This story is a sequel to my story "Cries and Kisses." It takes place during episode 1:16 "Memories of Murder," shortly after Henry and Jo's meeting with Iona at the university.
Jo caught herself staring off into space again and shook her head in frustration. It wasn't the first time and she was angry at herself for continuing to become distracted. She focused again on the papers in front of her but couldn't forget the reason of her preoccupation. Or rather the person for it. It was someone who she really hadn't ever expected to see again and someone whose presence still left her rattled.
Jo didn't want to think about the quick prickle of excitement she had felt when she'd seen Iona earlier today. She had felt pleased when they had found that Iona was the professor they needed to speak to about Sarah Clancy's case; it was a nice surprise. It had also been humorous to see the way Henry had reacted to the surprise. But it hadn't lasted. Soon, Jo was remembering the time that she'd spent in Iona's office and how she'd lost it so completely in front of her. She'd revealed more of herself to Iona that night than she had to anyone in a very long time and she couldn't help but feel exposed in Iona's presence. It wasn't that she was worried Iona would say anything about it to anyone she was only embarrassed remembering.
She really hadn't had any reason to feel that she needed to get away from Iona. Iona was a professional, of course, and handled herself in such a manner but that didn't mean she wasn't thinking about it too. It had all made Jo feel terribly exposed. Seeing Iona had dredged up some things in Jo and that was what she really trying to stop.
Jo had thought about Iona's previous offer many times. After their first session together, she had told Jo that her door was open if Jo ever wanted to come back for another session. She had honestly considered it, many times in fact. But she could never bring herself to make the first move and show up on Iona's door. She supposed it was hard for her to admit that she needed help, especially that kind of help. She had eventually dismissed the idea of going to see Iona again completely and had almost convinced herself she wouldn't even want another session. She didn't think she would see Iona again.
She had just gotten back from seeing the crime scene with Henry where Sarah had been murdered. It had been easy to forget the encounter with Iona when she was busy. But now that she sat at her desk trying to complete paperwork it was much more difficult.
Jo was still trying to forget the whole meeting when she saw someone approaching her desk. She did a double take when she realized who it was. Iona was walking towards her and she felt nervous. It was not common that someone was able to make her feel that way. But then again her time spent with Iona was anything but common.
"Iona," Jo greeted. "Please, have a seat," she said gesturing towards the chair next to her desk. "Did you remember something else about Sarah?"
"No," Iona said having a seat in the chair facing Jo. "I'm actually here about you."
"Me? " Jo asked, starting to feel a little nervous, but trying to remain casual. She hoped her thoughts hadn't shown as much as she felt they did.
"Yes, we didn't really get a chance to talk earlier and I wanted to check on you," her voice kind and full of concern.
"What for?" Jo asked, trying to sound alright when she didn't feel it. She obviously hadn't escaped Iona's notice like she thought she had.
"You seemed upset earlier and I just wanted to see if you were alright."
"I'm fine," she said. It was a reflex answer. She'd said it without even thinking; she wasn't even sure if it was true. Probably it wasn't true but she realized it was what she always said, regardless of how she felt.
Iona looked at her and Jo could tell she didn't really buy it. Jo figured that was fair enough since it was a lie anyway.
"I was just surprised to see you," Jo added, which was the truth. Just not the whole of it.
"Are you sure? You were awful quick to dismiss my assistance with Sarah's case. It seemed like maybe you were upset with me."
Jo felt bad when she remembered. She had been quick to refuse Iona's help and it had seemed rude. She had just been so intent on getting out of there as fast as she could she hadn't thought about how she was coming across.
"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "That was rude of me. I didn't mean anything by it. Certainly, not against you. Henry was there and I was working and I hadn't been expecting to see you. I was just…embarrassed."
"I promised you that I wouldn't say anything to Henry about our session and I meant that," Iona reassured.
"I know," Jo said quickly. "I wasn't worried about that."
"Then, what?"
Jo fidgeted a little before answering. "I just…seeing you again, I remembered what happened during our session."
"And that made you uncomfortable?"
Jo glanced around the bullpen nervously a few times. It was loud and busy as usual but she couldn't help but lower her voice, afraid that someone might overhear their conversation. She wasn't sure she could ever survive the embarrassment if someone at work had found out she had seen a domination therapist. She imagined what Hanson or any of the others might say if they found out and she knew without a doubt she would never live it down.
"I'm just not used to having anyone see me that way," Jo admitted quietly.
Iona noticed Jo's sudden unease. She fixed Jo with a stare, studying her, no doubt remembering their previous session and probably picking up a wealth of new information as well. Iona did remember that time. She remembered Jo's pain, how she had tried to hold it in, how she hadn't been able to hold it in. She knew just how broken Jo really was. Jo felt uncomfortable knowing now that Iona was remembering but she forced herself not to look away.
Iona looked as if she were on to something and Jo wondered quickly what she might have said in between the lines. The stare wasn't too long but it was longer than Jo felt comfortable with.
"You know what, I shouldn't be taking up your time like this while you're at work," Iona finally said with a smile.
"That's alright." Jo said, feeling relieved Iona seemed to be moving on. She thought that maybe Iona was satisfied with whatever information she had gleaned and didn't seem a need to press further. "I appreciate the gesture."
Iona stood up but she paused, leaning down to speak to Jo again. Her voice was low, meant just for Jo. "I will be in my office this evening but I don't have many appointments. My last one will be over 8:00. If you decide you need to talk or if you need…more, come and see me."
