Losing You
Chapter 1: Piece By Piece, We Fall Apart
Casey rolled over in her bed. It was 3:15am. She had gone another hour without sleep.
God, this was horrible. This waiting, this not knowing; it was killing her. Was he okay? Was he safe? Was he hurt? Was he lying in an alley, beaten to the verge of death? She began to picture his body, almost lifeless and deathly still, lying in a dark alley filled with nothing but trash bins, apartment escape ladders and alley rats. His face, all warped and bloody and... Don't go there…
Nonetheless, it was hard not to let her mind wander. She had practically nothing to go on, other than the fact that he was gone and could be anywhere by now. It also didn't help that she could overanalyze everything in a mere matter of seconds.
She sighed and rolled over to her other side, bringing her knees towards her chest.
It was her fault. She caused this problem. Everyone was suffering, and it was on her head.
Maybe she should've said that she loved him. Maybe he'd still be here, with them.
Lying would have made it worse though… she thought.
She thought about her previous thought.
Had she told him that she'd loved him, she'd have lied to him.
At least, that's what she thought.
Obviously, she cared for Derek. Would she be this affected if she didn't?
But she loved Daniel. He was a great guy; considerate, funny, protective. He was reasonably attractive, with his black hair and even blacker eyes set against his light, slightly tanned skin. Daniel cared about her. He wanted to make sure she was safe.
But Derek. He was… different. Something about him just drew her to him. And when he kissed her, touched her or even looked at her, it was electric. She almost felt like her body was on fire and her heart raced faster than the speed of light. It was almost…
No, what the hell was she thinking? This was the same Derek that pissed her off for fun. The one that screwed around with her 'just cause'. Not to mention he was her stepbrother.
It was wrong.
She loved Daniel. He was real, he was attainable. He was here.
They could be real together. Have a life together. He'd always be there for her, and she knew it.
And he certainly wasn't her stepbrother.
She sighed.
I love Daniel, she told herself, and tried to go back to sleep.
And though she wouldn't have admitted this to herself at all, there was something that kept drawing her to Derek. Her thoughts were almost always going to him. Her eyes darted to his usual places. She became breathless every time she smelled his cologne. Her heart raced when she heard the mention of his name.
I love Daniel, she told herself again, before finally drifting off in to a shallow, disturbed rest.
Derek flipped the channels. Nothing good ever seemed to be on at 8:00am. It was just stupid kid shows and boring news programs. Hell, even the music videos weren't interesting. Pop wasn't his scene, and neither was country or 90's rap. They were silly and mediocre compared to his usual sound, which consisted of Three Days Grace, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Billy Talent, just to name a few.
Jed walked into the kitchen; his brown-black curls were still damp from his shower. He looked pretty good now, in a blue and black plaid shirt and light wash jeans. His face, however, showed that he had spent the night drinking and doing god-knows-what-else but he cleaned up nicely after a night like that.
"I'm making coffee, you want some?" Jed asked, motioning for the coffee maker sitting on the counter.
"Sure," Derek said.
Jed reached in the cabinet above the machine and pulled out a coffee tin, a filter, and two mugs.
Derek switched off the T.V. and walked over to the kitchen. He watched in silence as Jed meticulously prepared the coffee.
"What do you want in your coffee?"
"Just sugar. I'll scoop it, though."
Jed passed Derek the sugar container, along with a teaspoon. As Derek added sugar, Jed poured some cream into his mug and took a sip.
"So how was last night?" Derek asked, making conversation.
"It was amazing," Jed said, just before taking another sip of his coffee, just before looking at Derek. "It was just what I needed, to be honest. I've been in a rut since my ex and I split."
"Girl, eh?" Derek raised an eyebrow. "Do tell,"
Jed shook his head. "Long story short, we were together for three years and I was ready to propose, until I found out she was fucking my brother a few months ago."
Derek's eyes widened, and then softened, revealing a sadness of sorts. "I-I'm sorry to hear that,"
Jed shrugged. "Meh, no use in worrying about it now. It's all in the past." He took a long sip. "Besides, she was a bitch."
