Of Prepubescent Whims
By: firefly
Note: inspired by one of the Bleach omake chapters. The fic will probably be two chapters, or three at most. As always, reviews would be love.
Of Prepubescent Whims
"Ken-chaaaan!"
Cracking open one bleary eye, the 11th division captain glanced up from his pillow, seeing Yachiru smiling brightly and standing near his bedside.
"Whaddaya want?"
"I'm going to go play, kay?"
"With who?"
"The pretty captain!" she replied enthusiastically, rocking on the balls of her feet.
"Nngh," Kenpachi affirmed, burrowing his face into the pillow.
Every morning for the past two weeks, she'd started the day with this routine. Flouncing into the room when he was at his most incoherent, she'd ask to go play with "the pretty captain".
And because Zaraki Kenpachi was not a morning person and automatically gave her permission, thoughts of who it actually was didn't cross his mind.
Until today.
It wasn't until she had bounced out of the room did he come to realize that "the pretty captain" didn't ring a bell.
Sitting up abruptly, he glared down at his sheets, racking his sleep-fogged brain for a captain fitting her description.
The only two candidates he came up with were Unohana and Soi Fong.
The corner of his mouth twitched.
Soi Fong was not unattractive, but then again she was too much of a stone cold bitch to be described as pretty. Unohana, though very pleasing on the eyes despite her ridiculous hair, barely had time to breathe with her responsibilities, let alone have time to play with Yachiru.
"Damn brat," he muttered, rubbing his eyes before stumbling out of bed. "Wouldn't kill her to learn a few names."
With every hour that passed after that, the more his inner turmoil seemed to fester. She had been playing with this person for two weeks and he had no clue as to who it was.
Although she was more than capable in looking after herself, the fact that her new friend was a captain seemed to put an irksome burden on his thoughts. The fact that he couldn't pin a name to her playmate brewed feelings of annoyance and anxiety, manifesting itself as a rather frightening twitch in his left eye.
Looking for a distraction, he headed towards the 11th division office.
And instead of relaxing, his frustration sky-rocketed when he found a few dirty magazines lying around the office. The gears in his mind turned, and suddenly, every single person in a fifty mile radius seemed like a potential pervert.
Paranoia took over.
"Oi," he started loudly, striding into one of the 11th division arenas. "Which one of you bastards knows where Yachiru went?"
"Eh?" Ikkaku squinted, scratching his head. "She didn't tell us, Taichou."
"Oh, I heard her," Yumichika called airily from the side. "She sounded quite delighted, too"—
He was cut off when his captain grabbed him by the front of his robe, jerking him forward and glaring poison.
"Spit it out, dumbass. Who's she with?"
Impervious to the vibes of death Kenpachi was radiating, Yumichika merely raised a finger and smiled, mimicking Yachiru's voice.
"Bye bye, guys! I'm going to go play with the pretty captain!"
"Which pretty captain?" Kenpachi gritted out, shaking him furiously.
"Maybe Unohana-taichou?" Ikkaku guessed from behind.
Kenpachi snorted. "Woman ain't got the time."
"Uh, then…Soi Fong-taichou?"
"I wouldn't call her pretty," Yumichika said thoughtfully, still dangling in midair. "She has an exotic sort of beauty, a sort of feisty flair"—
"Shut up, she's too bitchy," Kenpachi interrupted, left eye twitching again.
Ikkaku made the mistake of snorting into his hands.
"Then…Komamura-taichou?"
Kenpachi dropped Yumichika and whipped around, upper-cutting Ikkaku and sending him flying through a wall.
"Jackass! He's a fuckin' dog!" he roared after him, ignoring it when Yumichika coughed and politely muttered the word "fox".
"Taichou, please calm down," Yumichika said consolingly, patting him on the arm. "I'm sure she's fine. Have a little faith in our fukutaichou!"
His eye twitched again, and just as he was about to stalk after Ikkaku and beat away his anxieties, a familiar, high-pitched voice rang out.
"Ken-chaaan!" Yachiru sang, skipping past Ikkaku's unconscious body. "I'm back!"
Whipping around, relief flooded him to see a happy and unharmed Yachiru hopping over rubble and a small puddle of blood.
"Ehhh, baldie bled all over the floor," Yachiru marveled, toeing Ikkaku in the side. "You gonna punish him, Ken-chan?"
When he didn't answer, she glanced up at him, smiling quizzically.
"Ken-chan?"
Zaraki Kenpachi, at that moment, decided that should the need ever arise, he'd gladly hand over his life for her sake.
"Brat," he said gruffly, anger ebbing into annoyance. "Where were you?"
"Playing!" she chirped.
His eye twitched again.
"With who?"
"Eh? Ken-chan is getting old!" she laughed, grabbing a fistful of his robe and hauling herself up onto his shoulder.
"I told you, the pretty captain!"
"Yachiru," he said through gritted teeth. "Which pretty captain?"
She giggled, horrifying him when she pressed her hands to her reddening cheeks.