Iona looked to Jo for confirmation that Jo understood what it was she was saying. Jo was surprised at this sudden end to their conversation but more surprised at Iona's offer. Their first session had happened quite by accident but this was an actual offer for another. This one would be intentional.
Jo wasn't sure how to answer, knowing that her answer would lead where things were going to go. Her barrier to going back to Iona was now removed. Iona was inviting her to come, even giving her a date and time.
"Sure," Jo said nodding though it was difficult.
Iona smiled then turned and left, as quick as she had come, leaving Jo sitting there with her mouth ajar as she watched her go. She was left to ponder why it affected her so much. Why did a kind offer leave her in such turmoil?
"What are you doing here Martinez?" Jo mumbled to herself. She let out a frustrated sigh as she stared at the door to Iona's office. She couldn't believe she was even here let alone considering knocking on the door and going inside.
She had no explanation even to herself for why she was here. The only thing she could say was that she had not been able to get Iona's offer out of her head all day. She wasn't sure why the Iona's offer was so appealing to her but she was pretty sure it was not going to go away until she had done something about it.
Seeing Iona again today had made her dwell a lot on that previous session. She hadn't thought about it recently but she had thought of nothing else since Iona had stopped by the precinct this afternoon. What stuck in her mind the most, was the vulnerability of it. She couldn't stop remembering how she had felt when she was with Iona that time.
It had been distracting remembering the comfort Iona had given to Jo, how she had been so gentle and kind to her after she'd broken her completely. Even the pain Jo remembered fondly. It had been liberating, healing, ironically enough. Had she not experienced it for herself she would have found that statement ridiculous. But the physical pain had made her vulnerable enough to face her emotional pain. Jo didn't want to admit that she wanted that again.
What it also made her realize was that, she wasn't like that with anyone. Yes, she had opened up a little to Henry. Since her previous session she had faced her pain more. She didn't run from it like she used to. She had even let Henry see a bit of that. But she still felt like she hid so much of herself, even from him. Her life was missing that and she hadn't really known it. Now that she did she realized she couldn't ignore it anymore.
But Jo still couldn't help but pause. The first time she had come to this office to see Iona it had truly been on other business. It was only after that was taken care of that Iona started to work on the issues that Jo had. Though she hadn't forced Jo into anything Jo could still reason that she had never meant for it to happen. But this time would be different. There would be no denying that Jo wanted this, that she choose this.
Somehow, with all of that still swirling inside of her head she managed to make herself knock on Iona's door before she lost her nerve. She still wasn't sure if she would come to regret it or if she would thank herself for it in the end.
"Jo," Iona greeted with a smile after she opened the door. "It's good to see you again."
"I don't know why I'm here," Jo blurted out. So much for sounding carefree and relaxed, she grumbled to herself. She had only just opened her mouth and already her emotions were betrayed.
Iona was not fazed by it though. Jo was sure she could read much into the clumsiness of her words but she said nothing about it. She only smiled warmly at Jo.
"You're here to take care of yourself" she said as if it were so obvious and made perfect sense. She reached out a hand to Jo's shoulder touching it gently and pulling on it only slightly, motioning her in. The movement was so light it was almost non existent but it drew Jo in.
She followed Iona as she walked over to the couch. Iona sat down and patted the place next to her for Jo to sit. She was glad to see that Iona was wearing the dress she had been wearing earlier in the day. She was relieved that Iona didn't bother with costumes or lingerie with her. Though she was sure it was completely effective on Iona's male clientele she knew it would only make the experience infinitely more awkward for her. As it was, Iona looked normal and Jo could almost pretend that what was happening here was normal.
Jo balled her hands in her lap and glanced around the room. It was nervous behavior the kind of which Jo hardly ever did but it was like she couldn't control herself. It was as if she was already letting go of herself.
"You're feeling uneasy," Iona stated, taking in Jo's behavior and silence.
"Yes," Jo admitted. Maybe the direct approach was the best.
"Just relax; we'll start just by talking. We won't go any farther than that if you're not comfortable with it."
"O.K." Jo said nodding.
"I was glad I ran into you today. It was good to see you again," Iona said, taking the lead when Jo didn't.
"Really?" Jo asked surprised.
"Sure. I've thought of you and wondered how you were doing."
Iona gave her a look inviting her to talk. Jo knew she was talking about the issue that had lead to her first session. She was wondering how Jo was doing with the pain of Sean's death.
"I'm doing...better," she said honestly. "There was actually a case a few weeks ago that was related to a case Sean had worked on. It brought up a lot."
"And how was that for you?" Iona asked, her attention completely focused on Jo.
"It was hard. But I faced it. And I talked to Henry about it. I actually told him a part of the story I hadn't told anyone," she said remembering. She hadn't told anyone about the fight she and Sean had that last time she had spoken with him. After he had died she'd felt so guilty that her last conversation with him had been an angry one, that she hadn't told anyone about it. It had been a burden and she'd hated carrying it. She hadn't even been planning on telling Henry but it had just happened. It had felt right; she trusted him and it had helped sharing that with someone else.
"I'm really glad to hear that," Iona said sincerely.
"I know I probably have you to thank you that. I'm not sure I would have had the strength for all of it, if I hadn't...you know," she said uncomfortably.
"You do have the strength; you had it all along," Iona said sincerely. "I didn't do anything but help you see it."