Derek almost spat out his coffee. He recovered quickly and swallowed, coughing a bit. "I know the type," Derek nodded. He smirked sadly as he took another sip.
Casey's eyes flickered open for the as she sat up to look at the clock.
The red numbers showed 7:30.
She fell back onto her bed again and stared at the ceiling. She didn't want to go to school. It was like living a nightmare, everyone staring at her as if she had walked in naked and the halls were suffocating with sadness and sympathy. Everyone's eyes burned pity into her, everyone wishing for Derek's safe return. It made her never want to leave her room.
After all, those were all just constant reminders of how it was her fault.
She didn't need that. Didn't need that at all…
"I've got work at 4, but other than that, what do you want to do?" Jed said, as he set his empty mug in the sink.
Derek pulled a white v-neck shirt over his head. "What is there to do?"
"You good at video games?"
"What kind of question is that?" Derek smiled. "Babe Rader champ three years running,"
"Good, because it just so happens that I'm kind of a champ myself, and I've been looking for a worthy opponent,"
"You're so on," Derek smirked.
Casey silently entered the kitchen and grabbed a banana. Lizzie, Edwin and Marti were all sitting at the dining room table. They were all sitting in their usual seats, strategically avoiding Derek's spot, as if he were still here.
Casey took her seat beside Lizzie.
For a few moments, they all sat in silence, eating quietly. They were each too scared to break the iron veil hanging over all of them. Frightened that one wrong word could set off one of them. They were like ticking time bombs of emotion that could go off if you even glanced at them with a certain look in your eyes, Casey the worst of them all, even though the others had no idea.
"I miss him," Marti said, announcing bravely what was on everyone's mind. She broke what they all thought to be the impenetrable veil, and she did it with what seemed like such ease. In those three simple words, she had summed up everything and anything that they were feeling.
Lizzie nodded her head in agreement, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Me too," she stated.
"I think we all do," Edwin added.
Casey had reluctantly gone to school, even though she hated how it made her feel. However, she had a scholarship to maintain, and not even Derek would take that away from her. She wouldn't let him have everything, especially since he'd already stripped her of her normalcy.
She looked around. Casey felt as if she was being watched, but everyone had their heads down, noses in their notes. She was starting to find it difficult to concentrate in class. She was reminded of Derek constantly. She felt his presence from the days past.
In fact, it was this classroom that they had shared grade 11 English in only last year. He'd sat across the room, towards the back, where she had sat almost front and center. She thought of all the times that he'd said something ridiculous and remembered how she'd roll her eyes at all the stupid he spewed from his mouth. That "stupid", however, would make the kids in her class laugh and laugh and she couldn't really understand how someone so irritating could be that popular.
The bell rang.
Everyone raced out of the class. She closed her binder and piled her stuff together, dropping it in her book bag. She pulled out her cell phone out of her pocket instinctively to check it. No texts, no missed calls. Casey pocketed it and slung the bag over her head and rested it on her right shoulder as she left her room and raced down the stairs.
She wanted to get out of here as quickly as she could. It was lunch, and the thought of staying at the school for more time than she had to made her feel uncomfortable.
Casey headed straight to her locker, doing her best to avoid the glares and apologizes offered by her classmates. Luckily, she hadn't been stopped by anyone, which was good. She let out a sigh heavily laced with relief and placed her binders in her locker.
She decided to walk into town and get a bit to eat there,
Sitting on the empty couch, Derek looked over at the arm rest to see his cell phone, lying face down, and thought back to the texts. Jed had left for work already.
He thought about it for a moment and decided that he'd give a little look through them all. Sighing, he picked up his phone, unlocked it, and went straight to his inbox.
Out of the 167 missed texts, 53 were from Dad, 41 were from Nora, 12 from Ralph, 51 from Sam, 10 from other various people.