"Guess! Oh, I have to go wash my hands. I painted a lot with him today." Hopping off, she flounced away into the building, leaving a shocked Yumichika and motionless Kenpachi in her wake.
"Ahaha, taichou, please, just stay calm"—
Yumichika was sent yelping and tumbling away when Kenpachi's scream rang throughout Sereitei.
"HIM!"
During dinner later that evening, no one but Yachiru sat next to the glowering captain. Ikkaku, nursing a tender jaw, huddled with Yumichika and kept throwing paranoid glances over his food at his captain's two twitching eyes.
"Ne, Ken-chan, can I go and play tomorrow, too?" Yachiru asked, picking out her vegetables and placing them on his plate.
Ikkaku sank to the floor when Kenpachi's reiatsu spiked.
"No."
"Why not?" she demanded, prodding him with her chopsticks.
"Because I said so."
"But why, Ken-chan?" she pouted, brow furrowing. "I had fun today! I even painted a picture!"
"Why don't you show it to us, then?" Yumichika said with deliberate cheerfulness, frightened of how his captain's face was changing from red to puce.
"Okay!" she said delightedly, hopping off her chair. "I'll go get it!"
There was silence in the dining room. That is, there was until Ikkaku whimpered upon hearing Kenpachi's chopsticks snapping in his hand.
"Got it!" Yachiru came bounding back into the room, running over to Yumichika's side.
Smiling at her eagerness, he took the paper from her hand, daintily raising the rim of his glass to his lips.
"You like it?" Yachiru asked, eyes sparkling.
He lowered his eyes to the painting.
…and immediately sprayed his water halfway across the room.
"Pfft!"
Coughing, eyes wide and arms flailing, he attempted to laugh off his reaction, only to fail when Ikkaku took a glance at the painting and choked.
"What?" Kenpachi growled, rising in his seat. "What is it?"
"Nuh-uh! Ken-chan can't see it!" she giggled, and again a sense of utmost horror filled him when Yachiru, lieutenant of the 11th division, blushed.
"Gimme the picture," he said in a strained, quavering voice, rage in every syllable.
"Ahahaha!" Yumichika was laughing hysterically. "Taichou! You wouldn't believe it if I told you. I'm ashamed I failed to see it!"
"Give. Me. The. Picture."
"Honestly, he is quite pretty! Beautiful even! Why, I'm jealous! Haha, I'm"—
"Give me the damn picture!" he roared and lunged out of his seat, knocking over a squirming and screaming Yumichika, Ikkaku, and a poor random soul who just happened to be sitting next to them.
"No, Ken-chan! You can't look!" Yachiru leapt onto his back, wrapping her small arms around his neck and tugging vainly as Ikkaku and Yumichika's muffled screams sounded from beneath them.
"Yachiru!" he staggered to his feet when she managed to snatch the picture out of his hands, darting out of the room before he could blink.
Cursing, he looked down at his flattened subordinates.
Ikkaku was unconscious again. Yumichika managed to stagger to his feet, wheezing and clutching his ribs, eyebrows askew.
"Taichou," he said weakly. "Was that really necessary?"
For a moment, Kenpachi contemplated running after her and disemboweling Yumichika out of aggravation, but instead he just cursed again, punching a hole in the wall.
"I'm sorry, taichou," Yumichika said delicately, cautiously putting a hand on his captain's shoulder. "You just have to face the fact that she's growing up."
"I don't want her to grow up," he muttered, not realizing how incredibly pathetic he'd just sounded.
"Well, it's not too surprising, is it? He is quite attractive; a more than viable choice for Yachiru-chan's first crush"—
"Crush?" Kenpachi echoed, voice trembling with fury. "I'm going to lop off his goddamn head."
"Taichou," Yumichika said softly, pointing towards the door. "I'm sure that would upset her. Instead, I think…you should first talk to her about it. Gently."
Kenpachi looked between his sword and the door, jaw working furiously.
Yumichika smiled slightly when his captain finally relented, sighing and stalking out the door.
Deciding to talk to her had been hard enough, but actually going through with it proved near impossible.
He must have paced outside her door for more than an hour, trying to quell the overpowering urge to send heads flying.
But then, what had Yumichika said?
Oh yeah, cutting off heads, in this case, would probably sadden her more than amuse her.
When he finally got it together and slid open her door, he found her asleep, still in her shinigami uniform.
Deflating, he rolled his eyes and sauntered over, looking down at her tiny, curled up form. Muttering "baka" under his breath, he draped the blanket over her shoulders, blinking when his fingers brushed paper.
A closed look enveloped his features when he saw her clutching the rolled up painting.
Tugging gently on one end of it, he managed to pull it from her hands without rousing her.
Clenching his jaw, he unfurled the piece of paper, raising it to his eyes.
Yachiru smiling, laughing, surrounded by hearts, holding the hand of…
The paper shook. His eye twitched.
The pretty captain.
The expressionless statue.
The noble prick.
Kuchiki Byakuya.
Next chapter: Yachiru talks and Ken-chan pays the pretty captain a visit.