"I suppose so," she said nodding and then falling into silence.
"Is there something specific on your mind that you would like to work on today?"
"I don't know," Jo admitted. "Is that weird?"
"Not at all. In fact, most of the time my clients don't know what it is that they need to work on until they are working through it."
Working through it. Jo glanced over at the room where Iona kept the tools of her trade. She knew what that meant. She was hit by the reality of this situation. Had she really come here to subject herself to more torture? Was she really volunteering for that? She knew something was bothering her but she was afraid of bringing it out. Unlike the last time she was here, she had no doubts that it would work and it was frightening to agree to it knowing it would produce results.
"I don't know. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Jo said. The nervousness had almost gotten the best of her and she was preparing to flee.
"You came here for reason; let's find out what it is," Iona suggested as she took Jo's hands in her own.
Jo suddenly felt completely safe with Iona. She felt calm, not nervous as she had felt only a moment ago. She knew she really shouldn't feel those things, considering. But the way that Iona spoke to her, the way her hands held her own, and the look of care in her eyes made Jo feel like it really would be alright.
Jo knew where this was going. She knew there would be real pain ahead of her. From her previous experience she knew just how bad it could be. Whether the pain would come in the same form or not she didn't know but she knew it would hurt. But she also knew from that past session that there could be relief in store for her as well. She was safe with Iona. She wouldn't push Jo too far. And when it was over she would have caring words and comforting hands for her.
Jo knew she wasn't alright. She knew something was bothering her, something that had lead her here. Iona would find out what it was.
"O.K." Jo found herself agreeing as she nodded her head.
Iona smiled her approval and gave Jo's hands a squeeze. Jo felt a brief shot of pleasure at the attention and to have won some of Iona's approval. She could almost forget what was about to happen as Iona led her into the inner room of her office.
Whatever ease Jo had felt walking to this room dissipated the moment she stepped inside and took in her surroundings. She had to remind herself that she had come here. She wasn't here by chance like the last time. She had intentionally chosen this. She obviously wanted this; there was something she needed. She had already agreed to Iona without much of a fight at all.
She felt embarrassed to admit there was a part of her that craved this. It was a part of her that she never expected to have and a part she tried to ignore. But the truth was she had wanted to find herself here again. She still didn't know why that was. She didn't consider herself a submissive person so why was she so drawn to finding herself under Iona's control? Jo should want to run from this room and everything it stood for and though she felt nervous being here, she did not want to run.
The nervousness she felt was excited energy. Maybe that was because Iona gave her something no one else in her life did. She allowed Jo to fall apart, she encouraged it even. Maybe, Jo really wanted to come undone again and didn't know how. She had been so skeptical the first time. She had not thought highly of Iona and her profession and had really only agreed to the 'demonstration' the first time to prove Iona wrong. She had wanted to prove that Iona couldn't get to her. In the end she was the one who had been proven wrong. Iona had broken her and that had been surprisingly good.
Jo glanced around the room and wondered what Iona had planned for her this time. Would she try the same approach or would she try something else entirely? Jo still knew very little about all of this. She was sure there were numerous methods Iona could use on her but she couldn't imagine what they might be. That was probably for the best; she was nervous enough.
Iona turned to face her, her eyes determined as they focused on Jo. It was a harder look than she'd had a moment ago. It made Jo feel a little smaller and a little less sure of herself. Iona approached her and Jo had to force herself to not take a step back and try to put distance between them.
"Get on your knees," Iona commanded.
Jo just looked at her, confused. Was she serious? She didn't pause long to consider Iona's words but it must have been long enough. Iona reached out a hand and held Jo's chin lightly for a moment. "I'm sorry. Did that sound like a request?" she asked sweetly.
Quicker than Jo could know what was going on, Iona grabbed her by the shoulder and pushed her to the ground. Jo, unprepared for the sudden movement, fell to her knees hard unable to catch herself. Her knees throbbed with pain having taken the full brunt of the fall. They would certainly be black and blue soon. Iona now grabbed her by the chin forcing her to look up at her. "It wasn't," she said firmly. "You're not in charge here, do you understand?"
Jo shook free of Iona's grasp and glared up at her. This was different than last time. Maybe she couldn't do this again. She never let anyone tell her what to do and the impulse to resist Iona's commands was strong. Her normal assertive persona was hard to shed and she almost gave into it. She wanted to get up and tell Iona no, to claim her own control over the situation. It was so strong she almost did and she had to struggle for several moments to keep herself from doing exactly that.
Iona fixed her with a determined stare in return. "Do you understand me?" she asked again, firmer this time.
Finally, Jo relented. She glanced down. "I understand," she said quietly.
"Look at me when you say it."
Jo took a deep breath and looked up at Iona, into her eyes. "I understand," she said feeling something in her shifting.
Iona smiled warmly. "Good." Her voice was kinder now that she had established their roles.
Iona bent down to Jo's level and her hands went to the middle of Jo's shirt and stopped at the top button. Jo looked down nervously at them before glancing back up to find Iona's eyes on her.
"Do you trust me?" Iona asked.
Jo had thought she was ready for the submission of this. She'd thought she'd already craved it. But she found herself longing to know where this was going exactly. She wanted the reassurance of knowing exactly what Iona planned on doing. She was nervous to give over the control.
"I can do it," Jo said reaching up to undo the buttons herself. But Iona reached out and pushed Jo's hands away.