He pressed 'Select All' and then 'Delete'. Derek knew by now that they all said essentially the same thing; where are you?; are you safe?; please give us a call or a text or something to let us know you're okay.
He didn't need to go through them all.
Obviously, he felt horrible about leaving. He missed being at home, in his own bed. He missed his dad and his brother and sister. He missed Lizzie and Nora. He missed Sam and Ralph and all his other friends. He hated all the pain that he knew he was putting them all through.
But he couldn't go back, not after having his heart ripped out like that.
How could he face her after that? How was he supposed to live with the person that broke him?
Enough, he yelled at himself. He needed to stop thinking about her. The sooner he could forget, the sooner he could get on with his life.
He decided to take a shower, hoping that would clear his head.
Casey sighed as she opened the door.
Behind it was Sam, here to drop off the work she asked him to.
"Hey," he said, flashing an attempt at a smile.
"Hey," she said back.
He held out the papers that were for her. There weren't many, considering it was the end of the year. She grabbed them and held them at her side.
"Thanks," she said.
"No problem,"
He paused, shoving his hands in his pockets. She opened her mouth to ask him to stay and talk for a minute, but he beat her to it. "Do you have a few minutes? I want to talk to you,"
She nodded, stepping out onto the front porch and closing the door behind her.
She and Sam sat down on the chairs that were on the porch. He set the papers beside him underneath his chair. Sam then paused, and looked at her.
"How are you holding up?" he asked.
That question, coming from him, almost seemed insensitive. She didn't really know how or why it did, it just felt like it.
"Barely," she whispered.
And for the first time since he had met her, he saw that she cared for him, even if she'd never admit it.
"How about you?" she asked.
"I'm holding." He sighed.
Casey knew he missed Derek a lot. After all, his best friends had just upped and left without giving so much as a reason – or even a simple goodbye. They both knew that it was so unlike Derek to do something as drastic as that.
But Casey knew what his reason was; her.
They sat in silence for a moment, until Sam spoke.
"I'm really worried about Derek,"
"I know, we all are," Casey said simply.
"I know that," he said, looking at her. "It's just that – look, we both know that this isn't like him; disappearing into thin air and not telling anyone. He's never even talked about running away before!" Sam stifled a sarcastic laugh and continued. "Do you have any idea why he would have left?"
She shook her head no.
"Do you think it has something to do with him and a girl?"
"Emily?" she played naïve.
"No, he said there was this girl. He said he loved her and ended things with Emily. Do you think she could have been it, like the reason he left?"
"I dunno," Casey said. "I have no idea,"
"Damn," Sam sighed. "I was hoping you might've known something…"
"I'm sorry," she said.
""I'll let you know if I hear anything," she said meekly.
"Thanks, Case."
"Anytime," she said.
They both stood up and smiled at each other. Sam bent down and stood there in a silence.
"Anyways," he said. "I've got to get home."
"Okay," Casey agreed. She meant to sound well, normal, but it came out in an almost sad tone.
Sam opened his arms, gesturing for a hug, and Casey gladly obliged. She was wrapped in his arms, and it offered her some comfort. She squeezed him back, resting the side of her head against his neck.
"Casey!"
She jumped, and pulled out of the hug in an instant, turning in the direction of the voice.
It was Daniel. He was standing less than ten feet away, at the end of the walkway, looking directly at them.
She immediately dropped her arms to her sides, and Sam followed suit.
He walked over and put his arm around her, kissing her on the cheek. Casey brought her shoulder up a bit, but Daniel didn't get the hint and simply held tighter.
"Hey Richards," he smiled smugly. "What brings you around here?"
"Casey and I were just talking," Sam replied. He turned his gaze back to Casey and sighed, "Anyways, I should get going. I'll see you later."
"See ya," she said.
"Text me if you hear anything about Derek," he added, already at his car.
"I will," she hollered back.
Daniel waited and watched as he drove of down the street.
