Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of Stargate. I merely borrow them for a little while.
A/N: I was listening to 'Already Gone' by Kelly Clarkson and had an 'aah' moment. I've taken a few liberties and imagined a conversation that happened between Sam and Jack somewhere around Moebius. No real spoilers except for the implied relationship between them.
He walked into the room, walking that way that he always had, slightly hunched, focused; looking like he owned the room...like he owned the world. Exactly the same as he had been the last time she had seen him walk away from her, away from them.
And it hurt. Made her chest hurt and she felt like every breath was making it harder for her to stand looking at him, pretending that this was the easiest thing in the world to do.
Easiest thing....
She realised that she was looking at the floor, staring intently at the individual squares that made up the conference room. Part of her wished that she could continue counting them until he left. She didn't want to have to look at him and allow the image of his presence to re- acknowledge the void that he had left in her life.
Mostly, she didn't want to look at him because it made her remember.
His arms made her remember all the times he had held her, pulling her towards him in the only manner of urgency that they could allow themselves; his neck made her remember the soft, smooth sensation as it rested against her lips; his hands made her think of the way in which he used to support her up the ramp towards the gate, as they would walk into a meeting, sometimes just as they stood...occasionally she used to wish that it was merely because he wanted to have as much contact with her as their positions would allow. Other times, when she was unsure of what anything meant anymore, she thought it was because it was a habit and that it didn't mean anything at all. Nothing beyond friendship anyway.
And then they had had 'the talk' and there was no doubt anymore. Not about what they meant to each other; what they wanted; what they had given up by staying focused on the Stargate programme...
What it meant that they still weren't willing to give up the fight.
She raised her eyes from the floor and slowly brought them to rest on his face. And she caught his eye.
And she stopped breathing.
***
"Carter...Carter...CARTER!"
She continued to walk, wanted to ignore him for as long as there was still the chance that he thought she couldn't hear him. Her legs moved faster as she neared her office, wanting to escape behind the closed door before the moisture spilled from her eyes and she would have to admit she was crying.
"Carter...would you slow down...geez, my knees aren't made for this anymore"
She reached her office, quickly entered through the door, pulling it shut behind her. Hoping that he would take the hint and come back later.
As the door opened, she realised she should have known better than for General Jack O'Neill to respect any kind of boundaries.
She kept her back to the door, hurriedly wiping the stray tears from her cheeks.
"What do you need, Sir?"
"You to not walk as fast...but we can deal with that at another time"
She wasn't sure if she was meant to laugh. She didn't think it mattered. Not right now anyway.
"You're leaving the SGC" It was meant to be a question but she didn't know how to make it one without...without acknowledging what she was saying.
"Yeah. I was gonna tell you, Carter. I just...it just wouldn't have come out right" She realised that he had moved further into the room, closing the door behind him.
It felt like the room was collapsing around her.
"But...I..." Her ability to be articulate had evidently escaped her.
"Listen, Carter...Sam...it's better that I go"
It was then that she turned to look at him, unsure whether she should be angry or hurt at his words.
"What?? I don't even know what that means...Sir"
It seemed that anger was easier.
"I know you want to hate me right now. In fact, maybe you should. I honestly thought it was better this way....wait, let me explain"
She crossed her arms over her chest, her age-old means of protecting herself against whatever could hurt her. "I'm all ears". The sarcasm helped a little.
"Sam, you've always meant...something... to me. We've been through a lot together, as the team, as friends, as...whatever else. And I always thought we were waiting...for the right time, for the fight to be over...so that we could be...us. And I never thought this would end any other way than us, on my rooftop or on the jetty, starting the rest of our lives together. I just expected that that was going to happen. I thought that was going to be our reward for waiting for all of these years, carrying out our duty, fighting the good fight..."
She noticed that her arms had slowly unfolded, lying now by her sides. She moved towards where he stood, seeking the warmth that she had always been surprised to find radiating from him. It had warmed her many times on the coldest of planets.
"But it's not like that, is it?" She raised her eyes from where they had been situated on his chest to focus on his eyes.
"What..." she swallowed, her throat seeking moisture "I don't understand"
"I've been finished for a long time, Sam. I was finished when Charlie...died...when Sara left me. I didn't think I was ever going to look at a uniform again. And then this all happened and it was easier to keep fighting than to turn my back on what we were fighting for...to turn my back on you. I can't wait anymore. My knees are killing me" he smiled briefly, it didn't reach his eyes "I'm tired, Sam. I want to go fishing. I want to sit and look out at my lake and do...nothing. I don't want to have to think about killing another enemy. I'm done. But here's the thing, you're not. You still get that fire in your eyes when we start out a new mission, when we hear that there's another battle to be fought. I almost envy you. Almost. If I asked to you to leave with me...I don't think you would go"
"That's not fair. You never even asked. You just made the assumption that that was the case. And now look at you, you've made this huge decision to leave and you're just going to walk away from me...and..."
"That's my point, Carter. It is fair. You would be free to leave at any time, to come away with me now. Start the rest of our lives together. But you won't. You're not ready to go. And I respect that. That's why I need to be the one to leave. I..." he shook his head slightly, his eyes searching hers for any kind of understanding.
"But..." She wanted to say that she loved him, that this wasn't how it was meant to end. That she wanted all of those things he had talked about. She knew she wouldn't. He was right, she wasn't ready to stop.
Her cheeks, a second ago dry, were now uncomfortably wet. She didn't make a move to dry them. She had too often hidden her feelings from him and it no longer seemed important.
"C'mere" he held his arms open, his fingers stretched towards hers.
She wasn't sure she wanted to feel his arms around her, didn't know whether this would be the last time that he would hold her in this way. His arms forming a circle of comfort. She chose not to think about it. As she moved into his awaiting embrace, it only mattered that he was there now.
***
She held his gaze, hoping that her eyes didn't give away the memories that she was playing in her head. Hoped he didn't notice the tears that had started to form in her eyes.
He cocked his head to the side, a subtle smile pulling at his mouth, watching only her. She felt like she was the only one in the room. She didn't want it to end, it had been so long since someone had made her feel this...important.
She moved towards him, wishing to embrace him, knowing she could only salute him. Endless rules.
As her hand returned to her side, she moved to walk past him. She thought she could move past him, leave the room, leave the base...all illogical but she wanted nothing more than to escape the endless cycle of memories that were playing in her mind's eye.
As she reached the door, she realised he was following her. In a manner reminiscent of that day, her legs moved faster, wishing to reach her office before he could catch her.
She turned the corner into her office, the door almost closed when his hand stopped the final action.
"Carter"
"Yes, Sir?"
"Stop. Just stop. C'mere"
And there was the answer. He would always be there because that's where he had always been. No matter how far away he was, no matter how far from her. She moved into his embrace, his arms once again enclosing her in that circle of comfort that she hadn't allowed herself to remember.
His mouth came to rest next to her ear.
"I love you, Carter, always will. I'll be there when you're ready."
And that was when she began to breathe.
***