I was watching Renewal (the ep that completely won me over to Mike Logan (since I was a little too young to catch him on original LnO)), and the song at the beginning, "Empty" by Ray LaMontagne really caught me because it's so perfect in that scene. So I downloaded it and was listening to it, and realized how it really fits both our men… thus this fic.
Thin fingers press down on the receiver, disconnecting her before she can even completely finish dialing. She looks up, prepared to give him a piece of her mind --
"Eames, don't," Logan says, looking at her with a weary expression.
Like he knows something about what's going on. Like he knows Bobby, like he knows her, like he knows their partnership… Like ticking time bomb Mike Logan knows anything about anything.
"He won't answer."
Those green eyes have always looked so grim like he's seen it all. He was in Homicide when the city was the murder capital of the US, so he probably has. Logan's been NYPD for longer than she or Bobby have, hell, he probably has as many years in as Ross, if only he'd been a bit more political and bit less hot tempered he might be their captain instead…
Doesn't mean he knows anything about this though.
"He'll answer, he always answers my calls."
"Do you think he really wants to talk with the partner who's career he just ruined?"
"He didn't ruin--"
"That's what he'll think though, isn't it?"
"Someone's been skimming through Bobby's books," she sneers, because that's all she can think of to do.
He's right though, that's probably what Bobby's thinking right now. Because Bobby's an idiot who's so wrapped up into his self-flagellation, his hero complex, his chivalry to see that she walked into this with eyes wide open. There was no way they weren't going to get some sort of reprimand for an unauthorized undercover operation. If things had gone better, perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad…
"He's my partner. I'll take care of this, Logan."
She turns her back on the older man, dropping the phone and gathering her coat. Screw him.
"You can't help him, Eames. You're too close. You're --" Logan gets agitated, breaking off his sentence with a 'You know what I mean' look and a gesture to her.
"I'm what, Logan," she's in full ice queen mode, as Joe used to joke.
"No offense, Eames, but there are some things that as a woman you'll never understand."
"Of all the outdated bullshit I've--"
Logan's hands are instantly up in surrender, but his face is set in a mulish expression.
"I said, no offense. Can't teach old dogs like me and Goren new tricks over night. I know you're concerned about him, he's your partner, he's your friend. You're just not the friend he needs right now."
"And you are?"
"There are just some things you'll never understand."
It's the vaguely haunted expression behind his eyes that makes her give in. She remembers seeing that look after his first major case, he gave it to Barek for a week after the case closed. Again with Wheeler with during the deadly home invasions connected to an art theft ring and a foster mother. Last year, just shortly after Bobby's mother died and Wheeler went to go assist with the overseas task force, when his neighbor suicided.
She's seen that expression in Bobby's eyes more often of late.
"You keep me updated, or I'll--"
A charming half grin, broader, toothier, than Bobby's… never full smiles, from either of them.
"Regular status updates, gotcha. He's lucky to have a partner like you."
He swings his trench coat over his shoulders and gives her a small wave before heading off to the elevators.
He's never figured out quite how to take Bobby Goren.
The first time he met him, standing in Deakins' office, he hadn't liked him. He'd heard through the grapevine that he could be a pushy son-of-a-bitch, and he'd been focused on protecting Gina.
He did take him up on the offer of his desk as he pushed out so the three of them could pow-wow. The psychology books, well he'd never had much use for psychology. He was an "old school" cop, no fancy pants mind games, just the traditional "good cop, bad cop" for him thank you very much. He didn't need to 'understand' the perp to book him. Bad childhoods weren't an excuse for criminal behavior, his hadn't exactly been a picnic and he wound up a detective, or at least he used to be.
Goren had saved their lives that night, facing down those armed corrections officers and convincing them to drop their weapons. Goren's secret, he realized, was that for all his psychoanalytical posturing, he really just had the 'gift of the gab' as his father would say. You could have thrown ten shrinks into that situation and even working together they probably couldn't have handled it as smoothly.
Goren, in a small way, had opened the doors for him to move up to Major Case. He'd been ready to jump on that unit commander, in revenge for the hell he'd put Gina through, for scaring him, until Goren had brought him back to reality with a few words. If he'd bashed that man's skull in there would have been no way Deakins could have convinced the Chief of Detectives to transfer him back to Manhattan, let alone so far up the ladder as Major Case.