"Do you trust me?" Iona asked again. Her face was so close to Jo's; she was so near to Jo in so many ways. Jo wasn't used to the closeness and she wished she could hide.
She knew that Iona was asking for permission and trust and she wouldn't go father until Jo said so. Jo got a few choices in this and this was one of them. She had taken away Jo's control by ordering her on her knees but she was also building trust by giving Jo this choice.
Jo accepted that she wasn't in control here. She had chosen that by coming here tonight. And she really did trust Iona. But that didn't stop her from wanting answers. She wanted to know what Iona was going to do. But this was about trust and trust wasn't about having all the answers. She would have to give Iona the trust without the control of knowledge. Jo could certainly do this for herself but it was about allowing Iona to do it for her.
Jo wanted to hold onto that control. Iona had taken some of it from her but this part she had to give up herself. She had thought she'd been ready to relinquish it but she was finding it quite difficult.
"Yes," she finally answered, feeling another piece of her break away. "I do trust you." It was the truth even if it was hard.
"Thank you, Jo," Iona said sincerely as she started to undo the buttons on Jo's shirt. Jo forced herself to not close her eyes in the embarrassment of it as Iona exposed her down to just her bra. She felt terribly bare as Iona pulled her shirt open, the air cool against her chest. She was sure the action was meant to create that feeling exactly and it was effective. Once Iona had the buttons undone she tugged the shirt free of Jo's pants. Finally, she moved her hands to Jo's shoulders and pushed the shirt off. Jo let her arms hang limp at her sides as Iona pulled them out removing the shirt completely and letting it fall to the floor behind her.
Jo didn't consider herself a prude in any way but she felt embarrassed, so uncovered in front of Iona that she had to glance away, fixing her eyes on the ceiling above her. She hadn't expected to feel so vulnerable already and knew she was in trouble. The pain hadn't even started yet and already she felt like she was about to fall apart.
It was almost a relief when Iona came back with a cloth to tie around Jo's eyes. She almost felt as if it would hide her, as if by covering her eyes she could hide how uncovered she was. But she also knew that it would be hard. She wouldn't be able to see Iona from this point on. She wouldn't know what was coming. She would have to trust her even more. Jo was silent as she looked at Iona in front of her ready to blindfold her.
Iona must have at least read some of her distress because she gave Jo one final kind smile. "Trust me," she whispered. Jo nodded her head slightly before Iona covered her eyes and everything went dark. Iona tied the blindfold tight but not uncomfortable at the back of Jo's head then she moved to thoughtfully rearrange Jo's hair around it.
Jo felt Iona circle around behind her. She reached around to take Jo's hands from her sides and pulled them behind her back. Jo felt the somewhat familiar touch of metal on her wrists as Iona cuffed them behind her back. Holding handcuffs was a part of her daily life, but having someone put them on her was a an experience unique to her time with Iona. She had been afraid of it the first time but it was sensation she was growing fond of. She hadn't yet trusted Iona the first time Iona had cuffed her. But she did now and that made quite the difference.
"That's better? Isn't it?" Iona said as if almost reading her mind once the handcuffs were secure around her wrists.
"Yes," Jo found herself agreeing. Her head fell back for a moment as she felt the last bit of her control slip away from her. She had now completely put herself into Iona's hands. She was at her mercy for whatever she decided to do. She let all resistance go and gave up trying to fight at all.
It actually was a relief. It was like she was truly able to be herself when she could let go completely. She enjoyed having Iona in charge, allowing her to strip pieces of her away to get down to the core of who she was. It was going to hurt, terribly, but at least Jo knew she was going to be herself the whole time. Maybe Iona was truly the only one who got to see that.
"I don't know why you resist me so." There was a hint of a smile in Iona's voice when she said it. It was no surprise to her that when it came down to it Jo enjoyed this.
"I will try and do better." Jo could hardly believe the words that came out of her mouth. They came out without her consent or foreknowledge. They sounded so desperate for approval, so submitted. But before Jo had a chance to feel embarrassed or ashamed of them Iona spoke again, her voice full approval
"I know you will," Iona said close to Jo's ear her hands on her shoulders, giving them a squeeze before she pulled away, standing above Jo once again.
It was hard to believe that Jo had ever had the upper hand. She could scarcely remember standing across from Iona in an interrogation room while she had held the power. Harder still to remember at this particular moment was why she had been so desperate to hold onto that power.
She felt so free at the moment. It sounded ridiculous because she couldn't remember a time she had been more captive than she was at this moment, on her knees, blindfolded and handcuffed. But she'd decided to stop reasoning it in her own mind and trying to explain it to herself. Iona left her there for a few minutes and she immersed herself in just taking in the feeling of it.
"There is a certain strength in vulnerability wouldn't you agree?" Iona asked after a while. Jo could hear Iona's voice above her, a few feet away from where she was on her knees.
Jo didn't answer the question for a while. She was so unfamiliar with the feeling of it she had to reacquaint herself in order to form an opinion. It was hard to draw herself out of the moment she was in but Iona helped with her that. She walked closer and Jo felt her thread her fingers into the hair at the back of her head and tighten them. "Answer me now," Iona said in a sweet but commanding voice.
"I have never known it to be," Jo answered honestly. Tempting, yes. At this moment even more so. But a sign of strength? Jo couldn't agree with that.
"Vulnerability not weakness," Iona said, releasing her and walking around her. "They are different."
"If you say so."
"You don't see the difference in them?"
"There isn't any difference in them."
