You remember her eyes, angrily searching yours. The green was fierce as she asked you again, the steel in her voice.
"What do you mean you can't do this anymore?"
You gulp, the settling cold stinging your unclothed body.
"Jade, I can't. I'm not some- some toy that you can play with whenever you want! I have feelings Jade!"
She sneers at you.
"What feelings? What, love? Do you love me Tori? Well get this through your thick skull, love is bullshit. Love doesn't exist! What you're feeling isn't love Vega. Love is being with someone for years, knowing every nook and cranny of them, feeling everything they feel! That's love! And when you feel like you're slowly burning to pieces inside because the person that said they loved you is fucking gone, that's when you're in love. You're not in love Tori. You don't know what love is!"
You're crying quietly now, her harsh words hitting your barren heart.
"You still love him don't you?"
She's quiet now, not looking at you. She stands and pulls on her jeans, shrugging into her shirt.
"If you love him, then why do you do this to me? You take me, ravage me every night but you're thinking of him!" you nearly scream, your sobs increasing in volume.
"It was just mindless fucking Vega, god there's no need to be a crybaby. And obviously, since you can't handle it, we're done. Whatever this was, it's over."
She slips out your window, leaving the night air to come in and swirl around your broken body. You curl up on your bed, shattered to pieces and let the black overtake you.
You say goodbye to the gang, shooting them all a smile. Your eyes linger on her but she refuses to look at you, too infused in Beck. Your heart aching, you turn and climb into the car, Trina babbling about Andre's grandmother as she drives home. You give monotonic answers and she eventually gets fed up of your unresponsiveness and turns on the radio, singing along.
You walk up to your room when you reach home, giving your mom a fake smile and an automated response about the Full Moon Jam. She lets you go and you plop down on your bed, letting the tears fall lightly.
You enter the double doors and Andre comes towards you smiling.
"Hey chica!"
You paste your cheery smile on your face, the one that comes so naturally to fake now, and launch into a story about Trina's exploding pants. You're distracted from your heartbreak until you see Beck. Your stomach churns but you converse with him, politely declining his offer to sing at the Full Moon Jam, your throat still raspy from the crying that you've done every night for the past two weeks. Andre walks off, talking to his grandma, and you continue to talk to Beck, pushing away the thoughts of screaming your heartbreak at him. Why him? Your eyes run over his clothes, his hair. There's nothing special about him. A slight anger flares up in you when suddenly, Meredith comes rushing along. You watch her ask Beck to hang out and a malicious thought slips into your mind.
"If she can't have him because he's taken, she'll come back to you."
With this egging you on, you try to get him to take her up on her offer only to be slightly irritated when he refuses.
"Why can't he just go out with her?" Your brain seethes.
He drags you into the janitor's closet (your place with Jade, oh god it hurts) and you stand a good distance away from him as he explains. You know Jade is still in love with him so you understand but you hate it. You think at lightning speed, trying to find a way out of this situation.
Jade needs to date someone.
The thought physically hurts you but you hide it well, that practiced smile glowing on your face as your blood churns inside.
"It's the only way Tori," you think. "If she dates some other guy, she can't come to you and use you like that again. And you won't get hurt."
Begrudgingly, you tell Beck your idea and later try to rope Andre into asking her out. You're secretly ecstatic when he says no, (later after they kiss, he pulls you aside and hugs you, whispering that he knew all along and it's okay to cry and you break down in his arms) but you need to find someone so you can stop hurting. So you pay Gilbert, hoping he succeeds but he's scared off by her (he's an idiot, she's perfect, why can no one see that?) and you fail again. You see the angry glint in her eyes when she realizes you paid a boy to ask her out (but she had to know it hurt you, you're in love with her, she knows that) and maybe there was…. Pain? You tell yourself to stop imagining things and run, because she's chasing you until she finds you in the janitor's closet, yelling at you and Andre. Beck tells her to stop, put the toilet paper down (your blood boils, how dare he treat her like a dog?) and she obeys. You take the yelling, you see the forest in her eyes on fire and you stop, realizing that Beck is going to date Meredith, and maybe, just maybe, you have a chance now.
You pull out your phone, seeing a text from all of them, all of them except him and her. Your eyes sting and you realize they're together and he's touching her, kissing her, your Jade, and why god couldn't you keep your mouth shut and let her touch you, let her kiss you with those soft lips? And now she's gone, away, with him, because she's not yours anymore, she's his.
You watch Beck and Meredith, pleased because now Jade can be yours, Beck's taken. And when Beck walks over to you, your happiness is real, asking him how his date is because she's free now and maybe she'll love you the way you love her. But when Beck talks about how he wants someone who fights with him and has strong opinions and the way he looks at your Jade when she comes out on stage, you know, you know he wants her and she wants him and it's over. She sings, taking your breath away and putting a smile on your face, something she never seems to cease doing. But when he walks up to her and you watch them, your heart breaking as he says those three words that end your life and how willingly she melts into his arms, you know that you never had a chance. It's him, it always was. No matter how many times her fingers trailed down your body or her teeth marked your skin, she was never yours.
You throw your phone across the room, digging your face into your pillow as you scream, asking why, why did it have to happen like this? Why couldn't she be yours and you be hers and that love she has for him would be for you just like your love for her will never go away. And now, your chances are gone, her sparkling eyes wont sparkle for you anymore, those rosy lips wont curl into a smile for you anymore, it'll be for him, only him, and you've vanished. Vanished from her life.
You were just a toy.
And now you're broken.