"Richards seemed a bit annoyed," Daniel said, still staring off in the direction that Sam's car had driven. He waited until the car was out of sight and then turned back to her. "Where were you today?" He asked, frowning. "I wanted to see you but you weren't at school or responding to my texts or calls."
She looked away. "I was worried." he added.
"I stayed home today. I couldn't handle being at school." Casey said. "It's just too difficult being there, without-."
"Without Derek," Daniel said, finishing her sentence for her.
"Yeah," she agreed.
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, Casey, just forget about him. Please. He's not worth it."
"Can we please not talk about this right now, Daniel?" she asked quietly, looking away. How could she forget him when everything was a constant reminder of him?
He was going to protest, but saw the sadness in her eyes and shut his mouth.
"Look," he sighed, pushing a stray hair behind her ear. "Why don't we go somewhere right now? I'm supposed to go over to Mike's but we could do something, just you and me. You can get out here for a bit, away from all this mess and clear your head. What'd'ya say?"
"I don't know, Daniel," Casey said. "Besides, I was out a while ago and my mum really needs me right now."
"C'mon Case, how can you expect to keep it together for your mom when you're falling apart at the seams?"
She didn't answer, and he took her silence as a sign that he was right.
"See?," he asked, knowing that he had proved his point. "Come out for an hour."
She stayed silent, so he quickly said again, "We don't have to go to Mike's; we can just go somewhere out of town."
She was still silent.
"C'mon, please?" Daniel wasn't one to beg, but he'd decided that if he needed to, he would. "Just an hour, I swear,"
"I can't just leave Mom right now."
"She'll be fine," he pressed. "Besides, Edwin and Lizzie will be home any minute now; they can make sure she's okay."
"Daniel, no. I can't go; not right now." She couldn't hold eye contact, she just felt too guilty.
Daniel's face hardened, swirled with disappointment, sadness and even anger. Casey quickly noticed and added, "Maybe another time?"
"Yeah, fine." His once soft eyes transformed into iron orbs that wouldn't meet hers.
Daniel shoved his hands in his pockets and headed for his car, pulling out the keys. His attitude made Casey feel even worse about her decision.
He opened the door and paused to look at her before getting in.
"Tomorrow," he said. "After school,"
She nodded as he got in the car. He slammed the door shut, as Casey silently slipped into her house. He waited until she closed the door.
Daniel sat in silence for a moment, before angrily hitting the steering wheel.
This was all Derek's fault. Derek was manipulating her; making her feel all this guilt, making her suffer. Derek caused this. Not her. She didn't even realize that she was purposely putting herself in harder and harder situations. She wasn't in her right mind at all because of this, this bastard.
It was then and there that Daniel decided something; he had to be the one to make decisions for her, to keep her safe.
Obviously, she didn't know what was best for her.
But he did.
As Daniel began his decent down the stairs, he began to her familiar chatting mixed sounds of virtual guns being fired on the T.V.
Once he entered the main room of Mike's basement, he looked around. He saw Mike with his phone in his hand, texting someone. Cole was sitting on the couch, nursing an ice cold beer that he was holding in his hands. Braden was to his left, eyes intently focused on the T.V. and controller in his hand. Chris and Noah were on the floor. Braden, Chris and Noah were all playing Call of Duty together. Bags of chips and empty bottles and cans of beer were all sitting on the coffee table, which was in front of the couch. Against the other wall, was another couch, where James was laying down, head rolled towards the T.V., watching the screen.
Mike looked up from his phone. "Hey," he said. "Glad you could make it,"
Daniel shrugged as he entered further into the room. He grabbed a beer from the bar fridge and went over to sit beside Braden and Cole on the couch.
"So what are the plans for tonight?" Daniel asked, taking a long sip.
"C.O.D., beer and maybe a bonfire later."
"Sounds like my kind of night," Daniel smirked.
Jed grabbed another slice of pizza from the box in between them, sitting on the couch.
They spent the afternoon hanging out at the coffee shop. Once Jed's shift was done, they had gone back to the apartment and ordered an extra-large pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapple and bacon.