There was a pause before Iona spoke again. Jo worried that she had said something wrong. She hadn't thought much about what she had said. It was the truth in her mind but maybe it wasn't seen that way by everyone. But it was the only way she could see things.
She'd have never survived her life if she had been weak. She'd have died in that hard neighborhood she was born into. She certainly never would have had the strength to escape it if she were weak or make it through the police academy, surrounded by men who only thought she was a pretty face. If she weren't strong she surely would have withered up and quit when Sean had died.
No one was going to be strong for her. No one was going to take care of her. If she wanted those things she had to be them for herself. She couldn't be weak. She had never had the luxury of being anything but tough. She suddenly felt angry considering it all. She thought it extremely unfair the cards she had been dealt and how harsh they had been. The thing that Iona was holding in front of her was tempting but she couldn't' have it.
She couldn't go down this road. Maybe their was a difference between the two but she couldn't have either so what did it matter? She already felt herself backtracking. She was not too proud to admit that there was a certain spell Iona put on her. She'd held Jo here once and she had now drawn her here a second time. Iona was just one of those kinds of people, Jo told herself, the kind that people were just lead to. Some people just had a knack for attracting people and she reasoned that Iona was just one of those people.
In all fairness, it wasn't as though Iona had lied or coerced or forced herself here against her will. Jo had chosen this; she had agreed to it. She just couldn't believe she had. It wasn't enough reason for Jo to believe she could fall apart in Iona's presence again.
The change in Jo's temperament did not, of course, escape Iona. "Do you want to tell me why you feel that way?"
"No," Jo said, simply straightening her back and sitting a little higher.
"Who's hurt you?"
"No one," Jo said confused by this turn in the conversation. Things were starting to come up that she didn't want and was afraid of.
"Something must have happened for you to feel that way," Iona prompted.
Jo was caught off guard by the question. Iona sounded so concerned for her that Jo wanted to answer her. It wasn't often she was on the receiving end of such care. But it stirred up something inside of her that she didn't like. The freedom she'd started to feel became a little banished by the need to be in control again. What she felt now was so foreign to her because she was always in control, was always strong. But she remembered that there were some very real reason why that was.
"Don't shut down on me, Jo. You were doing so well."
Just with that simple statement, Jo felt a twinge in her heart. She wanted to do what Iona said. Just a moment ago she'd wanted only that. Approval was not something she received often and she was eager for it. Particularly, for Iona's. But now, reality and the world as it was everywhere outside of this room was reasserting itself on her. There was war going on inside of her. This whole experience was forcing her open up but she wanted to remain strong. She didn't let herself be vulnerable because she was protecting herself from the very things that were starting to come up inside of her.
"Who takes care of you?" Iona asked.
Jo answered with the only answer she could think of. "Sean did."
"But he's gone now."
It was easier to talk about than the last time but it still hurt. "Yes," she agreed.
"So, who cares for you now?"
She didn't like to think about that. She couldn't come up with another answer and that bothered her deeply. She pushed it away. "I take care of myself."
"That's a big job for one person."
"I can do it. I must, so I do. I don't care," her voice taking on a hard edge to it, obviously on the defensive.
"That isn't the truth."
"It is," Jo insisted.
"Now, don't lie to me."
"I'm not," Jo said, standing firm.
She waited. She could hear Iona moving around and she expected some painful blow. Iona knew she was lying and Jo expected her to make her pay for her dishonesty. What happened was worse than Jo was had expected.
She felt Iona come next to her and reach out a hand to the chain around her neck. She ran her hand along it, playing with it between her fingers. She as goading Jo, getting her riled up. She already knew it was a sensitive area for Jo. And Jo was falling for it. She jerked away from Iona, the only thing she could do to try and get away.
"Ah, ah," Iona chided. She reached out and started to undo the clasp on it. It was the last safety net Jo had in this and she felt desperate to hold onto it. She was never without it and she needed it now more than ever. She'd been allowed to keep it the last time and she'd assumed she would this time too.
She couldn't help herself. "Please don't," she begged. "Leave it." She felt like crying from the loss of it when she felt it slip away.
"I can do anything I see fit to do to you," Iona said sternly. "You gave me that. You said you trusted me. Have you changed your mind?"
Jo was glad the blindfold hid her eyes because she could feel hot tears burning at the corners. She hung her head for a few moments trying to get over the painful move. She felt completely helpless and lost without it. She felt her anger starting to build at Iona for what she had done.
She didn't answer Iona; she was done putting up with this.
"You're not going to be difficult with me this time?" Iona asked.
Jo didn't speak. She couldn't. She already felt she was at her breaking point and the pain hadn't even started yet. She didn't want to talk anymore. This was already so much more painful than she'd anticipated. Something dark was coming up to the surface and she didn't want to coax it anymore.
"Perhaps, I will have to get a bit more rough with you?" Iona said. Her voice was strict and determined. There was a hint of disappointment there as well. She could tell Jo was retreating though that was not something she unaccustomed to. She would know what to do to draw it out of Jo.
Jo had to bite her lip to keep from actually saying 'yes.' It was enough that she begged for that in her mind; she wouldn't do it out loud. What was wrong with her that she was anticipating it? She couldn't deny that whatever was bubbling up inside of her was more painful than what Iona might do to her body.
