "You're mistaken, Adric."
"You think it's all your fault," the young Alzarian insisted. "You blame yourself."
"Adric, this is not up for debate." The Doctor turned on him. "Now leave me alone. Get out of my head."
He marched purposefully on, hoping to put some distance between himself and Adric's after-image. He had no wish to be drawn on what had just been spoken of. But the youth stayed no more than two steps behind, even when the Doctor broke into a run. Still, Adric dogged his every footfall.
Finally the Doctor stopped and turned to face the boy. "Are you going to haunt me for the rest of my days?" There was a note of pleading in his voice. "What do you want from me?"
"Only what you desire yourself," Adric replied. "What is it that you want, Doctor?"
"I want an end to this," the Doctor told him. "I want peace in my mind so that I can go on my way."
"And why do you need that peace of mind?"
"Because…" his intended protest died on the Doctor's lips, as the answer to Adric's question stared him in the face. A truth he could not longer deny. "Because… I can't ignore the guilt anymore. And I want to tell you how sorry I am for letting you down."
Adric stood silently as he waited for the Doctor to continue.
"You were trapped on that freighter, about to crash onto the Earth's surface, and I couldn't do anything to save you. I've carried the guilt and shame around with me ever since. I couldn't even bring myself to share that burden with Nyssa or Tegan." The Doctor sat down on the grass verge, his head in his hands.
Adric knelt beside him. "But what could you have done?"
"I don't know!" The Doctor shouted. "I don't know what I could have done, and that's what hurts the most." His voice trembled with unsuppressed rage. A rage directed at himself. "In all my travels, I've faced death numerous times. But it never prepared me for the death of others." He looked at the young Alzarian. "It's happened before, you see. I lost two people who I barely had time to get to know. Katarina and Sara," he said, remembering. "Each of their lives had a purpose. In their own way, they chose their death. But it doesn't make acceptance of their passing any easier to bear.
"And then there's you, Adric. You chose to remain on the freighter, in an attempt to break through the Cybermen's encrypted codes and regain control of the vessel."
"I almost succeeded too," Adric told him.
Calmer now, the Doctor let that remark pass. "Be that as it may, it was still another instance where I could do nothing." He sighed. "What's the matter with me? I've helped to end dictatorships, saved worlds from alien invasion, and yet when it comes to helping one person out of thousands, I just can't get it right."
Adric thought about this. "But in the long run, isn't it better to save thousands than one single person?"
"Possibly," the Doctor conceded. "But when you get to know that one person, it's that much harder when you lose them."
"I think I understand," Adric replied. "You're saying that you value one person's life more than you would a whole world."
"Oh, no." The Doctor was startled by this suggestion. "No, I wouldn't have put it quite that way. After all, one individual holds as much importance as a whole species. It's just that… well, I suppose one can lose a sense of perspective."
"And isn't that what you're doing, Doctor?" Adric eyed the Time Lord. "Aren't you losing a sense of perspective? Yes, you've mourned my death, and that's fine. But don't let the tragedy of my passing cloud any future judgement."
The Doctor returned the boy's gaze, and managed a brief smile. "Do you know, Adric, you make more sense now than you ever did."
Adric shrugged. "I suppose that's what being dead does for you." He stood up. "It's time for me to go, now."
"Yes, I suppose it is." The Doctor also rose to his feet. "Goodbye, Adric. I'll miss you."
The Alzarian smiled. "Look after Nyssa and Tegan." And he faded from sight.
The Doctor was alone with his thoughts once more. Adric had talked a lot of sense, and had helped the Doctor see things more clearly. To put things back into perspective. Brushing some loose grass from his coat, he walked slowly back toward the guesthouse.
Nyssa and Tegan were waiting for him. "Where the hell have you been all this time?" the Australian scolded him. "We thought you'd got lost, or something." Then she saw how ashen face the Doctor was, and took his arm. "Crumbs, Doc. You looked washed out."
He gave them both a brief smile. "I have felt better," he admitted. "Let's just say I needed some time alone."
"It's Adric, isn't it?" Nyssa realised. "You still miss him."
"More than I wanted to admit," he said. "But I think today I finally managed to make my peace with him." He sniffed the air. "Do I smell Roast Lamb?"
Tegan nodded. "Mrs Briggs has been slaving over a hot stove for the past hour and a half. She's been waiting for you."
"Well, we'd better not disappoint her, then. Come on, you two. Inside." He ushered them back into the guesthouse, pausing only for a moment to gaze back to where the towpath lay, just over the hill.
"Doctor, what's wrong?" Nyssa was at his side.
"Nothing. Just…" He turned to her and smiled. "Just laying some ghosts to rest."