Yet somehow, in the last 10 minutes in which they had the pizza, they had managed to eat most of it.
Only two slices remained in the box.
Derek finished his slice with ease and reached for his drink that was sitting on the floor.
They had played video games, watched the wrestling match (Jed's idea) and played foosball (Jed had a table in his room that he pulled out into the living room). Derek had won a few of those games, which almost made up for his painful defeat in Babe Rader earlier.
The two were chilling on the couch, watching a re-run of MTV Live.
Suddenly, Jed's phone went off. The vibrations shook the entire couch, and Derek certainly felt it. Jed's phone was sitting on the armrest of the couch. The screen glowed a brilliant, bright blue-white that illuminated parts of Jed's face.
Jed glanced at his phone and a look of urgency washed onto his face. He picked up the phone and stood up.
"I have to take this," he said to Derek. "I'll be right back,"
With that, Jed rushed into his bedroom. Derek heard the door close within a few second of Jed's disappearance from the T.V. Room. This did not faze Derek, and he continued to watch the animated people on the screen. Almost as quickly as Jed had left, he returned. But instead of heading for the couch, he was at the door.
Jed swiped his keys off the little table and put them in his pocket. Derek looked over at him, expecting an explanation for his almost getaway.
"I have to go," Jed stated simply. "Hold the fort down while I'm gone. I should be back in a while."
And with that, Jed disappeared straight out the door.
"We had a great time at the concert. Their set was amazing, and-" Mike stopped, mid story and reached for his pocket. He pulled out his phone. Someone was calling him. Mike paused, his face illuminated by the bright screen. He looked at the screen for a few seconds before deciding that this call was better taken somewhere other than here.
"I gotta take this," he stood up. "I'll be back in a minute."
Mike got up and left the circle, fire still glowing. Braden and Daniel were the only two that were left.
Braden looked over at Daniel. Daniel's face was lit by the orange-yellow glow coming off the fire.
"Where's your head at?" Braden asked.
Daniel was immediately pulled back to reality from his dream-world.
"What are you talking about?" Daniel snapped back, rather quickly and harshly.
Braden cocked his head and let an annoyed sigh. "For fuck's sake, Dan. We've been best friends for years. I can read you like a fucking book. And your face is telling me that your head isn't here. So where the fuck is your mind?"
"Where do ya think?" Daniel said forcefully. "It's the same fucking place it's been for days. With Casey." He sighed. His sigh was laced with a hint of anger. "It's this stupid fucking thing with Derek. I don't understand how she's this affected. She's all worried over nothing."
"You know what? I'm glad he's gone," Daniel added, taking a sip of the beer in his hand. "He just got in the way."
Instinctively, he rubbed his hands. They had bruises; his knuckles discolored by the hideous shades of purple and green. Signs of his earlier struggle with that horrible kid. As he moved his fingers over his knuckles, he felt small twinges of pain. But to him, it was nothing. Merely a sign that he'd finally won.
Derek lay awake, staring at the ceiling. The stucco wasn't as fascinating at one would think, but at the state of sleep deprivation he was approaching, it seemed much more fascinating than reality. How many bits were there? Hundreds? Thousands? It seemed pointless to count, but the thought intrigued him.
Ahh… the wonders of sleep deprivation.
He'd tried to fall asleep, several times in fact, but each and every time, his thoughts drifted back to Casey.
He was done with her; she was a bitch, a merciless, selfish, horrible (emphasis on 'whore') tease who played him like a fucking violin. She was a snake, slithering her way into his town, his thoughts, his life. Even how she could be such a tease he couldn't seem to even wrap his head around. She was always the innocent girl living the sheltered, rich girl life. Always wore appropriate clothes (except for that one incident involving Babe Rader), always did well in school, always had to excel at everything. At the rate she was going though, it wouldn't have surprised him to know that she had fucked Daniel already. Maybe she was like Laura Palmer. Only, he hoped that she would be murdered.
He was done with her.
But obviously, his subconscious was not.