She heard Iona moving around in the room and then the rustle of instruments on a metal tray. Jo knew she was choosing an instrument to use on her. Soon, would come the pain. Jo had to try her hardest not to move around as the anticipation and fear of it settled into her. She wasn't held in one place like she had been before. She could try to get away and she would have to try hard not to attempt it. There wasn't even anything she could do about it is she tried. Her hands and sight had already been taken from her.
She wondered what Iona had chosen for her. She could tell Iona was not in a hurry to get along with it. She let Jo sit there for a while waiting and wondering before she approached Jo again. Jo felt the smooth end of a riding crop tracing across the bare skin of her back. She was to be whipped then. That would be harsher than the last time. Especially, since she had no cloth to protect herself, to come in between her skin and the blows. She now understood why Iona had removed her shirt and she longed for it back.
The leather felt cool against her skin as Iona swept it in circles around her back, teasing Jo with it before the pain that was to follow. Jo let herself focus on the motion, letting it be calming, knowing that it would end all too soon and be replaced by another action that was not so kind.
"Well now, let's see if we can find out what's hurting you."
It didn't take her long to come to her end. It was much quicker than the last time but not for the same reason.
The physical pain was not what brought her to her breaking point as it had then. It hurt, certainly. She could feel all of the lash marks burning on her back. Every single one she had received pulsed in pain. Unlike the last time, she knew she would have marks and ugly ones at that. She could tell the skin was broken in some places and burning red on much of it. It would hurt for days. She knew she would have to be careful of the marks and how she carried herself so that no one would know.
She couldn't help herself from flinching some. There were a few times that Iona reached out a hand and grabbed her firmly on the shoulder to keep her from moving away. Jo wasn't even sure when she was slowly inching away until her felt Iona keep her still. The pain of being whipped wasn't necessarily worse than the pain of electrocution. It was just a different kind of pain and Jo was not accustomed to it. It was a sharp biting pain. But it didn't make her cry out for it to end
Jo realized her shirt would probably be ruined by now if she had still had it on but she wouldn't have even cared; she wished she had the barrier of it to soften the blows. Of course, comfort wasn't the point of this at all.
Iona's words were encouraging at times. She would soothe Jo after some of hits with praise and encouragement. But she held back her touch the entire time never once reaching out and touching Jo in comfort. Since she had started hitting her, the only time she had touched her was a hand to her shoulder to keep her from moving away. Jo realized that her holding back her comfort was more crushing than the hits. The pain of Iona's withdrawal was worse than the crop against her back.
She felt so distant from Iona. She wouldn't have thought just taking her sight away would add to that so much but it did. She wasn't even sure why it bothered her so much. She couldn't see her, she couldn't feel her. She could only hear her voice and feel the pain. Suddenly, Jo felt incredibly lonely.
Iona was truly a master at what she did. The space she put between herself and Jo seemed to shake Jo's loneliness and make it scream out to her. She hadn't known why she had come here but now her problems were so obvious. She was alone, unhealed, and uncomforted. That was true of her state right now and it was true of her life a lot of the time too. It made her ache inside which was far worse than the ache on the outside. It was an ache she'd been trying to ignore for so long.
Iona was right earlier in her unspoken implication; Jo was alone. Her husband had died but she lived on. Time kept pressing forward and as it did, staying in her grief would no longer do. For a time she could cover herself in it. But now she wanted more. She needed more and that frightened her. It was easier to be strong and not admit a need for others. Being vulnerable to those around her and being open to new relationships was frightening. Doing so had always led to disappointment or tragedy for her in the past. Any time she had allowed herself to lean on someone else they had either let her fall or had been ripped from her life. She knew she had people in her life now she could trust and she wanted more of them. But that didn't take away from what she had known in the past and her fear of it.
She wanted affection. She needed to be comforted and she didn't care if it wasn't real. She didn't care if Iona did it for every one of her clients. She didn't care if the affection was just an act or part of a process that Iona always followed during these sessions. The ache was growing in quick intensity now that it had been brought to light and she wanted something to relieve it.
Jo hardly ever found herself in someone's arms. She had since given up placing herself in those of strangers. She knew that wasn't for the best. But removing that way of coping hadn't removed the need, a need she now almost always ignored. That was still there she just didn't have anything that she could do about it. That was why she ignored it, covered it up.
Jo started to cry. She hated to cry but there was no stopping it. The ache was too great; she had to do something about it. For awhile the tears were hidden from Iona. The blindfold caught the tears as they slid out hiding them from view. She'd already been shaking so those that were caused by the cries were undistinguishable among those caused by the pain. It wasn't until the cries caught up speed and became more involved that they were undeniable. She had pressed her lips together but she gasped for air needing more. Once she got started she couldn't stop and it was obvious she was crying.
The beating ceased when Iona realized it and Jo felt her move around to stand in front of her.
"Tell me how you're feeling," Iona said quietly.
"I don't know," Jo admitted.
"Think about it a little," Iona said patiently. Her voice was tender but it also made it clear that speaking was not a option. She would have to speak. Their last session hadn't involved this much talking. Jo knew there had to be a reason for it and she trusted Iona, even though it made her a bit uncomfortable.
The pain had stopped but Iona was frustratingly keeping her comfort back. Jo was eagerly waiting for the care that was supposed to follow but it was absent. Jo didn't know what was happening and she was actually frightened this might be the end.
"What do you need Jo?" Iona prompted.
"What?"
"I asked you what needed," Iona calmly repeated. "Tell me what it is you need."