Then on his first day, when he'd gone to talk with that suspect from the apartments he used to patrol. He knew better, even as he was doing it, you weren't supposed to step on other detectives' turf. He hadn't expected the guy to open up so quickly, or for Goren to be listening around the corner. He'd planned on going to them later, offering his assistance seeing as he knew the area…
He would have been pissed, had he been in Goren's shoes. He'd almost been offended that Goren had blown it off so easily. Looking back on it, it was probably because Goren would have done the same thing.
The Garrett case was when he really started to see Goren as something other than the squad nerd. Their combined love of Frank Sinatra had them finishing each other's sentences while their partners looked on in bemusement. They played well off each other too, falling into step with one another with much more ease than he would have given Goren or himself credit for.
He admired Goren for being able to manipulate that judge's dirty tricks into getting them a confession. He knew what sort of strength that took, and to sit there in the court while Garrett aired all his personal business and stay calm? That took nerves of steel.
They weren't really friends, mostly work acquaintances… but he was the best Goren was going to find. Alex may have been his partner for the last seven years but she was a mostly straight arrow…
He and career suicide were old friends though, and it looked like they just may have a new member to their little club.
He let Goren stew, or probably more accurately (at least if it were him) pickle for one night. His suspension would have been still to raw for any overtures.
The day after, though, he stood on the stoop of Goren's apartment waiting impatiently for the man to answer his damn buzzer. He could have just called the super, flashed his badge and banged on Goren's door, but he was going play nice and put the ball Goren's court first.
"Logan?"
He turns to see Goren staring up at him from the sidewalk. Of course it never occurred to him that Goren might have stuff to do while he was on suspension, like go to his shrink, or go searching for that nephew he'd risked his life and career for.
Goren's eyeing him warily, hiss nimble brain working frantically to try and figure out why he's standing on the steps of the building. They're not close enough for dropping in on each other, and anyways that's not really either of their style. It's a supportive look and nod, like Goren gave him when he shot that undercover cop by accident.
"Thought you might want some career advice. I may be more of a cautionary tale, but you're not the first cop to almost commit career suicide in the name of justice."
"Oh."
Goren looks like hell, even after a week and half free of that literal hell on earth. He didn't have much sympathy for perps, but mentally ill was mentally ill, and it wasn't right to abuse the sick.
Goren's tired, that's good, after a few drinks his defenses will be completely down and they can talk about all the sensitive stuff without having to feel weak. Drunk was always a good excuse for an unexpected confession. As a woman, Alex just wouldn't understand.
"Let's go down to the bar and talk," he says, patting Goren on the shoulder and turning him to one of the corner bars. Goren looks startled, but goes along, probably in too much shock from everything in the last month to do much resisting.
"Y'know," he motions to the bartender to refill their double scotches, "If I'd been in your shoes I woulda done the exact same thing."
Goren nods glumly, fingering the edge of the glass.
"Family is family," he turns and cocks his head, trying to catch Goren's eye, "Guys like us? The NYPD becomes our family, our parents, even if they aren't always the greatest. They're not always appreciative, but guys like us? We make the world a better place. Daddy may put you in the corner for the bit, to 'think about what you've done', but there's forgiveness, look at me."
Goren looks at him funny at the last bit, and even though he's had a few Logan feels the hairs on the back of his neck rise.
What he said was true, to guys like Goren and him, the NYPD is the closest thing to family they have. For him, it's the only family left and Goren's not that much better off than him, with his junkie brother and missing nephew that he barely knows. They've got no wives, no serious girlfriends, no kids… they've got their friends, their hobbies, but most importantly their jobs.
Even when they'd sent him to Staten Island in disgrace with no hope of redemption, he'd stuck it out. Being a police officer is proof that guys like them, guys who got a rocky start, can rise above their pasts. Goren's brother is the spectre of what they both could have been…
"It's going to be okay," he slaps Goren's shoulder in a comforting manner.
Goren's still looking at him, like he's studying him. Not like how he picks a perp a part, like he's trying to burn the moment in his brain.
Aww, shit.
"Th-thanks, Logan, I appreciate it…" Goren mumbles, slapping down a fifty onto the bar, before making his way out the door.
No goodbye. No 'see you soon'. If things weren't so grim he'd be pissed that he'd spilled his guts and got all sensitive, and all Goren could say was that he "appreciated" it.
No time for pettiness though, because the look Goren's been giving him all night, he realizes now is 'dead man walking'.
"Eames, you better call him. He's going to do something stupid--"