Frustrated, Derek rolled over onto his stomach.
What time was it now? 3:20? 4:50? He didn't know. He didn't even know how long it had been since Jed had left the apartment. Ah, but what did that matter? He wasn't getting sleep tonight.
His mind was too fucking busy running back to thoughts of her.
Why couldn't he just let it go?
Frustrated and refusing to try again, Derek sat up and swung his legs off the couch and onto the floor. He placed his feet firmly on the carpet and tilted his head from left to right.
I think I need some air.
The summer air was refreshing.
Derek had walked around the block. The city streets were baron, with the occasional person here and there. It took him about 20 minutes to walk around, but the combination of the air, solitude and darkness calmed him. He missed the endless nights he would spend on his roof alone back home.
He turned on to Adelaide, knowing he neared Jed's apartment. But that thought was not comforting; rather, it unsettled him. He didn't quite know why, but he chalked it up to how he was feeling about leaving his parents, brother, sisters and friends behind and forcing them to only imagine where he was.
He wondered if he should at least text them, to tell them that he was okay. But he decided against it. He knew his family would search everywhere within a thousand mile radius of his Southern Ontario home given any idea where he was. And he didn't want to be found right now.
He just couldn't.
Not until he was over her.
He looked up. Derek was back at the apartment. He walked over to the door, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to go inside. He knew that he wasn't getting back to sleep tonight.
Derek leaned against the wall beside the door. He tilted his head back and rested it against the brick. Looking up at the night sky, he sighed and slid down the wall until he sat on the ground.
He closed his eyes and sighed. Taking a deep breath of the city air, he tried force his mind to go blank.
His attempt was interrupted by someone calling his name. "Derek?"
Derek opened his eyes. Jed stood about 20 feet away, keys in hand. He looked shocked at the sight of Derek siting outside the apartment.
"What are you doing out here?" Jed asked, coming closer to Derek.
"I couldn't sleep." Derek responded.
Jed sighed. "Well, I can't either, after the night I had." Jed paused for a moment, and then added, "Come with me, there's something I wanna show you."
Derek followed Jed to the side of the building and scaled the ladder. He shivered as he pulled himself over onto the rooftop. The roof was lined with a brick ledge about 3 feet high and the roof floor was coated with gravel.
"This is my secret hideaway." Jed said, as Derek hauled himself over. "I come up here when I need to think."
Derek walked over and leaned against the ledge, hands pressed against the grey flat brick on top. He sighed as he looked out at the city. Gorgeous little lights twinkled and glowed against the night sky. The occasional sound of cars was quite far from him. The breeze wrapped him in its slightly cool embrace. He inhaled the sweet air and closed his eyes.
"I'll be back in a minute," Jed said. "Stay here,"
Derek looked back at him and nodded, and then returned to look out at the city.
And as much as he didn't want it to, his thoughts inevitably drifted back to her.
Derek had to finally admit; it would take some time for him to let her go. But he wished it didn't hurt so much.
"I'm back."
Derek turned to see Jed holding a six-pack of beers. He walked over to Derek and set them on the ledge beside him. Jed picked up one and opened the can. Derek followed his lead. They simultaneously took a long drink. Derek set his down first.
"How did you get over her?" Derek asked, eyes fixated on the horizon.
Jed almost spat out his drink. "What?" he coughed. "Over who?"
"That girl, the one that cheated on you."
"Oh, her?"
Derek nodded. "Yeah."
"It just kinda… happened. I just woke up one day, and I was done. I didn't start to cry. My thoughts didn't immediately go to her. I was just over it. I was done with grieving."
Quietly, Derek asked, "How long did it take?"
"It took a while. Like months. It was hard. She hurt me pretty bad."
There was a long pause, until Jed broke the intense silence. "Why do you ask?"