"Huh?" Jo asked, confused. Her breathing started to come out quick and erratic and her pulse quickened.
"It's alright," Iona soothed, noticing Jo's distresses. Jo could feel the rustle of the air as Iona moved closer . She was so close to Jo now but she still didn't reach out. "You can ask for help. You can tell people what you want."
Jo nodded her head because she couldn't quite make herself say 'I know.' She knew that to be true but she was having a hard time doing just that.
None of this would be a surprise to Iona. She already knew what Jo was going to say. Surely, Iona already knew what the problem was because she'd done exactly the right procedure to pull it out of Jo. She'd known what she was looking for. But Jo was going to have to say it.
This time was more involved than the last. Last time she hadn't had to be as vulnerable, she didn't have to admit as much. The last time she'd only had to ask Iona to stop and then she'd cared for her. This time required more of Jo. Iona didn't need her to say it because she didn't know what it was that Jo needed; she needed her to say it because Jo needed to admit it to herself.
Why was this the hardest thing for her do? Out of everything else why was this the most difficult for her to do? If she had any doubt as to what her problem was when she first came here she didn't anymore.
"I…I," she started to sputter, losing her nerve quickly.
"You're safe here, Jo. You don't need to be afraid."
"I need…I want you to, uh, to touch me. To hold me."
It felt so unnatural to say it was painful. It hurt but then she felt relief. It was like a weight lifted from her. It was like she had let go but she didn't feel like she was out of control like she thought she would.
Finally, Iona reached out to her. Jo felt Iona's hand on her face and her thumb brush across Jo's cheek. "Good job."
Jo felt Iona reach around and undo the blindfold. "I didn't last as long as I did last time," Jo said voicing her feelings of defeat.
"You were stubborn last time," Iona said with a smile, a bit of affection in her voice. "Besides, the point of this is not to see how long you can last. It's to help you get to your problem. And you see what it is now, don't you?"
Jo's lip trembled a bit as she looked at Iona once again. "Yes," she said nodding.
"No more worries now. It's time to take care of you."
Iona went behind her and undid the cuffs. She helped Jo to stand, placing her hands strongly on Jo's shoulders. Jo gripped at Iona's arms, needing the help. Her legs ached from kneeling so long and though she could not see them she could already tell there were significant bruises on her knees. She was almost afraid she wasn't going to be able to walk, her legs were so weak, but Iona wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders, careful not to touch her back and let Jo lean heavily on her.
She led Jo back to the couch and motioned for her to lie down on it which she was eager to do. She lay down on her stomach feeling herself practically sink into the softness of it. Her knees were throbbing, her back was on fire and her whole body ached.
Iona had left for a moment but Jo heard her return and felt her place a cloth on her back. It felt ice cold and stung against her burning skin. She whimpered and started to arch up to get away from it but she felt Iona's other hand go to the back of her head and gently ease her back down.
"Just relax," she said running her hand against Jo's hair.
She let herself fall back against the couch her face buried in to it. She let herself start to sob in earnest now. She didn't even try to deny that this was the very reason she had come here. She'd come here to fall apart, to let herself lose it and find release and now she would have it. She wanted Iona's attention and comfort focused on her and now she had that too.
"That's good," Iona encouraged. "It all has to come out."
Iona took her time running the cool cloth over all of Jo's damaged skin. After Jo got over the initial shock of the temperature of the water she was able to relax and enjoy the slow movement of the cloth up and down her back. It felt good like it was starting to the heal the lash marks. The whole time Iona kept her other hand on the back of Jo's head continuing to stroke her hair gently.
Jo's sobs quieted, running themselves out as Iona finished and dried her off. The she started to rub something on Jo's back, lotion or ointment of some kind. It stung at first but she was sure it was something that would heal the cuts faster. Iona paid attention to every wound, caring for each mark she had inflicted. It was so strange. Her hands could be so healing in the same place she had damaged. She gave each one attention separately and Jo closed her eyes focusing on the touch as Iona gently massaged each place. She didn't even care about the damage Iona had done if it meant that she could have this attention now. It was not typical for her to have such care focused on her and it was only when she did that she realized how much she needed it.
"Thank you," Jo breathed out, her words slightly muffed against the couch. She couldn't make herself articulate the full explanation of that statement but she was pretty sure that Iona knew exactly what she meant.
When Iona had done everything she could for Jo's wounds she helped Jo sit up and she carefully helped her into her shirt. She was careful to put it on slowly and she left it loose but it still hurt. Jo didn't even mind to let Iona do all the work this time so she wouldn't have to make any painful movements herself. She could tell she was going to have a hard time concealing her discomfort for the next couple of days. After Iona finished buttoning it she reached inside of her pocket and took out Jo's wedding ring and chain and with great care put it back where it belonged.
Jo finally opened her eyes and looked at Iona. Her face was right in front of Jo but now she could finally see her, unrestricted by the blindfold as she had been before. Iona hadn't removed her hands from Jo the entire time and all of the affection made her feel closer to Iona. It only accentuated the point of the pain Jo was feeling.
"What is it?" Iona asked.
"I'm lonely," she admitted. It was such a short statement but such a large revelation, a significant take away from their time here together.
Iona nodded her head in understanding but kept silent. She got off the floor and sat down on the couch beside Jo. She motioned for Jo to lean against her and Jo happily rested her head in Iona's lap. Iona was careful not to touch Jo's back as Jo closed her eyes and curled up settling in. Iona ran her hands through Jo's hair.
"I am going to tell you something you've probably never heard before," Iona said quietly. "There is strength in vulnerability; in allowing another person to be strong for you. There is a lot of courage in that.
"You have to allow yourself to be that way. If you always have it all together then people can't help you. You have to allow them in, to allow them to care for you. It is a good thing."
Jo nodded. She knew Iona was right even if it was hard to accept; even if it took a lot of courage to put it into practice.
"You have a beautiful heart, Jo. Don't throw it away because you're afraid of it being broken."
Iona played with Jo's hair for a long time, both of then sitting in silence. It was longer than Jo had expected and more attention than she actually felt she deserved. But she was not about to complain or be the one to end it. For whatever reason, Iona seemed to be as reluctant to bring the time to a close as Jo was.
When Iona's hands eventually did still Jo sat up. Iona stared at her and Jo couldn't help but smile sheepishly. She probably looked ridiculous but she felt so good. She wasn't sure where to go from here but she couldn't make herself feel embarrassed at the moment.
"You're very strong, Jo" Iona said.
Jo couldn't help but laugh at that. "How could you possibly say that?" Jo was sure you looked like wreck and she'd certainly had acted like one in her time with Iona.
"You're not invincible," Iona said with a smile. "Everybody needs someone. But the things you've endured and the way you've managed to remain so kind, it's really remarkable."
Jo blushed and glanced down at the compliment. "Well, I suppose it's rather obvious that I need you." It was more honest than Jo would normally be but she still felt really vulnerable. While it still remained she couldn't help taking a chance.
She was relieved when Iona smiled at her. She reached out a hand to Jo's face letting it linger there a bit longer than Jo expected. When she drew it away there was ghost of something on her face that Jo didn't recognize.
"I have to be honest about something," Iona said.
If Jo weren't mistaken she would say that Iona always looked unsure, nervous herself. It was something Jo had never seen on her face before and looked a bit out of place. "Alright. What is it?" Jo said with a slight smile.
"I don't think I can do another session with you," Iona said with a bit of difficulty.
The smile on Jo's face quickly disappeared. She looked away trying to act like it wasn't any big deal. That was not at all what she had expected Iona to say and she scrambled to deal with this new information and formulate a response. Jo tried not to let it bother her but she was still feeling very open so Iona's declaration especially stung.
Despite the fact that she was trying to cover up the impact of Iona's words on her, Iona could still see.
"What I mean is that I don't think I am able to do it any longer," Iona added, concern in her voice.
The relief that Jo had been feeling was fading, rapidly, replaced by confusion and pain. Surely, Iona had clients that were more messed up than she was. What had she done that was so bad that Iona did not want to do any more therapy with her?
Jo plastered on some sort of calm, composed face, though she didn't feel it and doubted it was very convincing. "Alright. Can I ask why?"
Iona actually looked worried, which was strange. She looked away for a moment. It made Jo all the more uneasy about what this meant. It took a few moments for her to answer Jo's question. "I'm no longer interested a strictly professional relationship with you," she said meeting Jo's eyes again, searching them out Jo's face for her reaction.
"Meaning?" Jo asked warily.
"I like you, Jo."
"What?" Jo blurted out confused and bit flustered.
Realization dawned on Iona's face and she smiled. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean it like that," she said laughing a bit at Jo's alarmed expression. "I meant...I would like to get to know you better. Maybe be friends."
Jo let out a small breath of relief. She was surprised by Iona's statement. She knew Iona to be a someone who was direct and forward. But after everything Iona had seen, after she had seen the mess that Jo could be she was amazed that anyone would really want more. "Really? Why?"
Iona smiled, amused, as if it was so obvious. "I've enjoyed the time I've spent with you. From what I've seen you're someone I would like to know better."
"Oh," Jo said still processing this roller coaster of emotions. This was unexpected. But it felt good to be noticed, to be appreciated. Jo hadn't had a friend, a real true girlfriend since college, which had had been quite some time ago. It was a foreign concept to her but not one that she was opposed to at all.
She hadn't had a lot of expectations when she had come here but this was something she really wouldn't have ever expected. The most she had thought she would get from this was temporary comfort. She hadn't even thought to expect something lasting. But she still felt vulnerable, the lesson she'd learned still fresh in her mind. She was lonely; she wanted more in her life and her relationships.
"If you're not comfortable with that, it's fine. I would understand," Iona said when Jo continued to be quiet. "It's just, after what happened in my previous career, I promised myself I would never blur the lines of personal and professional feelings again. And...I'm starting to feel them blur with you."
Iona was being incredibly honest and for a moment Jo could see it a little bit of Iona as a person. Iona knew her so well, in some ways better than any others. But Jo realized she didn't know Iona that well at all. But she wanted to. Iona was calm about what she was saying but Jo could see that she had put a vulnerable part of herself out there as well. Maybe Jo wasn't the only one who was hurting. Maybe she wasn't the only one who wanted more.
"No, Iona, I would like that." Jo reached out a hand towards Iona. She realized that out of all this time she had never reached out to Iona. She took Iona's hand in her own and Iona smiled, relieved.
"Call me Molly. That's what my friends call me."
The ache Jo felt inside was still there but it had been relieved a little. This time she found not only a lesson learned, a take away that would help her face her issues on her own but she also had found a solution. She'd come here lonely, without even realizing it, but she would leave a little less alone.
Jo smiled. "O.K. Nice to meet you Molly."