Words swirled around in Derek's head, falling into neat sentences that would describe his situation that he was in. How he had fallen for an untouchable girl. How he thought she loved him too. How she had torn his heart out. How she had left him there to bleed. How he had decided to leave her with the guy that would never be him, in order to try and move on. Derek opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something. The words had formed, clear as day, inside his mind's eye. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he could not bring himself to say the words out loud. So he tried again. But, once again, he couldn't bring himself to tell Jed.
"I was just curious…" he managed to say. Something that could fill in as a reason.
"Oh," Jed said. His gaze shifted down towards his feet.
Though Jed didn't know Derek very well, he was sure that this had more behind it than he was going tell him. He figured that it also had something to do with the bruises that Derek had on his hand. But how to ask…
If he pried, that could offend Derek. He said that he didn't want to talk about it, after all. But Jed needed to give it a shot. He needed to know why this kid could just up and leave his family behind.
"I know there's more to it than that, Derek" Jed began, hesitating. He knew that he had to tread carefully on this. "You don't have to tell me about it now, but if you wanna stay here, you need to tell me someday. It doesn't have to be today, or even tomorrow for that matter. Just someday, when you trust me enough."
Jed looked at Derek and smiled. It was a warm smile, one that one would see on the face of an old friend.
Derek looked away and took a deep breath. "A girl," he said in a breathy, barely audible whisper.
"What?"
"Why I left. It was because of a girl." Derek paused. Jed said nothing, so Derek continued on. "I was in love with her and I thought she loved me back. And then I caught her with this guy who's no good for her. And she said that she didn't love me and she never did and that I was making it up. I couldn't take it, so I left."
Jed took another sip. "I know it sucks, but doesn't that seem a little silly? Leaving your home because this girl didn't want you?"
"Not when things were the way they were." Derek didn't make eye contact with Jed. He felt like he was going to cry. "Things were… complicated. She wasn't just a girl, she was my stepsister…"
Derek choked on the word. Stepsister. It was like that one word dictated all that she could ever be to him, even if he wanted more. It set out the rules for what he could and could not do to her and for her. He could poke fun at her, but never apologize for the pain he caused. He could make her cry, but never hold her to console her. He could be her brother but never her lover. Especially now, since she had made his role in her life so fucking clear. He recalled her words, tearing apart his heart like a famished wolf tears apart its prey's body.
Jed didn't say anything, and once again, Derek continued. "And normally, I could control my feelings. Hide them from the world, make it seem like I knew my place. But then I did something stupid and fucked it up. And after that, nothing was the same between us. She was so much more difficult to read. But I got the silly notion that maybe she felt the same and confronted her about it."
Derek paused, fighting back tears. "God, I was so stupid…"
"I told her that I loved her. And then she made me feel like she had loved me too. But it was a lie. And then I found out that she was dating this guy. This absolutely, good-for-nothing, scum-of-the-earth asshole of a guy. My worst enemy. And she had let him stay over, let him sleep beside her, let him hold her. So when I saw them together, I was so pissed, I lost it. Went after him. All the while, he taunted me, bragging that he had her and that she loved him. And she was screaming at us to stop fighting. But neither of us quit. We kept going at it and going at it. And finally, I won. For once, I came out on top. Yet she chased after me, asking me why I did that to him. And I just lost it. I was done with this confusion, with her games. I asked if she felt anything between us, ever, and that if she didn't, that I would drop this. And obviously, she felt nothing. So I was done. I couldn't stay there any longer, and I left."
Jed stayed silent.
"Say something," Derek urged, almost pleading for Jed to prove that telling him all this wasn't a mistake.
"I… don't know what to say." Jed said, shrugging. "I feel bad for you."
He took another sip of his beer. "That's just downright shitty. I can't believe she played you like that."
"Yeah, me neither," Derek agreed. He took a deep breath to regain his composure. "But I'm going to get over her, even if it kills me."
"That's the spirit," Jed cheered, raising his beer. "You can do better."
Hey guys :)
Sorry it's taken me soooo long, but here it is. I hope you enjoy, and as always, your reviews are lovely and wonderful to see in my inbox, so let me know what you think :)